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November


I Want to be Clearer. Thursday November 12, 2015

Chasing the world,
Out there again.
Outside my head,
Often in pain.

Escaping again,
Ego driven stuff.
'Needing' something,
Maybe being too rough.

What do I 'want',
Really?
When I listen to my heart,
Freely.

When I am coherent,
When I am true,
When there is only me,
Before there is you?

Inscaping only,
Only going in.
Escaping's only,
...just a sin?

Losing focus,
Losing me.
Losing my mother,
I just couldn't see.

47 years ago,
Still in my head.
What do you do,
When your Mum is dead?

I've lived on my own,
Flying so free.
I've lived with another,
Not being me.

What are my boundaries,
That I will stick to?
What are my values,
To which I'll hold true?

I only devalue you,
When I devalue me.
That's why I need to be clear,
Where are my bound-aries.

When I am happy,
I make no judgment.
When I feel blue
I so often resent.

Can you look in,
Before you look out?
Whatever you're feeling,
You'll make life about.

Don't blame 'them',
Be responsible for you.
Life won't change,
Unless you do.

Les
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Liane Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 5:24am

Dear Les,

I did the math for myself. It wasn't my mom that causes my pain but my father. That relationship has driven my adult life. A failed relationship that I continue to try to mend by reaching out to men who, like my father, reject and belittle me. A vicious cycle that I learned as a child and continue to repeat as an adult. How can a relatively short amount of time in childhood drive an entire life?
My dad was in my life for 16 years, ending not in death but a violent episode when my mother threw him out. My security shattered, my family destroyed, my life changed forever. The adults did not notice me. They were too busy dealing with their own problems.
So we learn to cope, to get by, to bury our needs, to survive. We feel alone. Talking to others who have a neutral view, who have training has been my way out. I did not see what another person could see. Counselling has been my way to a balanced life.
My math for the years I lived with my dad is also 47.
Les, many of us have problems. Reach out to others is the way to freedom. You can get there. You are important to others. We all want you to get back to yourself. We're here for you!

Alex Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 5:43am

Les,

The one I got in my email just now had "Dear Alex" at the beginning....was that intentional? In any case, it made me feel both special and strange at the same time.

Four years, on the 19th of this month....a week today, since the fire which took her. Estranged from her for two years, before that my choice, my decision, not regretted it once . It was necessity, for the sake of my sanity.

The only person who ever understood, my husband, now gone. As for friends, I choose to whom I say what, on a 'need to know' basis.....learned by experience that they do not, cannot, understand. My mother showed a very different self to others. And I was the wicked daughter who was cold and unfeeling and heartless(none of which apply to me, but such is the impression that others have of me)

I don't blame her.....ironically, I understand more, now, after she has gone.

As for escapism.....hmmm, a sin? Not for me....if I don't have my own places to go to, to stop - or at least, lessen - the chaos in my mind, it would be much worse. So, I escape, by writing, reading, and sometimes sci fi on tv. It helps.

Wishing you peace and health. And strength
Alex

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 10:45am

Hi Alex, me thinks the emails come with our names on each day, but it's a lovely feeling to see that it is written to us personally each day. :) I've been thinking about you again...wondering when the anniversary date was due. You say you don't 'blame' your mum and understand more about your relationship with her...but sweet thing, you seem to still blame yourself?? (I maybe reading your responses wrong?) Try not to blame yourself. And as for next week - are you planning to do something to remember her by? Are you also planning something for yourself...it's not being selfish, but maybe you need to plan to do something or be with peeps that day, to release yourself from 'it'. Escapism - not a 'sin'....go escapeé :) go see a film or a play in your local theatre; go for a picnic in the park at lunchtime if you are working, and surprise a colleague or friend with a basket of yummy stuff and flask of tea (insert beverage of choice!) and go be with yourself or a friend who understands...or else just chat to us here on Moodscope x x x x Bear x x x x

