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I can't stop hoping and dreaming. Sunday August 14, 2016

These days I tell myself life doesn't get any better than this. Five years ago I met a really perfect man and my life has been like a fairy tale.... Oh yeah I am 47! So an old bride was I.

So, now, the other side of little ole me. I have suffered from depression all my life even as a child , however I do believe my sadness as a child was because my father was killed when I was only 3, leaving a bitter mother and five other siblings. As for me, I was the second youngest, a withdrawin child. I can remember being sad at that age, but I cannot remember anything else about that time, especially my father.

Anyhow, moving swiftly on - I was born with many talents - anything I try I am normally quite good at, (big head eh!!) however, I was born with a few particular talents - acting, singing and dancing, also drawing. So, tell me why at this stage in my life, do I still believe that some day I will be on a big stage receiving the applause I feel belongs to me.

I can't stop hoping and dreaming. As Kylie Minogue says "I just can't get you out of my head". But I cannot seem to do it! I will fill my time with anything - work, cleaning, drawing, any little projects other than what is in my heart.

What am I so afraid of? What's the problem?

Pauline
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Andrew Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 6:23am

Could it be a fear of rejection? Losing your father at such a young age, I suppose it is possible that deep down you are protecting yourself from being exposed to any feelings that resemble those the three year old you must have gone through. Losing a parent before the brain's emotional circuitry has fully developed creates a myriad of synaptic bypasses which are probably aimed at self-preservation (says me, a complete amateur, but it makes sense to me!!)...
So maybe the conscious you is giving in to years of the sub-conscious you that is protecting you from any further feelings of rejection... So the answer lies in overcoming that I guess. A re-wire, a by-pass of that deep self protection circuit, a new, confident, I can do this module installed, and bingo!!
Good luck.... Believe in yourself....

Moonlight Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:53am

Hi Andrew, I replied to your reply after your blog the other day and would be really grateful if you could respond, am anxious to know your thoughts. PS I wrote under a different name, can't say much more than that I am afraid.

Andrew Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 4:30pm

Hi Moonlight...not sure which comment on which post....?

Moonlight Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 5:28pm

a comment on Its the tone of your voice

Andrew Mon, Aug 15th 2016 @ 8:58am

have a look now....

Andrew Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 6:31am

One more thing...
A dream with a date becomes a GOAL
A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN
A plan backed by action becomes a DREAM COME TRUE!

Belinda Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 7:03am

Hi Andrew, may I ask a question? Why one needs to put a date to a dream?

Andrew Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 7:24am

You don't have to... Dreams can stay dreams... Many of the best I ones do. But setting a date helps to build a plan - like plotting a route to a destination... Small steps, bite sized achievable chunks, bit by bit, and dreams can come true. Dates just help motivate... In my very inexpert and humble opinion, and based on received wisdom from others and a (very) few personal experiences, the latest of which was a couch to half marathon six month plan earlier in the year)

Leah Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 7:55am

Pauline,
Thanks for your honest blog.
Have you ever joined a local theatre or musical group?
Talent is one thing but lots of experience is needed to hone ones skills.
Very few people go from the kitchen to the big stage in one step!
I am not sure what country you are in but their are shows like Britain has talent that encourage people of all ages to try their luck. Remember Susan Boyle? She finally plucked up the courage to leave her small village and the rest is history.

Only you can answer the question what is stopping me?

All the best. I would say have a go.

Hopeful One Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 8:04am

Hi Pauline- You ask "What is the problem"? One would say that the problem,from the facts that we have, is that,even though you are 47 , you have not really come to terms with or completely accepted that massive loss you suffered when you were three despite all the other good things that have happened to you since and which you acknowledge and accept .One feels that in your heart of hearts you have not completely accepted that what happened , happened. One feels that you need to convince yourself that the past is the past and nothing you can do or say will change a word of it. When that happens and you go through that gate marked "acceptance" you will free your mind of the fear of that loss. So to answer your question "What do I fear? ". One thinks, because of your past experience , that you fear a future loss if you chase your dreams and things do not work out. You do not mention it but one would hazard a guess that you suffer from anxiety as well.

You say " I can't stop hoping and dreaming" . Never stop doing both says Hopeful One.

And have an occasional laugh - that makes taking the pill a lot easier.

Mum was making pancakes . Her two boys , Kevin aged 7 and Colin aged 5 , began to argue over who would get the first pancake.Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson."If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

The Conficuis series will be resumed next week.

