Moodscope's blog



If you are missing. Sunday May 8, 2016

I remember sitting in the shower, many years back, letting water pour over me. I felt more desperate than I can ever explain and so alone. My children were downstairs with their dad. Such was the intensity of my feelings, I wondered if I had enough of any type of drug to end myself. It upset me but I could see no other option with my burden, and of feeling like a waste of space.

I don't know what changed but I made it out of the shower, dried, got into clothes and on with the next ten minutes. I'd won. For that moment, I had won. It didn't feel like a win, there was no victorious feeling or smiles or cheering. But a win is a win. You don't need a witness.

I have a friend who is missing. He has been missing over 10 weeks.

For anyone who is feeling those feelings just remember that how you feel now is not always how you will feel. Trust that it will change. Know it will. Just think of getting yourself ten minutes into the future and then this ten minutes will be part of your past.

I haven't felt how I felt that day in the shower for some years. I can now see that my feelings and I are quite unrelated. I can feel very down but deep inside I am not that person. Just remember that who you feel in this ten minutes is not who you might be in the next ten.

And if you need to disappear for a while, whether its shower or hillside, that's ok. Because sometimes disappearing is what saves us. But do come back. Be safe my missing friend and know that when you come back there is always someone who cares. There is always someone.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Permalink  |  Blog Home


Zareen Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 6:23am

Thanks for the very encouraging blog! I found the tip very helpful!

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:43am

My pleasure Zareen, great to see you! Love ratg X.

Ann Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 10:14am

So true and if ten minutes seems too long, aim for five. Your thoughts really helped me put some trivial upset in perspective this morning. Thank you for all your contributions Moodscope.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:26pm

Five is even better...five minutes closer to pudding :-D Thank you Ann, love ratg x.

Hopeful One Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 6:41am

Hi my friend RATG- thank you from sharing that moment some years ago in the shower when the psychic pain, the profound loneliness the profound loss of hope that feeling of worthlessness lead one to contemplating that one did not want or deserve to live anymore.. You survived that moment. ' What does not kill you makes you stronger ' said a wag. But so true. In that moment when you decided to give yourself 10 min not only did you emerge stronger but you became a different person.. Let us hope that your missing friend gives himself or herself those 10 minutes in the worse case scenario but let us Hope that they did just that .

We have made our wish . But as the famous author Robert Foster said " Life goes on " We laugh because we choose not to cry.

A Kindergarten teacher was walking around the classroom observing the students while they were drawing. Stopping at the desk of one little girl who was working hard on her drawing, the teacher asked what the girl was drawing. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:47am

Hello lovely! Sometimes sharing is the only way to see you've moved on...I might not be in the best of places but I am not her, win! It's dreich and misty here today but I will try to find beauty in it. Perhaps a bit of pavement thumping. How long til your holiday HO? Love ratg X.

Hopeful One Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 4:46pm

Hi my l friend RATG- thanks for the comment and so kind of you to remember and ask. There is still an exam to do on the 14th June. So I am focused on that at the moment . The holiday starts on the 19th. Really looking forward to that to spend with the one I love. The word HOPE has used 12 times today so far . I feel vindicated!

Anonymous Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:06am

I am at that moment now, feeling consumed with lack of hope. Trapped in a rather horrible place. But I will hang on to the next ten minutes, make some tea and navigate the day. Thank you for the reminder and the pertinence of your post, to me today.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:57am

Hello, I'm so pleased and touched that you have told us. Whether you know it or not, you've just fought back with an iron will. You also have hope, lots of it, you opened the email with hope, you came in here with hope, you made tea with hope. I know how it feels, the opposite of anything good, but I hope you know that what you've managed is good, VERY good. And now you're here I hope you will continue to talk and let us hear. Love ratg X.

Peter Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 11:02am

Hi anonymous - very sorry to hear you're in a horrible place. Hope your 'ten minutes' pass soon and that your next ten are in a better place. Peter

Vanessa Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 10:25am

Praying for your friend, ratg. x

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:27pm

Thank you so much, love ratg x.

