Moodscope's blog



Keeping Vigil. Wednesday September 23, 2015

[Today's blog is by Mary, who, as you will read about, is not feeling great at the moment. Please read it carefully as Mary is specifically requesting that no-one says "I hope you feel better soon". She knows, as I do, that you'll all be thinking about her and she appreciates that. I'm sure those of you who have been in this position will understand. You are welcome to leave other comments. Carolinex - The Moodscope Team]

Help! I've been kidnapped again.

Yes, there I was, just walking along, minding my own business, planning my life and setting goals and taking action when suddenly – WHAM...

"I wake to feel the fell of dark, not day," as Gerard Manley Hopkins so eloquently put it.

Here I am, in this dark dungeon, a hundred feet underground, weighed down with heavy chains and unable to move. There is a skittering and rustling around me (Rats? Cockroaches?) and the ghostly echoes of those who have been here before moaning that all is lost, this is forever; now is the time for despair.

A hundred feet up, from the small circle of light that signals the outside world, I can hear the concerned voices of my friends and family. "Why do you think this happened?" "Was there a trigger?" "Have you been doing too much?" "Is there anything we can do to help?"
And yes, there is something you can do to help: you can stop asking me all those stupid questions! While I'm down here I'm incapable of answering you in a way you will find acceptable.

What happened is that my serotonin levels dropped. It may qualify as a mental health issue, but believe me, it's physical. No, there was no damn' trigger; I just get hijacked by this faulty chemical balancing act in my brain. No – I haven't been doing too much, because by this time I know darn well not to ride the high I get before the fall.

So you can help by not worrying about me. I'll get through. I've been here before – many times. It's not pleasant, but it is bearable. You can help by not asking those questions which make me feel as if somehow I'm to blame for falling down here. Believe me, I do everything I can to avoid it. You can help by not saying "I hope you will feel better tomorrow," because the shortest time I've been a prisoner here before has been six weeks. Tomorrow is unlikely to be the day I am released. You can help by understanding and by just - being there.

Today I was kidnapped in another way by a lovely friend who told me, "I'm taking you out for coffee. I'm picking you up at 10am. Be ready." We went out, we had coffee, just for an hour, because that's all I could manage. She said, "I want you to know that we care and that we haven't forgotten about you while you're down."

That's the kind of help I appreciate. The odd email, just to say "hello", maybe a card. Not a telephone call please – I can't take those.

But – it's nice to know you're still there, keeping vigil for me.

While I'm in this oubliette, please don't forget about me.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Anonymous Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 4:43am

I wished I was able to express myself as you did when I am not fine.

My aunt, she is such a good person. A woman married a man from my family. She became a widow in her thirties. I do not like her, she talks only about herself. In her forties, I do not know why she was depressed. So it was her birthday. My aunt took a taxi went to her house, asked her to change her dress and they went to the mall nearby for tea in the afternoon. They did spend sometime there and she brought her back to her home.

You might understand why, in two weddings where there was only the mothers and siblings of the couple, my aunt was the only person to be invited to participate.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:52am

Hello Anonymous, Yes - non-judgemental kindness is a soothing and healing balm for the soul. Your (second) aunt is a force for good in the world. And yes - I am just so very grateful that, when everything else deserts me, the words don't. The words bring me great comfort.

Anonymous Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 4:44am

Mary, I am not used to this new system. This is me, Silvia.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:52am

Hello Silvia. Thank you for dropping by.

Catherine Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:21am

So eloquently put Mary, thank you,
keeping vigil.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:53am

Thank you.

