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October


It is well with my soul. Tuesday October 28, 2014

I stumble. I stumble really well. As a trained classical ballet dancer/teacher I tell friends I can dance - I just cannot walk well. I continue to stumble.

Estrangements within families are particularly troubling and seem to carry the message that we are somehow lacking in our own spirits. When this involves our children, we can be devastated.

For me, it is as though I have failed my higher spirit, my self, and my desires to be the good mother. I am not good enough for dog food. I am trash. I am helpless in my obsessions, the thoughts that go around and around in a spiral, always downward.

Death no longer feels like a cold stranger. Depression inexorably slides into place like an unexpected eclipse.

When this happens I try to find deep inside - a "Grandmother Place" of love, warmth, and enduring hope for myself and all others. Not having had a grandmother, my concept is easy to imagine filled with sparkling good-faerie love and peace.

I meditate and pray for the hard feelings to be removed. Realizing my love for myself must come first, in my own mind I am able to transfer that love to my children and others, no matter the estrangement.

In truth, as long as they are healthy and well, my being a part of their lives is secondary. It is okay. They are growing and finding their way. Perhaps it is well that I step aside for awhile.

Once I truly incorporate this acceptance into my being, the estrangement is over, somehow. The depression lightens and there is hope that we can return ever so gently to our loving nest.

We have no control over other people and, I believe, limited control over ourselves. It is well with my soul.

Di
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Anonymous Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 6:26am

Good morning darling Di xx.
You sound so sore and I wish i could help, wish I could put salve to the grazes and bring big mugs of tea to wherever you are and sit with you. How long has the estrangement been? I ask because often good comes through...it can change. I understand a little bit of that pain but it doesn't involve my children and so it's not the same as that searing ache. You are NOT trash and I'm glad you stumble. It means I can stumble with you...it's been nearly 30 years since my last plié and so if you danced I'd likely bring the walls down with my attempt to keep up with you. Love you as you are x. Much love from the room above the garage.

crafty wee midden Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 6:45am

Di,
I love the title....it is well with my soul. That's going in my wee Filofax of good quotes and phrases. Estrangement is a very painful thing.....it was the other way round for me. I was the estranged, my Mum the estrangee. Im so sorry you are in that situation....all I can say is that in my circumstances ( which were extreme) it was a necessity, to keep what was left f my sanity. As I say....my circumstances were extreme: I hope things work out for you both. Two years after I cut myself off, my Mum was killed in a house fire. November 19th....3years next month. If you'd like to ask me anything, or talk more, let me know....Will give my email...I'd love to help, if possible.
Thinking of you....Alex

crafty wee midden Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 6:46am

Ach....can't edit: it should read that I was the one who cut myself off from my mother.

Hopeful One Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:05am

My heart is with you. My love of 40 years is now in a nursing home due to her Alzeihmers. I continue to love but it is like trying to clap with one hand. But it can have its funny side which makes it bearable. I always ask her if I can have a kiss and a hug. The other day she said she was 'very busy' so I could have half a hug and half a kiss to day and have the rest tomorrow. As my brother in law remarked when he heard this ' it is better to have your kiss and hug in instalments than none at all.' Compassion for one self helps but humour helps too. You could strengthen your compassion by doing a ' loving kindness' meditation details of this are in ' Mindfulness in plain English ' written by Bhante Hanipola Gunaratana in the chapter headed 'the power of loving friendliness'. It has a Buddhist background but remind yourself you don' t have to be a Buddhist to practice this meditation.

Hopeful One Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:21am

If you have it in your heart let bygones be bygones . Try and not to look back if you want the healing to take place. I tried to think of a Burns quote but none came to mind so you will have to do with an English one ' don't look back or you will fall down the strairs,' I wonder if it will find its way to your Filofax ?

crafty wee midden Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:35am

Hopeful one, thank you....I do have a bit if Buddhist in me: I have my Jewish grandmothers brass Buddha, and have always been interested in the Buddhist philosophy. And my favourite singer, Leonard Cohen, is also an ordained Buddhist monk.....Im assuming you are writing to me.....apologies to Di if it feels like Im bulldozing over her pain.....that's not my intention at all.i loved the half kiss and hug....my husband of 34 years was in a nursing home for the last two years of his life, till May this year, when anther major stroke gathered him in. He was my soulmate and I know I keep popping up here, and saying the same thing, basically, but it helps....no family, just me and the cats, and some days are very.....challenging. Thank you for your kindness....Im off to have a look on Amazon for that book.

crafty wee midden Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:35am

Yes, to the Filofax :)

Jacqueline Labib Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:47am

Di, have you heard of a book called Embraced by the Light by Betty Sadie? I believe it may bring you some comfort and hope. It completely changed my life and many other's. The Awakening Heart is a follow on which describes how the author experienced deep depression and the truths that pulled her out of it. I believe it will lift your soul to read. X

Claire Catterall Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 1:36pm

Beautiful post today, thank you Di for sharing. 'Realizing my love for myself must come first' it is only in the last year I have begun to learn to do this and I hadn't realised until I read this that that is what I am doing. The return is good so far I'm beginning to know my limits. It is well with my soul. Thank you Di. X

Anonymous Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 2:47pm

Even though we are all hard on ourselves, nobody is trash ......we all have value and we all have a purpose..so often we cannot identify what it is, but it is out there and we must keep on searching...God Bless All...DaveB

heather Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 2:51pm

Thanks for the book tip. I will look it up. Love to all from Heather xx

Anonymous Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 2:55pm

I am coming to realise that Love is dam painful and if it doesn't involve some degree of discomfort, I wonder whether it is the genuine thing. Children have rearranged all of my concepts towards myself, my own mother and the whole human race. To truly live and love, I need to like myself and all my faults, then let go of the rest and it is agony.

