How I worked my way out of depression (Part 2)

15 Mar 2019
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Part 2 of 2

Moodscope was a blessing: every day, I couldn't wait to read the new article in the morning, where I read about people going through the same "sickness". I found myself in those articles. The tool gave me a way to be more in control of how I was feeling: I could see a chart that put in an image the way I felt in the last days, appreciate my good days and understand my bad ones.

Slowly, I got myself out of it. Slowly, things in my mind started to feel and look better. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life. I had to fight myself to win my life back. There were some relapse moments, but I was much more confident I could overcome them. I know now how courageous I was to battle it alone and I also know it is a powerful illness that needs to be known and talked about.

Depression is a horrible place. I believe no one can truly understand what a person going through a depression is thinking or feeling, other than another one who went through it. This is why I choose to speak about that time in my life whenever there's talk about depression or suicide. This is why I tell depressed people they have to be gentle to themselves, have patience and keep fighting. It's a long and horrible journey, but the prize at the end of it is worth it. And the prize is our beautiful life.

I have gained an appreciation of life that I didn't have before all this happened. The moment I realized I got out of depression, I felt so incredibly proud and powerful. And worthy to live and be loved. A veil had been lifted off my mind and I started to see the world in such wonderful colours. I felt I had crossed on the other side of the abyss and there was life there.

Please, love yourself and know you are worthy to live and be loved. Please ask for help and you will see that you will receive it.

With all my love,

Camelia

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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Comments

Molly

March 15, 2019, 12:48 a.m.

Dear Camelia It is great that you got through that bad time in your life. But for some, it’s a life long illness. For me at the moment an every day battle, but before it became that it would come and go, never went completely though. So whilst you share your blogs with the winning technique and how to beat depression, I believe yours was more down to circumstances and you cannot compare that with people who suffer with it regardless and relentlessly. Well done for coming out of your dark hole but many don’t. Molly xx

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Maggie May

March 15, 2019, 6:36 a.m.

That was my reaction too Molly - well put. It was good to know Moodscope helped someone in such a dark place - I have never been that low thankfully.

Hopeful One

March 15, 2019, 9:07 a.m.

Hi Molly- may i ask if your depression was called endogenous depression or cyclothymic depression as both these varieties seem to fit your symptoms?

Dragonfly

March 15, 2019, 10:26 a.m.

Dear HO, this is interesting. I really relate to what Molly is saying but I've never been diagnosed with any particular type of depression. I know it's not the latter though, having just Googled it. My GP has told me that I've probably a genetic disposition towards depression which has been affected by external influences/life events. I'd love to get myself out of how I feel, but my previous attempts some years ago were to no avail. As I've tried to explain to people who've no experience of depression, sometimes the blackness is just like having a physical pain. It comes out of nowhere and is as unwanted as toothache, for instance. Unfortunately it can't be helped as easily.

The Gardener

March 15, 2019, 11:25 a.m.

When I wrote a book on 'manic depression' in the 70's it was 'endogenous' or 'exogenous' I believe. One, obviously, from great physical suffering (flu is a noted generator) grief, or the inexplicable mood swings, i.e hormonal, and female.

Molly

March 15, 2019, 2:30 p.m.

Hi HO, that’s a question and a half. It wasn’t called either (just severe depression) by professionals but you are probably right about it being both. I’ve suffered with depression since I was a teenager. It can be a small trigger and sometimes nothing at all but a big event like a relationship breakup would floor me and I would have a complete breakdown and I know I have more of that to come with inevitable life events due to the depression. I was diagnosed with cyclothmia and borderline personality disorder a few years ago. My circumstances now are of course not helping the depression so I’m getting little release but on the odd day (occasionally a few days) that it goes away, I feel like a different person and that I can cope with anything. But it always comes back. It’s complex and scary as I feel I would have been a stronger person if I hadn’t been dealt these cards. As Dragon says it’s a blackness that cannot be explained to a non sufferer. I feel almighty judged by people. Not on here though which really is a life saver. Gardener is right to mention hormones as well. I went through an early menopause but who is to know what is doing what. It’s a minefield. Thanks Jen and Dragon and thanks for asking HO, this is my short reply!! Xx

Hopeful One

March 16, 2019, 7:36 a.m.

