Moodscope's blog

24

March


Hello? Anybody there? Monday March 24, 2014

Like others, I contribute to this blog in the hope that my words sometimes resonate with other Moodcopers, and somehow make them feel less alone. It's also selfish, in a good way, because expressing ourselves in writing can be cathartic for us all.

In my last post, One for The Men Out There (March 7th), I explained how my reluctance to take anti-depressants prolonged my depression. It made me think.

Without trawling the archives, I couldn't tell you when the one before that appeared. I never intended the gap between my contributions to be so great. But one of the symptoms of my depression was that I felt I had absolutely nothing worth saying.

All the words tumbling out of my mouth sounded the same. It didn't matter where I was, who I was talking to, or the topic of discussion. My preference became to say nothing at all and my comfort zone shrank to the size of my flat.

Ironically, a friend recently said he'd seen nothing from me on Facebook for months. Because of a settings glitch, to friends in my wider world, it looked as though I'd disappeared for a year. I did sometimes wonder why no-one was commenting on the few things I'd said.

As I fell quiet, it was other friend's posts that reminded me the world was still going round. Better still, the daily Moodscope blogs and ever-helpful comments gave me the sense I wasn't on my tod. They helped me believe that I'd feel better one day. Thankfully, I am.

I've found that emerging from depression is a time to cherish. I'm rediscovering the little pleasures in life and truly reconnecting with friends and family. (Incidentally, I've now fixed the Facebook problem and by saying hello to the world once again, got some lovely messages and meeps* back.)

So wherever you're at today, take comfort from the fact that however you're feeling, you're not alone. And if you're not at your best, trust that you will one day, as one Moodscoper so beautifully put it, be 'enjoying life with all its sparkles'.

(*My gorgeous friend bet me I couldn't get the word 'meeps' in to this.)

Mark
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment on our Blogspot:

http://moodscope.blogspot.com/2014/03/hello-anybody-there.html


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Comments

Anonymous Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 6:42am

Mark, thanks so much for the sincere and inspiring account of your recovery. Your words do resonate with me; putting my struggles with self-expression in perspective. Feeling connected is the key, isn't it?

Anonymous Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 8:46am

Funny when you feel that about what you are saying for it probably differs little from what you say when you feel up. You sound somewhat hard on yourself, as if you feel some guilt for feeling down. Or is it that one feels down because of residual guilt from childhood. My favourite place of sancurty and sanity is under my duvet, but there was a time when I felt very guilt about not wanting to get out of my bed. However when I mentioned this at an al-anon meeting someone validated what I did by saying that it was okay to be under the duvet, and of course it is. It might be the judgement of others that we are lazy, depressed or should get up and we may tell ourselves that too but when we stop criticising ourselves then we eventually come round and start the recovery process all on our own. Animals will stay where they want to be until things start to improve for them and there is little we can do to force them to think otherwise. Sometimes we should take a leaf out of their book. Glad you are back on your path all the same.

Anonymous Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 10:01am

Thanks for the message. I am about to go to see a psychiatrist for the very first time as my depression has reached one of the lowest stages I can remember and I am feeling lonely. Thank you.

Anonymous Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 10:08am

Thank you for your blog - so well put and its great to feel connected. I too suffer from bouts of depression - with me they are annual! I now see my withdrawal as a need for my body and mind to recover from the pressures that have overcome me, and to heal and process my emotions and feelings. It is certainly good to know that I/we are not alone and that nothing lasts - not even depression - knowing this and the fact that the light on the other side will come, helps to get through the pain. Take each second, minute and hour as it comes until then and embrace the sparkles as you say.

Mary Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 11:38am

So lovely to have you back, Mark. Um - just what IS a Meep?

Julia Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 11:57am

I often think that its an inner critical voice telling me I shouldn't be doing this or that. We are very hard on ourselves I agree Anonymous and push ourselves even harder when we feel low. I do anyway. But I also worry that if I give up or take things a little easier it might be the start of a slippery slope, one which I do not want to slide down. I really like your blog Mark and I am the same as you, I won't write if I feel low any more so there are often longish gaps between my blogs. I am so happy to read you are feeling better.