Alex Fri, Nov 13th 2015 @ 7:16am

Bear, Thanks for thinking of me: the date it happened is the 19th November....so, next Thursday. Actually, I don't blame myself: there was always an inner, sometimes subconscious awareness that what happened throughout my life was *not* my fault: and I know I tried my best, but ultimately, it was not enough. So, no....I don't blame myself. Really, never have.....more of an awareness of a longing for what never was. And I no longer feel like *that*, so, that's good progress for me. Thanks for the suggestions....unfortunately, going out is not an option, due to agoraphobia, but it was kind of you to say it. Not quite sure what, if anything I'll do, but certainly getting myself a treat( Asda carrot cake.......so good....) And I think I'll most likely read, and say some prayers, and listen to music, and watch some favourites, and just keep to as normal( whatever passes for normal these days)a routine as I can - a strategy I use for Christmas, which I've never liked, and don't celebrate. Alex

Eva Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 7:00am

I don't really understand the poem I am afraid. I have been feeling quite low, when pmt comes I can feel very desolate and wish that I didn't love people as they then are all people whom I must lose at some point... I also seem to reflect on the last days of my father's life and wonder if I did the right things and regret the fear, pain and trauma he went through, I guess I dwell. I have to use escapism / distraction at these points to stop the inevitable spiral. I can also feel like this out of cycle, but have noticed that it is extremely polarised with the hormones.

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 10:33am

Hi Eva don't worry about understanding poetry...especially ehen you are feeling low. I think poetry can be quite tricky and when we are at our lowest ebb it is difficult enough to understand someone's 'plain' speaking let alone heartfelt words in poetry and songs. Don't be hard on yourself, Eva. Why do you feel that the people you love are ones you are going to lose? If you really think you are going to lose someone...then make the most of the time you have with them. That doesn't mean you have to smother them...just sit, enjoy their company and they yours. As for the last days of your dear father's life - don't sit and dwell on what you didn't do. Remember what you did do him. Did you comfort him, hold his hand, read with him? No matter what you actually did, he loved you and you loved him, that is obvious. Be kind to you, (especially when pmt comes along...darn those drafted hormony-things). Biggest Bear Hug winging its way across the ether....x x x x

Frankie Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 12:35pm

Oh Eva, me too - I remember it well; going over and over my father's final 24 hours and feeling guilty and angry with myself for things I didn't do or say ... in time I came to realise that this is a normal part of the grieving process and as such is a painful journey which we must all take in our own good time and fashion. But fear not, as you will come out the other side, and in time be able to look back on the lovely memories, rather than the painful ones. A timely comment for me too dear Eva, as we approach the first anniversary of my beloved mother-in-law's death (she was one of my best friends ...)and as we continue with the slow process of letting her go ... Bear is right (as usual!) Be kind to yourself, and if you are crying, think of your tears as tears of healing and an expression of your love for your father. Sending you hugs (and plenty of virtual tissues and cups of tea!) Frankie

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:58pm

Hi Eva, I so sympathise with your pms struggle, It's been my greatest struggle. The double whammy that's just too much! Predictable, but still leads to a meltdown in relationship with someone of some sort most months. ( I always stand by my point of view, but wish my emotions weren't so heightened then!) It's been relentless. But so has my drive to ease it, gain some control over it. At the age of 51, still an issue, I can share the best combination of vitamin supplements for me (as I've tried alot!) if you'd like to try, not sure if I can use brand names on here. Hasn't stopped it, just less awful. Hopefully you'll search till you get better than that! LP xx

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 10:15pm

Eva as it's ok to use brand names, I'm taking Kira Hormonal Balance, Kira PMS Relief and a Seven Seas Evening Primrose and Starflower Oil combo.All one a day xxx

Eva Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:58pm

Thanks so much you guys, virtual hugs and cups of tea very much welcome and accepted. Generally I am mindful and try to reframe and be as positive as I can be, I oppose my inner cynic and that helps a lot. When the hormones come into play it's as though I become shrouded and have to carry a big chilly weight and the inner me shouts from the inside'you have so much to live for and appreciate let the sorrow go' but with the additional grieving, the hormone shroud is too heavy and my voice too far beneath so eventually I don't hear it anymore. Once the hormones pass it's as though I wake up, I am still greiving, but I have my perspective back for the most part. I'll try the vitamin mix, thanks so much, willing to try almost anything at this point as it's really making the grieving process tough. Thanks again I really appreciate your help and thoughts, Frankie, Bear and Lilypet Bear, I read, sang, massaged, listened, cried and sat with him. As he went I spoke of places we were together 35 years ago and tried to bring back smells and sounds and the fun we had together, I told him not to be scared and to face the new like the adventurer that he was. I think the end was as good as it could be, but I regret any pain for him, I loved him so much. Eva

