"I don't deserve this"

Tuesday February 5, 2019

Rifling through my wardrobe this morning, to choose what to wear, I felt super-rich. Excessively so. (Even though I have no designer clothes hanging there, just the run-of-the-mill stuff). But that's a feeling I've had for decades. Ever since I started earning. I recognise it for what it is, and it means "I don't deserve all this!"

Rightly or wrongly, I've always felt a tinge of guilt when I buy myself something new. That small but insistent voice in my head berates me again: "You don't deserve this!"

I think it began as a pre-teen, this feeling of being unworthy, undeserving of love, consideration and respect. I told no one, and turned the feelings inwards. If I am good, I reasoned, people will treat me better. But they didn't always!

Yesterday, I had a small but saddening example of this during a telephone conversation with a family member. They interrupted me, to change to a topic of their choosing. I felt unworthy of being listened to, of being heard. It caused me stress.

Now don't get me wrong. Perfection I am not, believe me. I can interrupt like the best of them. But going back to the clothes selecting, it boiled down to the same thing. Fear. Of being found wanting.

How often does it happen to you (if at all)? A lightbulb moment when, although you know the person is being rude to you, interrupting, dismissing your point as unworthy of their attention, it taps into your fear of being undeserving of people's consideration?

Nevertheless, on my New Year's resolution list was:

Be considerate to myself as well as to others. Eleven months left to practise!

A Moodscope member.

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