Moodscope's blog



Hope. Tuesday November 17, 2015

Hope. One four letter word but vital. Two months ago my marriage ended, I lost my hope, I didn't think I'd ever feel better. In an effort to conquer the pain I focused all my hope on doing a university course, thinking if I could get through that I could overcome.

Then anxiety came a-knocking, took any hope I had and any confidence in my abilities. I felt hope-less; crushed by the critical voices I withdrew from the course and I am so disappointed with myself.

The anxiety has engulfed me, encroaching on every area of my life. Questions flood in... what am I doing with my life? Will I forever be stuck in dead end jobs because of my anxiety? How will I ever feel OK in my own skin again? How do people do life? How do they have faith and push forward and achieve?

Right now I feel I have forgotten to grow up. I'm 33, living in a friend's spare room, working two jobs that do not allow me to use my skills. Broke, lost and scared.

But the other day I remembered about hope. I have that little 4 letter word tattooed on my back, done in a dark time over 10 years ago. I was hope-full then, that the depression would lift and I would come back to myself.

Right now I am struggling to find hope in things, I feel boxed in by my fear. Thoughts come thick and fast - You are pointless. You are worthless. You will never get a good job. You will never achieve anything. You will never see the world because you're too broke. Your friends will leave you because you're a drain. No-one will want to know you if you're honest about how you feel.

I search online for quick fixes - I try mindfulness, positive affirmations, exercise, pushing through, in a frantic and flighty way. Hoping something will stick and save me from myself.

This morning after a fairly sleepless night I was ready to throw the towel in, take to my bed and surrender. But I found a glimmer of hope, I'd booked a yoga class and arranged to see a friend. If I could only get up and out then maybe just maybe it would help a little.

I did it. I went to yoga. I saw my friend. I was honest about where I'm at. She encouraged me, gave me hope. Bolstered by this I took the next positive step and braved the shops to buy a box file to sort papers I have had lying on the floor since I moved 4 weeks ago.

Small triumphs, little steps. Reasons to hope for a brighter day. I'll keep you posted.

What gives you hope in dark times?

Love from

Down the well
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Barbara Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 5:30am

Dear dtw,
I HOPE you wrote this a little while ago, and are not right at the bottom of yr watery resting place. I HOPE you have edged up just a little. I HOPE u have seen those handholds on the sides, and managed to raise yrslf a bit.
I KNOW, as u did when u had that tattoo done, that hope never truly vanishes. You got thru that ten year period, without looking at yr back too many times. I KNOW u will recover, and rebuild yr life, because I can tell u are stronger than u think. You feel crap right now but this will change. You'll feel better when u can get yr own place again, for a start.
Don't worry about the course: you were just trying to do too much too soon. But that's a GOOD sign, cos it means you have spirit. Spirit(s) can go up or down, as we know. But if you are lucky enough to have them, they never really go away.
LUCK had a part to play in what has happened in yr life. No one is lucky all of the time. Good luck will return in due course, and when it does, you will make the best of it.
Have FAITH in yourself. You will win through.
With much sympathy,
Your Moodscope friend,
P.S. Evidence of yr fighting spirit and your self-care skills ... You sent a beautifully written appeal for help to just the right place. xx

Zareen Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 6:21am

Thinking of you as you grapple with the difficulties. Hang onto the hope!

Belinda Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 6:28am

Dear DTW,
Thank you for sharing. It must feel really tough. The blessing is that you had positive thoughts even when you were so low. The really good thing is that you shared. Encouraging others despite your position.
You tried big steps and when they failed you tried little steps. Guess what they are both steps.
As my mug of tea says 'Keep calm and carry on'.
One of the worst things is fighting the negative words coming. They are there for you to believe, or rise above. They don't have to be true if you can rise above them. Use them to spur you on.
Be gentle with yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
You can rise, and take others with you.
Bless you

the room above the garage Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 6:31am

Hello dtw, this is great! A real solid note to saved you and yoga (and friend) was the bolster. I too would try all kinds of stuff to feel better...but if you pick ONE and give it your all, it might just be a new path for you. (And I need my own advice today!!) I hope yoga becomes you're go-to to help strengthen you. One

Sally Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 6:55am

You are so brave, DTW, sharing such thoughts with us. You need to know how much we ( I) at Moodscope value your honest account in very difficult and painful times for you. It is a gift to be able to share so openly how it feels. I can only say well done and affirm that I personally could not have done it at my lowest. Xxsally . Go well, every day little steps and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You are worth it!

