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7

October


Let us have garlic. Saturday October 7, 2017

Last year, there was conversation on the Moodscope blog which touched raw places for some people. (I am only writing now about it because I keep a note of things I'd like to write about and I simply haven't done it so far.) I think touching raw places is almost never a bad thing. Provided nobody is being rude or hurtful, it is not a bad thing to get down into the sore parts. It can be needed and good, like drilling decay in preparation for a smooth, white, filling. In yoga there is a theory that the movements you want to do least are the ones you need to do most.

Facing up to the bad stuff in our lives, from the dodgy to the horrific, is never easy for us and sometimes can, and must, only be done with professional guidance. But being able to say you have been torn into pieces by bad things and are willing to accept that you must travel forwards with it, I believe, is the difference between surviving and living.

I think for many, many years I have been surviving. And I need to upgrade to living. I need to do some exorcising and, as yet, I don't know how in particular I will go about this. But step one is being aware. Surviving only to re-live our pains daily, is akin to walking with bare feet along a path of broken glass. At some point we must pick up the glass and carry it, allowing ourselves to walk, with sorrow perhaps, but without renewed and searing pain.

I will keep you posted on my ideas for the exorcisms that might upgrade me. (I might start with new undies, woo hoo!) And I look forward to hearing if any of you lovely lot have exorcisms to share.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope members.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 12:45am

Hi Ratg, I have a major issue to share that needs exorcising. I dislike myself for it very much. I do not think anything will 'cure' it. I know all of the answers, they are all logical in my head, yet it won't go away. I am not willing to share it on here. I recently sought counselling but I am afraid to tell her too, because if she does not come up with 'the goods' then I have no other place to go.

Sometimes I just wonder if there is any solution at all.

I am wondering whether to continue with counselling as she is just telling me what I already know. I do not want to be given logical answers, I already know them.

'Pick up the glass and carry on', I am still walking in it and I have no idea how to sweep it up.

I bought the biggest broom possible. It didn't work !

Thank you though, I like a blog that makes me feel less alone xx

the room above the garage Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 8:35am

Hello Molly, you are definitely not alone. That is the wonderful point of the blogspot, its somewhere safe to be not alone. You have written two lines of hard evidence. (1) "I have a major issue to share that needs exorsicing" - you said it, it NEEDS exorcising. You can't move forward without doing so. But do not rush because if you pick your scab before its ready, you just wound yourself more. Timing is key. Sometimes we have to sit with things for a long time, seeing them from different angles for a long time. When the time is right you will know. (2) your counsellor "if she does not come up with 'the goods' then I have no other place else to go" I had two or three counsellors, intermittently over a number of years, before I had one who began to open doors for me. (And at none of those sessions did I even get to the root! But it has helped me discover roots.) Each was useful in different ways. The first didn't really move me anywhere but it was at least good in that it allowed me to learn what talking about my feelings felt like. I cried a bit, its so humiliating, but it meant that I felt easier about it happening with another counsellor later. Sometimes telling a counsellor what you think you need can help. Just telling them the problems can be no more than venting. Your counsellor can not fix things but the process can be like a kaleidoscope, something new comes out. There is no way to lessen the grip of something but to display it. In words, in painting, in feelings, in song, in tattoos, in drinking, in self harm, in anger, in sorrow, in endless ways...we have to see how we are displaying it and whether its good. If its not good, we ask ourselves "how do I want to carry this?" Ultimately, you have to take ownership and choose. Keep mulling it over, there is no rush, there are lots of counsellors. Everyday you are progressing, love ratg xx.

The librarian Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:28am

You most certainly aren't alone, Molly.

Lexi Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 12:24pm

Hi Molly, sending you lots of love today. I too had something very dark that I could not face for a very long time. I finally worked through it with my therapist - my current one- who was teh only one I ever felt safe with. I think feeling safe is key. And like RATG said too - it has to be when you're ready. xo Lexi

Jane SG Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 1:33pm

Hugs to you Molly xx

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 6:28pm

Thank you RATG, your advice is great and very useful. Thank you too, Librarian, Lexi and Jane, your support means so much to me xx

Valerie Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 2:51pm

Have you tried writing it down in the greatest detail possible,then setting it alight with a dash of salt thrown in the flames? A white witch told me this years ago,a way to banish curses and get cleansed-just a thought. You are not alone. I can totally relate.I am assumimg you are talking of something deeply shameful that you keep returning to in your mind.The fact is,if you were not a good person at heart you would not give it a second thought.The truly bad people sleep easy in their beds.xx

