Having been a serial jouster with depression and anxiety for a good 30 years, I now accept that my impressionability as a student some 30 years ago allowed the germination of my own 30 Year War.
Some 30 years ago an overdose of French 20th Century literature was received by my melancholic mind. This translated into "we are just filling time with activities to reach death, so why bother doing", coupled with "I am responsible for my life and there is no God". Add on some gritty post-war German literature – very anti-materialistic and questioning – and this was all heavy duty on a studious Scottish middle class 20 Year Old's shoulders.
No giving myself a break there. Coinciding with the premature death of my mother, I was catapulted into a "seize the day" philosophy, hurling myself into work to avoid the pain and frantic packing it all in in case I would die young as well. I had repetitive strain injury of the brain with Billy Joel's "Only the good die young" incessantly accompanying the bass line of "You are morally responsible for life. There is nobody to help you in this sole journey. You make your destiny". Go out there into Thatcherite Britain and make your Dad proud, pay back for all the education.
Of course I burnt out at a young age and never fully recovered as those beliefs were like an undercurrent anthem – unknowingly draining my energy and tormenting me. During the collapse phases, thinking and thinking about the futility of living, taking leaps and falling again, abandoning 'doing' as it just leads to pain and exhaustion, yet thinking and thinking just leads to anxiety. Dreams don't become plans or actuality. Anxiety and ingrained nihilism make sure of that.
And then in one moment of surrender, I turned my belief system round from "I think therefore I am" to "I do therefore I am".
Corny as it sounds it was my New Year's Resolution and an achievable one as well! Why make myself battle? The scratching of procrastination is to be silenced. Take the hopes and ideas and do.
"Start small, Lesley. Sow seeds in garden and watch them grow...Ooh that worked!"
"Start a guided freedance session, go on, get the music together, the theme, use what you have learned in the past 15 years about body awareness. Share the joy with others! It doesn't have to be perfect."
I can smile today. Just got a feeling that there's been a surrender in the 30 Years War. Nihilism has lost. A fair peace treaty is being reached with one clause:- "I do therefore I am".
A Moodscope user.