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February


Life is an Inside Job. Sunday February 9, 2014

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Rumi

How many of us are programmed to look for the reasons we cannot completely let go - to truly trust, and to deal with the outcomes of such a belief?

I'm sure we have all had relationships where for a time we feel so safe and secure, that we can truly be ourselves. We are lost in the acceptance of a lover or friend, that we literally are as one.

Then as time goes on, we start to 'see' things that we did not before. This new 'seeing' opens the door to doubt and once doubt sets in we will start to 'see' other things that then justify our backing out; possibly our ego then starts to take the reins to look after ourselves, rather than nurture the joint relationship.

Much of this will have been 'programmed' from our own childhood and how our parents behaved and also how our relationship was with family and friends.

The old nature v nurture argument has diminished since the 70s with the latest research into genes and how they react; clearly now showing that nurture is by far the greatest dictator of our lives.

It is the situations that we find ourselves in that can switch on or off key gene groups and affect out personality and health.

When we clearly know and understand that the only person we can change is ourselves - it is our responsibility to become wise (win/win - EQ) instead of clever (win/lose - IQ).

Internal barriers that we build to somehow make us safe, in actual fact can make us more brittle and ego driven, when we have to prove we are right - to somehow believe that being right creates more self-esteem. Giving up behaviours which demonstrate the existence of barriers e.g. evasion, procrastination, lashing out, refusal to talk or listen, helps us become more balanced inside which will enable our growth.

We are programmed mostly through Newtonian thinking and our schooling rather than the education of life which shows that there is no black and white - no right and wrong – no simple brittle barriers, simply a world of infinite answers in a life of endless possibilities.

So - can you today start to diminish some of the barriers that this IQ dominated world has enabled you to create and move towards a love and embracing of self.

After all - to find the ideal partner or friendship for you - you have to firstly find the ideal and balanced you.

Les
A Moodscope user.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment on our Blogspot:

http://moodscope.blogspot.com/2014/02/life-is-inside-job.html


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Comments

Anonymous Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 6:52am

What is this?!

My dearest and closest friends are neither ideal nor balanced; and I sure can't claim to be those things either. Instead, we love each other despite our flaws, and sometimes because of them. That's what love and acceptance mean.

It applies to oneself, too: to love and accept yourself, imperfections and all. If you wait to find "the ideal and balanced" you, you're going to be waiting an awfully long time. And what the heck IS "ideal" and "balanced", anyway? Meaningless, indefinable words.

Knowing you are right about something CAN boost your self-esteem. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that my in-laws and my parents didn't/couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge. I needed to know I was right about what was going on in order to (a) retain a grip on my sanity and (b) be able to take action to get out. My self-esteem plummeted when I thought I was the problem and the only one seeing something wrong.

Finally, perhaps our behaviours are effects of our barriers (whatever that means). It doesn't follow that changing our behaviours will necessarily eliminate the barriers. Maybe to address unhelpful behaviour, we need to look at what's causing it. When we understand that, then it's easier and more sensical to adopt new patterns.

Anonymous Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 8:30am

I agree with both the original blog and this reply! I agree that the final phrase in the blog "the ideal ... you" could be a recipe for setting us up to fail; perhaps "a more balanced you" would be easier to engage with - implying an on-going journey rather than a final destination. Frankie

The Entertrainer Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 8:33am

"This", I believe, is Les kindly offering some insights that have helped. I don't believe Les is claiming this is the truth in all circumstances - in fact Les says, "the education of life which shows that there is no black and white - no right and wrong – no simple brittle barriers, simply a world of infinite answers in a life of endless possibilities."

Les is suggesting (and Les, kindly correct me if I'm wrong) that the key purpose of today's blog is to challenge some self-imposed barriers and open ourselves up to deeper love - and to work emotionally intelligently towards shared love rather than a counterfiet love that protects the selfish part of us.

What you have anonymously added is additional helpful insights - especially around the importance of self-esteem. Like you, Anonymous, I actually love some of my dearest and closest friends because they are neither ideal nor balanced!!!

Let's be kind to one another and appreciate the spirit these blogs are written in. Sometimes our writing might not be ideal or balanced but I believe the blogs are always written in love and a spirit of generosity.

DawnCRitchie Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 9:29am

Very well written Lex, but I understand Anonymous' experience and wonder how I could ever remove barriers caused by my recent abusive marriage. I currently believe I'll never marry again. Having no barriers led me to that horrible place.
Les' blog was encouraging on this front, but I believe I need to have 'flexible' barriers that can move up and down as trust develops. Communication is also key.