Hopeful One Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:25am

Hi Mary- looks like a case of acute hypo serotoninaemia (AHS) I made that one up. Now if it was hypoglycaemia one would give glucose immediately. In AHS unfortunately there is no such infusion available currently BUT we can raise the levels indirectly. My first treatment of choice is Hope- keep whistling even if it feels dark. Secondly humour - so see if this brings a smile. What is the difference between an actuary and an accountant? Answer: an actuary has no sense of humour. I did not make that one up- an accountant friend told me that.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:55am

Hopeful One - you are so, so right. Yes - refusing to abandon hope (fortunately past Moodscope scores are good at providing evidence that this is just temporary) and thank you for the joke. As I was once upon a time an accountant myself I will share an another accountant joke with you. How can you spot an extroverted accountant? He talks to your shoes instead of his own!

the room above the garage Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:29am

Love ratg x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:56am


Rose Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:32am

Thank you so much for expressing how you are feeling although it hurts knowing that others have to feel similar hell as me its also very nice to know others GET IT...

life is pitch black... no there is no REASON!!! and Phone is very much on silent! Take care xxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:57am

Hi Rose. Yup. We'll metaphorically join each other in the blanket fort. Thanks for the comment. As you say - we wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but it's nice to know we're not alone.

Eva Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:35am

Thinking of you Mary. I feel somewhat similar I am also in a hole created by grief of bereavement, I don't know how long it will last. I am closer to the top than I was, I think I actually dug down deeper for a time, I still am very fragile and tired, hormones don't help.

At least here on Moodscope maybe we can tunnel through and have a subterranean meet up. There seem to be a lot of tools lying around.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:59am

What a lovely image Eva, much more powerful than knocking on our cell walls to communicate. As I said to Rose, I wish you weren't down here too, but it's nice to have the company.

Kelley Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:02am

Mary, I know that oubliette well - I've been in it a long time, and am just starting my ascent up towards the light again. Today, I'm giving your hand a squeeze in the dark, and leave you a posy of (magically obtained, everlasting) freesia, which you can smell anytime you need reminding of the sun and brighter days. Hug xxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:00am

Oh Kelley - thank you so much! As I read your words I saw a bunch of bright yellow freesia like a beam of sunshine. So glad you are on the way up and out. I wish you well.

Alex Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:09am

And this is why people - no matter how well intended - who say "you are choosing your depression", or variations of that, are ( in my opinion) misguided and sometimes downright harmful. And I wish I had said this when I intended to. Sending you purrs from Spock and Data, Mary

Debs Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:41am

Hi Alex, I get that completely and I hope my blog last week didn't offend. I have been wracked with guilt since it came out, thinking that people might have taken it personally. Last Weds I went downhill and am in the place as Mary so any thought that I may have hurt someone is especially raw. Please accept my deepest and sincerest appologies if this is the case. With love, Debs xxx

susan Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:11am

Dear Debs, your contribution to Moodscope is great and you are lovely...and this is a very complex arena. Wishing you a peaceful heart. susan xx Best wishes to you, too, Alex. xx

Caroline Ashcroft from Moodscope Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:08am

Debs, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have not meant to hurt anyone and you were talking about your own personal experience, not anyone else's. Just look at all the positive comments following your blog - fantastic. So please don't worry about it - Moodscope is supposed to help, not make things worse for you!! Caroline :-)

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:12am

Debs my dear - I certainly didn't interpret your post in any negative way, and this post wasn't written as a repost to it. Your post was about (I think) choosing not to be a victim. So now I'm hoping that my own post above doesn't sound like I'm choosing to be a victim. For me this is like a regularly occurring broken leg or something similar. I have to put myself in plaster, rest and then get about on crutches for a while. It's a nuisance, it's an inconvenience and unpleasant and the only thing to do is just grit my teeth and get through it. I think we only choose to become victims when we give up hope and refuse to take responsibility (see my post of July 21st Confined By, Defined By, or Refined By?) So sorry you're down here with me, but you Rose, Eva and I can have a very quiet party together. Oh, and Jenny too, I see below.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:12am

Alex, thank you and thank you to Spock and Data too. All purrs gratefully received.

