Moodscope's blog

21

February


Just some thoughts... Friday February 21, 2014

Suzy, Mary and Les' recent blogs have given me a few things to think about in the last few days.

Briefly the issues which came up and I chose to dwell on were:

1.What motivates me when depressed.
2. Who is the real me? and
3. Contradiction in ourselves.

For me the onset of depression was out of my control; it came upon me gradually without noticing, many years ago. I didn't find myself suddenly depressed one day but I guess in a way I have always had low moods. They say that this can happen at or around the age of 7 and before that if treated wisely by family etc, one can change. I don't know but perhaps I have the sort of personality that falls easily into depression if a trigger occurs.

So what motivates me is trying to gain some control on its progression and how it makes me feel and operate on a daily basis... I need this control over something, which could so easily get out of hand and totally take over.

Who the real me is is much more difficult to answer. Once upon a time (!) there must have been a "real me" but I dare say over the years I have adapted my personality to meet other people's expectations of me in different situations, work, family and socially. Lack of self-confidence played a major part in this.

So now I am wondering, looking back over my past.

I guess I have to conclude that the real me is how I am today, the sum total of my life to date. But it's difficult to accept me as someone I don't like much of the time.

And lastly my contradictions, so eloquently expressed by Suzy. Some days, (and I have written extensively about this, you all know by now!) I feel great and am a very different person to, for instance, the one I perceive today. I am totally unrecognisable to someone who had met me on a good day. I share all the contradictions Suzy wrote about. For instance, I don't want to miss out on anything in life and yet shy away from events, which will mean I will have to perform, be sociable and interesting.

I am writing this on a badish day. The words aren't flowing as I would like them to.

There's always tomorrow!

Julia
A Moodscope user.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment on our Blogspot:

http://moodscope.blogspot.com/2014/02/just-some-thoughts.html


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Comments

Anonymous Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 8:36am

Thank you Julia, your post is calm and insightful. I'm sorry it's a badish day for you, it may help you to know that I find your post helpful and wise.

Melanie Lowndes Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 8:52am

My heart goes out to you Julia - and I feel the real you is all of these different aspects and how you write today is honest and open and brave and touches my heart. All good to you. Melanie x :-)

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 9:03am

So kind of you Melanie. You make me feel better.To be honest I wish I hadn't written it. It sounds so dull and depressing! I do hope it doesn't depress anyone even more than perhaps they already feel.

Kirstie Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 9:14am

Dear Julia
thank you for your post - I find it inspiring that you were able to write, despite having a low day and your openness is very humbling.
Kirstie

Anonymous Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 9:39am

Don't worry. Everybody experiences depression a little differently either in terms of pattern or symptoms. It's really great that you have good days. Enjoy them. It probably does affect how someone's personality develops but so do many other things.

Anonymous Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 9:48am

It doesn't read dull and depressing Julia; calm and insightful. It's helpful and wise. Hope you are having a better day today. x

Simon Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 10:38am

Dear Julia
I was chatting about the concept of the 'real me' with my counsellor yesterday- and I was impressed by your take on the question! I agree with your analysis of the real me as an impossible goal in terms of seeking a past identity- we can only function in the real world and in real time. The real me is the identity I am living today. The real problem is that in many circumstances the real me- ie the internal process of self-evaluation, is at odds with the me i need to portray to others, and the me that others are expecting. This is the tension, the dialectic, which for me has been at the root of so much anxiety. I am not sure if we can ever manage the 'real me' , but only learn to accept the potential for tension that may exist between the real me and the othered me.

thank you and have a great day
Simon

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 12:35pm

Gosh this is very interesting. How well you explain this. I am glad you feel the same or rather are wrestling with this dilemma too. I suppose it's all about living in the real world. We have to adapt, sometimes conform (sadly to earn a living), socialise in alien environments etc etc. But this tension is also the root of my anxiety too I am now beginning to think. Thank you for writing Simon.You have given me much to think about and a much needed boost about my blog today.




Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 12:38pm

Thank you! To all 3 Anons today and to Kirstie below. x

Rachel Evans-White Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 4:07pm

Hi Julia
I don't normally comment on these (my own insecurities rather than the posts) but i was moved by your post. i could have written the same. I am having a badish day today, not too bad but not the best either and i know how easily I can slide. All the best to you and here's to more of the better days xx

Suzy Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 4:25pm

You're bloomin' lovely Julia. Just lovely x

Les Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 4:36pm

Hi Julia

Lots of interesting stuff as usual on Moodscope and today, related to your blog of vulnerability.

I continually use a phrase - 'show weakness to gain strength'.....which for me, you exemplified today.

When we are authentic and show our weaknesses - especially 'leaders' (not managers/bosses) it enables others to feel safe to do likewise......which for me can only be a good thing.....enabling us to be more 'real'.

To show ourselves we need to feel safe and when someone is prepared to show vulnerability - we feel safer.

If anyone takes advantage of that vulnerability.....we should simply move away from that 'weakness' usually driven by their own insecurity but in this instance more selfish preservation.

Check out http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

When I am down........I don't get out of one room (except the toilet) never mind write and reply to a blog on Moodscope as you did.

Each of us has our own 'real' world......and such diversity is what makes any communications so 'rich' as long as we listen with compassion.

We need the 'courage to be imperfect' as Brene states............you today exemplified that courage - and embraced your vulnerability.....as what makes us vulnerable is also what makes us beautiful.

Keep providing opportunities for people to feel 'safe' and thus be real.

To be vulnerable is to know we are alive.

Anonymous Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 5:06pm

I always enjoy reading your blogs Julia. They're thought provoking and always very honest. Keep up the good work.

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 5:10pm

Thank you Rachel for writing when you don't feel wonderful. Yes here's to more better days! They will come.

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 5:12pm

!!! Xx

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 8:13pm

Thank you for your very kind words Les. I took a risk writing a blog when I felt low and I think on balance I am glad I did from what you and others have said about it (although I am not happy with what I have written even now!). I don't mind showing my vulnerability as this is a another but real side of me and if it helps other people to know this then I am glad. You should know by now I value your writing and really like your literary quotes and content of your blogs. You are not afraid either to allow us into your life as it has been in years past and how it is now. I think those of us who have read all your blogs, have learnt and continue to learn about the things that helped you to feel better and they in turn help us so much. Anyway thanks for everything you said today.

Julia Fri, Feb 21st 2014 @ 8:15pm

Thank you to you too. That's very nice of you to say this.

Anonymous Sat, Feb 22nd 2014 @ 8:29am

Hello Julia - just some words which help me - apologies in advance if they're obvious but sometimes we need reminding ...

* However you feel, you have intrinsic worth equal to every other human being - it's your birthright ... nothing you can do about it.

* You don't have to believe the 'depressive' side telling you otherwise ...it's part of you but it's not *all* you ....

.... which is where those self-contradictions come in handy - you can accept the 'poison parrot' of depression squawkin' on yer shoulder and it might tell *some* truth but it exaggerates and it's nasty - and there are other ways of looking at things ...ie you don't have to believe what it says...

... hope this helps you out of your 'baddish day'

Moodie x

Hope this helps

Anonymous Sat, Feb 22nd 2014 @ 8:33am

PS know what you mean re feeling you don't want to "perform, be sociable and interesting" - yuk to that.

Julia Sat, Feb 22nd 2014 @ 8:52am

Thank you Moodie. Yes what you write does help. You are right (now you mention it.!) that the depressive side isn't "all" me. Yes, that's good! It helps so much to have these wise positives reinforced in my mind. They so easily slip my mind when I'm feeling low. On a funny note, yesterday I put a photo of a parrot I had seen abroad onto my Viber page (instead of one of me). Poor parrot. I may have to remove him.

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