Nick Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:14am

Small triumphs and little steps. xxx

Lex Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:18am

Down the well...
I look up and see...
A little patch of blue sky...
Smiling down at me...
And then from the walls...
A little echo reverberates...
The voices of my Moodscope friends saying...
You're never alone, we think you're great.
(OK, it's not Keats, but we do love you - and your posts. Lxx)

Lou Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:26am

This is lovely, Lex!

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:42am

Wow, Lex, great poem! Frankie

Lex Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 12:14pm


Lou Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:25am

Dear Down the Well,

I am asking myself some very similar questions!

BUT! I was inspired by your post, because all I heard (read) was an amazing fighting spirit. You're NOT giving up, you are looking for ways to help yourself - you are FIGHTING! As an earlier poster said you are on here, asking for help! That's HUGE! I think it is hard to see that and see what you ARE doing when life is that tough and the Gremlins are chattering in your ear.

I am going to take hope from your post today and focus on what I AM doing what I HAVE achieved and wish you the ability to be able to do that too.

It sucks being in this place sometimes, but I love Moodscope for showing us we are NOT ALONE fighting the Gremlins!

Sending hope and hugs,


s Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:36am

Your post inspired me to write something to you dtw which is something I very rarely do, however not exactly sure what to write. Than you for the hope

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:16am

S, you're here and that's what counts. x x

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:52pm

Welcome S if it's not too late, it's special for people to post who normally wouldn't thanks for being here :) LP xx

Linda Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:39am

Dear Down the well,
Keep trying. Each day is only as good as you make it. I have such great sympathy with you. My husband left me unexpectedly after 33 years for a younger woman five years ago when I was 65. Half my life had been spent with him and his family and I thought I would never recover. It's taken a long time but I'm now coping and realising that its my life I am controlling. I would never say its easy to pull yourself from the darkest of places, but it's do-able!!You have the great benefit of being young and I often wished he had hurt me when I was young.. but that's what I have to accept and I am feeling good. You are free now to be the best you can be and that is in your hands and happiness and contentment will be yours. I have used Moodscope for a long time and it has been so helpful for me to see my downs and ups and just to write my feelings to myself. I have never shared with buddies though some people find that helpful...but when I look back I see my progress. This is the first time I have written on the blog and I truly wish you strength and joy for the future. It's there...just keep trying. Much love to you.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:34am

Welcome Linda. What a fine response to've overcome so much and have given much hope to all. Bear x

Hopeful One Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 7:48am

Hi Down the Well- so courageous of you to post. I too somehow found that courage when I lay on my back at the bottom of a deep valley called depression sometime ago. Next to death in the family, divorce is the most stressful event in our lives,moving house is the other.However I never lost Hope that things would get better that things would improve(that was my affirmation every night). This poem, which I know by heart and recite often and the source of my moniker, helped me immensely. I would like to share it with you.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gales is heard:
And sore must be the storm
That could not abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I have heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in all extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:17am

Hi HO, that is a beautiful poem, thank you for sharing. Bear x

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:54pm

Beautiful awe inspiring! LP x

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:15am

Morning DTW,
I really related to your blog and admire your clarity. If you have hope, which you do, your eyes will be open for the opprtunities that the universe will provide and the ideas that will come to you for more small steps you can take to move forward your life.

I admire your awareness, too that as persistent as these negative thoughts against ourselves can be, you recognise them for what they are.

Your confidence has taken a blow and it is early days but you have the foundations for continuing to create the life that you want.

Whatgives me hope is having FAITH IN ME, that I will have good days and I will, overall be moving forward. What ever I do I dont let go of wanting to feel well, whether or not I,m able to do the nice things that do me good, I dont lose sight of wanting to get (what I call) "back on track".

Yoga is so good for many aspects of our wellbeing, thank you for inspiring me to practice a little more often and for reminding me how simple and lovely it is to catch up with a good friend.

You chose the perfect tatoo! Hope is a lovely name so is Faith,
You've inspired me to think about how creating something beautiful artwork maybe, that can be added to over time, based in those two words would be such a wonderful way of seeing the small and simple things that create a beautiful life and watch it as it grows. Thank you. LP xx

Norman Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:34am

Dear dtw (great moniker! I usually say "down among the dead men" which sounds like something my granny would have said.) This is so spooky: 20 years ago I was in a similar position, divorced, unemployed, depressed and living in a short-life (read derelict) housing co-op.