Debs Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 12:10pm

Hi Mary - wow, look at what you have created with your beautiful honest open-hearted post, a whole sea of support for all of us! Moodscope truly is a magical place. I love your idea of seeing depression as a broken leg. Brilliant. Inconvenient and unpleasant but just something to get through.... I'm going to take that on today. I'm also going to go back to the confined by post and have a read. Thank you - and Susan and Caroline too. I'm kicking off the quiet party with a cup of tea and a biscuit, let me know how you take yours ;-) xxx

Mary S Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:37pm

I love your cats names :)

Alex Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 8:52am

Oh, Debs, I am truly sorry for upsetting struck a nerve, and I lashed out, which is never a good thing, and Im so sorry you are in that horrible dark place now: I spoke harshly, it was wrong of me, and completely unnecessary and hurtful. You have absolutely no need to apology to me, and I do hope you accept my apology ...sending purrs from Spock and Data Alex

Alex Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 8:56am

Thank you :) ....the Vulcan is beside me, blissing out on washing his feet....I love how enthusiastic he is, doing it with such gusto. He's a very big orange boy, so there's an image for you to think of..... Alex

Debs Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 9:23am

Oh Alex, if I could reach out and hug you I would. What a wonderfully sensitive, caring, emotional-rollercoaster bunch we are ;-) When I'm well anyone could say anything and it would just bounce off me, I don't take anything personally and I don't care what anyone thinks of me! But when I'm down here I feel like people and their words are sandpaper - every sllight rub makes me itch with discomfort and hurt. We neither of us have anything to apologise for - I'm here for you and I know that is mutual. Give your pussies a big hug from me ;-)) Sending love xx

Jenny Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:17am

Take care I agree it is very physical. I'm in a similar hole as well with my cats and my teabags and teapot.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:13am

Very comforting, cats and tea. And pretty teapots. Love to you.

Louise Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:23am

You are a beautiful person, Mary. I know this because of the elequence of you writing. I fear reading the morning Moodscope in case the lows bring me down. I shall save your blog to show nearest and dearest when i am unable to see the light. I am with you Mary. Just be, you know it will end soon.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:13am

Bless you Louise.

danielle Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:33am

Sending love Mary and thinking of you at this time. Take each day as it comes and look after yourself don't worry about the others they will understand eventually and if they don't well it doesn't really matter! We are all here so if there is anything we can do let us know. Xxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:17am

You have already helped. Thank you so much.

Mel Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:33am

Fantastic choice of words, I can relate to this on so many levels. Your bravery is extremely admirable.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:18am

Thank you Mel. Not brave, just wanting to share in case it helped.

PInkwaterfairy Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:43am

Mary, am here

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:18am

Thank you Pinkwaterfairy (what a lovely name)

Petal Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:48am

Enormously helpful Mary. Keeping vigil. X

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:19am

Thank you Petal. I am very grateful

Ann Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:50am

Hi Mary, Eva, Rose and others,
stuck down here for now too... hardest when completely alone, so thanks for tapping on the walls of your cells...
Thankyou Mary for writing a blog from here, that's impressive, and much appreciated.
Ann x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:21am

Hello Ann, If we all burrow through to each other we can sit around together and not be so alone. You never know, one of us might have the energy to rig up some fairy lights to look pretty. You can all share the yellow freesias Kelly gave me

Jigme Datse Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:59am

I have been kidnapped as well today. I was triggered by certain events. But then, certain bits of "becoming triggered" were entirely no known reason. But I did end up being triggered. I'm not quite sure why.

I wish there was actually something more I could do. For you, and for me. I just am not sure where to even start. I can see things like going out with people for coffee are great things, but I'm pretty sure there is almost no chance that could happen between us. Anyway. Keep doing what you know works. And maybe you can have enough people around you who know what works for you, that they can help you do that.


Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:22am

Hello Jigme. Coffee has happened for some of us, so don't believe it's impossible. Difficult yes, but not impossible.

Debbie Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:15am

I totally hear you Mary and others. I'm in that place again too. Thank you for your blog today, I feel one less person alone now xx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:23am

Hi Debbie. Burrowing through to your cell too.

Lynne Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:17am

Keeping you in my thoughts. xx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:23am

Thank you

Julia Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:25am

Hi Mary
I'm sorry you are feeling bad again and I am thinking of you. You should be really proud of yourself for managing to write the blog. It definitely resonated with me and I have found lots of the other stuff you've written helpful too.
Love Julia

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:24am

Thank you Julia. I am so lucky that the words stay with me. They are my greatest comfort at times like this.

Debs Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:36am

Dearest Mary, I am in the same place today and have been since last Weds so I can't thank you enough for writing this today - I feel like you have reached out to me through your words. I am sending so much love and care your way and want you to know I'm with you every step of the way. Love and thoughts, Debs xxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:25am

Sending gentle hugs your way.

