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Lifelong Depression Revealed as Bipolar Disorder. Sunday July 10, 2016

This may have happened to many of you – as a young adult, a doctor diagnosed me with depression and prescribed a few different anti-depressants until we found the one that made the leaden shoes come off. Eventually, the anti-depressant lost its effectiveness, so we played another round of pin the pill on the donkey – disrupting my work life, but combatting the gloom successfully.

Flash forward 30 years – a new doctor looks at my history and concludes that I am bipolar. You see, one time 30 years ago I had a psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital for six months. The doctor at the time labeled it "schizophreniform disorder." I was very young, and I recovered just fine once they were able to convince me that we weren't on a spaceship but actually at San Francisco General Hospital. I wrote a book about it, called 5150: A Transfer.

Anyway, the new doctor knew this piece of my history, and he also observed me as I started to finally feel better. My Moodscope was no longer in the teens, but rather, soaring into the high 80's. His conclusion: this dude is bipolar.

I tolerate Lithium well, so that's what I have been taking. I miss feeling great. I think "normal" people feel great quite often without the fear that they are plunging into illness. My score is always somewhere between 40 and 70 now – average 59.5. That's what Lithium is supposed to do. I am extremely grateful to The Moodscope Team for making this resource available at no cost.

The bummer about Lithium is that my creativity is considerably dampened. I sing, write and play music, write poetry and novels, and I make films – when I'm not on Lithium. Right now, it's a pretty big struggle to keep moving forward on the second novel. I stopped singing and playing music, and even though I work in Hollywood, I turned away from my filmmaking.

Stopping Lithium is a temptation - but it would come at a very high price. For now, I am content to be 59.5 out of 100 happy.

Duncan in Hollywood
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Debs Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:16am

Hey Duncan, thanks for your very thought provoking blog! I so get how frustrating it must be to have your creativity hampered like that. When I've been on meds in the past I've had similar experiences. Like a flatlining of creativity. And for a creative soul that can be devastating. It sounds like you've got your head round it though and your blog is beautifully written so the talent is still shining bright! I'd love to see/read more of your stuff - do you have a website? xx

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:34pm

Hi Debs! Thank you for the compliment. My blog is a little dusty right now but you can find it at

Jane Fri, Aug 12th 2016 @ 4:21pm

Hi Duncan - have been clearing up my emails and read your piece. As someone diagnosed with bi-polar some twenty years ago but now managing my mental health well I thought I'd just send a word of, I hope, helpful advice. I was originally prescribed lithium and it made me feel like a walking zombie. Although the drug of choice for most psychiatrists, they don't know why it works and long term use or high doses are dangerous due to its affect on the kidneys. Other treatments are available, which in my experience do not adversely effect creativity .... and are potentially far less harmful. You're obviously a really intelligent guy so please investigate this for yourself. Best wishes Jane, Cardiff

Jane Fri, Aug 12th 2016 @ 4:21pm

Hi Duncan - have been clearing up my emails and read your piece. As someone diagnosed with bi-polar some twenty years ago but now managing my mental health well I thought I'd just send a word of, I hope, helpful advice. I was originally prescribed lithium and it made me feel like a walking zombie. Although the drug of choice for most psychiatrists, they don't know why it works and long term use or high doses are dangerous due to its affect on the kidneys. Other treatments are available, which in my experience do not adversely effect creativity .... and are potentially far less harmful. You're obviously a really intelligent guy so please investigate this for yourself. Best wishes Jane, Cardiff

karen Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:38am

I've often wondered if I might be bipolar. But as I've never had a psychotic episode I remain a sufferer of major depression.
BUT- I've come to use moodscope as a way to protect myself from the highs as well as the lows. So I know, a good range for me is 50-65. Anything consistently below and I'm in danger of becoming depressed. Anything above and I may be over doing it and likely running on adrenaline heading for a crash.
I don't see it as 65% well as my goal is not to be 100%. That would be OTT for me.