Alex Fri, Nov 13th 2015 @ 7:20am

Eva, Sending gentle hugs, and empathy....losing my soulmate last year, after a steady decline from a fit, active, man was and still is so painful. Griefs a bastard.....one thing I have learned, though, that everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way, as far as Im concerned. Thinking of you Alex

Kim Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 7:22am

Les I love your poetry and beautiful way of putting into words, situations, thoughts and feelings. This one particularly struck a cord with me. Thank you.

Mary Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 7:38am

Knowing Yourself is the beginning of all wisdom - Aristotle. Yes - maybe we can spend too much time navel gazing, but until we know ourselves, how can we know what we can give to others? How can we begin to like and love ourselves and be the friend to ourselves that we need to be. I love this poem Les - thank you.

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 8:52am

Morning Les, A poem that gets to the heart of things for me. The "dont blame or resent others for their actions be responsible for you" thing, I struggle with. It's the message I get all the time and it feels like I am to blame for suffering when others act badly towards me.

The suffering is mine and only I can deal with it. I get that, but it feels so unfair that people can go around being unpleasant or intrusive and get away with hurting me. It feels wrong to be accepting when their actions, current not past cause me pain. The real pain comes from the past. The feelings are still there, I dont blame or resent others for that. They trigger my feelings by choosing unpleasant behaviour now.

Today is a struggle as both these people are doing things that are directly causing me stress. I have to deal with one at lunchtime today. The other is on the back burner till next week.

All I can do is try today. Be strong. You're right Les, all I can do is be me and do things that make me feel good about myself because I have no control over others. They know how I feel, they still persist. Nothing I can do about them. I have no choice but to allow them to get on with what they do.
I'll make sure that I am resillient. Deal with it in a away that I can be proud of, then bounce back as soon as I can. Treat myself afterwards today. Then go back to working on realsing them into the sky to drift away and become smaller and smaller.
When I see one who I havent had to deal with for a long time she will have a heavy duty plunger (reference to Lex's blog!) that sticks to her rather large forehead (bad energy on my part I know! :))
When I come out, I will be able to say "I used to feel so resentful and angry towards daleks! (same Lex blog reference! :)) but it must suck having to be one! So glad I'm me!"
Thank you for an inspiring and challenging blog Les. It came at the perfect time. I am strong, I am resillient. I am inspired. I will be me and have faith that I will do just fine.
Love and light to all today LP xx

Anonymous Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 9:32am

Hello Lillypet. Your second paragraph resonated with me so much I just had to respond. I am having a problem with someone being very controlling and getting exactly what she wants at my expense.Friends advise me to be the same as her but I know the only way forward is to be true to myself. However she gets what she wants by being awkward and I don't get what I what by being nice! So who is the winner? The problem is that she can be very nice to other people (and to me when it suits her)but she is a Jekyll and Hyde character, the worst. I am taking a back seat from now on and will not be so involved with her. I always look for the good in others.

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:01am

Hi Lillypet and Anon...I feel for both of you as I have had quite a few friendships head south because, in the end, I couldn't take any more form controlling, bullying women who were supposed to be my friends, but each time I met with them, my stomach was in knots, my blood pressure was probably raised...they just took from the friendship and never 'gave'. I don't mean with tangible stuff..I didn't and don't need 'stuff'. I was often hurt by their remarks. They seemed to find it ok to be blunt with me about my appearance, about my home, my daughter and husband...am sorry but who gives them the right to be so unkind??? Well, that seemed to be me - every time I 'allowed' it to happen without challenging what they said. So it felt like a double-edged sword...I was letting it happen each time. Well, dear friends, no more...it took months of courage but I sat down with one of them and told her how she had made me feel each time she 'had a go at me'. Being the sensitive, soppy peeps that I am, I cried whilst telling her, but I got most of it out into the open. I apologised to her for saying it all but also said her behaviour had been so appalling the last time, that I couldn't take any more. It's been over a year and funnily enough, she hasn't got back in touch so she didn't think the friendship was worth continuing either...she obviously wasn't going to change and maybe she hasn't 'forgiven' me yet! Lillypet...speak out in a calm manner. Ask these peeps, why they have to behave like this to you each time...because, at the end of the day they are just bullies. ANON...back seat is often a better place to sit...bigger picture...better view! Bearwhoissorryforrant.com x x x

