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I'd like you to be the first to know! Saturday January 17, 2015


Please crack open the posh biscuits! Wear your good pants (the ones you keep in case you ever know in advance you'll need them)! Treat yourself and put 2 after eights on a saucer after lunch! I'm nearly smiling! (but we don't do that because we're depressed)

This, my friend, is a good day! It's here! It's arrived! Celebrate with me do! I can poach eggs!!

Don't get me wrong, I can cook. Not in a Marcus Wareing way. Not in a Raymond Blanc way. I am not Heston, not Jamie, my cleavage isn't Nigella's and neither is my lamb, but I can cook. I'm averagely good in that it's usually edible, always from scratch and I have a special interest in nutrition. But poaching eggs? No. Simply NO.

I love poached eggs. Adore. I would probably have pledged to marry the first person or animal who was able to teach me the secret. But, like all achievements, it means most when you get there yourself. I have had tips: "swirl the water", "use a dollop of vinegar", "pour the eggs in slowly from a cup", "use a shallow pan", "bubble the water first", "don't bubble the water", "fresh eggs only". I've bought gadgets ranging from little slips of paper to rubbery half-shells. I've even prayed to Ronald MacDonald. The last sentence was a lie.

My efforts have been like works of art. Really random, abstract art. The worst ones looked like I had a monster of a heavy cold and had sneezed an explosive sneeze into the pan. Cooked snotters. I have eaten all the watery efforts. Not true, I couldn't eat the ones that had disintegrated in the water. I have eaten yolks that have had their whites boiled off. I have eaten whites that I've collected with a tea strainer and rolled into a pile. I have eaten slurpy bits of something that was an egg for a short time.

Today, after YEARS of practice, and many sorry chickens slow-clapping me, I have poached two beautiful eggs. They were outrageously good. I surrounded them with all the things that make my perfect breakfast. I sat like a King and I chose every good word I could think of to describe myself (that was tough as 'useless numpty' still comes easier). I did it!! And my message to you, all you lovely patient people?


Love from

The kitchen near the garage.
A Moodscope member.

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crafty wee midden Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:14am

Oh my goodness.....that is SO funny, and descriptive( the snotters....heh) and jst plain wonderful. Thank you for making me smile, and many congrtulations( I too am a Searcher for the Perfectly Poached Egg, and have been known to say "I wish someone would jst come nd make me poached eggs" best friend when I was growing up had occasional bilious attacks, and I always her Dad making her poached eggs, and envied that( my background, meh, a mixed up mess, much like the wee bits of egg in your earlier attempts) thank you thank you thank you love from Alexxxxx

Hopeful One Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 7:29am

Hi KNTG- is this a new persona or an avatar if RATG?Your attempts at a poached egg certainly brought a smile and I cheered you on as you described your quest.And yes I agree with you. Never,never ,never,never give up.I cannot claim to have said that first.It was none other than Mr Winston Churchill.The rest is history.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 7:47am

Well done you, KNTG! It's the (big) little things like this that really give you a lift and feel like you have ACHIEVED. Perseverance is worth it. Bon appetit!

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 8:43am

Brilliant blog! Made me smile :)

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 8:49am

Lol, lol, lolillol kntg! What a great start to the day! I almost don't need breakfast, (yeh, like that's ever going to happen, Karen!). I laughed my bed socks off!
They are tricky Liddle blighters are eggs of the poached variety! They are My Favourites really and I get cross if we are staying somewhere and the chef makes a pig's ear out of them...after all, chef is trained! We on the other hand, are mere mortals and not so trained!

Fabulous, ktng (presumably RATG in chef's clothing...hiding behind a big smile with egg yolk around the edges!!!)

Julia Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 9:15am

I LOVE properly cooked poached eggs. I always ask for two when we stay at those hotels that still have breakfast menus and waiters.
(I know your blog has a deeper message ratg; if only the path to getting regular good sleep was as easy or should I say as achievable (eventually I know!) as making the prefect poached egg...

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 10:18am

Just buy one on Pound Strecthers Microwave Egg Poachers. The eggs are divine and especially too when a thinly sliced piece of cheddar cheese is placed on top of the said egg prior to popping in the microwave. Then dear Garager you will never need to go through all that shit again.