Becky Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:59am

Mary, I haven't left a comment before but I so identified with your post, as I so often do. The search for triggers is so often futile and feels blaming, as if we bring this on ourselves. It just happens, it has its own mysterious logic, the highs as well as the lows. And all we can do is live it as best we can through it. I hope this will be a short episode for you, but however long or short it may be, know that we are with you. And keep writing when you can, your words mean more than you can know.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:26am

Thank you so, so much Becky. It is great to know that this post has been helpful rather than self-indulgent.

Lex Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:02am

Just being there x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:26am


Terence Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:41am

Hello Mary x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:27am

Hello Back. Thank you

Louise Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:50am

It is both terrifying and something of a dark comfort to read your words and know, absolutely *know* that someone else is feeling what I have felt. I am so sorry you are feeling this, but know you are most definitely not alone. I am lighting a candle and keeping vigil. Hugs.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:32am

Thank you

Sue Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:51am

Just thinking of you. Hugs xx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:32am

Thank you

susan Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:05am

Dearest Mary, it would simply not be possible to forget about you while you are in your oubliette, so have no fear of that. Sending love to you. susan xx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:32am

Thank you Susan, you made me laugh there!

Rosemary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 5:20pm

Thank you for such a helpful post. When I feel low I also feel guilty for feeling wretched. Reading the blog made me realize I'm not alone. What is an oubliette?

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:26pm

Hello Rosemary, an oubliette is a pit - normally found at the very bottom of a dungeon where prisoners were confined - normally without hope of release. It takes its name from the French for "Forget" - so you see I was rather trying to be clever there!

Bearofliddlebrain Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:47am

Hug x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:32am


Joanne Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:47am

Sending you some positive vibes during meditation xxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:33am

Thank you

Rachel Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:05am

Hi Mary. Thanks for this. What I love about your blog is that there is not a whiff of self pity or of 'You don't understand the hell I'm going through'. There's just a sense of 'Here's where I am today. Tomorrow may be better or worse but I'll find out when I get there.' Rachel xx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:34am

Thank you for saying that Rachel. When I read it again this morning I was fearful that it could be read as a "Woe if me" blog - and I'm so grateful that nobody here seems to have taken it that way. You relieve my mind considerably and I'm grateful.

Brum Mum Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:08am

Mary, your posts are always eloquent, beautiful and quite often funny. To have that skill when buried deep down in a tunnel is truly remarkable. Sending warm wishes x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:37am

Ah thank you!

Sue Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:13am

Mary you have said everything I wish I could say, I just avoid people because I don't want to listen to all the questions I don't have the answer too. Wishing you well.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:38am

Yup. Holing up in my blanket fort with a "No entry to people: cats welcome" sign. I am no adding to that sign "Moodscopers also welcome"

Victoria Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:29am

The reply function isn't working for me so one long comment from me.

Debs, a counsellor many years ago told me I was choosing depression. I can still remember the searing heat of the anger I felt. It took me a long time to learn that there was merit to what she was saying, without in any way downplaying this truly horrible illness. No offence taken. This is surely a space where we can say how we are feeling, even if it isn't the same for everyone. You wrote with a pure heart.

Mary, there's a story I love in an episode of The West Wing. A man falls into a big hole in the road. A priest walks by and hears the man. He writes out a prayer and throws it into the hole. A doctor walks by, sees the man, writes out a prescription and throws it into the hole. A friend walks by, he sees the man and jumps into the hole. The first man says "you idiot, now we're both stuck down here". And the second man replies "but I've been down here before and I know the way out".

With apologies for the bad pun and mauling of the song...

You are our sunshine
Such lovely sunshine
You make us co-lour-ful
When skies are grey
No matter winter, spring or summer
When you fall
We'll be here for you

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:40am

Victoria, thank you so much. Just reading all these lovely comments have brought sunshine into my darkness. You are all such lovely people who understand. Bless you.