Strangely enough my depression lifted as I channeled my energy into fighting back, which is exactly what you are doing. Eventually I got a career established, my ex-wife agreed to my son living with me, and I bought a house for us. From the bottom of the well, all you can see are the stars...

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:22am

That was part of a poem or a song we used to sing when we were very young...'down among the dead men' ve odd! I hope what you have written here helps DTW to see things can be overcome...may take time, but you got the chance to share your life with your son and that's fantastic. Hope the dry days are continuing...nearly three weeks!! Looking good for you Norman! Bear :)

Norman Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 1:25pm

Wow!Perhaps it was a long-buried memory of singing at school? Three dry weeks tomorrow! Four weeks ago I would have told you it was impossible (in fact that's exactly what I told them then.) However I have been convinced that this is the weakest link in the vicious circle. How's the back pain?

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 2:54pm

Ah that's amazing! Funny old song!!! Yay, three weeks tomorrow...woohoo...You must be so proud. I am chuffed to liddle mint balls for you. It's absolutely brilliogs! Back pain isn't as bad as last week thankees, but it's still there...the nagging liddle blighter!

JD Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:35am

I'm in the same boat right now. Living in a hostel. Feeling like I've lost everything. I never post, but you made me feel compelled to today. Thanks for that. You gave me a bit of hope. x

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:25am

Oh hi sorry your not in a great place, but you are warm in the hostel and I hope you feel a bit more cared for. So glad you have responded today..we are all here for you...and Down the Well has given great hope without realising it! How fab is that? Bear hugs x

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:04pm

Welcome from me too JD! So true Honey Bear about what DTW's blog has achieved today without realising how many of us would gain from it! There is always hope and all is not lost. There is a lovely little book about new beginnings. Where you are physically, posting on here and the hope from today's blog are the seeds of new beginnings JD. LP :) x

The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:37am

Dear Down the Well - I have been there, often - and hands have pushed me out again. And I've got to 80! lex's magic words at the end of yesterday's replies gave me the first good night's sleep for a long time. I said 'this son had given me worry and anxiety for decades, you can't do anything by worrying, stop it'. Story telling - what magic. And I'm going down the dump. That gives one hope? Yes, because just as you are going to attack your papers I will attack the mess I've been dithering about - decisions - that will never be used again - I can't be bothered with France's equivalent of 'car boot sales'. Gradually (or less gradually if I can 'convene' some mates) I will have two tidy, beautiful houses - even a hoover might get pushed about - nothing lurking in corners to annoy me. Same with the corners of your mind - I've been tempted to take all photos that generate agony and sad memories off the computer - but no, they stay - they are history - there were such very good times - and, clinging to hope, there may be good times again, different, but to hope for. You've got an enormous adjustment to make - won't be any quick fix - you are very young - so much to do - I started writing when I was 40, and went to Uni when I was 50, moved to France before i was 60 and became the town's historian (and started 'opening' my garden to the public, hence the nickname). So, where life is concerned, you are at the beginning - every morning is a clean state - the saying, over-used, take it a day at a time is very true. Courage, a big shove upwards and hope.

Alice Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:51am

Well said TG. very positive from you. A new tone. Well done! xx

Leah Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:42am

Gardener, Is your age in metric or imperial!!?? As you know I am a great believer in late bloomers. I see you writing the book of year in the next 10 years. I can see you writing a book of wise advice, memoirs, fiction. Always enjoy your comments.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:27am

Late bloomers...are they peeps who develop later? Late flowering plants...or knickers that haven't arrived???? Tee hee! I am hopeful that one day TG will have written a book or three and sent them out to us - they'll be fab!

