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I Will Love Again. Sunday April 2, 2017

The signs were there. I ignored them. The comfort of being loved was overwhelmingly sought by me. Now, I must deal with the loss. Feel it. Experience it. Allow it.

Forgiveness is important. It takes less energy and allows me to reclaim my own power. To resent or hate or withhold forgiveness is giving away our power to the other person.

Additionally, it is important to recognize the small eruptions of signs and to learn from them. What lessons are shaping? Well, for one, I found I was becoming smaller in my character when around someone refusing to grow. Two, I found I did not feel safe. (This is a really big deal to me and is not necessarily based on logic.) And three, I did not feel as though my voice was being heard. Many times I was ignored or passed over. My dear sister, sweetly mentioned that the feeling of having no voice seems to be prevalent in our generation and that males simply don't have that sensitivity embedded. Hmmm...

And just now, a new awareness just came to visit my weary brain. This is the second time I have experienced this particular phenomenon in the last twelve months. How can this be? I have been on my own now for 13 years after four serial marriages. What on earth am I doing? Why?

Okay. Time to stop beating the self-pity drum and feel the pain, own whatever part I played with my behavior, and grow. I walk on.

Di
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to leave a comment below.


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Comments

Liz Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 8:22am

Thanks for sharing Di, I feel your pain. I woke up with self pity today. I Don't feel so alone that I'm not the only one feeling like this too.

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 11:56am

Liz ~ Wallow for a bit then get out of yourself if you can by doing something for someone else. It is a rich & lovely world, yes? You are not alone. Lovingly, Di

Karin Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 11:00am

Dear Di,
You are reclaiming power. Great! Becoming smaller, "playing small "so that others won't feel insecure around us - doesn't work in the long run. It "doesn't serve the world" (Mandela in-auguration speech) or us because we are here to grow. But it does make sense as a way of surviving. Because if people feel insecure - they may lash out (physically or in words). It leads to the insecure feeling you talk about -the "I'm not safe" feeling. So it can serve as a great indicator of what is going on.

Being heard is also key to a great life in my experience. And the key person to hear me is - me! So listen to the insights as they come. You are doing great work Di! Keep the lessons, let go of the pain, make room for new insights, new patterns, new love.

Yes you will love again Di! You writing this means to me that you are loving again!

Lots of love,
Karin

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:00pm

Karin ~ Thank you for your insights. They are rich, and they are kind. What I find is that many times, the situation is not about me personally. Yet I wish to learn and yes, walk on. I want to love the world at large and perhaps spend the remainder of my life in solitude. Be well, dear one. Di

The Gardener Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 11:05am

I hope I am avoiding self-pity - extra worries today - rage, frustration - beat it by doing all that needs doing regardless - been to church - SO many smiles - The last hymn was good - find faith difficult - but something is keeping me going - support of friends and family - a higher being too? Must admit to praying for strength. Di's blog - four marriages - not judgemental, just puzzled. I've been married for 62 years - not without its problems - but, given that 'breaking up is hard to do' is it not HARDER if you've gone through the paraphernalia, promises, involvment with in-laws etc? Do people feel more 'loved' in the environment of marriage? Safer?

Molly Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:46am

Some people find it hard to hold relationships down. It is excellent that you have been married for so long. I completely admire it and I am envious of it as well ! I sometimes regret letting someone go in my past and think we could have achieved years together, but deep down I know it was the right thing to do. I feel that people do feel safer generally when married but not me, I never wanted to marry and now I am, I want to run a mile !!

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:09pm

Dearest Gardener ~ Good job. I at one time prayed for your tenacity in holding down a relationship. I have come to believe that there is not a "right person" ~ rather, that we must become a "right person" and within that context find whether or not we are mature enough to handle another's love. It appears I am just now growing up. For that I am grateful, and laughing, and accepting of my flaws. Molly ~ Whoah. What growth you have ~ deep down many of us know if we allow ourselves to reflect honestly that we needed to walk on. You are kind and generous. You will find ways to enjoy your marriage. Lovingly, Di

Molly Tue, Apr 4th 2017 @ 10:35pm

Thank you Di x

Michael Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 12:31pm

I think it's a good idea to know that you don't necessarily need another person in order to be happy. I think we are culturally conditioned into the over importance of romantic love. Being in love and having a partner can be truly wonderful, but we should see it as a bonus and not an necessity. Keep meeting new people and see where things go without an end goal. If you find someone you click with then let things develop. All too quickly a load of rules and responsibilities kick in, sometimes without any actual discussion, and I think this causes problems for some couples. Just relax, enjoy spending time together, keep it simple.

