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13

September


It's the small stuff that makes the big stuff. Tuesday September 13, 2016

This time it's been harder. I have felt as though I am being seared over hot coals, and in front of an arena of baying natives. And yet, there is an upside.

For those of us who suffer the hideosity of the insult of living alongside depression... we have an upside. When we are exposed, violated, on display, hurt, sore and thrashed, the smallest thing can mean the world. For the man with the Midas touch, the beauty of a simple gold ring was not enough. But for us... it is enough. And that must be celebrated.

My dad knows. I blurted it out to him about 18 months ago. He is a silent gem. Either too embarrassed, or not wishing to embarrass, he doesn't discuss it. That is strength, comfort and a fierce security for me. Because I know he is not ignoring it. He jumps to attention the second I ask for help. He hugs properly. And he never tells.

And when he turned up today, dressed smartly, carrying a coolbox filled with tonight's dinner for me and mine, I could have run naked through the streets in celebration.

We do not always need someone to fix us. That is our job. Sometimes, we simply need the bigness of the small stuff.

Much love

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Lou Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:19am

Oh RATG! What a lovely blog. I totally agree; the little stuff is what really matters.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:38am

Hello Lou, good to see you :-) love ratg x.

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:40am

I'm not offended at all, I take all terms as endearment and thank you! Love ratg x

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

Barbara Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:28am

I agree with Lou, terrific blog, thank you Ratty (sorry, but that's how I've always referred to u in my mind, no offence.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:43am

I love this particular gremlin, the 'I'm going to say it again and again' gremlin!! Makes me laugh so much and I think we need a little box on the home page to mark who holds (and with how many) the 'most single repeated comment' title!! I think it could be you Barbara :-) love ratg x.

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 7:00am

RATG, good blog, a nice insight for a knowlessman.

Thank you for this, it meant a lot.

Cheers, Duma.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:45am

And thank you for commenting Duma. Where is 'Duma' from? Love ratg x.

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 11:38am

It is from many languages - in Dutch it means drum, in Russian it is the name of the parliament and in Romani (the secret language of the Roma peoples) it means speech. I chose it because it is a Googlflood. Meaning that, if you search for it, you're in for a very long sift through millions of search results. I was dark net, a lifetime ago and needed a nom de plume. Now it is my street name, amongst the Roma.

Mary Wednesday Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 2:00pm

Thanks for explaining that, Duma. For ages I thought you were female because of the A on the end of your name. It was quite a challenge to morph you into a bloke in my mind (we all have a picture of the way we think each other looks, don't we!)

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 4:15pm

Thanks Mary, I'm taking your misassumption as a HUGE compliment. :)

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 4:18pm

Thanks Mary, I'm taking your misassumption as a HUGE compliment. :)

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 4:19pm

d'oh!

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 4:34pm

I could paint you a picture. Y'know how your arm span is supposed to be equal to your height? i'm two inches too short (too much resistance training has compressed my discs). I'm a squat 5'10", seventeen stone Obvious Neanderthal Unit, not fat, just love handles. Heavy brow ridges, long pony tail and standard rocker attire. Oh, and I have been told that I have 'dead eyes', although - I prefer my lovely ex Meg's description of me, as having 'Built in sunglasses'. I'm very pale and have a lot of freckles. Apparently, according to my old drinking companion Aonghus - I have very 'Alpha Cat' body language and that I 'stick out like a sore thumb'. Does that help? De-feminising me, I mean?

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 4:47pm

One last thing Mary - I don't have an adam's apple, my voice never broke and apparently (and I quote) " You have too high pitched a voice for a man, and it leaves a faint buzzing in your ears." Yup, I'm a mutant, lol.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:42pm

Fascinated Duma by the explanation and the description, never in a million had you down as pale and freckly so there we go!

Duma Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:13pm

I'm hoping that one day, they will join up and form a tan. Happy to fascinate, RATG. cheers, Duma.

