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I can fight this demon. Tuesday May 26, 2015

The world has a funny way of changing you into the next person you are to be in this life.

As I have been ill these past few weeks with a chest infection, I have lost track of the two capsules a day I was to take of my antidepressants, only taking one most days. Yet, a strange feeling came over me with a reduction of the medication. Not worry I could go back. But courage.

I felt that I needed no help. Well no professional help. No psychiatrist or counsellor opening my files and putting me on show with a variety of outlandish assumptions about what defined me. I could do it alone. I would firstly learn to love myself. That is the key to all. Then I would work upon discovering triggers. Everyday. Non-stop. No rest. No relaxation. Stressful stuff! But that's It's how I feel about most things in life, without focusing on my depression each day, so why not be productive in my distress, eh?

I could do it.

Off my own back. Fight this demon.

And finally I realised. At first my plans were to destroy the deep blackness inside of me. Suffocate it with happy colours and style. But that is exactly how I fell into an earlier relapse last year. Pushing it further down.

It's not about storming in, all guns blazing, chucking the icy bucket of water over that dark ocean. It's about accepting it's their inside you. The harsh waves crashing against the shore. But just like the movement of the tide, coming in and out, there is a natural ebb and flow to the movement of emotions. Some days the ocean is lost in the horizon. Other days, its nibbling at your feet. Accepting that you will always walk alongside the tide is the first step. Yet the hardest.

I am grateful for that horrible cough. An incredibly insignificant moment in the grand scheme of things, yet it was the first stepping stone to effective recovery.

John
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 8:40am

I think some of the emails coming through now are becoming too long and hard work to read and sometimes are not uplifting enough, I want short , quick uplifting messages to give me a boost otherwise it defeats the object of me receiving them if im already feeling down!

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 8:42am

Hello John, what a fabulous post, thank you! I couldn't agree more with what you've said. And you said it so beautifully too. Glad to be travelling alongside you. Love from the room above the garage.

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 8:50am

I thoroughly understand your comment, especially on the days when I have little concentration. But I also find it an enormous help understanding more about each person who struggles as I do. Understanding their story, their success as well as their lows gives me a sense of belonging which, for me, is key to my own acceptance. This is a tricky one because I do understand. Perhaps the thought for the day would be useful or is that too short? Love from the room above the garage.

Hopeful One Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:02am

Hi John- this is cool! It was a small episode in your scheme of things but a giant step towards climbing out of the dark pit we sometimes find ourselves in. Best of luck.

Elizabeth Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:09am

Hello, sorry you have low days. Those emails, there are so many different people reading them for different pourposes and so many people writing them in a different ways. Uplifting is not the solely pourpose. I loved this one and would probaly love it even when down, because I love thoughts I can use. Yet I agree to certain degree, maybe there could be more of short messages, which everyone can read, rather then long stories for blog-lovers. Good luck to you

Melanie Lowndes Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:11am

Dear John, I really like what you have said regarding accepting your inner feelings are there inside you. To me you have described very precisely (and beatifully) the process of accepting yourself and your feelings and I feel this is the way forward for all of us. (There is a wonderful book called Letting Go by David R Hawkins - I am just reading it now - it seems to me to say the same thing - observing the feeling and letting it go bit by bit. Another way of putting it would be that to go in there with all guns blazing is to resist what is there - and I believe in a saying (not sure where it came from "What you resist, persists.") Thank you and best wishes, Melanie

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:01am

Perhaps acceptance, rather than fighting demons is an answer and more often suggested nowadays, for we are that deamon, we generted it or view things as negative. By fighting we fight ourselves and the important part in us that got lost in childhood and then called it bad, naughty, evil or that we had to pull up our socks or pull ourselves together. One needs to be brave to accept, sit with ourselves or float through the fear and wait patiently, but there are plenty of books that take you bit by bit as you go through it. In my experience fighting is all you get back as a result, a bigger fight.

Julia Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:05am

I am sorry you are feeling down today Anon 8.40. One's view of the world depends so much on how we are feeling on any one day doesn't it?. Well it does for me.Sometimes I find some blogs just too jolly; there's no pleasing some people!
It takes a lot of courage to write a blog and put your thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to read. I salute John today and all the other bloggers. I agree with ratg and Elizabeth too. I do hope you feel happier as the day progresses and will re read John's blog and take something from it..

Julian Blundell Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:05am

Hi John
Think you have some very good points to make, its very easy to hide behind the professionals and view the whole thing as some sort of battle.

Self acceptance without judging myself, one of the hardest things.

Jules

Julia Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:10am

Hi John. I am going to quote a comment Susan made recently on one of the blogs as it sums up my response to your great blog today. Here it is.. "I love how the universe works"

Julia Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:29am

Dear ratg. I love your idea of a beach bonfire get together. It's such a wonderful idea. Can we do it or is it just in our dreams? (Sorry to hijack your blog John)

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:34am

“It's about accepting it's their inside you”

How very true. And how very difficult! ;o) very much a work in progress, but it is good to know I’m not alone on this journey.