Hi Molly and Dragonfly - Thank you for that information. Its clear that you both have tried all the remedies you can but the Black Dog comes back. I was struck by this phrase in Molly's reply -'inevitable life events due to the depression'. May I suggest, if I may ,that in my opinion it is the other way around. We all have life events big and small (in Dragonfly reply it could be a toothache) and its the belief we develop about them that leads to depression. These beliefs can be so ingrained almost in one's DNA and so very hard to change. However they must change if the depression is to lift.In a way that is what depression is telling one.Depression is a hard ruthless task master or teacher and it will come back again and again and again until one learns the lesson it seeks to teach.Please understand that I have complete emphatic understanding of how you both feel having been there myself.

Dragonfly

March 16, 2019, 7:59 a.m.

Dear HO thanks for your usual insightful reply. There is that saying: 'it's not what happens, it's how we react/deal with it', but some life events are so traumatic, perhaps at a young age when we don't have the resources to rationalise or cope with them. I wish I knew the lesson my depression was trying to teach me. My head currently feels so physically unwell I feel I can't even attend class to learn - and that's really not meant to be glib, it's my reality.

Hopeful One

March 16, 2019, 9:07 a.m.

Hi Dragonfly- Thank you for your comment. I fully accept what you say . Depression is an enigmatic and very personal condition and so there is no ‘one size fits all ‘ remedy. But at the heart of it ,to put it in a nutshell ‘ depression is telling one to stop focussing on the cloud and instead try focussing on the silver lining for every cloud has one. My trick for, what it’s worth , is to debate a negative with by putting a ‘But ‘after it and inserting a positive ( this may take an effort to begin with). So I might say ‘ I have an awful toothache which will depress me but I will take an analgesic for now and book an appointment with a dentist.”. Equally every positive thought is followed by an ‘and’ . So then I will say “ and I will ask the dentist how I can prevent the next one” .Nothing great in itself but do this ever time and I promise you will start feeling a change.

Dragonfly

March 16, 2019, 12:13 p.m.

Thank you HO, I will make efforts to implement this advice. I've had a few free life coaching sessions lately and she advises jumping straight to the 'and', but I suppose it's a case of getting there by whatever route; finding that silver lining x

Hopeful One

March 16, 2019, 2:32 p.m.

Hi Dragonfly- you got it! There is ALWAYS a silver lining but sometimes one has to look hard for it. . Best of luck .

Molly

March 16, 2019, 2:46 p.m.

Hi both, HO I think you may have misunderstood me about life events, I meant the depression makes it much harder to cope with major events, hence I know I’m prone to further breakdowns. I want to be the person that copes better but I’m not because of my mental make up. As Dragon says some things have already happened and caused permanent damage. I think low self esteem has a big part to play. With the ‘buts’ and the ‘ands’ I feel I already do this to an extent with some things, it’s a constant battle in my head, trying to relieve the depression. Sometimes it’s a case of accepting the way things are because I don’t believe every cloud does have a silver lining. Some things we can’t change for instance. Also I can wake up one day with the same problems, challenges etc, maybe even more, but I won’t be depressed. I then see things in a different light. I will ponder more on what you say but I do wonder personally just how much control I have over the beast xx

Hopeful One

March 17, 2019, 7:03 a.m.

