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21

July


Into every life a little rain must fall. Monday July 21, 2014

I have blogged before about making the positive choice; focussing on the sunny side; nurturing instead of nagging ourselves; being our own best friend rather than our own worst enemy. But what about the times when we can't do this; when we can't even see the positive let alone focus on it; when we feel swamped by our own personal black cloud – whatever that may be? How can we continue then?

When we manage to focus on the positive, it is not a question of doing so at the expense of the negative; nor is it trying to deny the negative feelings. On the contrary, it is important to acknowledge the bleakness, the negativity and perhaps even to accept it as being an integral part of us.

Throughout my life my default position has been to deny the reality of my negative feelings; but I am slowly coming to realise that this strategy has served only to make matters worse.

Diana Ross once sang about having a broken heart with the line "Good morning heartache; sit down." and several Moodscopers have referred to their "black dog". I now try to be more accepting of my bleak and negative feelings. Sometimes I will deliberately listen to music which makes me sad – almost as if I am giving myself permission to feel bleak (but always with a time limit and always with a cup of tea afterwards). Hubby's current phrase which is helping me is: "Into every life a little rain must fall".

So in the bleak times I try to remind myself that I just have to trust that it will not be like this forever; that one day, maybe even later today, it will pass, like a heavy shower, or a dense fog...

I loved Rika's final paragraph on her blog 18th February and think that it is well worth repeating: "I wish you a wonderful day, but in the case that you aren't having a wonderful day, I offer a knowing smile and I hope that your tomorrow is better."

Frankie
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Silvia A Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 4:48am

Frankie, I think exactly the same as here " giving myself permission to feel bleak but always with a time limit ". Usually it takes minutes or hours than I react, I slowly react and then I accelerate my reaction. The idea of a cup of tea is good, but I usually try to breath, move and do something to get something done as in "Just do one thing each day".
A very good blog for me!

clare Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 6:15am

Thank you for your blog. Im currently going through a very heart breaking separation and reading this have given me the knowing thats its ok to cry some days but hold onto the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day and if not the day after will. The storm always clears x thank you

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:09am

I'm glad Silvia - for me the "Just do one thing each day" was also hugely helpful; and often meant I actually got more done as it was starting anything which was the hardest part. Frankie

Julia Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:19am

Lovely blog Frankie. Your husband has a nice turn of phrase too. I think negativity is natural and shouldn't be dismissed unless one is really rock bottom with one's thoughts. To be and feel positive all the time is weird and clearly false.

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:29am

Hello Clare; I am sorry to hear of your grieving - crying is a release and when I have grieved I have found the expression "tears of healing" really helpful. Hubby likens grief to waves on the beach - sometimes they lap at your feet, sometimes they submerge you completely making you feel powerless, sometimes they are waist-high so you can move but only slowly. I found it really helpful to write an on-going letter (which I never sent) describing my feelings over the weeks and months. As you so rightly say, the storm does always clear. I wish you peace of mind and heart (and plenty of tissues!) Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:31am

Thanks Julia - did you ever read Polyanna? She was always cheerful and positive all the time - and I hated her!!! Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:36am

Ah, but even Pollyanna at the end had to face a situation where she just couldn't be optimistic and cheerful - and it was then she found the love she had given to others returned to her!

Mark Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:38am

Thank you. It reminds me of the times I've used the theme tune to the 'Deerhunter' to help me feel the sadness inside and express it. For me, a man, I need ways to help me purge the hurt or sad feelings that have never had the permission to manifest in emotions. Many years of learnt behaviour have contributed to this suppression – losses, hurts, break-ups – trapped in the very cells of my body.
I once described this as feeling like "A deep well of tears" inside me that seemed never ending. In order to release these old emotions I have (in the words of one author) had to "Come out of hiding". That is to confront the shame and pride that told me 'Don't appear weak', 'Be a man!', 'Big boys don't cry' and all the other messages that my parents, teachers, peers and society as a whole told me was the only way to "Be a man".
The ONLY way I can begin to heal from this awful depression is to reach into the depths of my being and be kind to the boy I was by 'allowing' him to feel and be real.

Mary Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 10:42am

Nice one Frankie. I love the idea of having permission to be miserable (with the timer set for 20 mins or so!). I sometimes allow that with my anger too - especially if I'm with a really good friend. I will say "Give me permission to rant!" and I do, loudly, energetically and with suitable gestures/actions. At the end of 5 mins or so of full on self-expression, I feel much better and can usually laugh; both at myself and the situation. The friend is usually sitting very still, wide-eyed and enquiring, in a slightly tremulous voice, if I've finished yet.... (apparently I'm scary when I do "getting angry")

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 11:03am

Hi Mary (how are you doing?) Yes, it works VERY well with anger too! Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 11:14am

Hello Mark; it sounds as if you are already well on your way to recovery; I love the image of being kind to "the boy I was"; the concept of "nurturing the child within" has been a huge help to me in my recovery. I wish you peace of mind and heart on your ongoing journey of healing and genuine self-awareness. Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 11:16am

Hi Anon 10:36 - I had forgotten the ending - perhaps I had better re-read it! Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 1:16pm

Frankie. A fine, uplifting blog. Thankyou.
I am trying to thank good people like yourself without appearing too needy for a response. It seems to me that we all fall into that trap now and again. Keep writing, feeling, loving, laughing. Lyrics are so important. Is your partner a Ray Charles fan? Yours sincerely, R

Trisha Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 1:16pm

I started my day today 'lost in the fog' sitting on a bench with my dog trying to connect with the beautiful countryside all around but feeling totally disconnected and so alone. Heard the bleep from my phone to alert me to an email and read your blog Frankie and the final quote from Rika and felt the ' knowing smile 'of fellow sufferers and did not feel alone anymore. Thank you

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 2:34pm

Thanks R (Rich?)
- yes, that need for a response ... I think it's called being human!

No, not Ray Charles; Modern Jazz Quartet, Beidebecke, Jonny Cash ...

You're right, I do need to keep writing (already doing the other 3); thanks for the encouragement.

Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 2:37pm

Thanks R (Rich?)

"... too needy for a response" ... I think that is called being human!

Not Ray Charles;
Modern Jazz Quartet, Beiderbecke, Jonny Cash ...

You are right - I need to keep writing (already doing the other 3) - thank-you for the prod and the encouragement.

Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 2:41pm

Hello Trisha; glad it helps - it sounds to me as if you were already doing well to be outside - well done you! I wish you a better tomorrow. Frankie

heather Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 2:56pm

In the past mental illness was often diagnosed as Melancholia and somehow that doesn't sound so dispirited to me as Depression. I too sometimes enjoy listening to melancholy music and I think it brings out feeling in me which need to be felt, even tears, which can be beautiful in a way. I guess there should be a time limit but I can enjoy a melancholy session. Thanks for your blog Frankie.
Love Heather xxx

heather Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 4:03pm

I think that's lovely Trisha. It really is amazing how a surprise can lift us even when we are feeling really low.

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 4:42pm

Hello Trisha; glad it helps - it sounds to me as if you were already doing well to be outside - well done you! I wish you a better tomorrow. Frankie

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 4:46pm

Hello Heather; I need the time limit to avoid wallowing in self-pity - it can be a fine line ... Usually the end of the CD is time enough - and if I move on before the end, then that is a bonus! Frankie

Suzy Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 8:22pm

Ah very eloquent blog post Frankie. Lovely. No rain; no rainbow.

Anonymous Mon, Jul 21st 2014 @ 9:35pm

Ah but you put it so much more succinctly - I love it! Thank-you Suzy. Frankie

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