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18

June


Finding Ways to Heal Yourself. Saturday June 18, 2016

So this is a poem I wrote in my early twenties, a long time ago, when mobile phones were like bricks and only rich men in Land Rovers had them.

It's generally stayed in my computer, shared with a few people over the years. Some didn't know how to respond, because it's pretty out there in terms of feelings. But I think you're ready for it. In fact, I think of all the people I could share it with, you lot (or some of you anyway) will get it.

And just so we're clear, I'm proud of this poem, I think it's a great poem (Now, now, let's not carried away, Self-Ed). It's the point where I started to find ways to heal myself after a very difficult time in my teens; and is something I've come back to at points in my life, different lines resonating according to what was going on at the time.

Getting things out on the page can be so useful, can't it? Just one of the ways as I've seen here that we separate out and make sense of our different selves.

Glass Walls of Illusion.

I

I see you and speak
We laugh and we talk
but I'm numb.
I see all the colours
Can touch and be touched
but I'm numb.
The winter of cold.
The desert of soul.
I am numb.
Belief in Him gone.
Belief in what? None
I am numb

I am numb
I am dumb
I am done

You have all the answers.
She has all the answers.
They have all the answers
But me? I am dumb
Either that or I'm numb

And you at your centre
Have love the placenta
And me at my centre
Have hole the conjecture
And outside that space
Are iced walls of face
I am numb.

The passion is buried
The feelings are gone
The greyness is come
I am done

II

Of course you're not done
You hear beats from the drum
The heart is deep, covered
In layers of scum
But you are not numb
And nor are you dumb

It's 'me' that is smothered
by Voices uncovered
Through deep, searching questions of
who is and why was
and when was and what is
But 'I' am not numb

While 'me' is there sobbing
The 'I' is deep, throbbing
A bright, golden glowing
Of sure certain knowing
That life in the cosmos
is bigger and better than
'I' and 'me' or 'thou' and 'thee'
Life is not numb, it's fun

And it's hope & jokes & love & cheers
that keep us going through the years
So keep that in mind
when you're numb

Yes sometimes you feel numb
But you are not numb
The glass is illusion
The 'me' is confusion
And you are not done
You've begun.

A View From The Far Side
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Belinda Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:10am

Dear View From The Far Side, I get it. I so do. Well at the moment, the first part, though I know the other side is true. Things are a bit tough for me at the moment, so it was lovely to have your poem. Thank you. Belinda

Kate Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:26am

What an awesome poem! Really resonates with what I believe: we all have a genius inside that is beauty, truth, feeling loved, inspiring and inspired. It's just covered up and as we deal with our emotional and mental landscape and integrate ourselves, love and accept, we uncover that shining light, realise that we are already the shining light, reframing, see our awesomeness and fully relax into what we are. I love this! Well done xx

Hopeful One Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:55am

Hi AVFTFS- thank you so much for sharing . I guess you must have been going through a rough time in your life when you wrote that.

"And it's hope & jokes & love & cheers
that keep us going through the years
So keep that in mind
when you're numb"

There are two words in that stanza that immediately resonated - " hope and jokes ..... that keep us going through the years" I say cheers to that. I can't pass on hope other than ask fellow Moodscpers never to lose it no matter what. But a joke ? Well I can do something there.

A man saw a lion in the bush, he knelt down & started praying .When opened his eyes he saw the lion kneeling infront of him, praying too. He was shocked .He asked the lion, "Are you a Christian? " The lion replied " No but I do pray before I eat"

Stella Awards will be resumed on return from Skopelos.

Bearofliddlebrain Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:03am

Enjoy your hols HO...! Bear x

Hopeful One Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:25am

Thanks bear . I saw this and it reminded me of you. " You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." A.A. Milne - Winnie-the-Pooh

Another Sally Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:00pm

Gosh, that is true. Trouble is I'm afraid to go to others. Am having a weekend on my own and trying to think but mind keeps shoving difficult thoughts back down, reluctant to let them out. Feeling a bit lost today.mglad I have this little community to be with. Another Sally

Eva Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 11:06pm

Hope your weekend goes well AS. I too am on my own, but am using it as a chance to rest up to try to recover a bit from fatigue. Ho have a great time away.

