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August


I am far from perfect. Saturday August 16, 2014

First of all: English is not my mother tongue, so please excuse any wrong words, any strange sounding sentence or just the fact that this text will not be perfect.
There we are, this is what I am struggling with. I am far from perfect.

I do not expect myself to be perfect; perfect meaning without any fault. I just expect myself to be more often my better self than my sad, depressed, destructive, idle, angry, non-productive self.

That is why I do not think that it would just be enough to stop wanting to be perfect. I think it is a good thing, that I do not want to be the depressed me.

There are all these simple truths out there, which sound reasonable: just be yourself, you do not have to achieve something to be loveable, your friends love you just the way you are, do not judge your feelings... and many more. It all sounds very nice.

But I can not find it logically:

When I am just myself, I am most of the time struggling with me and everything around me.
When I do not achieve anything - like doing sports, have some results at my job, not arguing with my boyfriend – I feel like I've failed.

My (not too many) friends sometimes do not like my negative attitude (and I understand).
I think, when I just accept my bad feelings, I will give up fighting them; because it is much easier to just let it happen. To be angry, to explode, to just lay around, to be impatient.

Instead I find my truth more logically: I am not a very happy person, thus I have to try to be a better person in order to become happy more often.

This is what I try to do every day to become a better person, to find the best possible way of being myself. On bad days it just means stopping myself from thinking that the world would be a better place without me. On the rare good days, it means that I am even able to make somebody else happy.

On days like that I actually understand these simple truths. Then, it is not about achieving something, judging my feelings or wanting to be perfect. I just am. And it is fun.

Remembering that those days exist, helps a lot on the bad days and with trying to become a happier person.

I hope all of you have those good days to remember. And I hope that for all of you the good days are far more often than the bad days.

Have a good day today.

Susanne
A Moodscope user.


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Comments

Anonymous Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 9:14am

"When I am just myself, I am most of the time struggling with me and everything around me."
Susanne, you have summed me up. And I like feeling that I'm not alone in feeling that way. Thank you.

Anonymous Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 9:15am

^love from the room above the garage :-)

DebsV Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 12:13pm

Thank you...I too relate so much to that statement. Acceptance of that is what I'm now working on, that there will be bad days as well as good. I've been fighting it for years and it's just exhausting and self destructive, adding only to my sense of failure and not feeling like I measure up. I'm no there yet, but your share has helped me feel less alone too. Progress not perfection, baby steps rather than giant leaps :)

Di Murphey Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 1:51pm

Susanne,
Many thanks for your blog. I have a really silly part of me that declares "I am perfectly imperfect!" Then I double over in laughter when friends & family call me a "perfectionist".

I am not certain why, yet the silliness and laughter seem to take the edge off of trying to make my world more orderly. It is my belief that out of order comes harmony, which I crave. Alas, it is a messy world indeed.
I really like that you see the beauty in simply being yourself.
Lovingly,
Di

Anonymous Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 3:06pm

For someone where English is a second language, this piece is so beautifully written. It resonates and is moving. And what a great message. Just try to be a better me.

Anonymous Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 3:08pm

Di, I call myself a recovering perfectionist. I wonder if the striving for perfectionism is one source of the depression. In case you haven't read it, Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection is a really good book.

heather Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 5:49pm

Oh how difficult it can be, trying to be a better me,
Trying to help out friends in need without my partner getting peeved,
And where's a friend who is there on the phone
When I am feeling lost and alone ?

Di Murphey Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 9:23pm

Oh, thank you, Anonymous! Yes, I have read her works and I love them. Great minds . . . Di

Anonymous Sat, Aug 16th 2014 @ 9:41pm

Yes I agree your English writing is better than mine. Very well done.

Anonymous Mon, Aug 18th 2014 @ 8:29am

Thank you so much for all the nice comments. You made my day. Love Susanne

Anonymous Mon, Aug 18th 2014 @ 10:46am

HI susanne, we are none of us perfect there is no such thing (thank goodness) I actually like people better when they display depressed symptoms, I find it more realistic than some psudo upbeat uber positivity that some people seem to express?

Also sadly, others do not 'love us the way we are', or, people accept us as we are, people put massive and unreal expectations and ideas of how they want and would like us to be, and in society at large you are to be a total success for people to accept and want to be around? It is no wonder that given all this expectations and unrealistic ways to be that people are depressed?

kind regards Poppy

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