Hi Molly Thanks for your detailed reply. I would like to comment on some things you say if I may? Apologies if I misunderstood you.I accept that ' depression makes it much harder to cope with major events '. I accept too 'that somethings have already happened' but I have doubts if they cause permanent damage. Our brains have an enormous capacity for self repair called neuroplasticity (you might need to google that one). So given the right conditions these changes can be reversed. You say 'its a constant battle in my head" . I believe the reason for this is that you are trying to solve a problem that has a lot of emotional content with the left brain (if you are right handed) which it unfortunately cannot solve.The left brain is progressive,logical,analytical and linear. It is good at computing how one can get from A to B say if one is going somewhere. But when it comes to a problem with an emotional content the efforts of the left brain will move B further and further away from A. One needs to harness the emotional,intuitive,creative and compassionate ability of the right brain which in depression is generally suppressed from expressing itself by the constant analytical chatter of the left brain as it tries to solve the problem depression represents.The simplest and the most effective way of redressing this balance is meditation or mindfulness.Even 10 minute a day will start making a change if you are willing to try it. I regrettably do not agree with you that "I don’t believe every cloud does have a silver lining." It will appear so when one is in the heart of the cloud as it completely obscures the silver lining but believe me there is ALWAYS a silver lining.Lastly you say "Some things we can’t change for instance" which is true but what we CAN change is how we choose to see those things.The big question for me is -Are you willing to change?.Apologies for a long reply.

Molly

March 17, 2019, 2:22 p.m.

Thank you for your reply HO. I have to disagree with you about permanent damage. A lot of mental illnesses are caused by our childhood experiences. Also how can every cloud have a silver lining when for instance health is concerned. I don’t see any silver lining with the fact my husband can hardly walk or bend. I don’t see any silver lining about the fact I spend most of the day on the toilet. How about financial worries? I’m still battling the benefits system and if I lose my house, where is the silver lining in that? I do meditate and it does help a bit. Do I want to change you ask. I really don’t think it’s that simple but I appreciate you trying and I do find it interesting what you have said about the brain xx

Maggie May

March 15, 2019, 6:59 a.m.

Hi Camelia, I too can’t wait to read the blog each day and find so much comfort and support from Moodscope. Coming out of a depression really does make you appreciate life , and you describe this so well in your blog. I think the support offered here is becoming more and more supportive, with all the lovely people fighting this terrible illness sharing and supporting anyone wanting to share their own personal life story and experience here.

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Molly

March 15, 2019, 2:44 p.m.

I agree Jen, the relief is immense, whatever kind of depression it is. I used to get longer periods without it but now it’s become almost permanent. I even used to get slight highs (not massive ones) but I don’t get those anymore either. Yes the support on here is amazing xx

Vivvles

March 15, 2019, 5:14 p.m.

Yes congratulations on your perseverance Camelia and I am pleased for you that your depression has lifted but I do agree with Molly that some people suffer from depression for no reason and it is relentless. I believe there are many types and degrees of depression. I was originally diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder after a horrendous psychotic episode that resulted in my being sectioned for 10 days - a truly frightening experience. Then after that, despite a cocktail of medication and counselling, every month I would be suicidally depressed for around 10 days, then swing manically high for around 5 days, settle to a more normal mood only to fall back into deep depression again. This was exhausting and scary and had huge repercussions on my life. I had to leave my job. The drugs caused me to put on 3 stone (depressing in itself) It went on for many years until 4 years ago a new psychiatrist suggested I come off lithium and all the other drugs including antidepressants and try sodium valproate. I had always been scared to change my medication in case things got even worse (could that even be possible?) but something made me switch. The rapid cycling subsided, the depression lifted. I started to feel more stable, ‘normal’ again. Sure, I would suffer the ‘blues’ once in a while but they were more reactions to life rather than the crippling lows I used to experience and the crazy highs when I couldn’t sleep, spent lots of money and seemed to have 10 conversations running in my head in one go. At this point although I recognise I am fundamentally really low I can see there are understandable reasons why and it is not the same chemically imbalanced depression of the past where the actual connections in my brain seemed to be broken. That depression was a truly physical as well as a mental illness and nothing shifted it. So I think I’m saying even someone like me labelled as Bipolar can suffer from ordinary low moods in reaction to life events.

Molly

March 15, 2019, 7:18 p.m.

Interesting Viviane. A very good way of explaining. I want to say more but I am all drained out. Thank you for this, it’s very helpful. Love to you xx

Isabella

March 15, 2019, 7:08 a.m.