Linda Sankey Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 9:59am

How about using some different wording to understand what happens:

Barriers are a block to love - feeling it ourselves or receiving it from others.

Boundaries are what keep us safe and from harm, they do not block love, they set in place what is and what is not acceptable behaviour from others. Nothing justifies abuse and mistreatment.

My developing 'emotional intelligence' - the ability to feel and understand my emotions has been a life saver but it can be challenging at times and takes courage. :-)

curious212000 Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 10:09am

I have found a calmer way of life with the help of the Church of England.

The Entertrainer Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 11:07am

I LOVE the distinction between "barriers" and "boundaries" - that's brilliant, Linda.
Finding a calmer way of life with the help of the CoE is encouraging too.
Isn't interesting how often the 'spiritual' comes into comments?
Whatever one's spiritual beliefs, it may be suggested that most religions would agree with the title Les chose, "Life is an inside job." The Kingdom of Heaven - whatever that means - is meant to be within you. So, at least on this, psychology, neurology and theology agree: the greatest work (and the greatest liberation) comes from within... Inner Intelligence!

Anonymous Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 4:47pm

Great reply Lex. Frankie

Anonymous Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 5:15pm

All valid points. I'll quote Lennon: "Feel your own pain".

Anonymous Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 7:01pm

I would think that the gene research, shows that nature trumps nurture, by far!

On what research have you based your findings, if I may ask.?
.
Just curious, not being confrontational.

Carmen Brooks Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 7:03pm

I wanted to quote this,
"When we clearly know and understand that the only person we can change is ourselves - it is our responsibility to become wise (win/win - EQ) instead of clever (win/lose - IQ).
Internal barriers that we build to somehow make us safe, in actual fact can make us more brittle and ego driven, when we have to prove we are right - to somehow believe that being right creates more self-esteem. Giving up behaviors which demonstrate the existence of barriers e.g. evasion, procrastination, lashing out, refusal to talk or listen, helps us become more balanced inside which will enable our growth."
I agree a lot on this. We may know these things but we keep on forgetting it, I myself do. There things that we need to stop doing and asking for others. We just need to look on yourselves and not from others. I have come across this site <a href="http://mythinking.net/what-keeps-you-inspired/" rel="nofollow">http://mythinking.net/what-keeps-you-inspired/</a> which also gives some advice about life that can be helpful to us.

Tere Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 8:27pm

I read this three times. Now, I'm not considered stupid by a long shot. But what I said to this was: wha? I, too, had an abusive relationship. My current spouse (my last one!) is the one who dragged me out. 25 years ago. Yes, we're still together. MY self-esteem, with his help, has increased dramatically. His, however, has plummeted. This breaks my heart because our relationship at the beginning was wonderful. Not so great now. I wish I could fix this.

DawnCRitchie Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 9:31pm

Thank you Linda. That sounds like a brilliant recipe. I really would like to lose my barriers. Setting boundaries, something I have seldom done, sounds like the way forward for me. Setting boundaries will stop people 'invading' and overwhelming me. :D

Les Sun, Feb 9th 2014 @ 9:59pm

I watched a TV research programme recently which clearly showed that our environment and which genes it triggered to set off greater sets of genes was the key to our health.

I had a quick look for you and these two papers seem to align with nurture trumps natures in switching on or off what we have 'been given'

http://www.cals.ncsu.edu/agcomm/magazine/summer08/n_environmental.html

http://experiencelife.com/article/functional-wellness-part-1-genes-and-the-environment/

Julia Mon, Feb 10th 2014 @ 2:00pm

This confirms a health issue I have. I have a non life threatening genetic condition which could have lain dormant for ever but was triggered by extreme stress when I was younger. It manifested itself aged around 26. So nurture or lack of it in my case I guess switched on the faulty gene. As I say it's not life threatening but it's always there and if I had known about it when growing up, I would have tried to avoid the extreme stress. I guess there is more and more testing for faulty genes nowadays. But I just wanted to confirm what Les says about nature versus nurture in this context. On a brighter note, I have controlled the symptoms by "nurturing". There is a broad spectrum of my condition and I am sure I could be at the other end if I hadn't taken stock of what has caused it in the first place, I mean triggered it. So there is hope in the ability of nurture to overcome or contain the effects of some genetic conditions. (I am speaking only from my experience, not as an expert)

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