Alice Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:01am

Dear DTW, I can only echo what others have said. Well done for expressing and sharing, and making that supreme effort to turn your life around. Be kind to yourself as you keep striving. You will get there and who knows, life could be even sweeter in the future. I strongly believe that the universe has a way of making things work out. Believe, that it is all working perfectly, even though it may not feel like that! I too have been there and I think that I might have become a better person as a result, I know I am happier! I wish that for you too, much love, Alice xx

Maria Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:22am

Hello Down the well I know how you feel I suffer from anxiety very bad and have days I can not even get out of my room. I have a lot of those same feelings as well but what does give me hope is my 7 year old child if I didn't have her I am not sure what would give me hope she helps to make sure I get up to get her too school as at the moment I can't even really think of myself as it can be quite negative but if I think of her I have hope as I want to do better for her but I still have those days which I do get disappointed in myself but I just have to think it is a bad day and I am allow that once in awhile or otherwise if I don't I will do it again and again. I have started to keep a diary which I find does help a little and put all my thoughts down a day and my routine to show that I can do things even if it is not big things

Maria xx

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:31am

Hi Maria, I've been wondering how you are since your very sad post a few weeks ago, when you weren't able to get your daughter to school. I'm glad you have started a diary...especially putting your achievements in doesn't matter how big or small they are, write them down and think what it took to get you to where you are now. Is there a family member living nearby who could help on days like the ones where you cannot get out? Or a friend? They'd be more than happy to help I'm sure, when they know...but you do have to let them know how bad things get and ask for help. Jon wrote a nice piece on Moodnudges yesterday about asking for Bear hugs x

Maria Mon, Nov 23rd 2015 @ 8:13pm

Thank you for your support I have talked to a few friends about this but none really live nearby. I live with my mum and brother but can't really ask them for much as mum is not too well and my brother has a disability. Not been too well today so was not in work but I did bring my child to school so I suppose that is a positive. I have been to the doctor but there was not really much support he showed me he seem like he didn't really care. But I am trying to stay positive but my daughter keeps me going I don't know what I would do without her but I do hope you are well?? X

Leah Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:48am

Down the well,
Thanks for a thoughtful honest blog.
What gives me hope- I suppose believing in myself, which can be hard at times.I think knowing I can get through the present pain as I have dealt with pain in my past.
As Gardener said, you have your life ahead of you and plenty of time to do a university course when the time is right.
Please be kind to yourself and keep praising yourself for all the progress however small you make.
Take care


The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:31am

This is for all you sufferers from depression, incapable of the tiniest thing, even getting up. This is not a 'dare' but just from the height of my great age (thanks Leah!). Keep a diary - write down everything - your weight, the weather, world events - look back 30 years later and you will be gob-smacked. Having written a 'clarion call' to action I thought a bit of practicing what I preach would be good. Yesterday afternoon I laid on the sofa in the excellent 'family room' supplied by the hospital and cried all through Mozart's Requiem. Then Lex's reply, and blessed sleep. The 'day room' I cannot cope with - TV on all the time (all the people in there can cope with). But the agony, stroke victims, a quite young demented man but not dangerous.(My husband gets upset that this man keeps trying to come and join us - he wants to listen to our music). A man who cries like a baby, a woman who calls for the nurses to let her free. They all (Mr TG as well) have to be restrained - they forget their weakness and would fall badly if they stood up, and the hospital/home would get the blame. Now, my kitchen shines, my bookcases shines, I've dusted the lovely pictures of the two kids who gave me such agony yesterday. Have new camera - can't work it - off to neighbour, gossip and deal with camera. Vacuumed stairs and hall. But - I'm tired. Down the Well is the same age as my eldest grand-daughter. Next lesson for obstinate old woman -IF you're tired, have the SENSE to stop. Knitting and listen to France Musique. I cannot 'challenge' depressives - worst therapy - but find something you can achieve/enjoy - walk, music, and note it down. Perhaps tomorrow when you look at what you have achieved today (even just the fact that you survived it) and write, write, write, best therapy out. Moodscopers suffer because I write as fast as I talk, and I am a notorious talker! Good luck to you all. Now, what music shall I listen to with Mr TG this afternoon?