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 7:53pm

Come, and we shall dance our healings on the shore of my lake cottage refuge. It is a sacred space and welcoming. We will have tea, big mugs of it.

The estrangement has abated for now although there does seem to be a pattern ~ and I recognize that I must play a part in it. I am working hard to be authentic and to simply love.
Di loves RATGxx

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 8:00pm

Dearest Alex ~
I am profoundly sorry for the loss of your mother and the circumstances surrounding her death. My brother, Tim Murphey, is a writer living in Japan. He says that sometimes “… much of my body-mind is still screaming and twisting with agony at so many remembered moments missed. People die and make life and living it more sacred for those who stay…”

Perhaps her leaving was her final gift to you. I am honored to be able to ask you anything. Thank you.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 8:26pm

Many thanks, Hopeful One ~
I will indeed check out this book by Gunaratana and the compassion meditation. I am sorry your love of 40 years is now in a nursing home. You must miss her deeply. I really like the half-hug/kiss in installments!
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 8:29pm

Dear Crafty Wee Midden ~
Leonard Cohen is MY favourite singer/songwriter! It does not feel as though you are bulldozing over my pain. Please. Keep popping up here. You are wanted.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 8:33pm

Dear Jacqueline ~
I look forward to reading Sadie's work along with The Awakening Heart. It is kind of you to write of these books ~ and very comforting. My soul is already lifting.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 9:13pm

Wow, Claire!
How lovely to hear of your progress and that you are beginning to know your limits. Best wishes for 2015.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 9:14pm

Dearest DaveB ~
Thank you for reminding me that nobody is trash and to keep faith in the search. You sound very centered. God bless you.
Lovingly,
Di

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 28th 2014 @ 9:17pm

Dearest Anonymous ~
It does sound painful. It is painful. Life is messy and I really like your commitment to like yourself AND all your imperfections or faults. I pray that one day it will not be agonizing for you. Thank you for responding.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Anonymous Wed, Oct 29th 2014 @ 6:27am

He sounds a very interesting person, Di. I love those words of his. It will find its way into MY filofax ! I also love your wise and very spiritual words, Di. They really resonate with me. Relationships with family can be so tortuous and tortured and painful. They can cut deep, I believe and gape and fester.
When my very abusive father died in 2012, I felt exactly that: it was his final gift to me/ us.

Hopeful One Wed, Oct 29th 2014 @ 6:33am

Than you for your thoughts. Your kindness winged its way to me in the ether.

Anonymous Wed, Oct 29th 2014 @ 6:41am

Dear Crafty Wee Midden and Di Murphey. Leonard is a favourite with me too. I am finding all this very energising and helpful. I am emerging from several months of flat and low mood and the resurgence is tremendously invigorating that I want to embrace everything and everyone with gratitude because I feel alive and healthy and happy again after the months of pain. So reading all the above, and Di's beautiful, beautiful piece has added to my joy. Even if I am reading/writing this 24 hours later ( couldn't access yesterday). Bless you both, and all dear fellow Moodscopers who write on here and form an integral part of my life now. S.

Di Murphey Wed, Oct 29th 2014 @ 7:39pm

Dearest Anonymous ~
Thank you for your heartfelt response to Alex' words, and to mine. I am profoundly sorry for the loss of your father. Perhaps his final gift is still teaching you things of which you had never dreamed. Dream on... and live.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

Di Murphey Wed, Oct 29th 2014 @ 7:54pm

Dearest S.
Congratulations on feeling alive and healthy and happy again! Yes, our fellow Moodscopers are full of life, light, and loving thoughts. You nailed it. May you continue to be blessed. Thank you for posting.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

crafty wee midden Thu, Oct 30th 2014 @ 6:04am

Di,
If you'd like to email......I am( replace words with the usual bits)
Blair09 at btinternet dot com
Am in a gradually rising state of panic ....6 am: I have to go out today....five minutes walk away, to take care if a business thing.....but even a shrt distance is a very difficult thing with agoraphobia

crafty wee midden Thu, Oct 30th 2014 @ 6:26am

Di
My husband loved dance....he was a drama lecturer. Meant to say that before. He was such a fit, strong fellow, before the decline of his health; we saw A Chorus Line in London.....lved it....Alexxxx

crafty wee midden Thu, Oct 30th 2014 @ 6:27am

Di,
You said.........
Perhaps her leaving was her final gift to you. ......
Thank you so much for that: it makes me feel......better.
Alexxxxx

crafty wee midden Thu, Oct 30th 2014 @ 6:29am

I love the irony if being asked to prove( the number type in) that I m not a robot when my image is exactly that....makes me smile....
Alex aka Bender

Di Murphey Thu, Oct 30th 2014 @ 8:19pm

Dearest Alex ~
Oh, how I pray your five minute walk built you up and gave you a refeshed new slate. Be kind to yourself. You will succeed and life will calm for you. Your kind words are a balm to my own sore heart. Thank you.
Lovingly,
Di

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