Molly Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 4:59pm

Thank you Valerie, your last two sentences, so true, I try and tell myself this, to help let myself 'off the hook'. Although being ashamed is really just an element of the issue. I am finding it hard to understand why it is still an 'issue'. It is something I feel I should have put to bed a long time ago (and probably did) but it has come back to haunt me, with intrusive obsessive thoughts. I have tried to address it before but without any result. I feel it could be resolved but the other person does not want to 'play ball' so it could be a case of not being in control and a feeling of being let down. Although being hard on myself, I will say I deserve it. I'm not sure this makes any sense but I am thinking alot about your white witch idea, I wonder if this would work or help alleviate it at least. It will be painful to do. I am thinking write in a 'blog' form and you never know, I might even send it in! I'm confident I would get some supportive and helpful responses - then I will burn it ! I am not sure I want to burn it though ! Thank you for giving me much food for thought. Molly xx

Lacey Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 6:56am

Molly and RATG
Ciuncellung wasn't for me or talking therapy or CBT; just couldn't get my head round any of it.
Every time I thought I'd cracked it I found myself lurking on the edge of the black hole that I always fell into.
I have bipolar. Even when I felt good i expected the black dog to arrive after four months and felt like I was to blame for the change. So much self blame when we need to practice self love.
My salvation came after 30+'yrs in the shape of two guys.
Chris Meaden with Havening ( encourages self love) and Pavel Khokhlachev my Transendental Meditation TM teacher.
Both working with me on a one to one basis I have turned my bike round and I'm on the road to recovery. At long last!
Chris is based in Tunbridge Wells, Harley St,London and on Skype. I had three sessions with him and he is very patient and a good soul. Pavel is based in Harrow and Northolt,North London.
I've been to see Chris twice in his offices in Tunbridge Wells and we have had a Skype appointment too. He is at the end of the phone and email if I need help at any time.
I'm seeing Pavel today for a follow up meeting; he will be available for up to six months just like Chris and from then on ,being a TM member I get emails telling me when there are retreats in Suffolk at the Marharichi Palace in Rendlesham,Suffolk.
On my advice my daughter learned the technique up in Edinburgh and is much calmer as a result so that's a weight off my mind. She can lack self esteem and confidence.Currently she is becoming very successful in her own business that she set up in April 2017.
If I can be of any further assistance please let me know,I am happy to help in any way I can.
www.faithliversedge.com is her website; please feel free to take a peek.
I'm so very,very proud of her!
Take care
Lacey x

the room above the garage Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 8:41am

Hello Lacey, that is such a great thing to read! 30+ years of trying and then results shows the sheer grit and determination of living with mental illness. I'm so happy you have found your 'thing'! And I had a peek at your daughter's website, its graphically beautiful, as is she (it shines out of her face). I love a happy story :-) love ratg x.

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 6:37pm

Thank you for the info Lacey, I will check this out xx

Lacey Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:05am

Meant to add that Pavel has an inner glow and a certain aura making learning TM very easy and enjoyable.
Both guys have a fee of course however I was able to pay the reduced amount for TM on supplying proof that I received benefits. Wish I didn't but I have to live as I can't work anymore. There aren't many employers that will give someone with 'wonky brain' a chance at Paris employment sadly. In this day and age it would be so nice if they actually stepped up to the plate and acknowledged that most folk have mental/emotional issues; we are no different to the next person. Can we really ever live without the stigma that surrounds us? There is no us and them; we are all the same and our thoughts,feelings and behaviour are a byproduct of our genes and our upbringing.
Be proud of who you are...I am
Love and have a great weekend if you can
Lacey xx

the room above the garage Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 8:44am

Exactly. We all have mental health! Just as we all have waistlines. Some are in better shape than others. That is all! Thank you for your comments Lacey :-)

Orangeblossom Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:15am

Hi RATG, thanks for the blog which started me thinking. Biting the bullet, taking the garlick as a way of self -medication, is the best way to help ourselves with any difficulties. I believe that counsellors are there to help us over our worst bumps & pot-holes, to guide us in a positive direction and to increase our self-awareness. Practising mindfulness by going on my headspace journey as a daily routine is helping me immensely.

the room above the garage Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 8:48am

Hello Ob, I love hearing what works for people and I too am a Headspace fan. My children like it too, its so adaptable. Sometimes even just saying things out loud to someone is enough to take the sting out of the tail without even being ready to deal with the aftermath. I agree, taking the garlic :-) Good to see you, love ratg x.