Debs Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 12:14pm

Thanks Victoria, that is surely the joy of Moodscope, the fact that we can all relate in someway to each other and understand the nuances. Mary - you being so wholehearted and open allows us to be the same so thank you for who you are being. Much love xxx

Lorraine Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 2:18pm

Victoria, I love your West Wing quote! I havn't heard that before, but it really resonates with me. I run a peer support group and it's going on my office wall right now !

Janis Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:37am

Just be.........x

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:40am

Yup. Just being.... Thanks.

Elizabeth Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 11:56am

Hello, Mary - I hope this is an appropriate time to tell you how much I have been enjoying your other ('colours') blog postings since I found it, and how much I have learned from it. You are such a terrific writer. Sending virtual hugs and good wishes.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:27pm

Thank you Elizabeth, your words are very much appreciated.

Jan Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 12:01pm

While I am lucky to not have experienced the elevator ride of serotonins I do know and love several people who have dark days or weeks. Thank you for writing so clearly about how it is for you and what helps and doesn't.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:28pm

Pleased you've found it useful

Little Black Cat Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:14pm

In the dark you can just see my eyes glinting; I've been here too you are not alone but supported by the whole family of sufferers. Never alone

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:28pm

Thank you little black cat. You are great company.

The Gardener Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:44pm

Mary, I'm down there with you. The help I expected from visiting young family has turned to criticism, of my ideas for and treatment of my husband. It's a living death anyway, relieved by support of those around me. Always, in the darkest hours, something inside me has said 'continue that fight, I'm with you', for the devout, it's God. I know too well how the poor 'well meaners' are no help at all - then you feel awful after you've spurned their well-meaning but useless help. My only comfort is a picture of the most beautiful mosque in the world, with 'I will live' scrawled over it - little comfort at the moment - but we're in this black hole together - a rope WILL be thrown down, make sure you catch it. We live in a funny sort of club, so, make use of the other members - there seem to be a lot out there. A big hug (and send me one back, I need one too) XX

Caroline Ashcroft from Moodscope Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:37pm

Sending you a big hug Gardener. Carolinexx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:31pm

Oh - a huge hug for you Gardener. We cannot know what you are going through with your husband. I hope that each one of us will help you nurture that small indomitable flame of courage. Keep hanging on my dear - just keep on keeping on.

Mary S Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:56pm

Hi Mary,

I like what your friend said:

'She said, "I want you to know that we care and that we haven't forgotten about you while you're down."'

It's wonderful to hear there are people out there who are supportive and get it. When people say 'I hope you feel better soon' I feel like well I know I won't but I know no one wants to hear the reality of how I feel because it would be seen as me being a self-indulgent downer.

I am in awe that you can write such an articulate blog when you are in such a dark place. It's helpful to me to read a coherent description that is like what I sometimes feel but cannot put into words for the life of me.

Don't ever feel like you shouldn't write about the dark as well as the light. There's a time for positive thinking, but if people think everyone can solve all their problems by denying they exist I disagree. I think we need to express what we feel more freely.

From another Mary

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:33pm

Thank you so much Mary. I appreciate you so much.

Di Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:56pm

Dearest MaryDoll ~
I am here.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:33pm

Love you, Di. XOX

Lucas Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 1:57pm

There is a lot here I can relate to. People trying to be helpful with questions or suggestions only making things worse: I always have asked myself, in great detail, why I've become depressed. For me, being questioned tends to feel insulting, whether I found a "reason" and someone keeps asking, then it seems like they're saying I shouldn't be depressed; or if I say I don't know why, the questioning becomes an insult to my intelligence. And usually when I say, "no it's not that" to everything, they get frustrated, when my point wasn't finding out why in the first place.

Most suggestions I get from people are out of touch with depression or things I already know, too. I just want to connect, to have someone recognize that, "wow, that sucks," and say or do something that makes me feel liked. Usually people point out material qualities, and those are meaningless to me.

Reading your blogpost today, I was also reminded of the depiction of Azkaban in the Harry Potter series. I immediately recognized the place: depression. I also understood that JK Rowling must have had some direct experience with it herself to be able to nail it so accurately. The prison/prisoner analogy is very apt.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:34pm

Wow, Lucas - you too have nailed it! Azkaban indeed. And yes - everything you say is so apt.