Ironically, I've just had a depressive episode because I ignored my low scores. I reasoned things weren't too bad as I didn't feel sad and we had major house renovations going on. What I should have done was take action based on the scores. That would have involved more self care- more rest, greater conscious choices to silence negative thinking, increased things that are good for me - walking, space for creative stuff, early nights etc .

So I use moodscope at both ends of the spectrum and don't assume up and up is necessarily positive. I ignore the standard email response .

Sheena Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 11:04am

Karen, well expressed. 'Feeling 100%' is not what feeling well means on a Moodscope score. Looking after oneself is key and the fluctuations, and notes one may make to account for them, helps one stay well. Sheena

Milliecat Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 12:16pm

Hi Karen - yes i have learnt to interpret the scores on Moodscope for my own use. Even though i rock in sometimes at 90% i know that means i am hitting too high and need to keep an eye on not doing too much and increasing my self care. when i head for down below 50% it is a sign again to take care - so i get what you are saying. interestingly i have Bi polar II and have never had a pyschotic episode. Bi PolarII has very low mood, and then high mood - hypermania - as opposed to psychosis. The way you describe what happens to you might fit that diagnosis better than 'depressive episodes'. It is just a thought and only my experience so please accept this with the kindness it is sent to you. Regards M

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:43pm

Hi Karen. My all time highest score was 87%, and that was during a rash of manic behavior- ordering expensive and unneeded stuff, interrupting my coworkers and boss, feeling like I finally figured everything I dread seeing what 100 looks like!

Orangeblossom Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:13am

Thanks for your very honest, straightforward blog which I really enjoyed reading. You have a very user-friendly writing style Duncan

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:45pm

I appreciate the compliment, Orangeblossom. Thanks.

Hopeful One Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:19am

Hi Duncan in Hollywood- it's refreshing to get a blog from across the pond. Yours experience is very interesting . Mental dysfunction is hard to diagnose accurately as it is so subjective so do not be surprised if there are errors or differences of opinion as there are few objective tests . It would be nice if there was a blood test or a brain scan as one has for physical malfunction. You have added to the sum total of my knowledge of bipolar disorder. I am grateful to you for that. I wonder how you respond to humour .( please accept the English spelling). Does lithium alter that for example?

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

Night Owl Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 5:41pm

Lol...! Thanks HO.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:52pm

Hopeful dear old da' is from The UK, so I grew up going to the theatre, playing parlour games, counting the colours in my crayons, and recognising that my spelling was a bit different from those of my mates. Humour still intact!

Jul Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:43am

Hello Duncan. What an interesting blog. The subject of creativity bugs me as when I have a good day , I am creative witty fun to be with and full of self confidence. Most days I am not.You know what I'm saying! I have not been diagnosed with bi polar. However I don't sleep well so when I do sleep..well the world is my oyster. I used to edit a magazine and could only do the creative stuff if I had slept well the night before. Imagine how I felt. Desperate for sleep which eluded me. So frustrating..There are people on Moodscope as you know who are diagnosed bi polar but I think my situation is the same in so many ways. Please write some more blogs Duncan. I must write one on this subject but will write only when I'm feeling good so it may take a while. Jul xx

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:59pm

Hello Jul. Often our diagnoses are just an opinion. I think that most of us who use this tool regularly are pretty similar. I hope you feel good soon so I can read your blog!

Tony Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:51am

Duncan -- it is certainly disappointing to lose some of your creativity on lithium. At age 44, I received my first diagnosis of bipolar and started to take lithium. Although it helped me to write my thesis, I wasn’t particularly good at dealing with people, until I saw a consultant in 1998 who put me on venlafaxine as well as lithium. Venlafaxine (aka Effexor) is a dual-action drug that increases noradrenaline as well as serotonin in the brain.
Creativity didn’t “feel” as good as pre-lithium, so I’ve been experimenting with reduced doses of lithium, which have helped. My question for readers: should I believe the medics when they say that smaller-than-“recommended” doses of lithium have no effect?

