Knitting. Not really.

10 Feb 2018
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It's not a great feeling to revisit times when I have felt so low there seemed little left to cling to and yet I find it is almost essential in the journey to stay well.

Christmas week depleted my last reserves of resilience and left me a little broken. But I have enough experience to know this is my normal and that, if left to lick my wounds, I would recover. I am there, in the process of recovery.

To find a little reassurance, I found myself briefly revisiting a time gone by when I was scared and utterly broken. I have a clear memory of sitting down in the shower, silently crying myself inside out, contemplating emptying the medicine cabinet and driving into something at high speed. Chilling really.

And I am not there. That is good. I have perspective. I won't hang around in that memory for long as it is not a comfortable visit. But it is useful for me to pop in to.

I wonder if you ever use this strategy to bring yourself together? Do you revisit a sore time in order to regroup? Or is it too sore still? Every part of this journey can be hurtful and helpful. I think we can strengthen if we knit them together somehow. Sharp knitting needles meet soft wool. Don't be scared of the scary stuff, it often brings something new.

Sending love from

The room above the garage

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Comments

Barbara

Feb. 10, 2018, 5:10 a.m.

Interesting strategy. A new one to me. I will try to remember to try it. Thank you for a new idea on an old problem.

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The Miner

Feb. 10, 2018, 9:17 a.m.

Wow RATG how powerful & vivid, I am so glad you managed to knit that jumper! I too have been at the bottom of the shower or usually a wine glass thinking about running to the motorway bridge near my home; then I think of my son always & how I don’t want him to be alone; He is my life ; then I think this is a moment tomorrow is another lovely day; who will feed the birds? Then I climb into my security blanket my favourite place in the world where I am safe my bed. Sleep will bring a new start & new hope. Much love & hugs xx

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The Gardener

Feb. 10, 2018, 12:13 p.m.

Ditto to RATG, the Miner. In my very low moments it's not just children - but how much grief you will cause - even to casual acquaintances who will think 'if only we'd popped in'.

Alisha

Feb. 10, 2018, 9:59 a.m.

RATG, what a lovely blog. I revisit the bad times to try to make sense of them , mull them over and rob them of the power they hold over me. Like you I don't stay long, it's not a good place to be. I have to feel strong and be having a good day and I don't get many of those! I don't want to knit them together with my life though, I want to deal with them ,file them, then lock the cabinet door !!! Huggles to all x

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Debbie

Feb. 10, 2018, 10:18 a.m.

I definitely will go over past events, especially, if they are still impacting today, but now, I don't live there - as you shared! I then try to figure out what it is I need to do differently and when the lesson comes up again, as I find life is like a circle, it keeps giving me the same lessons over and over. I try the new way of reacting/behaviour and see if it works, if not, there probably something else I can try that I haven't tried before.

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The Gardener

Feb. 10, 2018, 12:29 p.m.

Yesterday was a 'bad time' - not on the same lines as you, RATG. But trying to find the strength to battle pain, cold and the 'old chestnuts' which fail to go away is wearing, and my strongest weapon, ******-mindedness, has taken a holiday.Having an absolute saga with passport photos -then to photo club, shut - no notification that it was cancelled, so justifiably peeved (turned out poor leader's brother had died, so I had to un-peeve). At care home Mr G was **** - he causes trouble every morning because he thinks he should be the first to be dressed (could do it himself 4 months ago, now refuses). Every afternoon there is some sort of animation, very well organised - Mr G has never done organised sociability, so sulks in his wheel-chair till I arrive, then I get the lot. I actually admitted to my pals that I was 'fache' (cross) - as, happily, it's unusual something had to be done. I was ashamed of my husband - this English couple, welcomed and cared for, and there was Monsieur causing more hassle than people in a much worse state. Staff assured me nothing to be ashamed of - I had done all I could. I turned the passport saga into a sort of Monty Python sketch in french, so we had a good laugh. But I am struggling with the thin line with just too many problems at my age - but RATG and knitting - my armchair, my cat, my knitting (most flamboyant design yet - kitchen table now a design studio - has to be swiped to one side for visitors. Total aside, but raided Lidl, cheap mangos and Panettone (Italian cake) so breakfasts will be a treat. Debbie, unlike you, life is NOT a circle - so much has changed, facing problems/life-style/decisions never met before - coping with the challenges is the great task. Here's to you, RATG, tipple changed from Kir to Muscat (cheap Lidl, probably has something nasty in it). xx

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Lucas

Feb. 10, 2018, 1:49 p.m.