LP Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 9:54am

Hi ratg,

I'm with you on that one! I also feel like I'm existing a lot of the time.
I've had short term therapies and long term councelling twice, but I never address the deep stuff, the anger. I do wonder whether the right type of long term therapy might help me exorcise it.
To be very honest, because I'm not certain, I'm not willing to pay to find out. I gave up asking my go.
But maybe I'll ask again. I've also been thinking of changing my gp,
I'm not sure whether I'll muster up the motivation to though.
What I can do is have another chat with my gp next time I'm there. That feels doable and something I can commit to!
I look forward to hearing about your next step. Are we talking a complete new set of undies and out with the old? Or a special wee treat? :)

One good thing is that although there is a lot of existing going on for me, there are also moments of really living :) so in the meantime, wishing more of those to you and us all!
Love LP xx

Catherine Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:19am

Hi! I have tried one to one counselling, support groups, CBT, psychotherapy over the past 8 years. It was the therapy that helped me the most. I finally found someone who I clicked with and I was able to fully open up. In return I found her to be very helpful in dealing with my depression and low self esteem. This therapy has helped me to cope with/ get rid of some of the stuff that holds me back and pulls me down. I have realised that in trying to be a kind person, I have become a people pleaser and that has chipped away at my needs. Not everyone wants to be so pleasing back! I am learning now to pull back a bit but it feels weird not to be so willing all the time as I have a fear of being left alone if I don't please! I'm also trying to deal with the feeling of being taken for granted which is probably a result of being too giving. Im learning to think carefully about what I truly want to give and what type of giving actually does me no good. So I can understand the walking on glass bit!! As I try to step back and consider my own well being, I have found that it has opened my eyes to some people who have been in my life for a long time but have been having a free ride on my time and goodwill but actually make me feel small and insignificant. So I am walking on glass so as to speak, trying to pull back from these people who don't make me feel good. I don't want to lose these long term friendships but I need to adjust the balance and terms of these relationships. Trying not to be a pushover people pleaser isn't easy after being exactly that for many years. Anyone else been in this position? How did you get your life turned around?
Best wishes to everyone.

Jul Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:28am

Hi Catherine. I have written a blog about being too nice and I was so pleased to read your comment as it mirrors exactly how I feel. My blog is yet to be published and I was a bit worried about it but now I've read that you feel the same, I am much happier! Jul xx

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 6:53pm

I can second that Catherine and Jul (or make me the third!) I will look forward to your blog Jul. I don't think I will ever change when it comes to helping people, it is just the way I am. Along with that though comes the disappointment and rejection when it is not returned. My husband is constantly saying "would they do that for you?" or "where are they?" and so I have learnt to hold back a bit, not massively, but I will save my goodness for those that appreciate it! One small thing is the amount of christmas presents I buy this year. I am cutting it by half ! You cannot buy love, and those that care will still be there regardless. Love Molly xx

Catherine Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 8:04am

Thanks Jul! I look forward to reading your blog.

Catherine Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 8:05am

Thanks Molly! It's always good to hear someone else's position.

Jul Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:32am

Hi ratg. Your blog today has made me realise how I waste so many "inbetween days" waiting for the day when I feel good and can achieve anything. I was just about to explain myself but don't think I need to! I shall now try to see every day as an opportunity to be creative and to do things I would normally save for a good day. This doesn't mean every day will be productive though. But more evenly spread. Love Jul xx

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:05pm

Jul, I try and achieve one or two things each day, without pushing myself for the hundred things I wish I could achieve and then congratulate myself for what I have done, however small. Because, let's face it, there are always things that are going to need doing so it is never ending - with that theory, we need to stop 'chasing the rainbow'. In fact, as I write that, it applies to so much in my life. This is good therapy ! Molly xx

Leah Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:54pm

Jul, It is interesting just as you are changing to try things every day , I am thinking that maybe by pushing myself on days when I am not feeling creative, is maybe futile as I tend to get upset and not do much. Maybe its that elusive balance that I have never managed. Maybe I should adopt your attitude of not expecting every day will be productive.xx Molly I like the idea of two things . Xx

The librarian Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:36am

This is great, RATG. I like your broken glass idea, and hadn't realised that about reluctance in Yoga (I stopped going completely about ten years ago when I had what I called yoga-rage - I was too angry to sit stil, but it was probably exactly what I needed to do.)

I am trying to say goodbye to physical belongings at the moment - old articles, books that I'm unlikely to read again, things that remind me of unhappy times, things kept 'in case'. I am hoping it will lighten the physical load, as well as the mental load, and allow room for the new and what's can be chosen according to who I am now, in my early forties rather than my early twenties.

Enjoy your new knickers!

