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17

December


Is that you? Saturday December 17, 2016

Is that you I can see there sitting in the sunshine on the beach Hotel terrace with your friends, laughing and sipping your drink without a care in the world?

Is that you dressed in your cream summer jacket that I used to love you wearing.

Is that you?

Am I seeing someone who just happens to look like you? Same build, style of clothes, same smile and tilt of head when listening to the conversations around you.

Is that you?

I must admit I hadn't expected to see you again; it was rather a shock to say the least.
There is a hot, almost scarlet painful feeling that slinks up from my toes to the top of my head.

My heart is pounding and I feel suffocated for a moment.

You had said goodbye to me a while back, said you were moving on, it was time to go but obviously you must have changed your mind!

Is that you?

It has been so hard for me since you left, I have spent so many hours missing you and reliving all the memories of the years we had together.

It's never easy when it all comes to an end but you had made up your mind, chosen a sunny day in the spring and suddenly there was no longer any 'us' it was just me on my own, heartbroken, and you, well you look happy and seem to have found a new group of friends and are carrying on with it all.

Is that you?

Leaning across the table towards to that lady dressed so beautifully, she throws back her head and her laughter tinkles past me in the breeze, a perfumed delicate laugh that shows me you have truly moved on. I am glad you are happy.

I know I am staring and I know you haven't seen me.

I want to run over to you and throw my arms around you as I have missed you so much, but I know that would be so embarrassing for us all.

I have an idea, and without you even noticing I manage to take a photo of you sat there amongst the holidaymakers, now you are standing up and lifting your silk cap from the table as if about to leave.

As you stand time stops.

You are looking across the crowded terrace at me, our blue eyes are locked and the sun is so hot. The clouds have stopped floating, not a whisper from the crowd, the waves have frozen, the birds have stopped flying and everything is perfectly still.

Is that you walking away dad? You who left me in the spring when the daffodils were bright and summer was patiently waiting around the corner. Before you slipped away quietly in your sleep you had whispered goodbye and said that you had to go.

Is that you?

There is no photo no matter how hard I search, it's not there.

Is that you?

Please let it be you.

Jayne
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Jon Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 7:32am

That is very beautiful and a shock as I read to the end - as a Dad with a beautiful daughter I can tell you how much that means - I am crying as I write this - I hope your love for him holds steady in your heart throughout your own life. With love from another Dad.

LP Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 8:04am

My dad is a lovely man Jon and as his daughter I know how you'd want to know that she will be ok keeping the love in her heart close to her. A big hug to you. LPxx

the room above the garage Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:31am

Wonderful words Jon.

LP Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 7:55am

Hi Jayne,
Your writing from the heart has really connected with me. The pain of a partner ending a relationship is harsh enough. Knowing that they are with someone else, having to face it, I felt your pain. Did this really happen or is it a creative depiction of loss? I wondered whether he acknowleged you in any way. No outcome would have eased your pain. All I hope for you is that it is further in the past than when you wrote it and that the rawness has faded.
It does feel like grief and you wove them together so elegantly. I can't imagine the pain of grief must be and have no words, only heartfelt compassion.

I'd love to read part two, an equally beautiful piece to yourself "Is that you, laughing with your friends in the sunshine..." when it comes and it will.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt and beatiful writing Jayne, it will connect with many. It's reassuring and supportive to know that we are not alone at such times. Much love to you and all. LPxx

the room above the garage Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:29am

Beautiful reply x.

LP Sun, Dec 18th 2016 @ 12:12am

Xxx Headspace is going well btw. Thank you. XxX

Pete Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 8:12am

Hi Jayne,

I only sometimes read the blogs. I was so moved by your piece, so much said in a short space. Beautiful. I felt really in that space. I've been in a similar space. But it was also as a dad too and my own dear dad's passing too soon.

I delivered one of my paintings last night to my dear brother, it's a present his wife kindly bought from me for Christmas. The subject matter was about our father. As a father I am aware of two gorgeous children I have and how time is precious with them. Thank you so much for your words that have made a difference to me. Wishing you warmth and love. Pete

Mary Wednesday Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:01am

Beautiful.

Orangeblossom Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:02am

Hi Jayne, as LP says it is a strong and gripping account of grief and heaviness of loss. It was very evocative of your loss and the end took me by surprise. I am sure that your Dad will live in your memory forever. Mine has.

Another Sally Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:18am

A moving post. Made me cry. Have been missing my parents recently. Beautifully written. Thank you.
Another Sally

Pablo Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:25am

Made me cry too.

the room above the garage Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 9:28am

Hello Jayne, that is a stunning piece of writing. I feel the hurt in every word. Broken. The sorrow of his loss is, for me, almost balanced by the beauty of your words. I wish you more chances to see your dad in whatever form he arrives. My mum had a vivid dream about her dad not long after he passed, a phone call in the middle of the night that she felt she had actually spoken with him...maybe she had. Perhaps it's real, even if only for a moment. The love does not die. Much love to you from me, love ratg x.

The Gardener Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 11:00am

Evocative the only word, Jayne. Friends here we should have been having drinks with had to rush back to UK on the sudden death of the husband's mother. E-mail this a.,m - the most appalling chaos, 2 years un-opened post - investments she had not told her husband about - a daughter who will take no responsibility at all, and nearly a month to wait for the funeral. When it's all over I hope, like Jayne, they can find some happy memories. Co-incidence - grand-daughter here 2 weeks ago 'Granny, where is the oldest photograph album?' She is a very clever, sophisticated 26 year old - and she and I went back. My father, very good looking at 18, in the park with his dog. 40 years later, still good looking, in Trafalgar Square with the woman who ruined him. Not my story, but talking to one of our nurses this morning I was bewailing the state of Mr G - and talking about a mutual friend - she is 50, her husband has motor neurone disease - there are four children - the husband of Agnes, the Nurse, and the now sick father, with all their children, went ski-ing together - he was a man who enjoyed life to the full and a smile for everybody. I have to cling to reality - because the bitterness of my perfectly fit husband of 86 destroyed mentally compared to this man of our own childrens' age being destroyed physically in the most cruel manner is hard to cope with.

Michael Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 2:38pm

Jayne powerful potent words. If I could cry I would but I'm numb. This year my dad has died and my wife of 30 years is with another man (even though we still live under the same roof!).

Leah Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 8:17pm

Michael I hope you findl the tears one day and they help to heal.

Vickie Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 2:43pm

Beautifully written. Made me cry. Expresses the depth of loss for a loved one regardless of circumstance. Tis the time year to think of loved ones who are no longer with us. Virtual hugs to you.

Leah Sat, Dec 17th 2016 @ 8:15pm

Jayne
so tender and emotional

Wyvern Mon, Dec 19th 2016 @ 9:40am

Late posting - I have no internet access at weekends -
Jayne, this really struck a chord as my father died in June. Brought the tears to my eyes too.
x

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