The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:32am

This is for all you sufferers from depression, incapable of the tiniest thing, even getting up. This is not a 'dare' but just from the height of my great age (thanks Leah!). Keep a diary - write down everything - your weight, the weather, world events - look back 30 years later and you will be gob-smacked. Having written a 'clarion call' to action I thought a bit of practicing what I preach would be good. Yesterday afternoon I laid on the sofa in the excellent 'family room' supplied by the hospital and cried all through Mozart's Requiem. Then Lex's reply, and blessed sleep. The 'day room' I cannot cope with - TV on all the time (all the people in there can cope with). But the agony, stroke victims, a quite young demented man but not dangerous.(My husband gets upset that this man keeps trying to come and join us - he wants to listen to our music). A man who cries like a baby, a woman who calls for the nurses to let her free. They all (Mr TG as well) have to be restrained - they forget their weakness and would fall badly if they stood up, and the hospital/home would get the blame. Now, my kitchen shines, my bookcases shines, I've dusted the lovely pictures of the two kids who gave me such agony yesterday. Have new camera - can't work it - off to neighbour, gossip and deal with camera. Vacuumed stairs and hall. But - I'm tired. Down the Well is the same age as my eldest grand-daughter. Next lesson for obstinate old woman -IF you're tired, have the SENSE to stop. Knitting and listen to France Musique. I cannot 'challenge' depressives - worst therapy - but find something you can achieve/enjoy - walk, music, and note it down. Perhaps tomorrow when you look at what you have achieved today (even just the fact that you survived it) and write, write, write, best therapy out. Moodscopers suffer because I write as fast as I talk, and I am a notorious talker! Good luck to you all. Now, what music shall I listen to with Mr TG this afternoon?

The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:35am

Stupid 'doubling up' trying to edit what I had written when I had 'signed off' resulted in a copy - sorry about that, folks.

Leah Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:19am

Gardener, not stupid, just proves technology one, Human nil!!! If my parents were alive they would be in their mid 90s! so I think you are quite young and ever so young at heart. I have always kept journals, or scribbled on any paper I can find. Cheers.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:42am

Dearest DTW...over the last year and a half I have been helping my dear cousin, whenever I can, to keep his head above water since his marriage ended. At one of his lowest times, I had to ring and tell him my mother (his dear aunt) had died. He said he was at the bottom of the ladder and about to fall off.
I told him what I'm telling you now, beneath him and his ladder, there was me with arms outstretched to catch him if he fell....and today, he is on his way up the ladder, and is hopeful that he'll move into a new house before Christmas. He will see his dear children more often and his glass is half full now..(his words).

......and every day, we are here for you on Moodscope, to catch you whenever you fall. Sending you big Bear hugs. I'm so grateful you have written about how you have been, as you have given Hope to others.
My hope, when I'm down is that this too, will pass.
Bear x

Dolphin Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:45am

Oh boy - I know that place. One of my hard lessons was that there is no quick fix. At the bottom of my heart I believe I can fix anything so I rush around like a flustered chicken (not headless!) trying to find a fix. This makes me even more anxious as I judge myself as to whether I am getting the magic approach yet .... That doesn't mean that the search for things to help yourself is not important - it is. But a slow steady approach with no expectations has worked well for me and in the process I do indeed pick up healthy tools. (This is understood only in retrospect of course!) You've already discovered small steps. Sometimes for me it has been just sweeping the kitchen floor! Strength to you x

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:40am

Me too Dolphin! though I use the phrase headless chicken - yours is much nicer - thank-you! Frankie

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:08pm

Me too Dolphin! A little Gentle sweeping of a smooth floor is great for getting going or just at least achieving something simple. LP x

Dolphin Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:13am

PS - Loved the Emily Dickenson - and Lex's. Thanks!

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:39am

Dear DTW (though I think you should sign yourself Hope!)

Wow, what progress in two months - amazing - thank-you for sharing so honestly as it helps many readers. Yes indeed, small triumphs, little steps - such wisdom in four words ...


Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:42am

P.S. DTW forgot to say that yoga has been one of the best things for helping my recovery - so if you can, do stick with it ... and if you can do a bit each day, even just focussing on the breath for five minutes, it really does help.

susan Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 11:43am

Dear DTW, Writing today's blog was such a strength move. And a box file is a great symbol. You've got hope, faith, and patience; reality will mould itself around those things and all will be well (outside the well). You're in one of those life-changing times in your life. I've always believed that things will evolve and unfold for the best. What we can't know is just how that will happen or what it will entail -- that's the exciting bit! Thank you. xx

The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 12:18pm

Sitting listening to lovely music - and thinking so much of 'Sown the Well' same age as my eldest Grand-child. Now, here is a lovely message of hope. She was difficult, disruptive, dyslexic. She left home at 16 - got pregnant. The result is the pride of our family - her achievements are up on the wall beside me now - she visits us often - and is the darling of our town as well. Her mother went through depression, self-harming. Then, a latent talent for flower arranging. She did a brilliant table for our big Easter lunch in 2014. She did her other Granny's 80th birthday - a Victorian tea-party - flowers in pastel blues and mauves, brilliant. Now, from her I-pad and phone (which I bought her as a congratulate present) - she sends me pictures of the weddings and bridal bouquets she does - her sense of colour, and the artistry, nearly have me in tears - hopeless has found herself. You too, down the well - somewhere in the current misery will be a gleam of hope - to be encouraged as with a plant which might be a bit sickly.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 12:25pm

