Home for a Dozen Horses.

Wednesday March 15, 2017

[To listen to an audio version of this blog please click here: http://bit.ly/2nBVgkf]

69. 74. 73. 73. 75. 71. 73.

So, what's with the numbers, Mary?

Those wonderful numbers are my Moodscope scores for the past week.

Please, I'm not boasting or crowing. If you've been stumbling along in the teens, for what seems like forever, and the most you've ever scored is 35%, then I can see that the above numbers might seem like I'm rubbing your nose in it.

But I'm not. Believe me, I'm not. If you've been following my blogs for more than six months, then you know that I too am familiar with that deep dark place called depression. All too familiar.

But back to those scores.

You see, the numbers themselves don't mean too much; it's just that they're steady. I've never – never – been so steady before. I simply cannot remember a time when I have woken up every morning feeling about the same; give or take a percentage or two. It's been six weeks now. It's simply wonderful!

And – because I've been doing the Moodscope test almost every day since 12th May 2011, I can check. I've gone back and found the longest stable period I can and looked at the scores. This was a month-long period when I was neither in mania nor depression; when I was what I would have called "steady" and "normal". The scores in that "steady" period see-sawed from 65% to 85% and back again. Several times.

So, okay, that was much, much better than going from 96% to 6% inside twenty-four hours, but it's only now I realise it was not exactly steady.

Ever since the new drug kicked in I've had a variance of only 5%.


Sorry, just taking a moment to appreciate that.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder ten years ago. It's taken ten years to find the right drug. And – even now, I can't be sure: it's still early days.

If, in April, the Easter Bunny visits in place of the usual Dementors; if I can get through to Christmas and out into 2018 without any period of incarceration in my own personal Azkaban; if this year I don't have to fight the allure of the river, then I might be able to say, "Yes – this drug works."

Not just the drug, of course. Therapy, meditation, writing this blog: they all help. But for some things you need to fight fire with fire. There is a chemical imbalance in my brain and this new chemical is providing the counterweight.

Yup – I'm so stable now, I can give dozen horses a home!

A Moodscope member.

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