LillyPet Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 7:41am

Hi ratg x
Sorry to hear you had a tough one recently.
Your dad sounds wonderful. Just what you need. Quiet strong lovely and there for you in abundance. I have a lovely quiet dad to who just wants to know that I'm ok.
When I had had my children and visitors came in those first weeks, it would have been wonderful if the had brought something like that coolbox! Your dad was spot on.
Also, for me, it has been small stuff, things that certain people have said, that really get to me. Bigger things I often deal with much better. I'm not sure why.
Thanks for a heartwarming blog ratg. Loving wishes to you and all. LP xx

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:50am

Hello LP, good to see you :-) I agree, I can agonise over the small stuff, comments small enough to sit inside the head and repeat. But the bigger stuff I can box and throw out. In my next life I think I will run a charity that delivers cooked food to needy, new parents. Naturally there will be limitless funds to help! Hats off to your dad, love ratg x.

Nix Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:08am

My dad is the same! Pays lots of attention but in his own way... visiting me in bed or in hospital, telling me about his day how his business is going, never mentioning that I am not quite well in the head and heart. So reassuring - being himself just more of himself. Everything counts when you feeling depressed.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:52am

'being himself just more of himself'...wow, yes, exactly that. If ever there was a way to describe how to help a depressed person, it is this. Thank you Nix and thank you to your dad! love ratg x.

Nix Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:08am

My dad is the same! Pays lots of attention but in his own way... visiting me in bed or in hospital, telling me about his day how his business is going, never mentioning that I am not quite well in the head and heart. So reassuring - being himself just more of himself. Everything counts when you feeling depressed.

Sally Ann Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:27am

A hug goes a long way.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:54am

“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth" Virginia Satir. I told my kids this is why I have to hug them so much :-) love ratg x.

Mary Wednesday Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 2:26pm

And..... I have just written tomorrow's blog! It definitely talks about hugs, although it is not on the subject of them. I will have to write that. I spent the summer teaching Richard (from last week - the fairy tale boy?)how to hug. He's become rather good at it now, bless him.

Orangeblossom Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:39am

Hi RATG thanks for the pointers of ways to support those going through a tough time which is really helpful. My Cruse Bereavement Supervisor always said 'stay with the client & listen. " I learnt early on that I could not fix things for anyone, just help them to gain strength, hope & resilience. We all need this for our toolbox.

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:56am

Goodness yes "just help them to gain strength, hope & resilience", precisely this. Rewarding but hard work, are you enjoying it? love ratg x.

Andrew Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:01am

Empathy - it's sympathy with feeling - and that's what your Dad has! Top man! Here's to all those who understand the difference between being sympathetic to one's plight and having the empathy to do the small stuff that mean big things to us!

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 9:58am

I think you've just hit the nail on the head as to why my relationship fell. Thank you for that lightbulb moment. Love ratg x.

Andrew Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 2:38pm

You are welcome - hugs all round.....

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 11:33am

Lovely, RATG, just lovely....first just knowing you are not as low as you were is great but what you share here on the blog is insight and I hope it helps many out there.
I love reading your blogs as there is always something to learn or to remember.

I miss my Dad, even though he has been gone for over twenty years....two of the loveliest and helpful things he said to me were: on the day I got married to Mr. Bear 'you are good together, you'll be fine.' And after Baby Bear was born and I was poorly (depression wasn't gnawing at me years ago) Mum and Dad came to stay to help. When I was better and home, they were leaving and at the door, he hugged me and simply said ' you'll be fine, you'll be fine.' Simple words that each time had their own meanings...and me and Mr. Bear are fine...baby Bear is all growed up...just wish he was here to see us coping and managing..and me muddling through some days!
RATG...perfect blog, thankees.
When you are so low, any hand of friendship feels like a million gifts.
So many Bear hugs to offer all who need one today xxxx

Mary Wednesday Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 2:33pm

Oh Bear - thank you for the hugs! Much needed at present!

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:45pm

Oh Bear, with those simple words he gave you, do you feel he is still there when you have a moment? Twenty years is a long time. I'm sorry he cannot see you all now...but I like to think he can. Lovely to see you beautiful xxx

Bearofliddlebrain Wed, Sep 14th 2016 @ 11:36am

Yes...I think of him and Mum, now she's gone, and as I go through troubles and happy moments, I imagine what they would say. I suppose I would always want(ed) to know I made them proud - selfish of me perhaps!