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:10pm

Librarian, I am also having a 'clear out' at the moment. It can be painful, but so very therapeutic - I was ruthless. I had a charity bag put through my door - Age UK (the only ones that put a thank you card through the door). I thought I had nothing to give them, but then filled it up! I thought it best not to put my old knickers in there though :-) xx

The Gardener Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 12:08pm

Treats time! Sounds an odd reaction to your blot, RATG. But in a week that has been sad, traumatic, chaotic, exhausting I am pin-pointing any routine possible. Moodscope is that - mid-day, with a Kir - having ruminated about the blog and its meaning and what I might answer - hence, the 'treat'. My exorcism is a life-time problem coping with mental 'abnormalities' starting with the village idiot (before and during the war kept with parents unless violent) proximity to a major private mental institution, where the 'safe' were allowed out into the community - we kids coped by treating them as a joke. Now, I am in the thick of it - Mr G in respite with 20 other Alzheimer victims - virtually no communication - just blank stares or sudden 'eruptions'. After a major struggle (our GP is puzzled and sorry for me for the stress caused by hospital muddles) Mr G is now in gerontology psychiatry - there is a difference - mainly depressive/psychotic - and they read, do puzzles, talk (not much, but there IS communication). So, what is my exorcism 'strategy'? First, I make sure that I learn the names of all the staff - so I go in, greet them by name, instant smiles. Then, for my own confidence, I dress nicely, put on a bit of make-up. I can then, like a nervous actor going 'on stage' manage to greet all the patients with a smile and a hand-shake. Most important, I do designer knitting - I call my creations 'Les Flamboyants' a follower of Kafe Fasset in my own fashion. This is an amazing ice-breaker - staff and patients crowd round - wanting to now how I do this, admiring the colours and the stitches. To avoid clumsy seams I use a circular knitting needle - unknown even to people who knit. So, those above who are having such difficulties facing up to 'survival' I advise (me, advise!!) - write it all down, like an old-fashioned ledger, the pros and cons - where the 'blockage' is -where it comes from (my problems with mental illness date from childhood, equals 70+ years) - have you an 'army' of counsellors, family, friends, to talk it through? I've always found it terribly difficult to indulge in the equivalent of 'open heart surgery' with personal problems. Right, HOPEFUL programme, lunch, dress nicely, walk to hospital (a bonus, 2 kms walk there and back) knit and chat - back, Mass, then 'Strictly' serious 'detente' time. Thanks RATG, most appreciated. xxx

Dragonfly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 12:32pm

Dear Ratg, your blog makes me feel sad, but is positive despite your uncertainty, right now, of the way forward. Today is one of those days when I feel beyond help - that nothing I try will really make a difference to how I feel. Despite daily Headspace, I still think to the point of mental exhaustion, yet never seem to know myself any better or find any peace of mind. I have no exorcising ideas as everything I do is a sticking plaster, a time filler, a putting-off-of-life because I don't know how to 'do' life very well. I'm sorry, this is truly negative. I hope you find your way forward Ratg x

Justkeepswimming Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 1:58pm

Dragonfly, I’m so touched by your post as I can relate to it in many ways. I send you warm wishes and hope for peace of mind in the near future. X

Molly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:19pm

I feel the same Dragonfly. I tend to get 'waves' where my mind is fighting and 'I am ok, all is ok' to complete panic 'no it is not ok, what I am to do'. That feeling of beyond help is awful. After all, who can stop all the negative thoughts !! It is a constant battle. Love to you Dragonfly and Justkeepswimming (great name) let us all just keep swimming and not get out of depth. Molly xx

Dragonfly Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 7:57pm

Thank you Justkeepswimming and Molly too, I hope you've felt less alone today x

Cogitator Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 12:34pm

Love it, thanks. Yes, I also want to live. You put it so well.

Leah Sat, Oct 7th 2017 @ 10:48pm

Ratg,
Thanks for your great blog. You make me think about things in a different way. I am so slow, it took me hours to understand what the garlic meant? Xx

Valerie Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 3:00pm

Thank you for this.I have left it so late in the day to try to find some purpose and joy in life.Just "existing" is not to be sniffed at though.It shows guts and self-respect to at least hold the fabric of daily life together when you feel lousy. Going onto Auto- pilot is better than letting the plane crash.xx

Molly Sun, Oct 8th 2017 @ 6:09pm

Wise words Valerie xx

Wyvern Mon, Oct 9th 2017 @ 4:07pm

Walking with bare feet along a path of broken glass... I have so many bits of broken glass, things that have broken along the way. Each one carefully picked up, wrapped in tissue paper and put into a special bag. occasionally the bag knocks against me and a sharp bit gives me a jab. Take the parcel out and carefully re-wrap it before putting it back in the bag (i.e. re-frame it in the light of more recent experiences).
Why not let the bits go? Well they are all part of me, part of my history, and I would not be who I am without them. Over the years each parcel gets a bit lighter and there are probably parcels in there that I have forgotten about, until something happens and the whole lot shifts and 'jab!' there it goes, reminding me. Something else that needs a re-wrap.

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