Getting mucky.

11 Feb 2018

A friend of mine today told me that he had found out his wife had been having an affair for the last four years.

As we walked the dog we talked about how messy life can be. How messed up, ridiculously bonkers and how we can also wade in our size 8s and make it worse!! And that's before you've walked in the dog poo.

If you are of a delicate constitution, or eating your breakfast, I apologise.

We discussed how there are two types in life. Those who are open about wading in the mud and those whose wellies are wiped clean as if to pretend they never experience such things.

I am of the former persuasion... get it out there, get on with it and move on. Don't bury it for it to come and haunt you later on! I come from a very English family where such things are left unspoken.

How do you deal with the detritus in your life? Do you brush it under the carpet or do you confront it head on, acknowledging it's rubbish but needs dealing with?

I know that I am far less depressed when I take the latter road.


A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Feb. 11, 2018, 7:38 a.m.

Thanks for the blog BrumMum. I agree that it is better to face difficulties and obstacles and acknowledge negative feelings. Sometimes these are very painful & difficult. They are painful and uncomfortable feelings but I reckon that they will pass in time.



Feb. 11, 2018, 10:06 a.m.

Really interesting blog BrumMum. I reckon we all have stuff we're not comfortable disclosing because of shame and guilt. Sometimes we don't disclose because we get fed up with the judgement of others -- I'm thinking of someone I was close to who was nearly always judged negatively for what she'd done (not criminal but a major moral transgression). The answer to "How could you do that?" was a long story, and most people would judge rather than listen. She got fed up with trying to explain the seemingly unexplainable. People wanted her to keep the detritus; she felt punished. And that's what we fear will happen if we disclose. We fear that people will judge us badly in the light of the disclosure. And when they do they isolates us. It's as if you get a paradox: you keep it hidden to maintain social contact... but then you are not as you seem to be. Or you disclose so that you can be authentic but then other people isolate you. Life can indeed be messy.



Feb. 11, 2018, 10:27 a.m.

Like you, BrumMum, I prefer to get it out there as much as possible because the bubble bursts eventually anyway. I hope your friend felt better for telling you, but as to the way forward, still messy! I think Oli’s right, we fear the judgment of others so pretend to be that other person. We’d all like to be seen as competent,responsible, adult in our decisions, and yes, the fear of isolation is a chilling one. Because of mental health issues though, I find I perhaps have more empathy with failure than some I associate with, and often sympathise with the underdog. I’m not blowing my own trumpet here, just saying that, if you’ve experienced lots of pain, you will sympathise with a fellow sufferer, whatever the “mess”. Do others agree?



Feb. 11, 2018, 1:32 p.m.

Definitely agree Sally. It can be deeply reassuring to feel someone else understands through shared experience.

The Gardener

Feb. 11, 2018, 10:28 a.m.

Thanks Brum Mum - always a bit wary of jumping in with my size '8's as you call them - bit impetuous - especially where grief or family break-ups concerned. We had an excellent worker, 18 years old, but a tearaway with his motorbike - inevitable, he was killed. Mr G and I 'dithered' then went to see the parents. They were overjoyed - we were the 'bosses' but we cared, all they wanted was to dispense tea and talk about their boy. We shut the firm the afternoon of the funeral - turned out more than a mark of respect, their son mattered. But for actually getting mucky, nothing can beat cleaning out a pond or a ditch. And Oli - great difficulty between 'disclosing' and 'dumping'. Just trying to write a blog on all I've been reading recently - not just messy - pure septic tank!



Feb. 11, 2018, 1:57 p.m.

Thank you for your blog! I belong to another fellowship where the saying "you are only as sick as your secrets" is often invoked. I live by that, for secrets eat at me. I do not share with everyone I meet, but I am now blessed to have a very good supportive circle of friends, thankfully, in and out of the fellowship. Plus I have a great husband. He is a saint and is a BIG support of mine, as I am to him. I have found one has to pick to whom you share carefully, but then share like you life depends on it. I no longer am drowning in the quagmire of secrets.



Feb. 12, 2018, 12:16 p.m.

A day late, but Brum Mum, I’m catching up! I try to keep everything in and ruminate and worry in my head until I have to address the problem then try to gently get it sorted with whoever it concerns. I don’t always do it well, but try to get it sorted asap so I can relax again in my world. Bear hugs to you and hope your friend is coping well with what has happened. Bear x


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