Kind and effective words, TG...and how amazing your daughter and granddaughter are doing so well now :). Gladdens the heart and ve ve hopeful x

Christopher Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 12:25pm

Dear DTW,

You are right. There is hope. I too have been in a pit of despair and I am climbing out. I found the words of Kalidasa motivating in the poem, "Look to this Day".

Look to this day:
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence.
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendour of achievement
Are but experiences of time.

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision;
And today well-lived, makes
Yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well therefore to this day;
Such is the salutation to the ever-new dawn!

Live well today,

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 1:48pm

Thank-you for this reminder Chris - it is a beautiful poem. Frankie

Hitchhiker Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 1:16pm

Well Down the Well, you inspired me to come up with my own nickname today. Hitchhiker. I am catching a ride on your hope today because mine is gone. I have posted here under my real name, but only when feeling OK. Been in the single digits several weeks now. I need some help but dont know how to ask. So starting by being honest here. so what gives me hope? Reading that you all have been down here and gotten through is my only hope today. I am: Hiding In The Covers Here, Hoping I Keep Everything Real. Hitchhiker. Thanks to all who take the time to slow down and write here. You've given me countless rides already.

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 1:57pm

Welcome Hitchhiker; I'm loving the name! Yes, we are here, some having good days, many having bad days, but we are here. I don't know where you are, but here in the UK it is a very wet and blustery day, thus making it much harder to venture out into the world... It is said that the darkest hour comes before the dawn, so maybe you are closer to daylight than you think ... What one thing, however small, can you do today? For me doing a simple household chore helps me bump start myself into often minimal action, but action none-the-less. To quote Hopeful One, action leads to motivation (not the other way round). As DTW says, little steps lead to small triumphs - and on the bad days, that is plenty ... As I sit here working, I have a candle burning for you and for all Moodscopers who are having a tough day ... Step by step, piece by peace, peace by peace ... Frankie

Hitchhiker Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 2:23pm

Many thanks Frankie. Your candle means alot! I will get a shower and do the essentials

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 2:57pm

Yay...a shower...some days it's hard enough to even brush my teeth so you are doing brilliantly! Like Frankie, I'm loving the Hitchhiker name....perhaps you have a galaxy of stars to look up at when you are low....keep looking up...together we are stronger :) Bear hugs x

Dave Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 3:20pm

DTW I don't always post unless something jumps out at me to share and your post did that in a couple of respects...I am struggling right now also but I have licked this before and I will do so again...Like you I find myself grasping at all kinds of straws looking and yearning for the quick fix, but unfortunately there is no such thing. Hope and faith and determination to overcome are so very important even though at times we really have to dig deep to find those qualities...Our guiding principal at NAMI which we recite at each meeting is We will never give up hope...It is so helpful to see so many others dealing with similar issues and knowing it is just not me. I love you all and keep on keeping on as best as you can one day at a time.

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:16pm

We are with you Dave and in one way or another all in it together. Thanks for sharing what helps you hold on to faith hope and determination. LP :) x

Hitchhiker Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 3:30pm

I am still in my bed. Hiding on the internet. And in plain sight. A friend phoned and I hid behind idle chatter. But a candle AND a hug, and stars to look up to, too kind to not get me to my destination. Truly, I am thankful for you folks here. Hope and honesty. Going to the shower as soon as I post this........HH

Mary Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 4:24pm

Hi HH - today I am right under those covers with you. High Five mate. High Five! And you've cleaned your teeth nearly a whole hour ahead of me - so you have an achievement right there!

Mary Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 4:23pm

Dear Bottom of the Well. At 33 I was in exactly the same place as you. Something somebody said to me stuck and gave me hope. He had been there too. He said "Every day it gets just a little bit better." When I look back nearly twenty years later how right he was, and how grateful I am for that time. It totally sucks while you're there, but keeping hanging on. It does get better. Even if some days (like today for me) still suck. Hmmm. At 4.21pm you remind me that I still need to get up, clean my teeth and put on real clothes. I'll feel better when I do, I know.