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:06pm

Hey Tony, in the United States of Litgation and Lawsuits, we dare not make any medical recommendcations without a rock solid disclaimer. I am not a medical professional, just someone who has taken a lot of meds. I can tell you that I had a doctor who felt as you did that the"therapeutic" dose of Lithium is not always the right amount, and one should take only as much as needed and not a grain more. But he wouldn't advocate a patient deciding this on his own. Hope that helps!

DAVID HAMILTON Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 9:14am

Hi Duncan,

Again this is ONLY my opinion, of which there are many, which gives us our free Agency to accept or reject......But I feel only after I have tried others' opinions for ME to determine for myself right or wrong, OTHERWISE how am I going to CONSISTENTLY learn for the remainder of MY life !

Sounds very familiar to me, like you having had a cocktail of various anti depressants, over many years, but consider this....Children like two of my grandchildren are very hyperactive, and are limited to their intake of chocholale sweets etc etc....In your first paragraph you state that the anti depressants lose their effectiveness etc etc....Which means that alien substances sugar, drugs illegal and prescribed are lethal, especial over a long period of time.

Why do you consider that there is a difference in yourself and 'NORMAL' people'.....We are ALL normal people, I'm sorry not meaning to offend you but....Logically if anti depressants and sugary intake effects the mind, then the fact that what we absorb unnaturally into our bodies has an adverse effect....which we massive abnormal !

When I started taking Lithium, I was concerned enough as to the ingredients of this drug, that I telephoned the manufacturer, who advised that it contained SALT, which in quantities is suspect for the body. I made the decision to stop taking this product.

I had read about Carbamazepine (Tegretol), and got my doctor to prescribe this....weeks later my mood was where you are at right now....controlled level neither up nor down....a controlled mood....Without reference to the doctor at that point I took a quarter of a tablet extra than prescribed...the result was as mood lifted just sufficiently to be very slightly higher than the equilibrium, this was clearly not a substance that was NATURAL, but the effect put me UNATURALLY in a more elevated mood....and so I know exactly how you are feeling RIGHT NOW....CONTROLLED !

What am I saying....In my next blog I state that I have Crohn's disease and what I said to the Specialist about my controlled my body without the need... In my case to control my physical ailments by her drugs.

I have Been drug free for over 2 years at age 71...

I have also devised my own DIET.....Which I may share if there are those interested...The changes are very dramatic and outstanding....comments from those who've known me for years.

Trust your own judgement Duncan, and strive to be more POSITIVE in ALL aspects of your life, not just your stated in my FIRST BLOG.

AIM TO OBTAIN THE BEST QUALITY OF LIFE WITH THE MINIMUM OF MEDICATION....Take control of your life, your body...Question all professional body's...REGAIN THAT LOST SELF-CONFIDENCE and hold your head up high....YOU and I are as good as the next person, and NO better, and NO ONE is better than you or I.

God Bless


Sheena Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 11:16am

There's much to think about there Dave! One thing I am sure of is that we are 'all normal' and that the reason there is no 'evidence' for diagnosis beyond outside opinion is just that. Diagnosis is based on outside opinion. We all need to know ourselves and take responsibility for ourselves. Behaviours, I believe, come from experience - good or bad. Knowing causes can help to manage future behaviour. Exhausted people are not at their best. Nor hungry ones! Sheena

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:10pm

I changed my eating habits in October and dropped 40 pounds (~3 stone) so far...and exercise takes up much more of my life now too. Thank you for the beautiful affirmations.

DAVID HAMILTON Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 9:25am

Paragraph 3 UNPREDICTED TEXT should, at the end of...should be....... MISSREAD as NORMAL ! !


Leah Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 12:12pm

David, As you said itis your opinion and it is always good to hear about others. I am opposite to you as when I found that Lithium was a naturally occurring salt, I was relived as i flet that was what was missing from my chemical makeup. It was only a salt something we use very day. I have always loved salty foods. I am glad you ahve found a diet that works for you. I found a salt that works for me.

