I remember sitting in the shower, many years back, letting water pour over me. I felt more desperate than I can ever explain and so alone. My children were downstairs with their dad. Such was the intensity of my feelings, I wondered if I had enough of any type of drug to end myself. It upset me but I could see no other option with my burden, and of feeling like a waste of space.
I don't know what changed but I made it out of the shower, dried, got into clothes and on with the next ten minutes. I'd won. For that moment, I had won. It didn't feel like a win, there was no victorious feeling or smiles or cheering. But a win is a win. You don't need a witness.
I have a friend who is missing. He has been missing over 10 weeks.
For anyone who is feeling those feelings just remember that how you feel now is not always how you will feel. Trust that it will change. Know it will. Just think of getting yourself ten minutes into the future and then this ten minutes will be part of your past.
I haven't felt how I felt that day in the shower for some years. I can now see that my feelings and I are quite unrelated. I can feel very down but deep inside I am not that person. Just remember that who you feel in this ten minutes is not who you might be in the next ten.
And if you need to disappear for a while, whether its shower or hillside, that's ok. Because sometimes disappearing is what saves us. But do come back. Be safe my missing friend and know that when you come back there is always someone who cares. There is always someone.
The room above the garage
A Moodscope member
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