It sounds like you are getting to grips with your break up and moving forward. I can be such a painful time. You're doing well :)

Jane SG Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 9:31pm

Very wise words Michael

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:11pm

Thank you, Michael and Jane SG ~ Wise words, indeed! I thank you for your generous spirit and inspiring perspective. Yes. I am what I am. Might I learn from all this? Is it time to grown up? Absolutely. Lovingly, Di

Jul Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 12:42pm

Hello Di.Four marriages is quite a lot and am I understanding correctly that you have had two relationships since your last marriage ended? And one of those is happening now? (I am unsure what this new awareness is). You write beautifully and I am so sorry you have been treated so badly in the past. You are attracted to the wrong type of man it seems! Were the four similar in personality? I too like to make everyone around me happy if possible, often to the detriment of myself. I know when and why this started. I am not sure I can change now or even want to. Perhaps we needn't blame ourselves totally for the situations we now find ourselves in. I have been married to the same person for many years and I am interested in what Gardener says about feeling safer or more loved in a marriage. I feel loved and safe but would like more.However I am unable to articulate what this might be without sounding incredibly ungrateful. Thank you for writing Di. I am imagining you sitting by the lake. Love Julxxx

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:19pm

Dearest Jul ~ I hear/see your confusion. I am not in a relationship now. I have been involved in 4 marriages for a total of 31 years (think stand-up comic!). Ending marriages are hard on the heart. Been on my own for 13 years. Just recently had back-to-back relationships & have ended those. Boom. What have I learned? To forgive because not to is giving away my power. That living smaller causes suffocation (for me). That I can be on my own ~ and do it well. And, that I need to grow up. That my need for safety in a relationship is not based on logic and that it is okay if I do not fully understand it. Be well ~ I am sitting by the lake thinking about your long lovely marriage. Good job. Lovingly, Di

The Gardener Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 3:31pm

Lots thinking time - and, I hope, a 'dispassionate' look at the disastrous marriage record of our near family (in the matter of broken marriages/relationships). My father had a truly awful childhood - he met my mother - older than he, soft and sympathetic, so it seemed. My wise gran advised against the marriage. 4 tempestuous years of engagement, then they married - a sad disaster - I know, I was 'piggy in the middle'. My father never married again, even after what was called the 'Casanova law' allowing divorce after 2 years without both sides having to consent. His liaisons were then with married women, so he was still 'tied'. Successive ladies were always 'the love of his life' (shades of Nancy Mitford 'The Pursuit of Love'). Michael says 'you don't necessarily need another person in order to be happy'. But many people seem incapable of living alone - if they could accept their own company - particularly after a break-up - then any new relationship would be choice not need. Priggish? But I've seen so many break-ups - rushing into another relationship (often with the one who caused the break-up in the first place) and then finding, sadly, that the grass is NOT greener.

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:25pm

Dearest Gardener ~ You write well. Thank you for your insights. I am chewing on them as I respond. For me, it important to eliminate blame ~ either from a difficult childhood, or a violent partner, or the death of a child. We are what we are. Can I learn from my patterns? Human brain research says, yes. Yes, I can and I say I will. And I will fly. You are correct I believe ~ the grass is never truly greener. It is simply more grass. Lovingly, Di

Valerie Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 3:39pm

Hello Di.The title of your blog speaks volumes.You probably will love again,possibly even since you wrote this.But are you loved in return? I think it is a French saying-"In every relationship there is one who loves,and one who allows themself to be loved".I can't help but wonder if you are always the one doing the loving,then,when that fails,off again on the rebound?

I should add that my own relationship history is nothing to feel smug about.The words "train crash" come to mind.I did have a year or more though,on my own,and found to my enormous surprise that I did not die of fear and loneliness.

Most of us end up alone in time,and if and when that happens to me,I really can't imagine having the energy to look for love.Mind you,I am probably much older than you.Having no hormones changes one.Even if you are too young to shut up shop,do take good care of yourself love. xx

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:31pm

Dearest Valerie ~ It is a wise question you raise ~ am I loved in return? It is difficult to trust my powers of discernment when I look at the patterns of my life loves. Train crashes can be learning tools. It is seldom about me ~ usually it is that person's walk. Hormones can be highly problematic yet even they are precious to life's journey. I love your attitude. Be well. Wage peace. Lovingly loving my solitude, Di

The Gardener Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 3:59pm

Perhaps every relationship should have a 'sabbatical' or a retreat

Jane SG Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 9:28pm

I totally agree Gardener

Molly Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:48am

Not that easy....

Jane SG Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 9:27pm

Ah the joy and pain of love. I think every experience can teach us something. Look after yourself Di xx

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:35pm

Oh, yes, dear Jane SG ~ If we are wise enough to stop and a consider our journeys, we can learn. It seems to me, the busier I am, the less I am aware. Hmmm....Lovingly, Di

Lisa Sun, Apr 2nd 2017 @ 11:09pm

I hear you sister! I'm right there with you, the pain is unbearable waking up, well not even sleeping for a month now, crying most mornings! I'm a wreck. 10 + years my first love my only love I'm still young I'm told at 33 I don't feel it. I'm devastated. Lost. Lonely. He just didn't love me anymore he said. It's so unfair. Why do they do this to us, we give our love to them so freely so openly and they crush you like you mean nothing. He was my everything. I have little else in my life. It's just too hard. I know I deserve better though - you too! At least I know that much! He couldn't give me what I wanted, not a lot not demanding just love, physical or emotional! Pah some people are just robots I don't know. It's hard. You stay with them because you think they'll change. Not if they won't accept it themselves. I accept my faults openly but work on myself all the time. Sick of apologising for myself so I have a bit of anxiety/depression who doesn't?! But don't treat me like that is the problem. He didn't own His faults ever. He thinks he's fine and probably will be! He doesn't have the lack of support network like I do. I have a lot of love to give and want to feel it in return but worried I won't ever have it now I have to start again. I'm sorry for your loss its like grieving I'm going through it. I have so much to sort out I don't want to face it but baby steps. I hate that they can do this so easily to us. Someone you think you know, someone you invest your life in can just leave you like that! It makes you question everything.