Mary Wednesday Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 2:36pm

Rattie - indeed it's the little things. I am treasuring all mine just at present, when life seems a bit of a slog through the desert... Lovely blog - thank you. The hidiosity of the insult indeed!

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:46pm

Hello Marydoll :-) I'm looking forward to tomorrow's blog and catching up with Maryland, love ratg x.

The Gardener Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 6:50pm

Oh Bear, I envy you your lovely memories of your parents. I am doing extremely positive things at the moment - Mr G in a week respite. Big meeting all 'profesional' carers Thursday - having monitored him - and my situation also monitored, to see if there is ANYTHING which can be done to improve daily life. The blog today, the 'little surprises' when you are down. Because I seem such an organiser nobody thinks a silly little 'surprise' would be welcome, because I am, and always have been, entertaining hordes, and loving it. My mother did not like entertaining, making a fuss of anything. pretty tables - she never had an interest in her life, and, as far as I can remember, the only thing she ever did for others was address envelopes for the Conservatives at election time. I can almost feel that cloak of disapproval for all other women 'it's alright for HER' no elucidation. My father, already bi-polar, was driven bats by her, straight into the arms of absolute harpies. Did not mean to write this - bear's happy memories brought up a childhood of rowing (only child). I am surrounded with friendship, hugs and kisses. My father grew up without love - my mother in the hurly-burly of 8 sisters with a father who had dementia very young and a mother who did the impossible. Looking through photos, our kids DID have a very full childhood - now our old age looks about as grim as anyone can imagine. Nobody has hidden the 'toughness' of what is to be faced - each week of respite my natural 'bounce' has returned - this time, I resonate with RATG - these awful lows - we have had a fantastic few weeks - sun, lively town - I ate out on restaurant terrace - unusual in September - I am fighting off winter, this great black cloud of depression approaching - facing a life without flowers - harrowing memory of leaving Mr G at the hospital last week, calling for me - HO has been so good at explaining facing the 'crunch'. Heigh-ho, will attack something - not the bottle or the sedatives - illusionary relief, problems still there.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:23pm

Oh my dear TG...I've plenty enough hugs still left so here's one winging its way across the sea to you for the evening! Don't attack the vino collapso or the sedatives....that way madness really lies! You're probably 'missing' the 'doing', pestering and the heartache that Mr. TG causes on a daily basis, but try to make the most of his respite care...it's respite for you too and you desperately need it. Go out into your beautiful garden and village and try to appreciate the flowers and foliage now before it all fades...but remember, it's all starting again anew next January with snowdrops, aconites, then daffy down dilly flowers, crocus, tulips and all the new buds of Spring! Biggest hugs - Bear xxx

the room above the garage Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 8:49pm

'a life without flowers'...may we take it in turns to be your flowers? I bagsie the daisy! Consider yourself hugged from me too TG. I know I give long ones because I take one when I'm there!!! Love to you xxx

LP Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 11:08pm

I bagsie the lilly! :)) Wishing you a good week and hugs from me 3 TG LPxx

Bearofliddlebrain Wed, Sep 14th 2016 @ 11:58am

Yes...definitely a Lily, Lillypet!!! Being Welsh, I should be a daffy down dilly, but I've just asked a friend and she couldn't decide...her husband shouted out 'sunflower'! So that's it - to them I am a sunflower! Bear with sunflowers in her hair! Xxxx

LP Tue, Sep 13th 2016 @ 11:18pm

Ps I loved "...had to suffer the hideosity of the insult of living alongside...." Xx

Nicco Mon, Oct 3rd 2016 @ 5:48pm

Thanks for a lovely blog - I, too, am 'suffering the hideosity of the insult of living alongside depression' (there, I've said it!) but I very much value being alongside my fellow travelers on the journey, whom I would never have met if I'd not had to travel this road, so I am grateful too.

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