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I want to Be Alone (part sixty-seven). Wednesday August 3, 2016

Just as I wrote this title I thought, "I've done this one before." On checking, I find I have. That one was about Christmas parties; this one is about friends and family.

The thing I hate most about my bipolar condition is the way it makes me think I don't like my friends and family.

When I am in the mania phase I can't bear to be with anyone because everyone is so incredibly stupid! Even my friend Raz, with his genius level mathematical brain and eidetic memory, irritates me because even he is stupid. When I am down I can't even bear my own company, let alone the company of anyone else. I just exist, enduring one moment after another until eventually the great weight of the shackles and chains of depression lifts and I can feel again. Most of the time, I still prefer my own company. It's solitude, not loneliness. And, because I'm a writer, my brain is always occupied with stories and characters. So, in fact, I'm never alone.

My eldest daughter is a gift. She makes a point of hugging me every day and telling me she loves me. I tell her I love her too. I can't feel the love, but I know it is there. She views my brain with tolerant amusement: "Mummy, you do know that most people grow out of playing with their imaginary friends by the time they're - say – eight, don't you?" She regards my weeks (and occasionally months) confined to the sofa with resignation and my highs with pragmatism: "What do we have to do to make sure Mummy is safe from herself?"

But I still feel guilty. Surely it would be better if I had not married and had a family. If I had received my diagnosis earlier, would I have still married? Would I have chosen to have children; especially now I know that this condition has a considerable genetic component?

I can't answer that. It does no good to speculate anyway. I have the blessing of a loving husband and two lovely daughters. I am grateful.

And they have all learned to leave me alone for long periods of time. Yesterday, when I was rebuking my eleven-year-old for having disappeared for four hours without letting me know where she was (in a safe area, I hasten to add, and with two other friends, who were also similarly rebuked by their mothers), she said, "But Mummy – I was being nice to you: I was leaving you to be by yourself!"

Sadly, I can't argue with that. I could wish it were different, but it's not.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Antonella Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 6:48am

Mary, you want to be alone. Should I NOT reply to your blog, to please you? (By the way, I apologize if I am too stupid).

Mary Wednesday Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 8:10am

If only I could reply to this with an emoticon - the one laughing so hard tears are flowing! Of course you should reply! And thank you.

Orangeblossom Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 7:57am

Hi Mary, thanks for being so honest about the way that you feel. Hope that today is a good day for you in whatever way that you interpret it.

Mary Wednesday Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 8:12am

Thank you. I have Tom and Jenny and another friend arriving from Germany today. I am looking forward to being with them. Just at the moment I am in a good place and shall enjoy their company. Even when I am up or down I still KNOW I love my friends and family!

Mary Wednesday Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 8:12am

Thank you. I have Tom and Jenny and another friend arriving from Germany today. I am looking forward to being with them. Just at the moment I am in a good place and shall enjoy their company. Even when I am up or down I still KNOW I love my friends and family!

Orangeblossom Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 7:57am

Hi Mary, thanks for being so honest about the way that you feel. Hope that today is a good day for you in whatever way that you interpret it.

DAVE Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 8:35am

Dear Mary,

If you really believe and fully comprehend the Godhead, (denoting the three) The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost, and their exact role in YOUR life, you'd never ever feel alone or lonely.

I'm a 39 year Mormon, but that really makes no difference to anyone else, because if you believe in a God, whatever and whoever he may be, that's good if he teaches you how to behave and how you behave toward others....Why...Because there is only one God, the supreme being unto whom we may if we chose to worship.

Most Christian denominations believe in the God of Abraham.

But what unites all is not to which Church we belong, but (if we believe in the trinity or the three members of the Godhead) their exact purpose as the Godhead, and how we recognize their influence in our daily life.

I believe that Father and Son have bodies like us....But The Holy Spirit is a personage of Spirit....If is He who has the most influence in my life, because it is He who guides me to make honest and choice decisions, it is He (who through taking of the Sacrament, communion or Sacred Emblems of Christ) helps me with my prayers to God, through the recognition of that Sacrament,

Jesus Christ's role, He who suffered for me, that I, if worthy will one day help me with those around me, family and strangers, get back to God and be comfortable in their presence when my body returns to earth and my spirit back to Him, as having been baptized on earth, having all my past sins washed away but living an honest life and striving to help others so struggling with their adversities.

To me therefore the Spirit, or Holy Ghost is the most active in my personal day-to-day life, it is He who comforts me when I lie down at night, even though married (50 years) I am alone with my thoughts, as they turn to God at night and when during the day, take great comfort to realise, that He is, (apart from my wife and three grown up children)
The only reliable powerful influence which unite both God and Son, where all other mortals, fail they let you down, promise things which never materialize, but of course there are the few who love and respect me and of which give me the necessary faith in human beings I need.

It is down to me, to get myself in order, to live honestly, to be honest, and forgive myself, and NO MATTER, what others around me think or say, I do not allow myself to offend or become offended by what ithers say or do, because the Spirit is always with me....The ONLY time it is not, is when I allow the influence of others around to take me away from God in thought word or deed.

Which really means "The Spirit CANNOT withdraw without my permission". That is true blind faith.