LillyPet Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 7:39am

What an insightful poem at quite a young age vftfs. Knowing that the surface self who has struggled is not the essence of who we are is enlightening. The awareness self that observes and knows what is and isnt good for us is the one to tap into. Thankyou for a great way to start the weekend. LPxxx

S Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 8:02am

Hi, this poem really spoke to me. Many blog posts have done and this is the first time I have commented. I have been waking early and I think the tiredness is catching up with me. My mind is racing and I also feel quite numb. This means that I function and the numbness is paradoxically quite painful. I shall keep going today knowing that it will pass as your poem says- thank you for the message of hope AVFTFS and thank you to everyone else for the posts and the comments. Sx

jen Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:00am

Hi, Usually, when I see that the blog of the day is a poem I delete without reading as they are not my thing. However, the lead up to your poem intrigued me and I am glad I read on. A very emotional poem that really conveyed the dark and light side of what so many of us experience that is so difficult to express. You should publish.

Bearofliddlebrain Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:02am

Wow....A View from - just wow.
Your Pom will hit home with many a Moodscoper today. So pleased you felt able to share it with us. You should still feel proud that after ???? years, it brings up strong feelings and emotions for you and will do for us.
You were a very perceptive young person.
Biggest Bear hugs
x

S Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 12:34am

Thanks for your lovely hello earlier. It has gone now but I did see it. Hugs, Sx

Tutti Frutti Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:31am

Great poem which totally resonated. You write really well. Thanks. TF x

S Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 12:33am

Thanks TF for your earlier suggestions of things to do to help racing thoughts (comment has disappeared) - I baked and arranged to meet a friend- that helped. May do some colouring tomorrow. You made me very welcome. Hope you had a good day, Sx

Tutti Frutti Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:43am

Smudge just to say that there is now a very belated additional response from me this morning to your comment on yesterday's post.
Love TF x

A View from the Far Side Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 10:35am

Thanks for all your fabulous comments. They're boosting me through the day. I really wasn't sure whether to post it, but I feel it's finding its natural audience here. I'm basking. Basking! :-)

Keren Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 11:07am

Great words which resonated with me. Great writing, thank you :-)

The Gardener Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 1:12pm

Super poem - I had one published a bit on the same lines a couple of years ago on moodscope - written in the depths of depression - I came out. Now, this morning, it's Slough of Despond - Mr G starts on me as soon as he is awake - such an awful start to the day - coupled with a bad back and dismal weather I feel absolutely numb and helpless - my bubble of mischief, arcane humour and rays of hope have been smothered in the blanket of despair - Hopeful One called himself that for a good reason, I'm sure - my pseudonym is because gardening is my cure-all. There is beginning to be a common feeling that it must be a home for Mr G because I am cracking. HO did 7 years hard labour, I've only done 3. (loved his joke today) try to be like him, and find a spark of humour in the day. My blackest thoughts are a)that all my efforts to supply Mr G with a congenial atmosphere and comforting support will be in vain - and, b) worst of all, if he goes into a home I will never want to see him again - dreading seeing him in those conditions and the raving I will be subjected to. AVFTS - so glad your decision to publish has had such glowing effects - goon on ya.

Hopeful One Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:11pm

Hi Gardner- I don't know if I am being brave or foolhardy for putting these thoughts on the table. I too went through a great deal of heart searching like yourself . I too dreaded the thought of being left on my own because ,even though my wife was demented ,she was still a voice in the house and someone to talk to. Our children had left by then. Like you I kept putting off the inevitable but I knew it was going to happen . The turning point for me was when my friend Pat who had looked after her husband for 6 years simply went to the Community Psychiatric Nurse ( CPN) and told her she had given it her best shot . The CPN took over , arranged to see Bill , assessed him and said she was going to get him admitted at the local psychiatric unit for a full assessment. Her condition was deemed to be a material factor . After the assessment they recommended an EMI Unit . For me the change in Pat was astonishing - she was a completely different person the Pat I knew before all this happened. Two weeks later after a particularly difficult weekend I arranged to see our CPN. I had given it my best shot. My wife was admitted was assessed and recommended for EMI. I went through a period of mourning for it felt like someone had died. This lasted for three months and then I started to put my life together. In your writings I see similarities and I feel you should also admit ,albeit reluctantly ,that you have given it your best shot , get in touch with the CPN and take it from there.

Lesley Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:38pm

Hello Gardener, just sending you a hug and a virtual pot of finest tea, loose leaves, large and best quality served in a fine, porcelain, wide cup.