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:24pm

Hugs to you too Mary xx

Hitchhiker Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 5:17pm

I made it! Shower, clean teeth, clothes. i am sitting in a chair instead of bed. I do feel better so thanks. It is amazing to know I have mates out there!
"We will never give up hope". I will say it even when I don't feel it, trusting, remembering that there will always be some to borrow. Maybe a tattoo? Thanks again, DTW! May there always be a glimmer for all of you wonderful bunch. HH

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:45pm

Hi Hitchhiker; cheering you on from the sidelines! Frankie

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:22pm

Me too HH! A major achievement on a day like that! I'm all about the basics! Action, however small leads to motivation and together we are stronger! LP :) x

Anonymous Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 5:37pm

Dear Down the Well,
Thank you for sharing your struggles and your timely reminder of hope. One thing that gives me hope daily is reading the Moodscope blog's inspiring posts such as yours. It is those "small triumphs, little steps" that help keep us going.

Down the well Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:06pm

Wow I can't thank you all enough for your wonderful wonderful responses. You have shone a little light down my well and for that I am very very grateful indeed. I wrote that a month or so ago, and didn't know it would be used today. When I submitted it I thought it wasn't a great piece of writing but was determined to put something out into the world, so thank you so so much for all your lovely words. I can't say how much I appreciate you all taking the time to reach out.

Today I actually returned to my wee rented room after being at my parents for a fortnight. I will take the risk here of admitting that the reason for that was I took a very ill-informed paracetamol overdose, a cry for help from down the well, an attempt to stop the dark thoughts not a genuine urge to die, just a desire for peace. I don't share that for any reason other than honesty which I think that's what we're all about here, and there are only a few very close people in my life who know what I did. Today I went back to work, and reading your comments made my day that bit easier. I also saw a therapist I have been seeing on and off for a while, she utterly blind-sided me by saying she thought I had traits of personality disorders...I will admit to feeling sick to my stomach and wonder if any of you lovely people on here can comment on this. I feel it's a fairly sizeable misrepresentation of who I am but I am open to any input or experiences folk can share here as I know you folks are a source of not just huge wisdom and positivity but also wealth of mental health experience.

With that I shall bid you adieu and go and make myself some French toast, which is my little triumph as i've got into a terrible habit of not looking after my basic needs. Congrats to those who brushed their teeth today, and to those that didn't there's always tomorrow :) Small steps.

Love to all and lets keep fighting that good fight.

Hope/DTW x

Frankie Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:44pm

Hey Hope - thank-you so much for the update; well done you for going back to your own place and for recognising the need to look after yourself ... personally I hate French toast but great you had some. I have no knowledge or experience of personality disorders but maybe there are other websites out there specific to this; it might also be worth while seeing her again for more guidance if that is possible ... Cheering you on from the sidelines! Frankie

danielle Wed, Nov 18th 2015 @ 8:42am

Hi DTW, sorry I have only just seen your blog as didnt get a chance to login yesterday. I am sorry to hear you havent been feeling tip top. As you can see on here there are a plethora of people behind you :) with regards to the therapist suggesting you have a PD - the thing i would say is that you are still the same you. What does it matter what label they put on it? All the amazing and beautiful qualities are still there that were there before, along with all the struggles too. try not to focus too much on the diagnosis name but what makes things a little easier (so you can do them when times are rough, maybe your yoga?) and what causes you to feel worse (maybe certain times of year, days - mondays are bad for me, or even people?) so you can avoid them. I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder 18 months ago and obsessed over it for ages, but then came to realise i am just the same person I was before, the only thing that can come of it is good as now i can ask others with the same condition for tips etc. much love xxx

Down the well Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 8:56pm

Hi Frankie,

Thank you for your post and all your lovely comments. Still not quite managed the French toast but that's down to mindfulness practice so allowed I reckon - more self care :)I hope you've had a good day and thank you for the cheering, it always helps. I'm just blown away by the magnificence, big hearts, optimism and positivity on here. As far as the potential PD diagnosis goes I'm an obsessive googler so have been reading like a fiend!! Still a bit confused, it seems to be controversial, some folk don't like the label some do. Who knows. Next steps are doc tomorrow then hopefully psychiatrist at some point in the not too distant future. For now French toast! x