Lucas Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 4:35pm

As much as it sucks to have these experiences, at least for me it helps to know there are others who feel it the same way. Thanks for replying, too, it's good to know that I'm heard.

Lorraine Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 2:22pm

Hey Mary- just sending love, now budge over a bit, me and my labrador coming in with cookies. And don't worry he loves cats ...

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:35pm

Thank you. You're very welcome to join me. What colour lab?

Susan Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 3:23pm

Mary - hold out your hand and put it in mine. You are not alone.xx

Dave Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 4:53pm

Mary every day I pray especially for people struggling with any type of mental illness=like me with bi-polar. Now I am going to pray again especially for you and send you hugs from both me and also a couple of licks from my two puppies .. Buddy and Shep dog

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:36pm

prayers, hugs and licks all so very gratefully recieved

the room above the garage Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 5:40pm

Much love around today. Beautiful stuff! I'm smiling at it, love ratg x.

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:37pm

Indeed. Isn't it wonderful!

Debbie Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 6:32pm

You are the main reason that I enjoy being part of mood scope . You are so eloquent in your writing and it always hits a nerve with me as I also suffer from bipolar . Like you I had been well for nearly 2 years instead of my usual cyclic 3 months so when I crashed in March of this year I was devastated !! It took me 3 months to become well again . During all this time your blogs really helped . You just feel like you are not alone in the world . I hope your friends continue to rally round and that you are honest with them . I have a wonderful set of friends and my family who are always there for me and know that eventually I pull through . Sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs . Xxxxxx

Mary Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 7:37pm

Debbie - your words have made my cry. Everyone has been so lovely today. Thank you. Just thank you so much

Rebecca Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:19pm

I wish I had friends who knew how to handle me when I'm down. My best friend has moved away and certain other "friends" don't contact me, ignore me when I'm down. Having moved yards away from these "friends" I'm starting to think maybe they never cared about me that much. It is easy to stay in contact with people when you see them regularly. I'm really hurting at the moment, life is just so tough.

Debs Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 8:49pm

Hi Rebecca, I just saw your post and wanted to reach out to send a whole bucket... no wheelbarrow... no, garden shed (!) full of support. I totally get where you are and I'm right there with you. I feel like my friends have a 'limit' on support and pretty much all of them bar one or two reached that a long time ago and have run out of things to say. I spoke to a friend this morning and she said 'what are you depressed about'? and then another who said 'oh I know, I always feel low at this time of year, it's hard to feel like going out isn't it'. What I feel like doing is screaming 'You just don't get it do you??!!!!" but what I try instead to think is 'is takes an extremely amazing, unique person to understand depression and to know the words to say'. If you haven't been there its v v difficult to understand. But... we can be that person for each other and that's why Moodscope is so special. Be so so gentle on yourself hun, I'm reaching out across cyberspace to you with a hand to hold yours. You're here and you created a post which is an incredible achievement. Be proud that you did that - it resonated with me and that means the world. Sending much much love xxxxxxxxxx

Rebecca Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:58pm

Thanks, means a lot.xx

Maria Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:23pm

I feel the same I know exactly how you feel I am in the same boat. It makes me sad as I am always blaming myself and I feel resentment on some of my friends I hate feeling this way but when I am really down which I am at the moment I feel angry with friends and it has also made me question if they were real friends at all but I really do miss having friends as I am a really loyal friend but pity I just don't get the same back xx

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:43pm

So sorry Rebecca. Sending hugs, and you know you at least have friends here at Moodscope who understand.

Sally Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:25pm

Hi Mary, thank you for such a thoughtful post, showing that even from a dark place you can put in the effort to reach other people. There is no chance of being forgotten as I miss you when you do not post and get worried that you have been kidnapped and then feel concerned for you and the others in your rather crowded black hole. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
With love.

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:45pm

Bless you Sally. Yes - so sorry for not posting in the summer - I had huge problems connecting to the internet as a result of upgrading to windows 10 and being in a dead spot as far as the internet is concerned.

Dawn Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:43pm

Sending a basket full of pretty little cupcakes to last the duration of your confinement :D xx

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:46pm

Nfffl Grmmm. Um (swallows, clears throat) Thank you. Thank you very much!