Holly Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 10:58am

Thank you for this post. I have two good friends who have 'gone missing' so to speak. I sometimes feel that way too. All I can do is hope and trust that things will work out. Thanks again :)

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:28pm

Hello Holly, trusting that it will be ok is a leap of faith but worth it I believe, love ratg x.

Peter Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 11:03am

Hi ratg - I can't think of anything more sophisticated to say than thank you very, very much. You're a poet. Peter

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:29pm

Hello Peter, that is a sophisticated and fine thing to say. Thank you back, love ratg x.

Adam Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 11:52am

Thank you RATG. I am in a bit of a bad place at the moment and found your post hopeful and helpful.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:30pm

Hopeful and helpful...brilliant, that's great news. Don't be a stranger. Stay close to the blogspot and we can stick out a hand whenever needed, love ratg x.

Lexi Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 1:12pm

RATG- I read your post at 2:30am my time and felt you wrote it just for me. I am going through a really difficult time right now and am sad to admit that I too had the thought yesterday about how many pills were in the house. Instead I called a friend - got through those 10 minutes. And your post got me through the night. I am taking it 10 minutes at a time. I know this will pass. Thank you.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:37pm

Lexi my love, I am touched that it helped you through the night. And I am so proud of you for calling a friend...true bravery and strength from you there. Ask yourself "what do I need?" and try to hear what it is... The thing you need most, what is it? You don't need to tell us but try to hear what it is your body and mind is telling you. It might be solitude, it might be to not be lonely, it might be belief, it might be physical help, physical touch, it might be someone to hear you...try to work out what the biggest thing is that is missing right now. Nothing might change or be able to change immediately, but knowing what is needed is sometimes just enough to give you steadiness. Stay close. Love ratg x.

Leah Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 2:11am

Lexi, I am touched by your honesty. I am thinking of you and trust you will get through this difficult time ten minutes at a time. Hugs.

Lexi Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 1:13pm

And I hope your friend comes back. xo

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:38pm

He will. I have decided so it must be true :-)

Mary Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 2:04pm

I too have been there, as you all know (the last time quite recently in fact). And everybody - yes. hang on. Just - hang on.... There's a meme going round FB at present that shows a (rather attractive) young woman leaning against a car in the sunshine. The words say, "I don't want to brag or anything - but I totally got out of bed today!" For some of us, for some of the time, that is victory! Praying for your missing friend. My friend came back from Garnet Star last week (the words "I'm still alive" were repeated three times in a ten minute conversation). I hope your friend comes back too.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:43pm

Thank you Mary xx. He has had a very rough hand of cards dealt to him in the last decade and has survived before. I don't do the praying thing but I am doing the praying thing. I'm glad your friend has returned...sometimes people just need a little space. Love ratg x.

Brum Mum Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:09pm

RATG, thanks for your honesty and all things shall pass.x

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:44pm

Thank you Brum Mum, you are right, the good and the bad bits, none are permanent. My kids hold on to that some dinner times! :-) Love ratg x.

The Gardener Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:32pm

A lot of us in same boat today - I am battling for positive thoughts - feel only sensible solution a double suicide - but our kids! Even people who are aware of the 'malady' are appaleed at the manipulation, posseveness and utter dependce I'm going throug - lovely home like a prison - go over the road for 10 minutes and a neighbour is sent to fetch me - 10 mninutes by river - the people I met! All so pleased to see me - memo, get out however high the cost and loud the abuse.

the room above the garage Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 3:50pm

Hello TG, I wish you had more respite care available to you. And of a great quality, one where you were not told 'how do you manage?' but rather gave you complete peace of mind to let go. Take your ten minutes in FULL if that is all you can get. (Must confess to sometimes locking myself in the toilet when I had a toddler and 2 crying babies just so I could be alone for 5 minutes, hear myself cry, cry properly until I was finished, and then pick up and carry on when I was able.) Keep carving out little segments just for you. Don't share a bit of them. Love ratg x.