Milliecat Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 12:08pm

Hi there Duncan. Thank you for your well written, easily undertandable and very human blog. I am sure that it will mean a lot to many people on Moodscope today. Creativity can be a delight as well as a curse. I am on Lithium and reduced it slightly myself so that i do feel creative - not consistently but enough to write a poem, create a piece of art, take a foto...but it is not my living. I also know that creativity can kill. The constant hard drive to create, get those words down on paper, get them organised, get it out there, create a piece of art...So it is a difficult balance to make i agree, but at the end of that long day, when those moo cows come swaggering up the grassy lane, i would rather be alive and a bit off, then contemplating how best to die or believing that the piece of work i have just created is bound to be the one that makes it. My moodscope score is usually between 90+ and 70+ and if i hit up to 95+ i have had a enthused day, and enjoyed it - the next day will pop back to usual. Currently in a very low space i am hitting 40 which is not good. once it pops back up to around 60-70 i will be feeling better, maybe not any more creative but able to care for my children, care for myself and care that i want to be part of the world again. Thank you for your blog and here's to our 59.5% which for you means being alive - and that is the key point to it all. Kind regards M

Night Owl Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 5:50pm

Courage to you, Millicat, thanks for sharing what 40-ish means for you at the mo... xx

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:28pm

Good points, Milliecat. Creativity can lead to being stampeded by a vicious herd of moo cows, it's true!

Leah Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 12:18pm

Thanks for your thoughtful blog.
I sometimes think I must not be very creative because lithium did not stop my creativity but helped me focus and be organised. It must be hard for you as you are obviously talented but you also realise what Lithium has done for you.
I look forward to reading for of your writing.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:32pm

There is a term "unbridled creativity" that comes to mind. It sounds like your creativity is reined in. Brava, Leah.

Maria Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 5:31pm

Hi Duncan - thanks for your honest blog! I too can relate to the loss of creativity due to meds but I know from experience that they are a lifelong necessity for me. I stopped taking them thinking that I could keep balanced through diet, yoga, meditation, and exercise. I felt better as time progressed but eventually flew to high to the sun and was hospitalized. I thought that since I had been hospitalized when first diagnosed as bipolar 1, I would know the symptoms of becoming manic and would never go down that road again...wrong! Although it is a drag to often feel flat, I prefer it to my alternative.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:40pm

Very well stated, Maria. I think if we lived in a different culture, diet, yoga, meditation and exercise would probably do the trick, as our mania might be seen and interpreted as something other than illness...but we also wouldn't have good access to the Internet or anti-parasitic medicine. Life is a series of trade-offs.

Night Owl Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 5:53pm

Thanks, Duncan In Hollywood.
I didn't know that about bi-polar.
Best wishes for the windows of creativity you do still have.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:42pm

Thank you in return, Night Owl!

Ad Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 6:06pm

Wow! That's all I can say. took 20 years for my diagnosis to be made and thanks for the post now I don't feel like it's just me that's lost out. I left one profession and I'm now in another constantly questioning any exuberance that appears when I don't take my Lithium. truth is you will find the balance and learn how much to rely on your drugs and yes your creativity will come back the more you trust in yourself - Mentally push the boundaries and take your creativity to the level of a discipline and - yes - it will come back. Just don't give up on it!! Take care

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:45pm

Thank you, Ad, for the encouragement. The creativity pushes through the fog at random moments. When it does, I latch on and write as much as I can until it fades. It doesn't have a regular schedule but it does continue to come back.

the room above the garage Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:38pm

Hello Duncan, very interesting reading, thank you for it. Love ratg x.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:47pm

You're welcome ratg.

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:47pm

You're welcome ratg.