Paola Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 8:09am

It's the first time I write here, I don't speak English so well so I prefer to not write, usually. But today I saw myself in this post and I have the answer, an answer that costed me years of suffering, meditation, and hard work on myself to be found and accepted (because, yes, having an answer and knowing that it is right doesn't mean to really accept it).
I am good at writing. In Italian, of course. :D anyone who read my stories told me that I *have to* write a book, that it would surely be a success. I won all the literary contests I tried. And still, I wait. I wait because I don't have time, because I don't have a good story, because I'm not in the right mood, etc.
The truth is that I need this dream to live a better life now. Sometimes life can be hard, so I close my eyes and dream of this book, and of meeting other authors, and so on.
I dream, but what would happen if I tried to make this dream come true? I should work hard, and it isn't a problem, but it happens, when you work on something, to feel sad, to think that you can't do it, to lose hope. In these moments I usually have my dream to cheer me up. But what would happen if the moment of sadness was about that dream? I wouldn't have any safe place anymore!
And then, I would have to expose myself to the risk of rejection. Sure, it doesn't mean that I'm bad at it. Just think that J.K.Rowling had many problems with Harry Potter and now it seems that every person in the world has read her books. So rejection doesn't really mean that your work doesn't have any worth, but still, it's so hard to accept and makes you feel sad, failed, useless... And again, it would mean to see my only dream destroyed without having another one to make me feel better.
In the end, my conclusion is that my mind needs that dream to stay a dream. It is my safe place, my strength, my happy thought when life becomes too hard. It is a dream that has to remain there, as dream, because that's what I need most. Much more than proving myself that I can do it, much more than any money I can earn with it. It isn't fear, it is simply that I need to be able to think that my life can be better "if only". I don't need to change my life. Whatever I do, whoever I am, there are bad moments in every life. I wouldn't be much happier with more money or with a different job, my life is good now, except for some health problems that I can't solve. So I know that I would need a dream to feel better no matter the situation I live in.
I can be wrong, but I really saw myself in what you wrote, so I hope I gave you the right answer. :)

Leah Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 10:12am

Paola, welcome. Your English is wonderful I would not have guessed it was not your native tongue.Thanks for your thoughtful comment as it has given me a lot to think about. I hope we see a lot more of your writing on Moodscope.

Hopeful One Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 10:23am

Hi Paola- your English is far far better than you think. One feels you are an artist albeit as a writer. I have read and heard people say that rejection is part and parcel of being a writer. " If at first you do not succeed try try and try again" I cannot remember who said that. Remind yourself of the story of Thomas Edison who failed it is said 750 trimes before he perfected the light bulb. When asked why he persisted he said those 700 plus attempts will not need to be repeated again! In other words even in those failed attempts he saw success!

DAVE Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 8:23am

Hi Pauline,
It's very sad your youth without a Dad, I really feel for you, not quite the runt of the family, but struggling always to be heard.

But please don't look in the rearview of life, nor looking to far ahead, look to the NOW....That is where life is....
Also always remember you're a child of God, we are ALL equal, neither above nor beneath, no matter how materially successful we may become.

ACT 1...Now you have been blessed with these talents, and Leah is right start in an amateur dramatics group, and gain the necessary basic familiar experience necessary...Whilst there keep yor eyes and ears peeled for auditions in newspaper locally or afar, when sufficiently confident apply for an audition !

Never trying, giving up is for those who complain about their lot....

It is better to have ttried and FAILED, than to never have tried at all, if you are confident in your ability, you WILL succeed ! !

I have no doubt about that.

Forget about your past and your Bipolar, look OUT, NOT in, you've got the man of your dreams, and if he is a kind positive and concise rate person he will support you in all you do.

ACT 2...GO FOR IT GIRL AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

God Bless.

Dave.

DAVE Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 8:27am

Ps message for you Leah, left late on yesterday's moodscope.

Dave X

Leah Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 10:10am

Thanks saw it and replied late last night your time.

Sue Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 8:41am

Hello Pauline, I really identify with your life situation. My father died when I was 2 years old. A largish, all female family, struggling financially. Achieved a school scholarship, but too poor to take advantage. Had to start work at the age of 15. I was the clever, quiet, ignored child. I married the first man I met, so grateful to be loved. It's been an interesting life. Achieved a lot, a late degree (wonderful!), two unusually gifted now adult children. But I've always felt an alien, as if there was something I was able to excel at; but never knew what. Two marriages behind me. Now alone, still clever and reading, but with that continuing feeling 'what is this for', there's something I missed doing. Something not achieved in other people, nor in religion (something I believe human beings erected to pretend there was a higher reason for living - a cop out). and I think now, at my advanced age, that all this hinges on not having a father, whom I miss more as I get even older. Unconditional love in those early years must change one's whole life.

Eva Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 9:00am

Hiya, I think you can keep some dreams as dreams and turn some into reality. I can sing ok, did some lessons a while back and a concert it was amazing, but my ongoing passion is my life as an artist so that's my key focus. Singing may or may not happen again in the future if and when I have the energy. I wouldn't want to operate without drawing and painting.

Gardner, I left a message for you on yesterday's blog, and also Leah, getting round to answering a bit late...