Lesley Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 7:05pm

You deserve to get out each and every day. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sending you hugs and light. Love Lesley

Leah Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 2:13am

Gardener, Keep on keeping on. Hope you get more ten minutes of your choosing. Hugs Lx

The Gardener Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 4:47pm

People missing - if they are 'fragile' one worries. I've 'missed' several - know they mut have died. One was an Aunt, lived same town as my Ma - she moved to Cornwall to be near her only son, spoiled brat from birth. He knew his Mum and I exchanged Xmas cards, he could have let me know. A real 'grouse' people I phone are delighted, never phone back.

Lesley Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 7:03pm

Thank you for this so simple but effective and heartening blog today, RATG. I sometimes just hunker in the shower letting the hot water rain down on me and remind me that life goes on. I am getting myself together to enjoy life instead of the fear I feel and the daily desire to go missing. I am lucky though in so many ways and don't have nearly such a tough time as TG.

the room above the garage Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 6:14am

Keep on Lesley, it takes huge strength some days but together it's possible, love ratg X.

Rebecca Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:25pm

Great post.x

the room above the garage Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 6:15am

Thank you! Love ratg X.

Samantha Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 9:25pm

Such a moving post that I can totally relate too. I have felt that desperation and hopelessness and lost the will to carry on. The thought of surviving another 5 minutes felt intolerable and I thought death was preferable. But I survived, I am happy, enjoying life, laughing, living and calm. I didn't think this was possible from the depths of my misery and terror but it is.
No matter how low, how lost you are, you can recover. I did and although I do not welcome the depression and anxiety I experience I am thankful that I am able to appreciate the simple pleasures that others are not able to take for granted. Yes, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, shopping, are all things I was once unable to contemplate but now I smile to myself sometimes that I can now do these mundane things.
Hang on if you are lost, please. It may take longer than you expect or hope it will but you will recover. You can't think your way out of it, it's not logical and there are no answers to why, accept it and try to float through the worst times. It will not last I promise X

the room above the garage Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 6:16am

Hello Samantha, a great reply and reminder to all reading that it can and will change, thank you, love ratg X.

Still picking figs Sun, May 8th 2016 @ 10:20pm

This is a brilliant post, so helpful.

the room above the garage Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 6:17am

SPF, thank you, love ratg X.

LillyPet Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 12:33am

Hi ratg :) x
Such a heartfelt and supportive blog!
People can feel stuck and hopeless just as you described. Knowing that when things feel unbearable, in ten minutes, that 10 minutes of torment will be history, is so helpful.

Also the knowledge that as real as it feels, that torture isn't the real you.
It's the awareness of your moods, the alarm bells, the early warning signs, the deep down knowledge of what is best for you, despite the surface feelings and moods, the wise you, that is the real you.

Thank you for keeping those messages alive.
I hope that your friend is ok and you find out soon that they are safe and well. LP Xx

the room above the garage Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 6:18am

Hello LP, a lovely reply, thank you, peaceful day to you, love ratg X.

Cara Mon, May 9th 2016 @ 2:13pm

RATG, Thank you so much for this post. That's really all I can say. It took me a long time to learn for myself that a lot of it is impulse. And in a few minutes, 5 or 10 or 15, maybe even one hour... it will pass, that I'll come back. This post has resonated with me very much and I thank you for sharing such a personal story. Your friend is in my prayers.

the room above the garage Tue, May 10th 2016 @ 10:59am

Thank you Cara, a lovely response, I hope you are now in a solid place, love ratg X.

You must login to leave a comment.

What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive


Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

We exist to help people to positively manage their moods. You can contribute by taking the test, sharing your experience on the blog or contributing funds so we can keep it free for all who need it.

Moodscope® is © Moodscope Ltd 2018. Developed from scales which are © 1988 American Psychological Association. Cannot be reproduced without express written permission of APA.