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I can fight this demon. Monday November 24, 2014

The world has a funny way of changing you into the next person you are to be in this life.

As I have been ill these past few weeks with a chest infection, I have lost track of the two capsules a day I was to take of my antidepressants, only taking one most days. Yet, a strange feeling came over me with a reduction of the medication. Not worry I could go back. But courage.

I felt that I needed no help. Well no professional help. No psychiatrist or counsellor opening my files and putting me on show with a variety of outlandish assumptions about what defined me. I could do it alone. I would firstly learn to love myself. That is the key to all. Then I would work upon discovering triggers. Everyday. Non-stop. No rest. No relaxation. Stressful stuff! But that's how I feel about most things in life, without focusing on my depression each day, so why not be productive in my distress?

I could do it.

Off my own back. Fight this demon.

At first my plans were to destroy the deep blackness inside of me. Suffocate it with happy colours and style. But that is exactly how I fell into an earlier relapse last year. Pushing it further down.

But then I realised, it's not about storming in, all guns blazing, chucking the icy bucket of water over that dark ocean. It's about accepting it's there inside you. The harsh waves crashing against the shore. But just like the movement of the tide, coming in and out, there is a natural ebb and flow to the movement of emotions. Some days the ocean is lost in the horizon. Other days, its nibbling at your feet. Accepting that you will always walk alongside the tide is the first step. Yet the hardest.

I am grateful for that horrible cough. An incredibly insignificant moment in the grand scheme of things, yet it was the first stepping stone to effective recovery.

A Moodscope member.

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littlemissmenopause Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 8:37am

Hi John. Acceptance is key, isn't it? But it's also the difficult bit. Well done you, and bravo dear cough for playing your part! I wonder if not letting the weather get you down is a helpful analogy. We stand at the window wishing for heavy, grey clouds to pass and sunshine to filter through. Instead of staying indoors, perhaps we should grab our coat, step outside and make the most of the overcast days ahead. Accept it, for it is still weather after all, part of life over which we have no control.

mary Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 8:52am

Every good wish as you learn to live with demon while steadily reducing its power. My experience mirrors yours in that if you try to kill it the blasted thing pops up again, stronger than ever. Accept it, learn about it and manage it: that would always be my advice. Way to go, John. Great post and thanks for taking the time to write and share with us.

Tim Clayton Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 9:09am

A courageous and bold approach, John. I'm sure all the professionals would agree: desire for and commitment to self-change, through self-realisation and acceptance. The best line for chewing over is, I think, "walk alongside the tide". All best!

Julia Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 9:25am

It's quite liberating isn't it to make these discoveries? You are right John, acceptance of your self is so important and also the confidence to present your self to the rest of the world without apology.(Once you get over the chest infection that is) Go for it John I say.

Anonymous Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 10:40am

For me, thinking I can do it on my own is not always a healthy thing, for I have come to realise it is a chemical imbalance, along with a brain injury that is the causation of the depression/bi polarness I experience. I can do it for awhile, but then historicaly, I crash. That is not to say that a positive outlook does not get me through (some of) the rough times. It is definiately a trait I subscribe to. But professional help that I trust and takes my needs/wishes into consideration, in moderation, keeps me balanced. If I go forth alone, I will be alone.

Julia Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 12:32pm

This is interesting, what you say about the things that keep you on the right track i.e basically you need professional help and medication. It's so good to hear that you have these and are confident in them helping which obviously they do. We are all different and one of the things I have learnt from Moodscope is that either we are striving to find the help we need or like you, we have found what works for us as an individual whose symptoms are probably unique to us.

Anonymous Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 4:25pm

Hullo John, I wrote a reply this morning and lost the essence it was to say...I too tried to kill it with blocking it out and suffered horribly. Now, I walk with it and hope it will one day get bored and go. Meantime, it has led me to this little group of friends and so I have come to decide that silver linings are indeed real. Happy to meet you. Love from the room above the garage.

Di Murphey Mon, Nov 24th 2014 @ 5:32pm

Dearest John,
Yes. You can do it. You will. I applaud your courage and wisdom to be all of whom you are, and hope to become.

Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love, etc.) believes that we might consider making friends with our fears ~ welcome them ~ examine them ~ have them to tea. That this may open a floodgate of creativity ~You reiterate this in "walking alongside the tide." Inspiring writing. Thank you. We are here for each other.

Di Murphey

Victoria Abraham Tue, Nov 25th 2014 @ 12:20pm

'Hello darkness my old friend...' Friend is the operative word here because from aspects of depression I learn and view the world with differing perspectives depending on my moods. My darker friends bring compassion and understanding of others' pain and sufferings. But of course balance and acceptance allow for the natural ebb and flow that is life. I hope you will continue to grow and live and not simply be content with survival.

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