Carrie Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 9:59pm

I am reminded of advice given by Stephen Fry
"If you know someone who's depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do."
Mary you expresss yourself every bit as well as Mr Fry.

Even in your dungeon you (and your lovely friend) have reminded me that there is something I can do for an elderly neighbour who is struggling with health problems and agonising over whether her husband with Alzheimer's should go into a nursing home. I can't make her decision but I can take her out for coffee while her husband is at day care.
Thank you
Thinking of you.

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:47pm

What excellent advice from the lovely Mr Fry. There is rarely a "why". And yes, your neighbour will appreciate the coffee and listening ear so much.

Frankie Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:09pm

Sending you a virtual shoulder to cry on, and plenty of tissues - oh and tea, always tea. I salute your honesty and courage in opening up which has helped so many.
Frankie x

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:47pm

Thank you Frankie. I appreciate the tea.

Maria Wed, Sep 23rd 2015 @ 10:16pm

I know exactly how it feels to feel like you are kidnapped and everyone saying what happened why are you feeling like this today has something happened?? I thought friends knew me better I didn't realise something had to be wrong for me to feel so low. I feel like screaming at times I really feel no one understands I do feel alone. I don't have many friends and the friends I do have I find they are just wrapped up in there own problems. I really want to believe that it is good to talk but most of the time I don't because I feel no one is really listening or really cares. I have seen a few blogs and it is nice to see that people on these blogs seem to have some very good friend but than I feel sad as I realise I don't really have anyone like that

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:48pm

Yes - it's hard when you feel so alone. Remember that you can always come here: this is such a supportive group.

Nicola Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 1:29pm

This too will pass. Something I mutter to myself in good and bad times. The sun will come out tomorrow - or if not tomorrow, then soon after. Big hugs xx

Mary Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 2:49pm

Singing the song from Annie as I write this!

Anonymous Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 1:31pm

It was really lovely to read this. I feel much the same way when my moods turn dark. On the hardest days, hearing "how was your day" feels like an accusation. Because my day sucked, and I don't feel like talking about it and I don't want to hear "oh that's too bad, I hope it gets better". Because it's just a tough day and it'll be fine when it gets fine but I don't want a reminder of precisely how not-fine it is right now. It's amazing how crushing that simple well-intentioned conversation can be, and I'm reassured to know that others go through it (or a variation of it).

Terri Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 3:59pm

Keeping you in my thoughts. And as a wise woman once said:
"When life hands you lemons, use the juice to squirt in people's eyes!"

Joy Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 5:57pm

Thank you Mary for writing so eloquently about being down when their is no external trigger. When the neurotransmitters in our heads decide to go awry for no reason, it's hard for others to understand that no, there is nothing we did/ didn't do to get here. It's so nice to know others have been there. Thanks again for sharing.

Mary Tue, Sep 29th 2015 @ 8:48pm

Absolutely Joy. I think of it as a faulty valve in my brain. It's a damn nuisance and it needs managing, but until the medics fine a way to repair that valve, we're stuck with it. (pause). Damn!

Bonita Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 6:04pm

What an amazingly apt description Mary, I honestly could not describe the feeling of despair you feel when on the long journey 'down there' but you have totally captured the very essence of it. Superb x

Mary Tue, Sep 29th 2015 @ 8:54pm

Thank you.

Anonymous Thu, Sep 24th 2015 @ 6:14pm

Better late than never - being there beside you today, too - just sitting next to you, on a bench in a metaphoric park, watching the fall foliage, waiting for the sun to rise again. P

Mary Tue, Sep 29th 2015 @ 8:54pm


Rona Fri, Sep 25th 2015 @ 5:12am

Mary, Bonita (as well as others) expressed my reaction to your post exactly). I know where you are, I understand the feelings but am completely AMAZED that despite the deep, dark hopelessness that has currently entrapped you, you still managed to describe the experience so perfectly and vividly. I said a prayer for you & you'll be in my thoughts. I want to thank you for sharing this experience so vividly as I know that at some point down the road it will give me comfort to know that I'm not the only person on the planet that experiences this depth of darkness& despair.

Mary Tue, Sep 29th 2015 @ 8:55pm

Thank you so much Rona.

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