Mary Wednesday Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 7:43pm

Hi Duncan, This is soooo recognisable for me. Thank you for writing this. I would be really interested in your dietary changes. A piece of advice I took to heart was from a family friend who is also a GP when I was first being tested for bi-polar. "Stay off the salts!" he said. So when I was prescribed Sodium Valproate by the specialists I went back to my very sympathetic GP and we agreed a way forward that would involve just anti-depressants as needed. I felt that I could control my hypo-mania. So - for 4 years this is what we've done. (I would not advise anyone else to do this) I think I would find, that without creativity, the quality of my life would be so reduced that mere living would take more effort than I sometimes possess. Yes - the mania is worrying sometimes. When I fly up to the mid eighties on my score (in spite of scoring high on jittery, irritable and hostile)I know it's time to really, really watch myself. But the words almost write themselves when I'm there - it's just so lovely! And yes - I know what it's like to feel that good without worrying - I did it for 40 years. I prefer to worry; that way I avoid the worst of the consequences of feeling that good. Duncan - I wish you well and look forward very much to reading more of your writing. American or British English - we don't care!

Duncan Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:01pm

It's great to read your validation of my experience, Mary W. The words writing themselves is the part I miss most. The dietary changes are thanks to a web-based coaching program that I use for free as a patient of my HMO. It's "Virtual Lifestyle Management" or VLM for short. I track everything I eat and all the exercise I do...trying to stay under 2000 calories and 55g of fat per day. 10,000 steps or more daily. Over time, it's pretty easy to see the correlation between good choices and weight loss.

The Gardener Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 8:48pm

I am (and I thank any and all deities) as creative as I have ever been. But my score is rock bottom - because interest and enthusiasm are nil - Mr G is going downhill so fast that I have no hope of doing anything that needs concentration. Re depression and its treatment - I had lithium and spun out of control. Classified 'manic depressive' in my mid-thirties (convinced Pa bi-polar now, no doubt) my GP and I went through a huge gamut of drugs, until finding out I only had one kidney, and all the drugs were bad news. Then I went to Uni when I was 50, in the second year I was not coping, and felt I had to give in to age. I told the student adviser - she said 'don't give up, see a nutritionalist'. I did, an excellent one. She was shocked. My life-long allergy to dairy products had produced a calcium deficiency, which locked up the magnesium and I ended up in hospital a few times, turned blue with a suspected heart attack. I was given a lifelong mineral balance - bye-bye manic depression. But, the dastardly insurance agents (I helped run our business, very involved, and paid for an expensive private sickness insurance) wrote any psychiatric illness out and stuck to it. I an 'beside myself' tonight, really scary - so upset by turn of events can't think straight. Had a long sleep at lunch-time - went to an organ recital and slept through one of the noisiest of Bach's fugues. Duncan, calories - my maintenance is 1,700 per day - at the moment I could drink that - I have to have more to keep going (not more drink) but it goes on my hips

Eva Sun, Jul 10th 2016 @ 11:33pm

Duncan, thanks so much for your blog it's really interesting to read your account and others responses.

I am not bipolar but I am trying to work out how to stop when I am on a roll, as I have exhausted my physical resources through doing too much during some stressful years. So I am trying to learn to listen to my body and not get carried away by my motivation and enthusiasm to be creative, and organised and just do everything without resting...

My scores currently whilst recuperating are between 20 and 40 depending on fatigue. Prior to all the bereavements I was roughly sitting between 50and 70 and quite happy with that. I don't really know how to read my scores as a warning, I know why they are low and I know that I am going to have to do a lot more resting before they will start to rise, on days where I am not feeling physically ill, I am happy enough, or not unhappy, maybe content is a better word, but I am also experiencing frustrating days where I just want to have my energy restored. Thanks again for your views.

Amie Mon, Jul 11th 2016 @ 12:01pm

Hi Duncan,
Great to read your blog, thank you.
I saw my doctor today who has suggested I come off my antidepressants slowly over the next 4 weeks. First time I have been on them and first time to come off of them in 2.5 years. I am nervous to say the least. My tablets have kept me from thinking too deeply into unhelpful past experiences or dwelling on negative feelings so much so that I have been saying how I wish I had been on them previously and have physically felt a major weight lifted from my shoulders allowing me to be more care free and balanced instead of super sensitive to everyone and what they think of me.
However your comments on lacking motivation/creativity really hit a note with me. I am normally very driven and motivated to be successful but that has definitely lessened over the past two years to a point where I don't want my life to be all about work which is great as I am enjoying home life too, however I do feel maybe things have tipped too much the other way and am now excited to get my edge back.
Another positive is that I am hoping to lose some of the weight (2 stone) I have gained whilst being on my medication. So trying to look at the positives however am also scared of how I will cope.
I have decided to start logging into moodscope from today and logging my score so that I can keep a track of how I cope over the next 4-8 weeks.
Thanks for sharing and hope you get the balance you need too.