Thank you Camelia, I needed the reminder. I feel I’m slipping back into that darkness at the moment....but this time I recognise it and am doing all I can not to fall. I talked to my homeopath yesterday....wonderful to have an hour for it all to pour out...she’s a great support. I’m going to take care of myself and will avoid people and situations that upset me, and stick with those people who care. Thank you again. Xxxx

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Cami

March 15, 2019, 1:28 p.m.

Thanks Isabella! The good homeopaths are so helpful sometimes: they listen and, maybe unknowingly, become our tame version of a psychiatrist :) I forgot to mention how much going to a homeopath has also helped me. She was treating my 10 years old severe acne and got completely cured in one year, but also helped ease my soul in the meantime. Keep going to yours, that's all I can say:) And as long as you know you're closer to the darkness, it's good because you can do as much as you can to prevent it. Please never give up! xx

David Gosling

March 15, 2019, 7:23 a.m.

MOODSCOPE AND PERSEVERANCE OF LESSONS IN LIFETIMES OF MANY

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Mary Wednesday

March 15, 2019, 7:27 a.m.

Thank you, Camelia. Your words give so much hope. You are right that it is difficult for anyone to understand it if they have not been through it. My daughters already distinguish to me, "Mummy, don't worry: I'm just sad, not depressed." They know the difference. Your blog is inspiring.

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The Gardener

March 15, 2019, 11:29 a.m.

Mary, this is my current real battle. I am sad, for many reasons, but I am NOT depressed, and, having been labelled so, struggling to tell myself I am OK. Being realistic, and NOT seeing others as depressed (teenagers in particular) is vital.

John

March 15, 2019, 7:59 a.m.

I like encouragement. Thanks.

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Orangeblossom

March 15, 2019, 8:33 a.m.

Hi Camelia, many thanks for your blog on depression. They are very heart-warming & loving. I feel enfolded in a soft, cosy blanket after reading it. It filled me with hope & encouragement.

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Cami

March 15, 2019, 1:29 p.m.

Sending you lots of love as well!

Jul

March 15, 2019, 8:49 a.m.

Hello Camelia. Your two blogs have made me realise that there may well be two types of depression. The type you experienced which you describe so vividly and which you came out of. Then there's the other one (being very simplistic here) where people suffer lows and highs throughout life, mainly lows which never really go away however much we try. Our depression and I include myself in this type almost becomes us because it's with us daily. I know the medics and experts have classified many types of depression within probably both categories but the more I read moodscope comments and blogs and get to "know" many on this site, I would say that our daily mental struggles are commonplace and somewhat different from your experience. Your blog will give hope to those who have been in a very very dark place and contemplated ending their lives, that it is possible to survive and enjoy life again. I really wish you well and am so happy you are now in a better place where I know you'll stay. You know what to do to help yourself. It worked and you have learnt skills which you never knew you had. Well done. Jul xx

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Molly

March 15, 2019, 3:40 p.m.

Hi Jul, such a good comment, you explain it very well. When I had my first breakdown, I swore I would never let it happen to me again. Unfortunately it did. The only saviour being I was more aware of what was happening to me. I was fixated on something I thought was much worse than what it was, but the depression was lying to me. It helped me to understand this but didn’t perform miracles. It took me years to realise that things that upset me were absolutely magnified ten times over xx

Dragonfly

March 15, 2019, 4:42 p.m.

Jul has explained the differentiation well. Molly, you've mentioned a few times that once you've realised that your depression has made a situation feel worse, then it's lessened the impact. I certainly don't want to take that away from you and wish I could understand it/feel the same. I've a situation I just can't get past, in fact I hang on grimly to quite a few things. People say to me 'rise above it', or 'put it behind you' but I find that I can't because I feel a sense of injustice. It's not about revenge, but I ask why there are complaints procedures and the like if people should always just 'put things behind them', rather than seek redress. And perhaps if such a thing happened to those advising me, they might feel equally hurt and it's not just the depression driving my pain. Sorry if this has got confusing and there are probably no answers really x

Molly

March 15, 2019, 6:03 p.m.

