I am independent, in that my flat is my fortress,  I can get up when I like, eat what I like when I like. I have no commitments.  BUT, I have no influence over the running of the complex. The pool has been shut for 11 days, an administrate c*ck-up has meant I have no A/C. My birthday, Monday, was notable, not because I was born but for headlines of record breaking heat. It has been a rough week.

Mary’s blog when I write this is about coping with heat. I am at the stage of my book, looking at coping with increasing longevity, examining choices. Mary is lucky with her mother. She is near, her mother is housed on her son’s farm, a farm worker is part carer. No one person is totally responsible

Two friends, with money and big enough houses have opted for live-in care. They say it is cheaper than care home, and they stay in familiar surroundings. You also have to be exceptionally tolerant, and these people had been professionals, dealing with people, taking responsibility. They have to ‘submit’ to somebody else taking charge. The husband, in one case did NOT like strangers in his house, but he was a perfect gentleman and his wife was adamant in staying put. The agency who supplied the staff was not totally reliable, and one of the daughters had to take a lot of responsibility. Twice, carers had mental problems, once a woman moved in with all her belongings, obviously homeless.

Over the last fifty years a couple have a large house, difficult to manage. One of them dies. A son or daughter finds they can convert part of their big house (the young birds have flown) into a ‘granny’ flat. Again, this needs people who get on together and are very tolerant. This might, often does, change when they are actually part of the same establishment. So, my ‘case’ history has classics. Mum/Dad move in, have car, friends, interests. Then they stop driving, you are out of town, no public transport. Mum/Dad needs regular medical treatment, so you become chauffeur. You invite them to Sunday lunch, it becomes a habit. You have guests; the parent may not like the guest, but is offended if not asked.

On my last journey back from UK my very nice taxi driver third degreed me about my family, why did I live in France, why did I not live with my daughter. Needed a couple of hours to explain. Not in our culture. Few people can afford a house with a spare room, and, for the elderly, often an en suite bathroom is vital. One story, the ‘in’ was deleted from ‘indepedence’. This was France, Mum, a widow, lived a few doors away from her daughter. HER daughter had a hairdressers salon in town. Mum visited her Mum every day, lunch every Sunday. Saturdays daughter was busy, her mother took charge of the children HER mother complained of an undutiful daughter for not visiting. Have you a Mum or Dad living in, children who cannot will not leave home? Do you have a set of rules, or just a well-bitten lip? 

The Gardener

A Moodscope member