Laura Mon, Jul 11th 2016 @ 3:05pm

Hi Duncan -

Thanks for sharing your experience. I have had depression for the last 34 years or so, and my episodes last for years. But in 2001, when I lived in San Jose (hi, neighbor!) my very first shrink - for reasons I don't understand - diagnosed me as Bipolar Type II. I had never had a manic or hypomanic episode. At times, I might have been severely depressed for a few weeks/months and then been very angry and irritable for a few weeks. That's the closest I've gotten to Bipolar, in my opinion.

Fast forward to 2015: I've been hospitalized 14 times for my depression and suicidal ideation just since 2003. A new psychiatrist did a very thorough evaluation on me and said, "I don't think you're Bipolar, I think you have Major Depressive Disorder." THANK YOU! That's what I was trying to tell everyone for the previous 14 years. Misdiagnosis leads to treatments that don't fit reality, so I've tried about 25-30 different meds in that time: anti-depressants, mood modifiers, anti-psychotics...

Now that my diagnosis actually fits my experience, I received a treatment called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) that has relieved my depression by about 80% for the last 7 months, and I'm stable for the first time in 4 years! It's weird to feel "good", but it's so nice. I no longer scare my family - or myself. No suicidal ideation since last fall, no depressive episodes, no self-manufactured crises. It's AWESOME. I could really get used to this. I hope someone actually reads this comment, because I highly recommend TMS. ECT did nothing for me 10 years ago but erase my memory completely for about 6 months - but TMS (which is noninvasive) is a freakin' miracle!

Anyway, sorry for the digression. My point is that the subjective nature of diagnosing mental illness makes it even more difficult to live with. But we must never give up, because it does get better.

Laura :)

Laura Mon, Jul 11th 2016 @ 3:10pm

Oh, and Lithium? Worked pretty good on my depression, but I gained 40 lbs. in 6 months and got terrible acne from it. I went off it, because I felt pretty bad about my physical appearance - it was making me depressed! LOL Twelve years later, I'm still trying to lose that extra weight...

David Tue, Jul 12th 2016 @ 6:42pm

Hi Duncan, thanks for your blog. It was maybe 6 years after first being treated with antidepressants that I was given a diagnosis of bipolar, during which time I had left quite a trail of havoc and destruction. Even then, the eminent psychiatrist involved said to a junior colleague: "What else can it be?"

I've often wondered about the diagnosis ever since. Maybe everyone just hangs on to diagnoses too much - all I know is that there's something not right and, from time to time, I need help. I think we all respond differently to different drugs, but I know what you mean about Lithium - it's not good for my mojo.

Hope you can find a good balance of treatment. I wish you all the luck in the world. David

Jo Tue, Jul 12th 2016 @ 9:40pm

Hi Duncan.
Gosh I've just read your blog and all the wonderfully insightful comments.
I've had depression on and off for years. I've spent ages thinking and over thinking it. Ive spent hours trying to work out how I "should" be feeling and what "normal" is. Ive even had loved ones tell me, albeit I'm a round about way, how I "should" be feeling and most issues of course have been my fault because I " have issues". I don't know why I am like this and I don't need to. I'm gradually learning like all of us, how to live WITH it and am able to recognise the ups and downs... Medication has also stifled my highs but numbed the lows but as a musician, has limited my creativity. It is so incredibly frustrating... I can say that being "ok" at the moment but in a low...I don't even recognise I'm not creating... Does that make sense? X

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