Molly Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 1:02am

Hi Lisa, I feel for you alot, but I had to do this to someone, I still love him to this day, but sometimes people cannot help their feelings. I had to do what I had to do at the time. I was begging him to stay in touch with me so we could be friends, he did for a while, and then he couldn't do it anymore. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. I agree some are like robots and don't have the same feelings as us but with the complexity of relationships, I would say to you please do not take it personally. We are all human and have our own roads to take in life, sometimes out of our control. By the way you ARE young, at 33, we always feel old (from the age of 21 probably). I'm 48 and didn't marry till I was 42. Hang on in there, something better will come along, and don't feel bitter, just treasure the memories you had with eachother xx

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 12:59pm

Such wise words, Molly! For our dear Lisa ~ I am deeply sorry for your loss. The wonder of how someone could stop loving ME???! Really? Yet, what if, just what if it is not about you? Actually, time will heal this yet it will always be a part of who you are. And, you are awesome. Know this. Believe it. Both of you begin by giving your love to yourselves. What are some things about you that you love? I bet you can make a T-graph that rocks. Put your gifts on one side, and your traits from which to grow on the other. Throw your shoulders back ~ walk out the door ~ fall in love with the day, the sky, a rock. You can do this. Wallow for a bit then get on with your life when you are ready. Only you will know when this is. You are awesome. Lovingly, Di

Lisa Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 11:51pm

Hi Molly & Di, thanks for your replies. It's nice to know people care, I don't have many in my life you see. I stupidly made him my world and yes I understand maybe that also played a part in our demise. I don't know maybe I was too difficult, messed up for him but as you say also maybe it's got nothing to do with me and he's got his own problems too! Two broken people don't make a whole! It would have been nice to be understood and loved I think that would have made such a difference but I accept he couldn't give me that. I will move on. I don't know if I'll cope but I will have to try to. If he was a horrible person and treated me bad maybe it would be easier to let him go but I think of all the good things I don't want to lose and I regret needing his love and not just accepting what was. But then how could I live like that knowing something was wrong, I knew, have done for years that's why I acted in the way I did out of frustration! But it didn't fix things it just drove him away. Hmm I'm naive I don't really know how relationships work. I would like a family one day but scared now he's gone I won't meet someone else..I'm very shy, don't work, unconfident and don't socialise so it seems impossible. I met him on the internet in the days of dial-up. I wouldn't do it again! Anyway for now I have to find my own way, my own love for my self, my own confidence before I can even go there again, I wish I'd seeked advice earlier but I'm always reading these moodscope posts, when I read yours Di it struck a chord obviously and felt I had to pour my heart out somewhere, I'm not a writer but I know writing it down can help and talking to others helps. Everyone's got a story to tell but not everyone's got support. Thanks for listening anyway xx

Molly Tue, Apr 4th 2017 @ 10:44pm

Keep reading Lisa and keep posting on here, it does help a little to share your feelings and have support. I find the members on here so supportive, understanding and wise !! Sometimes the smallest thing someone says, can stick in your mind and help you through. You will be okay xx

Molly Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 1:14am

Hi Di, not sure how to reply to your post, but felt I should say something as I have been replying to the comments which is a bit intrusive if I have not replied to you! Just do not blame yourself. Relationships are bloomin' hard and yes men have a completely different way of seeing things as we do. You will love again, I am sure of it. I am not going to judge that you have been married four times (!!) lucky woman !! Unless they are rich, I wouldn't bother with a fifth !! Sorry, bad joke !! I bet the right man is there waiting for you, you will find him, when the time is right xx

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 1:03pm

Dearest Molly ~ You have not been intrusive at all ~ actually you bring up excellent points. I do not blame anyone ~ or, I try not to. Our lives are complex enough without blame. I love your joke! Aaaack! How can I best learn from each love, walk on, and be a better human? What might I do with my chosen gifts to make the world better? These are my goals. Lovingly, Di

Molly Tue, Apr 4th 2017 @ 10:47pm

Xxxx thanks again Di, I love your positive outlook xx

FairIsle Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 11:27am

"Forgiveness is important. It takes less energy and allows me to reclaim my own power. To resent or hate or withhold forgiveness is giving away our power to the other person." - so powerful, so true.

I had never thought of forgiveness from that point of view, but I always thought it was important, and you showed me why it is important.

Di Mon, Apr 3rd 2017 @ 1:05pm

Dearest FairIsle ~ Thank you for your perspective & your generous support of my writing. You sound balanced and true to your own standards. You are not alone. Lovingly, Di

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