It's been quite odd for me, the last few weeks, to read the blogs on Moodscope that I sent to Moodscope some time ago.
You see, on 7th July, I came out of this particular depression.
It happens that way with me: flip, and within a space of twenty-four, or even eight hours I come out of it completely and it's as if that bad time had never been.
So reading the posts I had written while in the belly of the whale (because I think of my depression as a great grey leviathan which swallows me up whole on a regular basis) has been interesting.
I remember doing the Moodscope cards each morning was a huge effort because I had to work out just how scared or anxious or jittery I was. For instance, was I just feeling on edge (1); or did my children notice and comment that I was trembling as I hugged them goodbye in the morning (2); or was I shaking so much that I couldn't even pour out the breakfast coffee my husband had made for me (3)?
It's been so lovely for the past couple of weeks to put a zero for jittery without thinking about it, and just to debate (for a micro-second) whether enthusiastic gets a 2 or a 3!
Everyone tells you this, but it really is true: colours are brighter, the air is fresher, food tastes better and (for me this is fantastic) just one glass of wine tastes lovely and has enough of a buzz for me not to want another one and oops, another one after that.
This is a respite, not a healing: the whale is still out there and next time he swims round (in 2016 if past performance is anything to go by) little Mary will abruptly be slurped up like some kind of blue slush-puppy, yet again.
But oh, it's so nice to be well for the moment. Maybe we can appreciate the days when the darkness lifts all the more because we are intimately acquainted with that dark.
I wish for all of you too this energy, light and peace, and, if it is not with you now, at least the hope of it in the future.
A Moodscope member.
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