Friday March 13, 2020

I often feel very grateful and less alone when I read other people's blogs. It takes time, strength and courage to write from the heart or head depending on where you are at.

As a therapist, there is an assumption by some close friends that I "ought" to be ok and "should " know what to do to make things better for myself.

I can feel so lost at times that I let these assumptions and expectations of others add weight to my distress and I spiral down further adding negative beliefs about myself. I seek refuge in alcohol and withdraw with the label "I am failing on all levels."

It is only through reaching out to my own therapist that I can see myself through a more compassionate lens. I think I was drawn to my profession to help others - it isn't an unconditional role I get from supporting others and holding them in thier darkest moments. It is a privilege. It also lets me hide.

If I am helping others I am fulfilling a need - my need to help. In such an emotionally challenging role I have little energy or will to look at the emotional me. The part that is so hurt so alone so weak.

Personal therapy, as hard as it is, can be the most rewarding place to sit. I have growing awareness of my self, my way of being. Yes it isn't going to change dramatically, the sky isn't suddenly filled with sunshine, but I can no longer deny what I do to avoid.

I recently said goodbye to my soulmate Tippi my 4 legged collie cross. Tippi was my unconditional support, best friend, companion. Thirteen years ago we met at a rescue centre and I truly feel she actually saved me. I am lost without her its been only 5 weeks. I went to therapy not appreciating just how broken I am in my grief as I was listening to "I ought to be ok" "I ought to know what to do".

And I listened, I hid in my work and I unravelled.

I am painfully trying to change my lens - look inward and not rely on outward opinion, comments or reactions for what to do. I have to look at how I want to be, how I currently am and start to break the cycle.

Its my cycle, its my journey and I will get there in my own time.

A Moodscope member.

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