susan Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:51am

You are all awesome! And super wise. And you know exactly what you're doing, even if it's really hard. The daleks are actually attacking themselves --it's about them and not you. As you say, LP, it would 'suck having to be one'! As Bear says 'speak out in a calm manner'. I hope you're all having a great day. And i hope your muscle spasm is easing, Bear. xx

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:17pm

Thanks so much Susan! Hey there Anon and Bear, thanks for your supportive responses, it's always good to know someone else gets it, because in the case of the family member, no one wants to rock the lets play happy families boat, so easier life for them, no support for me! So thank you, it means alot. You're definately right to do you and not retaliate in kind. The best I could come up with was how glad I am that I'm me and not them! I bet that's the same for you, so do they get away with it? Yes. Do they stamp on us to "win" yes. Do we want to "win" or even play? Nope! Can we change them? No. Do we even want to? Thankfully nope, not our responsibility! BUT would we want to be like them? .............. Fill in the blank! :) Bear I'm so impressed that you faced her and said it. Even more glad for you no longer have to endure it! Speaking out in a calmly is where I need to get to. Speaking out and showing emotion shows enormous courage. If we have been bullied in the past, we are acutely aware and familiar with the danger signs, who the real bullies are, the power games they play, the automatic physical responses they can trigger in us. One difficult thing to hear is "Don't play the victim". As if it's some kind of lazy weak choice! Really get's to me that! We can gain even more strength and faith in our inner guide/gut feelings. We just have to remember and at my age, that's starting to get a little iffy! What was I rambling on about??? :) LP xxx

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:37pm

Ah Susan, the back has got worserer this afternoon as I went shopping with a friend...ugh so many shops...so many peeps and back is knackered as a knackered thing on a knickknackered day! Never mind...soon be bedtime and sleep, ah sleep! But thank you :) Bear x

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 7:15pm

Ps Bear, good old rantage is just the ticket sometimes! Didnt even realise it was one 'till you said! #lovablebearrant :)) LP xxx

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 9:08pm

Ouch! Sorry to hear that Bear! Have a lovely sleep and good rest LP xxx

Alice Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 9:11am

Well said LIllyPet! Keep remembering that: you are strong, you are resilient, you are inspired, you are you and have the faith and will do just fine. As they say - it's not you, it's the rest of them! Keep that faith LillyPet when you have to deal with that one lunchtime today. If you have that faith inside yourself it will provide a reflective impervious suit of armour and whatever is aimed at you will bounce off and will not touch you. Why other people do this, aim for that chink in our armour I will never understand, so don't give 'em the chink, give 'em the cheek! Good luck, Alice xx

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:27pm

Thank you Alice! Those things gave me the "readiness" to go for it. Just go in and do me and do it well. I did just that and gave nothing except my own good energy. Not happy that I'm in the situation, but did what I could to get on with it. Experience chalked up, but not pretending to be ok with it! LP xx

Maria Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:46pm

I admire your courage and strength for being true to yourself!

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:19pm

Thank you Maria! Xx

Anonymous Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 10:45am

What a lovely blog Les as always. I just wanted to say that a mother is she who can take the place of all others,but whose place no one else can take. So her absence must be a heavy burden to carry Les.

Your memories of your mother will never leave you. When you realise you are ENOUGH just as you are, then you will be the best version of you possible, and won't hold yourself to the unattainable standard of perfection. Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. Your mother would have instilled those lessons in you to live a life as they all do.

We can judge and resent others or we can love others, but we can’t do both at the same time. So worry about loving yourself, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. Your mothers love will always be a comfort.

Acceptance.......