Lostinspace Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 2:28pm

Well, the first thing I did was Google meep and I still don't quite get it but that's not surprising. I like your post Mark, quality over quantity any day. I agree also with Julia, I push myself to do something/anything when I feel the black dog stalking me. Going for a swim or to the gym helps enormously. I am glad for Mark that he is "back" and taking meds. I think though that depression still carries enormous stigma, here on Moodscope we all understand that Mark has not written for sometime because he simply couldn't. But out in the world, many people for whom we may care deeply, just don't understand if you have been out of contact for a long time and it is really hard to know how to contact them again. "Sorry, I haven't written for so long, I have been severely depressed" sounds like an excuse to many people and not a reason. Perhaps I should apply the swim/gym ethic to writing e-mails but it is one thing to drag my sorry ass out of the house and exercise and quite another to sit down in front of the computer and force myself to write my news in a way that will provoke a response apart from "keep your black dog to yourself!" I can't see the positive side of life at the moment but a real negative is feeling myself losing friends and relations. I do take Wellbutrin but am not sure it really works on the other hand there is plenty going on in my life which would depress anybody, I once took Paxil but it put a shield between me and the good stuff as well as the bad stuff, after a year it took me 3 goes to get off it with considerable turmoil. Not sure this is relevant to Mark's blog but I think it may be as reading what he wrote provoked my comment.

Mary Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 3:33pm

Absolutely relevant and really good to have a lovely long chunk from you. I know exactly what you mean about the emails. At one point I took 6 months off from the PC and had to get the daughter of a friend to go into my account and post an automatic reply thing that said I was taking some long-term sick-leave. What we mean by depression (a seriously debilitating illness) and what others understand (feeling a bit blue) is a divide that needs addressing. Public education is getting there slowly and it's up to us to be honest with the people around us. It's scary, because you can lose standing with some people. I try to tell myself that I don't want or need respect from those who can't give it to someone with a mental health condition. But that doesn't make it easier or hurt less. We do get nervous looks from people who don't understand. Maybe we all need to wear tee-shirts that say "Depression is illness, not madness." And keep the antidepressants on standby. I don't think Fluoxatine helps much either, but at least I feel I'm doing something positive if I take it. I respect you tremendously for being able to exercise while ill. The great thing about this Moodscope space is that we all have our black dogs and are quite happy to compare their tricks. So please do share your black dog. Mine is a great grey leviathan of a beast as I've shared before.I think I'll call him Jonah.

Vikki Newlove Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 4:29pm

I enjoyed your last paragraph

Silvia A Mon, Mar 24th 2014 @ 6:29pm

thumbs up.

Anonymous Tue, Mar 25th 2014 @ 3:29pm

Mark, thank you for message. You are an inspiration .

Anonymous Thu, Mar 27th 2014 @ 5:38pm

I am new to Moodscope and really hope that the daily tests and blogs will help. I have suffered from chronic depression all my life--I can remember being suicidal at age 6. The "black dog" comes to visit periodically, whether or not my life is going well.

However, this time is different. I'm struggling in year 4 now. I've been on antidepressants for many years. I visit a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. I have a supportive husband, but no other support system. I have had 2 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalizations over the last 4 years. My psychiatrist is recommending another hospitalization now.

I read self-help books and try all the common recommendations. But I just can't sustain the effort.

I read so much hope in the posts here. Will there be an end to this pain and loneliness this time?

Thank you all for sharing your encouraging words.

Caroline Ashcroft Thu, Mar 27th 2014 @ 10:15pm

Hi Anonymous, I really hope that Moodscope will help you. Please make sure you take the test every day and add a comment to your score - anything that may have happened that may have influenced your mood. You'll find this very helpful once you've been scoring for a while. You may be able to see some trends going on and triggers that are causing it.

I know of one person who was depressed for many, many years who used Moodscope and it changed his life - having already tried everything else he was offered. I think the reason is because Moodscope gives you the tools to help you manage your mood, rather than have someone else manage it for you. See how it goes. I do hope it helps and remember there are lots of members here who are in the same boat and happy to give you some support if you need it.

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