I think for me it depends on where I am at the time. Sometimes I can draw strength from noticing that I'm doing better than I have at other times, even if things feel and are bad, realizing that if I got through that, I can get through this. At other times it just seems like things keep happening and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, leading to various combinations of blaming myself, feeling that life is too unfair, and something else that just slipped my mind. I can't always tell what state I'm in, in advance. I can usually figured it out pretty quickly by where my thoughts go after, though! I do have the memories of when I got to the point of forming actual plan to end myself... I think that might be something I need to examine even though I don't want to. Often if there's some thought or topic that makes me uncomfortable or that I don't want to deal with, that's exactly where I need to focus. (With therapists, I've sometimes said, when a couple of things have been suggested, "oh, I don't want to talk about that one, let's start there!")

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Ach UK

Feb. 10, 2018, 6:13 p.m.

Hi RATG, That's an interesting blog. I sometimes sit and unwrap old memories - nice ones will often lift me or give me a sense of comfort and belonging. Ones that bring back dark times are more tricky. I can see from your blog the usefulness as a comparison, and sometimes unwrapping them and looking from a safe distance one can diminish their malignancy, but sometimes some memories can become destructive and better to wrap them up for another day or label Do Not Disturb. Like Lucas said, it depends on one's state of mind. Perhaps sometimes one can do a bit of unravelling (thinking of you knitting ) with a good friend for company . . . I guess this is " a problem shared is a problem halved." :)) scratching an itch can be very satisfactory, and stimulate healing, but not shoving the knitting needle down inside a plaster cast lol where you might set off secondary infection . . Hope you are tucked in the warm with big mug of tea and enjoying your many interesting replies. I wonder if you are knitting complex and beautiful patterns in your creation? Is it a jumper or scarf or squares for a big blanket? Love to you RATG. XX Ach

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Bearofliddlebrain

Feb. 10, 2018, 6:41 p.m.

Hi Ratg A very poignant blog. I’m so sorry you had such a hard time again, at Christmas but you used a strategy to help yourself heal. I think it is good to be able to revisit a time when things have been much worse, if only to try to put today's sadness and depression into some sort of perspective. My heart goes out to you and everyone who ends up feeling so low at rock bottom, because it is **** that life is not worth living for anymore. Dear Ratty, I can’t knit, but I try to crochet the woolly goodness of old memories and new! Beady Hugs x x x

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mandy

Feb. 10, 2018, 8:44 p.m.

This morning than any other piece has resonated. I could totally relate to the shower/medicine cabinet. Thank you for sharing it.... it's good to hear I am not alone..

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Sally

Feb. 11, 2018, 10:13 a.m.

Poor you! What a painful memory, that off sitting on the floor of the shower... I think it’s good to be reminded of how far we’ve come. Also that we’ve come through stronger. I like your phrase “ sharp knitting needles meet soft wool”. Such a thought provoking blog, Ratg.

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dancing hippo

Feb. 11, 2018, 3:03 p.m.

I have been pretty low for awhile , with insomnia , exhausted , stressed etc. etc. - today my graph dot slipped to 14 , lower was only once many moons ago at 10 . I have difficulty concentrating on words that I am reading as my mind wonders in worry lands

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dancing hippo

Feb. 11, 2018, 3:05 p.m.

something weird happened when I was writing and wanted to copy - each word was highlighted in yellow in turn and I could not stop it or carry on , posting worked hence interruption ..

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dancing hippo

Feb. 11, 2018, 3:17 p.m.

what I wanted to add after reading this lovely blog The room above the garage , is to admit to my way of coping with unbearable stress or pain . Maybe it is a completely different strategy but it works like a comfort blanket and puts things in perspective. I think of suicide daily . " I can always kill myself " is my mantra . When I get really really desperate it is : " I can always kill myself tomorrow " . " Tomorrow " is the life saver . Pushing the thought away lets me get on with today best I can and keeps me grounded and present . On the other hand , when I rage inside , hurt , full of accusations and final cutting phrases I do make sure to cut myself from any ways of communicating them to the guilty parties till the wrath dies down . Looking back I may even see it from their perch , cringe at my overreaction and thank my lucky star or full moon for keeping me from expressing all this righteous venom and losing more friends and family members .Words may not be unsaid . I guess this part of my comment moves to the next day blog .

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the room above the garage

Feb. 11, 2018, 9:26 p.m.

Hello everyone, my apologies for not having replied as yet, I don’t like not replying on the day. For anyone still reading, I will reply ASAP (prob tomorrow) as there have been such interesting responses and they deserve time. Love ratg x.

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Bearofliddlebrain

Feb. 12, 2018, 12:10 p.m.

Take you time, dear Ratty...you don’t need to beat yourself up trying to get back to everyone at all...the space is for anyone to use, as well as for appreciation of the blogs and the replies....be kind to you. Bear hugs x 10000000s xx

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dancing hippo

Feb. 13, 2018, 10:53 a.m.

Ditto.

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