Keeping Vigil.

Wednesday September 23, 2015

[Today's blog is by Mary, who, as you will read about, is not feeling great at the moment. Please read it carefully as Mary is specifically requesting that no-one says "I hope you feel better soon". She knows, as I do, that you'll all be thinking about her and she appreciates that. I'm sure those of you who have been in this position will understand. You are welcome to leave other comments. Carolinex - The Moodscope Team]

Help! I've been kidnapped again.

Yes, there I was, just walking along, minding my own business, planning my life and setting goals and taking action when suddenly – WHAM...

"I wake to feel the fell of dark, not day," as Gerard Manley Hopkins so eloquently put it.

Here I am, in this dark dungeon, a hundred feet underground, weighed down with heavy chains and unable to move. There is a skittering and rustling around me (Rats? Cockroaches?) and the ghostly echoes of those who have been here before moaning that all is lost, this is forever; now is the time for despair.

A hundred feet up, from the small circle of light that signals the outside world, I can hear the concerned voices of my friends and family. "Why do you think this happened?" "Was there a trigger?" "Have you been doing too much?" "Is there anything we can do to help?"
And yes, there is something you can do to help: you can stop asking me all those stupid questions! While I'm down here I'm incapable of answering you in a way you will find acceptable.

What happened is that my serotonin levels dropped. It may qualify as a mental health issue, but believe me, it's physical. No, there was no damn' trigger; I just get hijacked by this faulty chemical balancing act in my brain. No – I haven't been doing too much, because by this time I know darn well not to ride the high I get before the fall.

So you can help by not worrying about me. I'll get through. I've been here before – many times. It's not pleasant, but it is bearable. You can help by not asking those questions which make me feel as if somehow I'm to blame for falling down here. Believe me, I do everything I can to avoid it. You can help by not saying "I hope you will feel better tomorrow," because the shortest time I've been a prisoner here before has been six weeks. Tomorrow is unlikely to be the day I am released. You can help by understanding and by just - being there.

Today I was kidnapped in another way by a lovely friend who told me, "I'm taking you out for coffee. I'm picking you up at 10am. Be ready." We went out, we had coffee, just for an hour, because that's all I could manage. She said, "I want you to know that we care and that we haven't forgotten about you while you're down."

That's the kind of help I appreciate. The odd email, just to say "hello", maybe a card. Not a telephone call please – I can't take those.

But – it's nice to know you're still there, keeping vigil for me.

While I'm in this oubliette, please don't forget about me.

A Moodscope member.

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