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:05am

Lovely response, Anon.

susan Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 11:44am

Les, your beautiful poem had me crying buckets this morning for all of us who have lost a parent at a young age, and for those who have felt abandonment for many other reasons, too. My darling father died when i was 12, and a part of me split off and vowed to find him again somehow. So i was never completely present in my own life. More recently, i've been able to face the rage (against my very existence) and it has dissipated. To quote Susan Anderson "Mental health professionals generally interpret the feelings of abandonment as a symptom of depression or anxiety. But abandonment grief is a syndrome of its own. It is the way in which your fear and anger are turned against yourself that gives abandonment grief its particular character". I wish you freedom and peace, Les. Thank you. xx

Frankie Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 12:40pm

Afternoon Les; beautiful as ever; sending you gentle smiles from the now overcast skies and wishing you peace of mind and heart ... step by faltering step, piece by piece, piece by peace ... Frankie

The Gardener Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 2:16pm

Always have problems with Les's poems - think have been 'poetry-phobic' since school. Only one i ever wrote was printed here as the blog of the day. Relationships, regrets, guilt seem to be prevalent in thoughts of our parents. I've said before my parents had an appaling marriage - but, hard as I try, I cannot remember my mother with any pleasure. She was a total kill-joy (ruin of her (marriage with many other causes) disapproved of everything, when my father made money and got a car he wanted to take us everywhere. Mummy hardly ever went, whatever weather we got was wrong for her. The last five years of her life (died just before 100) she seemed to see my father in me, blamed me for all her ills, almost treated as the 'co-respondent' in the marriage break-up. Reading Bear, above, about breaking friendships. I've just done it for the first time in my life - friends of 55 years who have become totally selfish, uncaring (even for their grand-daughters) well off but as mean as only the well off can be. For many years we had great fun as a quartet - now they 'use' people, and their daughter says that I am not the only person to tell them to s*d off'. Almost life-changing for me to do such a thing. Eldest son says 'well done' he has suffered from their stinginess more than we have. Another entry above about 'losing' someone, as we are not yet immortal (despite efforts of scientists) we have to let go - I am desperately coming to terms that the 'partnership' which was marriage has gone, the man I married 60 years ago is no longer there - at the moment I just sit with him listening to our favourite music - hoping that something will get him out of this terrible lassitude. Have loads of friends, but at the end, however long it takes, you are on your own - and must not let the miseries of the moment occlude the joys of the past. 'When I feel blue, I so often resent', too true, thanks Les.

Frankie Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:03pm

And maybe, just sitting with him listening to your favourite music is reaching him, as only music can ... the tragedy here is that he cannot express his memories and his love as he once could. It does not mean that his memories and his love do not exist ... You are on your own, only in that you have your own grieving journey to do, and only you can do it ... however many walk alongside you, ahead of you, behind you ... in that, you are not alone ... as the first anniversary of my beloved mother-in-law's death approaches, many feelings are rekindled in me ... not least the deep sense of loss of one of my best friends ... Once again, I salute your courage, dear Gardener ... "must not let the miseries of the moment occlude the joys of the past" - a gem for my quotes book - thank-you. Frankie

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:44pm

dear TG....you've done it! Got rid of some nasty, awful bullies from your life...good for you. It's not a pleasant thing to have to do, but sometimes it has to be done to rot etc ourself. I, like Frankie thing your gem is a great quote. How lovely you can sit with Mr TG and listen to music - when my dear mum was dying last year, I kept talking gently to her and telling her what was going on with the family etc and when the nurse came in she said I should carry on talking to her right up until she died as the nurse said that hearing is the last sense to go. We sat with her holding her hand and telling her to just let go, that she would be safe, that she knew she was loved and we all knew she loved us. Hugs, Bear x

Barbara Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 3:23pm

Hi there. Sorry to be/seem flippant, but at 1st glance, I thought yr blog said u wanted to be a cleaner! Oops. Will read it now. No disrespect intended.

LillyPet Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:35pm

Barbara a smile is always welcome! Often sweetest when we need it most! LP :) xx

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 12th 2015 @ 6:45pm

Barbara....I had to go back and check what the title was...just in case I'd got it wrong!! Lolilol...as Lillypet says, we need laughs and smiles! Bear x

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