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April


Hang On... Sunday April 16, 2017

Why am I stuck inside when it's such a sunny day out?
Why do I draw the curtains to block out the light?

Light that is so vital to me, Light in all rays of glory.
If I block out Light do I block out Love? My essence is muted yet present.

Now is the time to stoke the embers. Now is the time to Love.
Now is the time to Love myself first. Love myself first?! Love the worst?!

I am unworthy. I have no hope. Darkness prevails. Blinds sight.
Menacing thoughts run amok heedlessly ignoring my pleas for order.

Circling the drain, I peer down the deep dark tunnel.
That tunnel will suck you right down. Away Forever.

Terror jolts my very core, shock waves ripple forth.
Tsunami barrels down on me. I need a life preserver! How will I survive?

Curl up, bracing for the blow. Curl inside, deep inside.
Not too far... not too far... don't go too far. Come up for air.

It's okay to talk. How can I talk? Remember to talk. I need to talk!
Struggling, stuttering, I must persevere. Must Persevere. What Must Persevere?!

Love. Intrinsic Love. Love is my answer. I must act out of Love.
Love protects me and I inflict no harm. No heartache. No gut wrenching agony as the finality sinks in.

The final demise that causes such grief. The tortuous loss you've experienced but you must never cause.

Such anguish must not be repeated. Absolutely never be repeated... You vowed you would never repeat it... NEVER.

Break the cycle. Be strong. Hang on.
Because of Love, I hang on.

What strengthens your grasp as you hang on?

Maria
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

The Gardener Sun, Apr 16th 2017 @ 7:07am

Hang on - oh Dear - Happy Easter to you all - my absolute favourite day of the year - Mr G worse than ever - with this new day I am trying to break the circle - descent to misery depression and hopelessness. The weather is grey and cold - grand-son here - high hopes - but he has a broken collar bone but is doing his best to divert his grand-dad - at least spending time with him helps - but lunch at restaurant a disaster. Lots social things today but all physically wearing. But I will see loads of friends - get comfort and support - cogitating how to deal with worst elements. I like Maria's 'Stoke the embers' - stir up any still warm ash of hope and ideas, and, another of Maria's, 'terror', because I have that, I might not cope - so vestiges of my noted (and envied, not always liked) efficient will need the bellows taken to them to put renewed fire in. Wheel wheel-chair Mr G to mass - the bells will ring out. A new beginning? Lovely Easter Card from two gay musical friends in the UK. To all I have know here, and who no longer appear, I hope life is being kind to you. xxx

Sally Sun, Apr 16th 2017 @ 9:05am

Echo TG's wishes to the community at large. Happy Easter Maria and all. Whether out of any religious meaning or not, Easter appeals to me because of the element of resurgence, new beginnings , fresh everything. Just look at the hedgerows, gardens, fields, flower shops, it's all so vibrant and colourful. You don't have to go as far as Amsterdam to enjoy the tulips, they are everywhere!
I hope getting it out there helped, Maria, it sounded so very painful. Reminiscent of my very darkest days. I hope you are on the way up, and will grasp every straw of hope, every ounce of help, every nugget of love, to make your way back. Big virtual hugs. Enjoy the day.

Eva Mon, Apr 17th 2017 @ 6:47am

Love for my husband and my pets and plants. Love for my mum and brother, and friends. The paintings and other art projects I want to undertake. The challenge of taking my art out into the world at some point. Potential holidays in the future when I have the energy. Nice meals out with my husband or with friends. Gigs. Music, maybe taking the time to train again and sing. These things keep me going.

Jane SG Mon, Apr 17th 2017 @ 3:06pm

Being authentic with someone I trust and poetry! Thanks Maria, your poem is very descriptive. I hope you are doing ok xx

Arlyn Mon, Apr 17th 2017 @ 6:18pm

I think it is learning to trust myself and being more open with others. My last 'blip' lasted one year and almost gave in by driving myself to Beachy Head. I felt I could not stand another day of torture. I had to use all my strength to just get through the day. Nobody can even begin to understand unless they have experienced similar.
Maria, your poem is an amazing description of how I felt 6 years ago. I am right with you and just hope something can break the suffering cycle you are experiencing. You will come right with patience and courage. I feel so much for you.

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