Lovely Dragon, for me it just takes the edge off a particular problem because I know it would feel less awful if I weren’t depressed. So it is a bit like picking up the cup and putting it ‘over there’. Perhaps we can call it the depression cup. Although it depends on the situation of course. I’m so angry with things out of my control with the authorities, I don’t blame the depression for that, but I’m trying to let it go because it’s now made me physically ill and more depressed. I guess some people cope better than others with these things and different circumstances. For example if my husband was well and working, a whole weight would be taken off me (but I would still get depressed) so it’s kind of about how things affect us much more because of the black dog. If we realise that, it can lessen the impact? If that makes any sense xx

Dragonfly

March 15, 2019, 7:08 p.m.

Hi Molly, it does make sense but I still find it hard to implement. I just get entrenched in my feelings and find it hard to gain any perspective other than the hurt I'm feeling. I'm not really lovely at all. I've become angry, spiteful and bitter because I see people who've hurt me get on in life and however much I have thought I was at least a kind person, it's got me absolutely nowhere. I'm completely lost. But then again, who said life was fair? x

Molly

March 15, 2019, 7:51 p.m.

Dragon, the people who have hurt you, that can be a different kettle of fish. I’ve had it with my family, it doesn’t seem to phase them but it bothers me every day. It’s so difficult to separate what is bad behaviour by others and what is us overreacting. I think we are just sensitive to everything. But that doesn’t mean to say there are not cruel people out there. I can assure you that you are lovely dragon, I think so much of you, please do not let the ******* get you down ***

Jul

March 15, 2019, 9:53 p.m.

I have just been reading your comments Molly and Dragonfly. I'll write something tomorrow about my take on it all. Sleep well and see you tomorrow. Jul xx

Sylvia

March 15, 2019, 10:43 p.m.

I so want to get on with my life, but find it so differicult to do anything different l am living the same old rubbish, even my ex husband got tired of me and walked out.

Molly

March 15, 2019, 10:52 p.m.

Thanks Jul xx will look forward to your input. Dear Sylvia, I am sorry to hear that, please do join in and let us know your thoughts, we are a supportive lot on here xx

Valerie

March 15, 2019, 9:22 a.m.

Hello Camelia.What a great blog,and it will have given heart to anyone who feels life will never be worth living again.I hope you know enough about yourself and depression to know when to take extra care of yourself.If you get a relapse it does not mean you have failed.I agree with Jul's comments,and even though you are well now you may be particularly sensitive to stresses. I watched a new Ricky Gervais series on Netflix yesterday,After Life.Very dark but funny,and honest about how pointless and ugly everything can seem when suicidally depressed.Not for everyone,strong language.***

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Rosemary

March 15, 2019, 10:40 a.m.

'Even if you relapse it does not mean you've failed ' I like that Valerie , thank you. Whenever I relapse I feel I've failed; somehow let myself down. Your words are heartening. x

Valerie

March 15, 2019, 12:03 p.m.

Hugs xx

Cami

March 15, 2019, 1:50 p.m.

Thank you Valerie! I have had a couple relapses and now recognising the signs from a mile away. I saw the relapses as 'challenges' and 'tests' for me to see what I had learned from the first hit. And felt prouder of me every time I managed to get to the other side again. I learned not to blame myself , it's enough that it seems the whole world is against me sometime, why would I join their ranks and leave me helpless by blaming myself? If there is going to be only one person that will help me in this world, that will always be me! Taking care of myself, just like you said...even now, more than 8 years after. It was the lowest point of my life and never want to experience that again. I know it's different for everyone and maybe I was really lucky. Humour, and later on, dark humour that scares some people around me, has helped indeed, so I will check out the series you suggested:) Lots of love!

Molly

March 15, 2019, 3:58 p.m.

Valerie, if that programme is anything like one flew the cuckoo nest, I will hate it. I had a bipolar friend that loved it and I just couldn’t understand this! Xx

Valerie

March 15, 2019, 6:28 p.m.