Even if there is no God, No Jesus, No Heaven, if my belief is a big lie....for not one living person has passed through the vail and knows for sure.....

But I'de rather bet my life on my belief, and which besides it is a lovely way to live my life.....

Because......"If communicating is the key to UNDERSTANDING, we cannot consistently TRANSMIT.
But to RECEIVE, we must LISTEN, as there is OPPOSITION in all things, is that which keeps the BALANCE in our lives ! !

You in previous blogs emphasis in depth your personal difficulties, which are real to each one of us, but we've no need to feel, inadequate, lack self-confidence, feel odd or different, turn our thoughts introvert, be self-conscious, or even worry about who is and who is'nt stupid, we are all God's children all with different levels of intelligence.

If your at all worried, then worry about how to become a better YOU....with a lot of help from above....and watch how your life changes...because you become a better you and the yardstick by which you measure your spiritual progress is the reflected light in the eyes of those you serve and of whom you care.

Upon reflection, I have rabbitted on haven't I, I've got carried away, please don't be offend Mary or any one else by my personal blog, because it's how I live my life, and it's only MY opinion.


Duma Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 12:15pm

Very interesting and personal post Dave. Congratulations on your Golden Wedding! Personally, I walk with The Goddess. I'm in paradise, right now. I'm an atheist (but not a humanist). But, then I don't believe in the postman either, but I still get mail...

Sally Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 9:48am

Mary, that was so heartfelt. And positive. And true. Life/ moods are never simple are they, and you can't plan your life waiting for the optimum moment. Most of us just plough on, struggle through, and value what there is to be valued ( plenty! ) Optimum mood is the icing on the cake, the rest boring old Weetabix!
Sending you heartfelt good wishes for you to remain in a good place for a long period .

The Gardener Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 3:14pm

Hello Mary - a most mixed up emotion - wanting to see people then finding it taxing. We had the most dis-satisfied woman in the world living here. She and husband (super fun chap) moved from London to somerset and took a village shop. She said the natives were unfriendly. She moved to France (he integrated straight away) she said the natives were even more unfriendly - as she refused to learn French might have been a factor. She said her family had abandoned them, when they came to visit she could not wait to get rid of them, untidy and indecisive. She went back to UK to be near said family - they could not afford it - I think he became ill, could not get NH treatment quickly and could not afford private - we then lost touch. Greta Garbo was OK, (she started the 'I want to be alone' didn't she? Most aggravating 'celeb', Peter Mayle. Bought a place in Provence, wrote best-sellers and made a fortune - prices of everything went up astronomically as a result of his 'putting them on the map'. He then complained that tourists came and 'invaded his privacy'. He went back to California, I think, good riddance. I do lie antonella's response - should we be disturbing your peace? Hope you remain in a 'good place'. I don't want to be 'alone', just want peace from nagging - week respite coming up for Mr G - there are things to go to every night - and, I don't have to be up at 7.30 every morning for the nurses, delighted though I am to see them

Duma Wed, Aug 3rd 2016 @ 5:33pm

Hi Mary. Your post 'hit me where I live'. I had pre-tremors at 18, when I went to Uni (long story) and I ended up ketting kicked out of Med School (I actually wanted to be a GP, imagine...). Got diagnosed at 22, during my clinical year of a Prosthetics & Orthotics degree. That year took Three years, I passed the Prosthetics part (and the academic bits) with marks that would have guaranteed a first, even if I only scraped a pass in the Orthotics part. I was all lined up to be headhunted to Iceland for a research job (to quote Timbuck 3 - "Fifty thou a year, will buy a lot of beer1"). By my 23rd birthday (this is me getting to the point) I had made a 'final' decision - not to have kids.

You see, my number one trigger is disrupted sleep and kids well... genetic councelling and familial heretability sealed the deal.

Then my friends and family started giving me the role of Uncle (& even Godfather, I was greatly honoured) and I started to get a little broody.

As we Scots say 'many a miekle makes a muckle.

Now I have started dating a girl. a very special (to me) girl. She's young yet (32) and I'm passing out invites at the moment for my 44th birthday party. She's not broody yet, but "Tick, Tock goes the clock." Problem is - she's bipolar, which is wonderful in one way - shared experiences leads to shorthand, allowing painful, hour long explainations to be transmitted in a sentence or two, no drama, no trauma.

What to do? If I join the ranks of the 'breeders', the odds of producing a thouroughbred mega-manic are high! And we could set each other off...

...luckily, I am a pure manic (as I have mentioned before) and I reckon that that qualifies me as her 'rock', which seem to be what she is seeking in a partner.

I'm getting ahead of myself, but the relationship is progressing nicely, on course and accelerating at her pace.

Like I said, what to do?

PS, I ended up with the equivalent of an ordinary degree - Batchelor of Technology in General Science (a Jack of all Trades, basically) which took seven years!

Mary Wednesday Thu, Aug 4th 2016 @ 5:51am

apologies for not replying to comments yesterday: internet crashed. Thank you to all who took the time to say something.

Suzy Sun, Aug 7th 2016 @ 1:28am

Super post, Mary xx

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