Alicia Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 10:39am

Wow omg this made me smile so much! !! I love celebrating the daily life ;) *dances around the kitchen with you*

Mary Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 1:10pm

I love this post!!!! Absolutely love it. If I just keep going, do you think that one day I will be able to do admin?

aj Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 1:40pm

Ha ha Ace! So how did you do it. Mine still resemble the spotters!!

Julia Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 1:52pm

Sounds nifty that Pound stretcher egg poacher Anon! But I do think going "through all that shit again" as you described ratg's efforts is what many of us go through each day trying to be happy and sadly there are no quick fixes like your egg poacher. kntg./ratg has through her skilfully worded blog made us see that actually there might be light at the end of the tunnel for us!! (I think you knew this anon!)

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 2:04pm

Dear Cosy Room (kitchen today).....i woke up laughing! You are so funny! Brilliant. To celebrate with you, i poached eggs this morning and chuckled when one of them lost its white somewhere in the pot. I will not give up! susanxx

Melanie Lowndes Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 3:20pm

Great! haha! (Love to know the secret - I suspect it is the quality of the eggs - ie it was never your fault!!)

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:00pm

Hearing your enthusiasm...the pleasure is mine! Love ratg x.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:03pm

Hello HO, Winston Churchill knows his stuff. Inside out! Wish he was able to be on here sometimes :-D love ratg x.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:04pm

Exactly. And it was heavenly! Still living off the memory... Love ratg.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:05pm

Brilliant comment! Love ratg.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:07pm

My turn to giggle!
C'est moi, love ratg.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:09pm

I have the opposite problem Julia, I could sleep round the clock. The more I get, the more I need. I'm passionate about this subject, read into it lots. What do you 'do' in terms of bettering it? Love ratg.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:11pm

Love this reply! My turn to laugh!! Love ratg xx.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:12pm

And yours Julia :-) xx

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:13pm

Ye-haa!!! Love ratg x.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:19pm

Mary I would think that if you use a dollop of vinegar, slide it into some hot water and simmer, the admin will be grand!! Love ratg :-)

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 4:24pm

I have no idea how I did it, just a combination of shallow pan and bringing water to the boil then letting it cool until only small bubbles were left on the bottom of the pan. Naturally, beforehand, I stripped naked, danced outside saying good morning to each blade of grass and tapped my heels together saying "there's no place like home". Something worked. It may never work again for sometime but we'll ignore that part!!

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:05pm

I feel great affinity with you, and thank you for celebrating in the name of eggs everywhere :-) love ratg.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:24pm

Brill girl! Inspirational. I expect sales of 'Giraffes Can't Dance' will have rocketed too since you wrote about Gerald. Go Well.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:47pm

This time it was shallow pan, boiling point then reduced til only small bubbles are on the base of the pan, then gently cracking in eggs. But I'm sure I've done that before scores of times!

There is clearly a significant link between the quest for poached eggs and the quest for raised mood! :-)

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:49pm

:-) x

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 5:50pm

^this was to Melanie

Victoria Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 7:04pm

I liked this post. I read it sitting at the top of the stairs, having just ordered chinese. I have a thing about ordering takeaway. I never used to but in the last 5 years somewhere I have come to dread it somewhat. That it will be bad and it will be ALL MY FAULT. I can read the psychology there. Clearly some anxiety and self esteem issues. But I did it. And I know, first world problems. But like KNTG, it's about trying again, and not giving up, and not blaming yourself. I read this post having spent most of the day on the sofa watching a series I love. And it's ok to rest, and it's ok to slob about a bit. And it's more than ok do not do very well at something and keep trying. Good luck KNTG that the poached egg success continues. But they can't all be winners. Tomorrow I'll get up and keep going. And maybe I'll try poaching an egg...

Mary Blackhurst Hill Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 9:43pm

Oh, you do make me smile! Thank you. I think I shall write that down and pin it to my cork board so that next time my life explodes around me because I have forgotten to do something, I can smile again.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 10:31pm

Victoria, you have made me feel wonderful. That my rumblings might have encouraged you to be brave in any way is a fabulous thing. You know there is no reflection on you about the food...but you need proof and validation and it will come. You have already shown that you can, there is a brick. There is only forward now... Love ratg/knrg xx.

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 10:33pm

:-) xx

Anonymous Sat, Jan 17th 2015 @ 10:39pm

Fantastic RATG! Your posts go from strength to strength. Hearty greetings,
Suzy xxx
(There's something very magical about the process of poaching an egg)

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