Eva Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 11:12pm

Gardner, sending you love and peace

Lexi Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 1:32pm

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. Like so many others, it really resonated with me too. xo Lexi

Ruth Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 1:43pm

Woke up in severe mental and physical pain. Your post was what I needed to read. Thank you.

Lesley Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 6:43pm

Thank you for the poem. It is very fine. I am having a day of aching top to toe and decided to reach out and ask for some companionship via Facebook. A good friend dropped by and we played a game, watched a new comedy and I did lunch. So pleased that I just asked. Too often I sit in the corner these days and wait. Hopeful One quoted Winnie the Pooh - quite a useful quote. x

Marco Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 8:39pm

Beautiful!

The Gardener Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 8:51pm

Apologies to the writer of this excellent blog for using you as a psychiatric clinic. HO's helpful words could not have come at a better time - crunch time is coming. Mr G, having been provoked by me yesterday, walked to the church on his own, no problems. Glorious party going on in square - we went off with his walker - he is bolshie, awkward (did not want to go of course) ended up sliding into the gutter - no harm done - a Welsh couple and I got him home somehow. I have no life and am beginning to feel seriously low. Mr G says all would be well if I got a wheel-chair - authorities dead against it - looked up on Web - they weigh 19 kgs - I could not get him and it in car. So, words from somebody who has been 'through the mill' - and, listening to the music coming into the house - life is still good - I would like a little bit more of it.'Hope and jokes and love and cheers' (correct from poem) all those are needed to leaven the bad times. Have a marvellous holiday HO - we went on a Ramblers Association holiday on Samos and Patmos - led by a south African who had taught Greek literature in Athens for 30 years - he made it all come alive. When WILL someone invent a Magic carpet.

A View from the Far Side Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 10:54pm

Gardener, come into this space with your blooms of thought. I've been where you are - living an extreme life, shattered, angry, tired, grieving for a life that was, just wanting things to change - and feeling guilty about that too. It sounds like you're under intolerable stress, which hopefully is going to change soon. The Moodscope community is here if you need us, whoever's posting a blog. I've been out taming my little patch of garden today, with the help of my amazing mother-in-law. Hugs and courage, AVFTFS xxxx

Another Sally Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 9:11pm

Hi AVFTFS, thanks for the poem. Sounds like my daughter in her teens and early twenties. She is still only coming up 26 and not in a good place. Decided to settle on the other side of the world, so there is little I can do. I'm part of the problem any way - so I'm told. All three of my daughters have their problems and I worry about them, too much probably.
Gardener, I do feel for you and the things you write. I try to put my little problems into some perspective, compared to what you seem to go through on a daily basis. I wish you all the best with Mr G.
Love to all bloggers and readers.
Another Sally

A View from the Far Side Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 11:09pm

Another Sally, I went to the other side of the world, just for a year and I was really far apart from my Mum for a few years too. I think part of growing up is getting distance, getting perspective, understanding that your parent is just a flawed individual who's doing the best they can. But the last person who can teach you that is actually your Mum, you learn it from other people and sometimes on the other side of the world. She changes, you change - my Mum mellowed such a lot; we met in the middle. I don't know if this makes sense or helps.

Another Sally Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 2:23pm

Thank you for that. I'm sure it will all come out in the wash, as my mother used to say. AS

Rebecca Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 10:35pm

Great poem AVFTFS.x

A View from the Far Side Sat, Jun 18th 2016 @ 11:19pm

:-)

S Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 12:35am

Thanks for the reply earlier AVFTFS! It was lovely. Here's to good night for everyone or good day depending on where you live! Sx

Alice Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 12:56am

I remember that place well
I know that place
Those feelings, those emotions,
They once washed up on my shore

For sure, I felt it was the end
I did feel numb
I did feel dumb
Not a happy sense.....

I washed and wallowed in the brine
I felt like life would n.er be mine
And then the sun came out to shine
There is life and it can be mine

A View from the Far Side Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 8:38am

Oh my goodness Alice, what a fabulous poem, made me cry it touched me so much. Definitely a keeper - that's going on my wall. Did you write that today (yesterday now)?

Leah Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 2:14am

AVFTFS,
Thanks for sharing your poem which I assume you were talking about whether to put on moodscope, in reply to an earlier blog of mine. I am glad you did and the comments have been so thoughtful.

A View from the Far Side Sun, Jun 19th 2016 @ 8:39am

Actually Leah I'd already sent this one off; the one I wasn't sure about I sent a couple of days ago, so we'll see. AVFTFSxx

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