Oh I just loved that film and the book.Just to tempt you,the Ricky Gervais series has a lovely German Shepherd,and it's the only reason that the main character is going through the motions of living.I have only watched the first episode.Be warned,unless you are a potty- mouth like me,you may squirm! ***

Molly

March 15, 2019, 7:38 p.m.

I do love Ricky Gervais (dry humour) and German shepherds and I’m not fussed about language, so I will give it a go! Xx

Blackcloud

March 15, 2019, 10:28 a.m.

Hi Camelia, I have been reading blogs for a while but this is the first time I have commented. I wonder if I will ever be fixed and be able to come through the other side. Can I cross the abyss and see the world in all its wonder. I aren't sure I can, the days are dark and there seems little hope of the veil being lifted. I guess your blog has made me realise more than ever how different depression affects different people. x

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Cami

March 15, 2019, 1:38 p.m.

You don't need to be 'fixed', you are great just the way you are. You just need to figure it out too and you're not there yet. Depression does affect people differently and I hope that you can overcome your struggles. I know for myself it can be done, please don't give up, even if it means seeking professional help! I've tried things that made me feel ashamed of myself in the beginning or that I didn't know I have the strength to do (reaching out to family, saying out loud to a friend that I have depression, dragged myself outside in nature when all I wanted was to crawl under the bed and die). But I did all these and now feel amazed every day of how curious life is, that it can hit you to such lows, but lift you to such wonderful moments...I said I don't want to forget about my lowest point, because now I know I want to live and I have the power over my own life. That is something unique, no one else can offer you that. I wish you all the best and please, do one thing today to lighten the 'Blackcloud'. Lots of love!

Rosemary

March 15, 2019, 10:30 a.m.

I love the positivity in your blog Camelia. I too felt a renewed appreciation for life. There was a lightness to my outlook and even though I have relapses, I better recognise the triggers now and can nip them in the bud before they become a big ugly monster. Thanks for your brave honesty. X

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The Gardener

March 15, 2019, 11:34 a.m.

Thanks Camelia. I find I am really guilty of 'self pity'. I am thinking like my Ma, great on 'just deserts'. I think 'after going through the last five years why should I have more unhappy aggro?' Because there is no rhyme or reason on the amount of happiness or unhappiness. Thinking that after the agony of coping with Mr G's Alzheimer for 5 years I should have a glowing sunset to my life is cloud cuckoo land, stop harping on the past, toute de suite! xx

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Sylvia

March 15, 2019, 10:46 p.m.

I so want to move on from this horrible exsistance and live, l am getting to the latter stages of my natural life that l feel like my being here is just me not wanting to carry on.

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Molly

March 15, 2019, 11:05 p.m.

Oh Sylvia, I am so sorry to read this. I’ve seen your name pop up a few times recently, do you feel you can tell us more? We are here for you. Life is so tough but Moodscopers are so supportive. Keep talking if you feel able to. Sending a hug xx

Dragonfly

March 16, 2019, 11:23 a.m.

Hugs from me too x

Rosemary

March 16, 2019, 1:20 p.m.

Dear Sylvia, I echo what Molly said - we're here if you feel you want to share, it does help to have the support of this wonderful group. I've said before but try to keep hope in your heart. HOPE = Hold On Pain Eases, even when we think it never can. Hugs from me too ***

Hopeful One

March 16, 2019, 7:46 a.m.

Hi Camelia- a wonderful story and you did it all by yourself!

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Sugarandspice

March 16, 2019, 10:40 a.m.

Thank you for the second part Camelia. It is good to read that you came through that awful time and are feeling so much better. These strategies you write about help us all in recovery. Some of us will always be managing our mental health and need all the encouragement to feel motivated to do this and to keep going through all of life's challenges. The feelings of being unworthly at times feel constant and like a battle with my mind all of the time. Through allowing my mind to get the upper hand I have made some choices that have made staying well more difficult and have made my life more difficult than it needs to be. I am at a point where I have to take charge and stay well. I am lucky that I have had a good a full life but am full of regret and shame right now which always seems to pursue me and cause me difficulties. I hope that in a years time I won't be still saying the same thing i am now and that my life will be full again and I will be able to live an ordinary(not normal) life which brings me joy without my mind telling me lies.

