Eleanor Rigby was surely a Ninja.

18 Jul 2015
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I woke a little less heavy than normal and looked out at the sunshine smothering every part of life outside in her kiss. I looked at the garden. So well cared for and bursting with life. I looked at the mountains on 3 sides and at the sea on the 4th. I looked at the elegant parade that is my home for the holiday and admired it. I had left behind a thousand demands and woke for the 6th morning into this embrace. But...

I paced. I felt tormented by the ramble of voices when everyone woke. But I couldn't settle without them. I laundered things that could wait. I read a single page of my book. Then I read it again. I tried twice more then changed to the other book. The one I alternate with when I'm trying very hard to try hard.

Depression and it's cousins are visiting me on holiday and it's just bad manners. I have a face like a wet weekend and I wish to apologise and explain but in doing so it destroys the bricks of resilience I have managed to lay. Just two so far.

And so I made myself eat a banana. And drank two small cups of coffee. Looked at the mountains and realised they hold more secrets than just mine. And I wrote this. And now I have a starting point once again. I pulled on my Eleanor Rigby face that I keep in the jar by the door. And it will be ok. Ok is ok.

And I resisted the urge to edit all the 'ands'. I like them. They're better than 'buts'.

Try to find your starting point, everyday. Find a way to break through. You may not outrun it for long but you can for a bit. And everyday you know more. Go ninjas!

Love from

The room above the garage.

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Comments

The Entertrainer

July 18, 2015, 6:27 a.m.

Baninja = a banana eating psychological Ninja It is also their call sign! Such great writing, RATG, so vivid. I'm off to find out what an Eleanor Rigby face is. L'x

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Sally

July 18, 2015, 6:34 a.m.

What an apt description of the idyllic holiday coupled with the depressive state. Just impossible "to snap out of it, "but your suggestion is a good one.. Although I'm not sure what go Ninja means!!!

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Sarah M

July 18, 2015, 6:37 a.m.

Superb. Captured holiday difficulties brilliantly. Just back from similar experience. Fish n chips n letting go did it for me x hope ur hols go on ok and your slot of bananas. I am a baninja too x and I loved the mountain connection and everything - thank you!

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C A Morgan

July 18, 2015, 7:19 a.m.

Managing yourself with a depressed mood in an apparently happy situation is always tricky. Finding that gap or ***** through the heavy curtain of depression is worth the search so I hope your 'starting point' worked for you. I often have to reach for the 'face in the jar by the door' sometimes it turns out that by the end of the day my 'faces' have merged - in a good way, so hope yours does too.

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Mary Blackhurst Hill

July 18, 2015, 7:24 a.m.

Brilliant RATG! Just brilliant! "Depression and its cousins are visiting me on holiday and it's just bad manners!" I adore your writing. And yes - so many of us have been there, surrounded by loveliness but sitting under our own little raincloud (or surrounded by it). Love you and hope the rest of your holiday went better.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:44 a.m.

RATG, you are a gifted writer....and you have important things to say. This blog is perfectly packed with SO many images and thoughts in such a short space -- too many for me to comment on. Thank you so much. Reading this has definitely been my 'start' today. Love it! Have a happy Saturday. susan xx

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:47 a.m.

Morning Lex! DO ninjas have a call sign and DO they eat bananas? I'm so gullible!!!!!!! :-D Everyone seems to have their own definition of what Eleanor Rigby might be feeling...I just felt she struggled with depression but still put on her smile/mask and showed up everyday to try! Always makes me laugh to read the lyric meaning sections...some folks go into great detail (about which face cream it might have been!!) when in fact only Lennon McCartney can tell! How is your world today? Love ratg x.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:51 a.m.

Hi Sally, ninjas are us :-) We excel at our skill! Often hiding our pain and our strength. Love ratg x.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:53 a.m.

Baninja :-D We have a new word and I can't wait for Lex to deliver the outfits...love it! Love ratg x.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:54 a.m.

Exactly that...sometimes if you pretend it's ok, it becomes ok. Thank you, love ratg x.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:56 a.m.

Thank you Mary, I like it in here, safe and warm :-D How are you? Love ratg x.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 8:59 a.m.

Then I'm loving it too! :-D I hope your day works Susan, love ratg x.

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Julia

July 18, 2015, 10:30 a.m.

We are expected to be happy on holiday in the sun. That pressure makes it very difficult. A Doctor once said to me that even if I gave up work, my sleep wouldn't improve. I didn't want to believe him at the time but he was right. Whatever situation we put ourselves in, we are still the same us. Giving up work did help me in other ways though and being in the sun on holiday definitely helps my mood (as long as I can avoid people (!) which is impossible if you are with your family. The pressure is always there to act the part) I do hope looking back ratg, you feel you benefitted from the lovely scenery you describe and the heat.

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Leah

July 18, 2015, 10:55 a.m.

Ratg, Thanks for your blog. Alas our depression and our sad faces are with us all the time, sometimes they stay behind a mask or in the very back secret zippered section of one's bag, you know the place where you carefully pack items and can't find them till you return from holiday!! Birthdays are another time when we are expected to be haooy and I can't remember one birthday in my life when I haven't cried a little or felt like crying!! On sunny days , which we have quite a few in Australia, there is pressure to be happy an jolly. I used to like cold rainy days when I was younger as it was ok to be glum on those days. Love your writing. Also so envious you write so well even when depressed something I could never do.Leah

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 12:15 p.m.

Go T-ratg - and go well.

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Anonymous

July 18, 2015, 5:35 p.m.

Beautifully written, and just so true. Freya xx

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Anonymous

July 19, 2015, 11:41 p.m.

I don't know you and I love you. You beautiful person. Adrian

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Anonymous

July 20, 2015, 8:59 p.m.

Really loooooved this! Suzy

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