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 11:50am

Wow john you do seem to be be riding a crest of the wave at the moment. I'm not ready to get pneumonia to recreate your experience.
I've left it a couple of hours before posting, I've spent hours and days at a time raging at myself for the many faults I accuse myself of. Even while I do it I know it not a healthy response, it can become a spiral, ... Rage about raging......
But acceptance at the status quo has also seen my house remaining a tip for weeks at a time..
A middle road???l
.... Accepting some things need to change.
.....Accepting something won't change so easily, or are not in my influence.
.....Forgiveness of myself and others, now that one sounds simple, but isn't, which is a shame, because for me I think that forgiveness is vital to peace..
.. I wonder if there is something about recovering from physical illness that puts other things in perspective, I hope things stay well for you john. A.

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 12:26pm

Dear Anon @8.40 am...please contact Jon, who started Moodscope and check out his Moodnudges every other day. They are extremely helpful and maybe just the ticket to the light at the end of the tunnel on our long and arduous journeys. Above all, feel better soon and take care of yourself. Karen :)

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 12:34pm

Julia, hijacking abounds!!! I'm not sure it's possible, but there are so many contributors on theses pages I'd love to meet...I'm sure I'm not far away from Mary, and Jon ( Moodscope founder) used to live near me...but the worrier in me thinks no one would want to meet up with me in reality...cos they are all so flipping clever...I mean, look at the blogs they write!!! Clever peeps they be! But let's just imagine the fire crackling, the sun going down, the waves gently lapping the shore and worries drifting out to sea...and breathe.....Karen :)

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 12:40pm

Dear John, a very good blog which I took the time to read twice. You have shown immense courage to battle with, not against the tide, and it's as if the illness you had recently took over the depression, so you could concentrate on challenging your own perceptions of what life and depression is doing to you. Sorry, not sure if this makes sense now, but I think I know what I mean! Bear of liddle brain!
Keep well!
Karen

Julia Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 1:16pm

"....let's just imagine the fire crackling, the sun going down, the waves gently lapping the shore and worries drifting out to sea...and breathe....." if that's not an evocative piece of prose Karen, then I don't know what your clever means!! That would be all I would need as a back drop to meeting you and other moodscopers. It would make us all feel good about ourselves. Even me. (I live in Sussex) Near the sea, very near! Where's ratg when we need her!

Di Murphey Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 1:23pm

Dearest John ~
You are just the medicine I needed this fine morning. I love the way your brain works. Let's consider a "what if"? What if we treat our depressions like that wayward child who is difficult yet needs the only kind of love you might give ~ your own love. Bring it to the family gathering, set a place for it, and (maybe) even embrace it. After all, it is a part of you & is hungry for your/our acceptance.
Lovingly,
Di

Di Murphey Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 1:25pm

Dearest Anonymous 8:40 am ~
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Thank you for your honesty and for being a part of our community.
Lovingly,
Di

Mary Blackhurst Hill Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:21pm

Um - to Anonymous right at the top here... Guilty as charged! I tend to use every one of my allocated 500 words. Maybe we could do the tweet version at the top! And Karen my dear - I'd LOVE to meet up. Just email Caroline to set it up! I'm not particularly clever - I've just got too many words inside to keep 'em all contained so they spill out all over the place and make rather a mess sometimes!

Mary Blackhurst Hill Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:23pm

Hi John, I know this is late in the day - but thank you so much for this post. You're right: we need to accept our demons and to learn to live with them, while not letting them run our life. I hope we hear more from you.

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:26pm

Excellent blog, and I loved DI's response. Personally, I think you have to accept it before you can fight to move on from it (if that makes sense!). Regards, Freya x

Jac Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:38pm

Thank you john. This was just what I needed now. Isn't that amazing what Moodsc

Jac Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 9:39pm

...can do! I got cut off!! BUT. I still don't know how to do it..........

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:33pm

I'm laughing, beach sun downers a-plenty! I'm there...in my heart :-)
In my head I know I can't. I need more work :-( love ratg x.
p.s. Julia, I thought you lived in France...someone does live in France...or am I dreaming? Again.

Anonymous Tue, May 26th 2015 @ 10:40pm

Please can I come if you meet up?
Would love to ...
Frankie

Julia Wed, May 27th 2015 @ 8:17am

Hi ratg. No dreaming.. I live in the UK and France mainly UK:-)

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 9:44am

Reeeeally liked this. I've copied and pasted it in my notes. Thank you for reminder that it is all about taking care of the feelings eh! Accepting the feelings, looking after them and not running away from them. A great reminder but beautifully written too.
Suzy

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