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Nicco

March 16, 2019, 2:10 p.m.

Camelia, thank you for your blog. I'm so glad you found your way through your dark place to a much better one. I would like to comment more but am so tired at the moment - husband (my usual carer) is still in hospital & took a step back yesterday & now not able to stand or move without tremendous breathing problems so he's back on a stronger intravenous antibiotic (the first one was affecting his kidneys, & he had a bad reaction to the second one they tried) & he's back on the oxygen. I go to the hospital every day to see him & am having to cope with things at home alone. I'm not complaining as the care he's receiving is wonderful, & I'm somehow finding the strength to go to the hospital every day to see him, but I feel so tired as also am having to cope with my own usual disabilities of various kinds & waiting for various further tests. I agree with Molly & Dragon that depression can be relentless. My worst one was one that lasted 3yrs without a single respite - I was suicidal every waking moment of every singlr day for 3 solid yrs & i never want to go back there - just thinking about it petrified me. And when I have an episode I'm petrified it's the big one I'm never going to come out of. But I have to tell myself I'm much more knowledgeable now & know a bit more about how to treat it & cope with it - well, I don't cope as such, just ride it like a roller coaster until the nightmare subsides a little - just enough so I can hang on to my bootstraps. I know it's different for every one but sometimes absolutely nothing seems to help. So sorry, I don't want to put a 'dampener' on your lovely positive blog which is really encouraging, especially for those feeling they can't go on at the moment, but I'm just saying it as it is for me just now - low grade constant downer along with bone tiredness which I have to try to be positive about & tell myself this will lessen sometime at some point. I alao have ro find the strength to smile, be positive & encouraging when i het to the ward, too which is challenging - sorry, I don't mean to sound moany. The constant scratching by a very annoying & persistently bait-resistant pesky mouse in my loft isn't bl**dy helping either - its been about 4wks now & pest control have been twice at great expense & to no avail so will have to think of a plan (b) or even (c), - any ideas? And i hope this awful bl**dy gale blows itself out soon, too. (Sorry, about the bl**dys!)

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Dragonfly

March 16, 2019, 2:42 p.m.

Hi Nicco, I think bl**dys are quite restrained all things considered and I'm sure you're allowed quite a few. I hope the new/different meds help your husband and he recovers well. I felt I put a bit of a dampener on the lovely, positive blog, but it's brings to light our own feelings and struggles. I don't think anyone here has been anything other than admiring of Camelia's strength and resilience. You say your husband is your usual carer, but you've also mentioned your daughter recently - can you turn to her for support and help at the moment? You have so much to contend with. Even the effort of having to smile and be positive when you visit your husband is a huge emotional cost. I'm sorry to hear of your previous experience which sounds so awful but how resilient you are too to have come through it and know that you now have the tools to ride the storm. I know what you mean about such an experience leaving a shadow though. Sorry, I don't have any suggestions to get rid of that pesky rodent, other than sending a cat up into your attic to catch the little blighter! xx

Molly

March 16, 2019, 6:28 p.m.

Bless you Nicco, you have a lot to cope with. Going to the hospital every day is really hard whilst dealing with things at home on your own. I’m sorry your husband is not doing so well. Let’s keep positive that they sort him out. I’m heartened by your three year experience as mine has become that sort of time now and I see no way out. Whilst my depression is clinical, circumstances are feeding it and I pray to see some light where I might have more time off from it as it used to visit me for shorter periods of time. We had two mice in our kitchen, ****** things. My husband has a particular phobia and we were on edge all of the time! Pest control did sort it out for us, we used the local council, and they didn’t charge too much. No other suggestions especially if it’s in the loft. But do take care of yourself and as Dragon said I hope you are getting some support for you. Keep talking! keep strong! Xx

Nicco

March 17, 2019, 12:48 p.m.

