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I am nervous. I am frightened. I am sure. Tuesday December 16, 2014

I am going to tell you, my Moodscope comrades, something fewer than 10 people in this world know. On 31st December 2014 at 11am I am to be wed. This marks a commitment to another soul of which I believed I was incapable.

My relationship history is a source of shame. I have started and abruptly finished a number of relationships, leaving people hurt and somewhat bewildered. My sudden change from apparently loving girlfriend to mad doubting anxious fiend inexplicable to those I have run from.

There is no trauma in my past to explain this, I was brought up by parents who love each other dearly. Yet time and time again when I took the risk of committing, something happened within me. I began to obsessively pick faults with my partner, consumed with the idea they were trying to control me, that I would lose myself and I had to GET OUT. The voices telling me to do this got too loud and were ultimately intolerable. I never let myself express any of this as I thought it was wrong and not how someone should feel. So I put my game face on, behaved the way I thought I should, then ran screaming when it all got too much.

I hurt people who trusted me, who had opened up to me and allowed themselves to be vulnerable, because I couldn't open my mouth and speak. I built a wall between us because I couldn't return their honesty, I censored myself and my feelings therefore didn't give us a chance. I was selfish and thoughtless. I withheld out of some extremely misguided belief that to speak would break the spell and risk destroying everything. I eliminated risk, instead guaranteeing destruction.

This pattern has repeated throughout my current relationship. I have hurt the woman I will marry on a number of occasions, and she has stood by me throughout. She has forgiven me for things I am unsure I would be capable of forgiving. Time and time again she has told me I have to speak up, share my thoughts and feelings, that she truly wants to know. At times this has been a gut-wrenching struggle.

As someone who finds it difficult to say 'could you please do the dishes before you leave in the morning', sharing any doubts or fears is like stepping into the abyss. Only now I am learning to believe that she will be there to catch me. I am learning to speak and to trust – it is terrifying. It is liberating beyond measure.

On 31st December at 11am I am to be wed. I am nervous. I am frightened. I am sure.

A Moodscope member.

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Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 5:11am

I am humbled by your honesty, your trust and your love for your partner. You made me smile and I wish you every happiness. Together.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 6:17am

What a wonderful date for a wedding! I wish you both every happiness for the years ahead.

Netty. Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 7:03am

You have had a roughr time and you have shoen thst things do get better.You have found a soulmste good luck for your wedding.A New Ywar a new start.Congratulations to you both.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 7:48am

What a wonderful post to wake up to. Be happy Amy darling, you deserve it.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 7:56am

Thank you wonderful people, you've made me smile. Amy x

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 7:59am

Wishing you both every happiness and a shared joy

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:03am

Your self awareness and honesty are wonderfully refeshing. Be excited, stay sure and enjoy that special day and your hopefully long life together as a married couple.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:16am

Congratulations. You made my day. I could've been reading about me so Thankyou for sharing and reminding me that it is possible to find a someone who won't let me destroy a good partnership. Hoping you have a perfect day

Rupert Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:21am

A very strong post Amy and straight from the heart - I read it several times to take in all the nuances. Good luck on 31st - can you keep us posted as to how it is going..? Thanks. Rupert

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:23am

Oh Amy, his wonderful of you to be brave enough to share this; brave enough to let it all out; brave enough to trust your partner; brave enough to care and love - brave enough to be loved in return. Be brave on 31st December and for the rest of your lives together. After 34 years together, 30 years married a few weeks ago...we all have to be brave to cope and share everything that life has thrown at us.
May today be the start of the rest of your life and New Years eve be the beginning of your lives together. Best wishes, to you both and your families, Karen x x x

Liz Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 10:07am

Yes I too really enjoyed reading your blog, your honesty is very refreshing. My husband was like that with me. He died and I miss him so much. It is testament to your love for her that you have been able to open up and divulge your feelings. I am very pleased for you. All the very best and I hope you have a wonderful life together.

Mary Blackhurst Hill Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 12:05pm

Wishing you every happiness. May your love for each other grow stronger over the years and as you navigate the bumps along the road. Lovely post: thank you.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 12:05pm

Just because you can't remember things that happened to you when you were a child doesn't mean they didn't happen. Telling us is a good start. Try investigating CBT or for free go to an Al-Anon group and see just how many people are feeling just how you do and how they behave, then you will begin to understand and find a way of changing things.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 4:07pm

Best wishes to you both! Buy some thick comfy socks to wear the night before just in case of cold feet. ;)

Hilde Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 6:16pm

Very touched by your open piece, I wish you all the best together but seems like that is already just what you got there!

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 7:13pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. I still find it terrifying to share properly with my partner. How does one divulge that their head is screaming at them to run away and that the relationship is wrong wrong wrong? I've been trying to find someone else who has had these feelings....thank you x

Anonymous Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:16pm

This totally resonates with me. In fact it is almost as if that it was me writing this blogpost. It got better now with me as well, though, I still find troubling times.

DawnC.Ritchie Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 8:35pm

Its like me also. I was married for 12 years and hardly asked him for or to do a thing.

"consumed with the idea they were trying to control me, that I would lose myself and I had to GET OUT" This was very true for me, I can't stay me in a relationship.

I'm glad you have found someone who you can trust enough with you heart.
Long may you both smile :D xx

Caroline Ashcroft Tue, Dec 16th 2014 @ 9:24pm

Congratulations Amy from all at Moodscope.


Anonymous Wed, Dec 17th 2014 @ 2:00pm

Reading that was like reading my own relationship history - put more eloquently than I ever could. I have married the love of my life after a similar past which left friends and family doubting me and doubting my ability to make my own judgements. I hope you have the support of those who matter to you and I wish you all the best for the future. I have been married for over 3 years and we have had some big struggles, I just want to tell you that there may be hard times but that doesn't mean you need to run .... I have learnt that now. x

Anonymous Thu, Dec 18th 2014 @ 12:29pm

Hey Amy, many congrats.

I am open with my wife that once every six or seven weeks or so, everything in my being - except my will - tells me our relationship is wrong and I have to end it.
This process ended every relationship I ever had prior to this one. I was determined not to befall the same fate this time, paid for private CBT for three years and here I am, married and for six out of every seven weeks, happier than I thought possible.
There's always a breakdown, though, and each one is a harder one owing to the success I've had. I know I have GAD, I know it's 'the chimp' but I still can't accept that it happens.
I'm in the middle of a cycle now and it feels like it will never, ever end, but it probably will in a few days. Until the next one.
Would be keen to see how anyone else/if anyone else fits in with this experience as for a long time I felt I was the only person alive having it!

Katie Sat, Dec 20th 2014 @ 7:56am

Dearest Amy,
Thank you for your brave post; sometimes I feel like that, so it makes me feel normal that I'm not alone in having schizophrenic épisodes with the people I love and care about the most. Happy Wedding. Wishing you and your partner lots of love and success.

Joanna Akhgar Wed, Dec 31st 2014 @ 8:59am

You are in my thoughts today, Amy. Enjoy your special day - you deserve happiness.

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