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21

October


It felt like my life had ended. Tuesday October 21, 2014

Five years ago my life ended… Or at least that was how it felt. I had held down high powered and pressured jobs, travelled all over the UK and a lot of the world, raised two kids, looked after my ageing parents and coped with my hubby being away all week and drunk when he was home. I had handled my mother in laws death and dealt with her will, dealt with my daughter trying to kill herself and been through two redundancies in the space of two years.

Then it all fell apart (strange that!)

For a long time I grieved the loss of my previous life and status, I felt useless, that there was no place for me, but, gradually I have grown.

I went back to college and studied art, something I had always wanted to do as I felt that I had to be "doing" something. It has been a hard 4 years and at times my family and support workers have thrown up their hands and said "just why are you doing this??"

I have started to see the world in a different way. I have become nicer to people, the spell I had in a mental hospital taught me to be more understanding of people. I have time to watch the caterpillars grow on the stinging nettles and rejoice when I see the peacock butterflies around the village knowing I saw them as babies. I can watch the dragonflies in the meadow and find them more interesting than watching the plane flying over head and wishing I was on it.

I still have spells when I hate the world, everyone in it, especially me and despair of where I am going and how I will cope in the future but I am learning that I cannot know where the future will take me and that the best I can hope for is to have today, even if maybe I do have to take each hour at a time as thinking of anything more is exhausting.

I have one more year of college left to finish what has become a BA degree, my life has changed beyond recognition but in many ways I feel that after all these years that maybe I finally do "have a life". Something I could not have seen five years ago.

Penny
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

G Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 6:20am

This post resonates with me on many levels. Thank you Penny. Cheers to the lives that we are having now.

Hopeful One Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 7:08am

Penny well done you!To stay on an even keel genuinely take time to praise yourself for what you have achieved because,believe me ,you have gone through far more than most people's quota of losses. Try not to get trapped in the web of the past or become its prisoner and I am sure you will stay in the sunny uplands.And what you have learned will stand you in good stead for any future knocks which in the nature of these things is more or less a given.

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 7:26am

Well done, Penny! You are amazing. What does disturb me though is the thought of your husband drunk at weekends ( having grown up myself with an alcoholic father) Hopefully, that has now been dealt with too.
Best of luck to you. You deserve it!

Rupert Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 8:11am

I love this post Penny although I really feel for what you have been through. I think we all need to take a step back and actually "see" what is around us. I sometimes find myself in the gents at work staring at the water draining down the plug as a means of trying to take time out and appreciate the real world rather than the mad plastic one that we are forced to endure. I am sure you are a much better person for it Penny and I wish you all the best.

Alexia Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 8:31am

Dear Penny, you are such a strong and resilient person! I really admire your decision to study art and to take the time to appreciate beauty in the world. I would love to see you art work one day. Lots of love xx

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 9:05am

Dear Penny,
I am so sorry to hear of all that you have been through. And come through. I hope life returns the favour and gives you a break already. You deserve it.
Katie

Amanda Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 10:17am

Oh my. It's so encouraging to know I am not alone in my struggles, thank you Penny. I too take things pretty much hour by hour, sometimes I even manage to plan a whole day and get through it!

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 10:43am

Hi Rupert, I have started taking a five or ten minute break using an app on mi iPhone called Calm. The first two sessions are free and you can use them anytime and as much as you want.....lovely sounds in the background of rain, the sea, a lake, birds etc and you just have a little piece of calmin your day....better than watching the water going down the plug hole! K x

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 10:45am

Dear Penny, words fail me...you are ve ve brave...keep going! K x

Lawrence Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 10:47am

Thank you for your post Penny! I can totally relate to that feeling of overwhelming loss when I consider where I once stood and where I am now. It's a battle getting through each day but we must keep fighting. You have learned to use the new perspectives that your trials have given you, to regard the world and other people in a different (I think better) way. Thats brilliant. Sometimes we only grow through hard experiences. I too am trying to focus on new purpose as a counter-balance to the sorrow and horror that would take me if I let it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and when you want to open that door on your past and stare into the ruins, tell your mind NO! Life is the other direction.

Rupert Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 11:04am

Thanks K what a great idea - I shall give it a try! R

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 1:55pm

My pleasure Rupert...hope you're not still having wakeful nights and worrying work time limits :) K

Suzy Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 3:20pm

Such an inspiring post Penny! Thank you.

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 6:40pm

Well done Penny. I too know that feeling of lo0ss and wondering if life will ever be the same. But it isn't it's new and you seem to have accepted the changes. That is the hard part.

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 6:42pm

It's hard to focus on new purpose. I wish you good luck

Anonymous Tue, Oct 21st 2014 @ 9:07pm

Wow, Penny! Having come through that lot you have also been able to move on very fast. Your recovery is fast probably because you went and did that degree. But take it easy - not too much striving. I also use the Calm app.
Lesley

Anonymous Wed, Oct 22nd 2014 @ 11:17pm

Brilliant evidence of throwing a penny into a well for it to become a fortune. Apologies for the pun, not intended. Inspiring x. Love ratg x.

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