Thanks Dragon & Molly. A neighbour is offering to lend me a trap in which I can place tasty treats to try & entice the little varmint - think I can use the kitchen steps to stick my head in the loft to position it - here's hoping as it's directly over my bed so driving me nuts! Well, I lost it last nite - arrived at the hospital late, stressed & agitated. My daughter was already there, telling me to calm down etc (it's the walk from the car to the main entrance that does me in - a porter then wheels me to the ward but they're not allowed to go outside). When i exert i get twitching & spasms down my keft hand side (which is why im seeing neurology as they think it maybe MS - hope so as would explain the other weird symptoms i'm getting like burning in my brain before a depressive attack, but the appointment's not til May). My daughter was telling me off saying I do too much (I'd spent the day in bed & still felt exhausted) so i told her & my husband (who was saying the same), to shut the f**k up or I'd go back home again. I didn't mean to be so horrid but I get annoyed when people don't listen to what I'm saying & jump to their own conclusions - they thought I'd done too much & was telling me off for it like a naughty child when I'd done nothing at all ((except get out of bed, washed & dressed & driven to the hospital which i suppose is quite a feat considering there are times I can't even get out of bed!) Having said all that, he did look brighter & more with it, less pale & is now off the pain killers, so that's good, but his oxygen level is still low despite being on extra, & temperature still a bit high but he's no longer so clammy so I think he'l be in for a wile yet until they can get all his obs right. My daughter & her partner reluctantly helped me with installing the new fridge-freezer & microwave (which broke down just after husband went I to hospital - sod's law!) They both work funny shifts & she seems so begrudging when I ask for help that i'd rather try & do stuff myself - which is actually giving me loads of confidence as I'm doing things I never thought I could do as gradually over the years husband took over everything (he didn't like me doing things as he got annoyed if I got ill after doing them because of being diagnosed wth ME & fibro) so it was easier to just let him do them. Everything is a fine balance i'm finding. Thank you both so much for your support.x

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Molly

March 17, 2019, 3:54 p.m.

I have only just seen this response Nicco. I don’t get notifications anymore when someone has responded. You are doing great by the sounds of it. I guess everyone’s emotions are running a bit high. Hugs to you, I will go back to today’s message! xx

Liz

March 18, 2019, 11:14 p.m.

I've been reading lots of comments above and it's clear just how supportive we can be to each other yet most or all of us have never met. It strikes me as weird that I gave so much time in my younger life to people who just weren't worth it - trying so hard to be liked and popular by work friends, seeing real c**tish behaviour in people who were supposed to be my friends, being shat on by some family ("blood"), and working out who was really there for me after the bereavement of my mum, which was the most single painful thing in my life I've had to go through because she was alcoholic, didn't want to be here and as my brother not so impolitely put it a few weeks back "f&cked me up" (thanks Bro). We all have our own pain and I do think that some of us just can't quite push through the mire... some of us put our heads above it just for some other people to step on it. Not here. All I've had is positivity and if I have been challenged, it's been in a way to encourage change. All of us are real on here, a refreshing change from the airbrushed fakery of social media. We're warts and all and I wouldn't change anyone here on it. We all have so much experience and comfort to offer each other. It has made a difference to my life. I suppose if I'm honest at the back of my mind I always think to myself "uh oh it's bumbling along okay what is going to be thrown into my path" but I'm trying to ignore that voice. I do know that in the past I have suffered from depression, as well as low mood (which I probably worried was going to go into depression at times), anxiety, OCD, low self esteem and I have body dysmorphia, which sucks, but I'm trying hard to work on that one every day. I think we are all going to find different things that work for us... and recognise hopefully things that don't, and triggers that if we can avoid, then for the good. I'm in that delightful stage of peri-menopause... the bit where everything that you wanted to stay upright starts to sag, the brain or at least the memory starts to shrink and things that wouldn't bother you before start really grating. The desert island in my soul is a welcoming place to retreat to if only I could work out how to get there. Apologies for the ramble...

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Liz

March 18, 2019, 11:19 p.m.

Meant to say post-menopausal. The ship has definitely sailed away and probably sunk somewhere off the coast of Scotland!

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