LillyPet Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:39pm

Loving the name Hope/DTW! Thankyou so much for sharing your updates, they are bound to help others who have been through similar experiences. You're doing tremendously, not only your own research, but planning your next steps. Your determination to find out more about yourself is great. I've done loads of that and over the years gained an awful lot. Occasionally something will ring true and will be a major part of your jigsaw. Other things may not feel true for you. All the very best and keep us posted. What an amazing blog and response! LP xxx

The Gardener Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:30pm

Dear 'down the well' again. I've spent two hours with a glass of red sorting papers (need more than your box-file). Some of them (to and from friends) date bake years. I just can't take your 'personality' disorder. Nearly every letter shows some 'weakness' in the writer - they are all responsible, some high fliers, good parents - very hospitable - but they have all got 'quirks' (loads are horrendously intolerant) Which I treat as part of their 'make-up', not a personality defect. My brother in law, an eminent scientist, is obsessed with health, reads ever panic report, and is on the phone to me straightaway fearing he has 'got' it. He suffers IBS, and sleeps badly. I (terribly dictatorial) can see nothing wrong with you except that you have been badly bruised by recent events, and any bruises take time to heal. Soak up all the friendship. Eat French toast (when I'm rushed with lashings of raspberry jam). Beware those pills - I look longingly at my packet of sleeping pills - taken with a bottle of wine and that's the end of your troubles. Don't even think about it. However low you feel, that 'exit' leaves your friends and family in a greater state of grief than that caused by natural death. Hope I have not done more harm than good, but 'been there, done that' and there's no tee-shirt at the end. I am off to my lonely bed, it looks like the pronoun 'my' is here to stay, but 'hope springs eternal' might be a cliche, but it's a good one. Good night, God bless - peace and contentment to you, might take a while.

Barbara Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 9:55pm

Do NOT visit that therapist again. He/she was out of order. Doc and psychiatrist, yes. And definitely your parents, yes again. Best of luck my friend, we are all with u. xx

Down the well Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:35pm

thank you Barbara...and yes I'm wondering how helpful this therapy is for me!! xx

Down the well Tue, Nov 17th 2015 @ 10:34pm

Gardener I love your writing style, great wisdom comes through. Yeah I'm kind of resistant to the whole labelling/diagnosis thingo. She did say I had 'traits' not that she was telling me I had one, but given my state of mind at the moment that was enough to send me into a tailspin! when ones grip on reality and life is feeling tenuous being slapped with a label that makes me feel I cant trust myself AT ALL is not helpful. goodnight lovely folks and thank you again xx

Leah Wed, Nov 18th 2015 @ 12:57am

Down the well,
I really find your honesty and vulnerability so invigorating and that is a big step you feel comfortable enough hear to share that personal information.
I am down under(geographically) but your words touch me across the seas.
I agree with others I would get another opinion.
Sending a big hug.

Sal Wed, Nov 18th 2015 @ 11:06pm

Hello dtw / hope. I'm late too with responding, have only just read your blog, and all the amazing comments - very powerful.
I had to re-read to make sure, yes, you said 'two months ago my marriage ended'. Wow. Sounds like a punch in the gut (I do hope not literally). I am not surprised you feel as if hope has been sucked away. Not something that I can imagine a uni course compensating for. Then the anxieties, "No-one will want to know you if you're honest about how you feel". Thank goodness for your friend who *could* listen to how you really feel.
Surely this has to be the way? In my experience, jamming the lid on only makes things bubble up later - and until then, I find I'm living a half-life (if that). But it is great (and necessary and important) to find a *safe* place to let the feelings show - your therapist didn't sound to me like a very safe one.
On a hunch I am posting here a link to some talks I heard last year in Bristol by therapists dealing with trauma (yes I know that trauma may sound like a whole new topic, sorry if it's a false trail) - just to say, I found the talks by Mark Brayne and Sue Wright (2 of the 5 speakers) very inspirational and they gave me hope that even very deep wounds can be healed - and sometimes surprisingly quickly (it seems).
I don't want to minimise the importance of the small steps that people have mentioned - and for me, some of the useful small steps have been 'morning pages' as suggested by Julia Cameron in 'The Artist's Way' - but it's good to bear in mind that even big steps may be possible.
Wishing you many strands of hope, and bubbles of uplift to float you up out of the well :)
with love, Sal

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