Sheena Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 10:02am

Hi Pauline It's lovely to read that you appreciate where you are now, so refreshing! Perhaps you have, despite your talents, spent much of your life being dutiful rather than going for your own wishes? It sounds as though your current life would allow you to do what you choose - if you let yourself understand that that is fine! Sheena

Skyblue Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 10:56am

Hi Pauline. Such wonderful thoughts and advice you've received from everyone, all spot on in my opinion. At age 12 I lost my dad and it impacted my life in deep ways I've only recently fully understood. If i have any advice to give, it would be to seek counselling aimed specifically at that sense of abandonment suffered by your little 3 year old. According to Susan Anderson in her book 'Abandonment grief is a syndrome of its own. It is the way in which your fear and anger are turned against yourself that gives abandonment grief its particular character'. But the most important thing you say in your blog is that life can't get 'any better than this' so finally have a firm foundation from which to chase your dreams if you wish. xx

Pauline Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:33am

Thankyou so much for all the caring responses and for some. great advice, I will read over the messages a few times. As I get easily distracted when reading ergo reading has always been difficult for me????. Some answers to questions , I have Been doing amateur dramatic on and of for few years now but there appears to be a problem in truly committing to anyone of thing , I know that I am to critical and feel I nothing is ever good enough , I am always looking for perfection even though logic tells me there is no such thing ... It's just automatic for me and drives me crazy Errrrrrr!!!!????.

Pauline Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:38am

????????????????????????????????,happy faces for all the people who spoke kind words to moa!??????????????

Pauline Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:42am

OPPS!! No happy faces came up ?

Moonlight Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:49am

Hi Pauline, Yes you mention the word ' perfection ' I couldn't help thinking of that word when I wrote your blog. Also I lost my dear darling husband whenI was pregnant with my second child. So my eldest daughter was 2 and a 1/2 when he died.

I was quite worried when I read several of the replies to your post, when people have stated some of their problems have stemmed from this.

I think if you suffer from depression one is by default a very harsh self critic and this is a great barrier to working and reaching one's dreams. I can totally relate to your blog. Sad that your depression may be the reason why you are ' holding back'
but maybe realising this and knowing that this is the reason why you are not and have not yet fulfilled your dream may be the key to unlocking your dream goal.??

Moonlight Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 11:49am

Hi Pauline, Yes you mention the word ' perfection ' I couldn't help thinking of that word when I wrote your blog. Also I lost my dear darling husband whenI was pregnant with my second child. So my eldest daughter was 2 and a 1/2 when he died.

I was quite worried when I read several of the replies to your post, when people have stated some of their problems have stemmed from this.

I think if you suffer from depression one is by default a very harsh self critic and this is a great barrier to working and reaching one's dreams. I can totally relate to your blog. Sad that your depression may be the reason why you are ' holding back'
but maybe realising this and knowing that this is the reason why you are not and have not yet fulfilled your dream may be the key to unlocking your dream goal.??

Moonlight Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 12:00pm

sorry should have said whenI read your blog

The Gardener Sun, Aug 14th 2016 @ 6:13pm

Multiple choice reply. first, to Eva and Leah. Respite week was so good that 'back to normality' has reduced me to deep depression. My 'gardens' are lovely - 'annexed' one used after mass for a delightful farewell party to a nun. Sat in garden of one for sale today - have 'opened' it again, so can purr with the admiration. House on market 19 months - virtually no interest, except an English couple who got stuck in the Brexit fiasco and could not sell their British house. Re games - Mr G has been utterly scathing, life-long - of games, parlour games, charades, chess, crosswords, SUDOKO - he read, when he could not, 8 years ago, everybody moved in with super ideas - but once he could not read (this sounds mean, he only read what I called 'trash' his taste, but bored me) at least he read in French as well. I tried to introduce General Knowledge crosswords to do between us (he actually took to Trivial Pursuits) but that's stopped. I keep a computer in the kitchen and find him all sorts of programmes on line - does help - but as the illness develops his concentration lessens. I encourage visitors one way and another - but Mr G has never been a chatter - so 'peeps' give up. Today's blog, and dreams - being a star ballet dancer (crazy being a rather solid child) star tennis player - pilot a plane (expensive and not really fair to husband and 5 kids). I do love clothes and was top student at a Lucie Clayton course when I was forty - double that age I'm digging out same clothes and wearing them! As long as I stand up straight and do my hair nicely can get away with it. Huge disappointment (was not a hopeless dream) is publishing my historical novels. People who read them (they are in French and English) loved them - I went the right way round approaching publishers and got the stock answer 'no new authors, no historical novels' - what happens when all the current best-sellers (often pot-boilers, but publishers know they will sell - who is not going to buy latest Wilbur Smith, John Grisham, Jilly Cooper) die - where are their replacements? Currently have a dream of a salon - it's not an impossible dream, lots of interest, so watch this space!

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