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Don't give up. Tuesday April 1, 2014

There's never a good time to talk about wanting to die. We don't like talking about it because it makes us feel uncomfortable and it is depressing and perhaps even pessimistic. But not being able to talk about it is what makes it worse, and can make a person much more lonely.

Feeling so bad that you think about dying is truly awful and I can say that because it happens to me a lot. Sometimes it is just a fleeting thought and then nothing for months or even years and sometimes it is a reccurring thought that stays with me for days, weeks, even months. That's when it gets tough and harder to see as a temporary situation that I can ride out.

I have thought about dying a lot and I have acted on it several times and thankfully pulled through, often with the odds stacked against me. Im neither proud nor ashamed of that. I just think it is okay to talk about sucidal thoughts and feelings. I think it is okay because talking about it has helped me to survive and to overcome some very dark moments.

I have tried many times to write a blog about suicide and suicidal feelings and always decided it was too depressing but then I thought well hey, not all of life is sunshine and rainbows and maybe somebody needs to hear that wanting to die happens and that people do survive it every day.

I would like to share a few statements that help me to hold on when things get particularly bad, be warned, they are not sugar coated:

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

People never get over the suicide of a loved one, it leaves so much pain for the people you care about.

Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. Don't give up.

If you feel suicidal please talk to somebody about it. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed and don't think you are on your own. You will survive it. Don't give up.

A Moodscope member.

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Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 7:46am

I thought: Suicide is a temporary solution for a permanent problem....

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 8:16am

Thanks Jules I really needed that today (-_-)

Suicide is a permanent solution because if successful there is no coming back hence to me it isn't temporary, and hopefully the suicidal feelings are temporary and will lift.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 8:28am

I really appreciated this blog as these are awful thoughts, but it is actually good to know you are not the only one who has them. On a good day I suggest writing down a list of reasons not to do it. I found you actually only really need one, and it gives you something to hang onto in the dark. Thanks for broaching a tough subject.

Rupert Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 8:38am

Thanks Jules I absolutely agree with what you are saying. I rang the Samaritans several times over last summer and it just helped to vocalise my thoughts to someone and to put a tiny but more perspective on things. I have come to one conclusion that suicide is almost a luxury bearing in mind the effect it would have on loved ones and is a way of escaping earthly turmoil. In some ways though the loved ones point makes you feel even worse because you have that thought to contend with as well as your own emotions. Not sure if much of this will make sense.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 8:43am

Talk about timing. Thanks Jules, you might just have saved my life.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:02am

Thank you for this...a friend of mine (she has been a friend for more than 30 years, we knew each other since our boarding school) decided to put an end her life on 23rd january this year. Five days before we all sat together drinking, eating, talking, laughing...none of us had the vaguest notion of the deep darkness inside her. Some of us knew about her fight against herself and against the depression accompanying her for long years - ever since she was 13 and her mother passed away. We are all still stunned and mourning and a bit afraid when we all meet together again in a couple of weeks. We meet regularly every three months and now there will be a gap...
As I read your blog I would like to support your ask: to all of you who fight with and against suicidal thoughts and feelings...try, try, try to talk to someoneabout it.Don't give up.

Lex McKee Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:04am

Dearest Jules - you can't have a better purpose, hand on heart, than the comment from Anon directly above. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:25am

So..... talking about it feels like it might help... what else has helped other people?

Mary Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:35am

Jules, thank you so much for being brave enough to write about this. Suicide is a temptation that walks with many of us; sometimes over on a parallel and distant path, sometimes alongside, grasping our hand, ready to jump us over the cliff into that black oblivion. Every day survived is a victory and thank goodness for the people (Samaritans, therapists, friends and family) who help us carry on.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:52am

Rupert, you make complete sense. The tragedy of suicide is not for the person gone, it is for the loved ones left with the loss and guilt.That goes on for years and years. Well done for talking to the Samaritans and for struggling on, hard though it is. Please keep on going.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:54am

Meditation/mindfulness. It stills the turmoil for a bit and gives that quiet space which is what you may want from death in the first place. You do have to come back from the meditation space, but you come back strengthened and a little more able to cope each time.

Debbie Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 9:59am

All said above but just wanted to add my thanks to for such an honest and sensitive piece this morning, Your thoughts have helped me and it would seem like others too. All of us be kind to ourselves.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 10:06am

Thanks for bringing this topic into the open. It is scary having thoughts of suicide. And talking about it difficult to do. I often wish I was not here. Had few close shaves with death. I have found many many reasons to go but even one tiny reason to stay is worth holding on to .... Suicide permanent but that one thing is enough sometimes. To die is a luxury but to stay is brave and one day at a time helps. Sending love hugs and encouragement to all who struggle with to stay or go !
Julie x

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 10:07am

Thanks for bringing this topic into the open. It is scary having thoughts of suicide. And talking about it difficult to do. I often wish I was not here. Had few close shaves with death. I have found many many reasons to go but even one tiny reason to stay is worth holding on to .... Suicide permanent but that one thing is enough sometimes. To die is a luxury but to stay is brave and one day at a time helps. Sending love hugs and encouragement to all who struggle with to stay or go !
Julie x

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 10:10am

Thank you Jules for your honest, open and frank comments about suicidal thoughts this morning. I work with young people and when they find the courage to talk about their deepest darkest thoughts I feel truly humbled that they confide in me. Talking helps but listening is the key, truly listening to what someone is saying is a gift you can offer. How many of us when asked how we feel respond without thought "I'm fine thanks, you?".

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 10:27am

Jules, I think talking about suicidal feelings is often the elephant in the room. Your honesty has clearly touched many people today and this post, as Lex has pointed out, has proved so incredibly important. Mark

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 10:52am

Thanks for bringing it up Jules! The shame you feel when talking about this with someone is just too much to bare sometimes. When people just stare at you as you were completely out of your mind (and perhaps you are when having those thoughts). And the worst about that is that when you finally take the step and find the curage to actually say something about how you really feel, you just get turned down and end up in a situation where you might have to defend yourself agains that persons opinion about suicide. Too bad there is such taboo talking freely about it.

Just wanted to say thanks for bringing it up <3

Nathanael Jones Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 11:55am

Thanks for the article! Like many people, I used to think that being suicidal was totally irrational and foolish. I was very superior in my attitude. Then I went through divorce and family breakdown (something I had thought impossible to happen in my life) resulting in a mental collapse that culminated in becoming obsessed with thoughts of suicide for many months.

It was not at all an irrational response to me, at the time. The intensity of the anguish I was in was so great, and the lack of hope for ever feeling better...death was not only logical as the only viable escape, it was deeply desirable.

The fight to pull through was driven by the need to not put my children, parents, and friends through my suicide. It was the thread I clung to. But the battle was such torment, because resisting the suicidal compulsions meant having to face another day in utter despair.

The correct anti-depressant medication did wonders to alleviate the suicidal thoughts, which puzzled me greatly, as they stemmed from circumstances and my emotional reaction to them, and nothing had changed in the circumstances. Anyway...suffice to say that meds can be very useful as part of your fight back strategy. I know we all are different, and experience varying benefits from a whole range of treatment methods. But for me the tablets were a crucial part.

The love and care of family and friends were vital too. Try not to isolate yourself.

I never thought it possible to have any kind of future, when in the depths of the pit. All you see is darkness. But there is hope to see the light again. It doesn't mean that all the pain goes away...I still have lots of hurt, even on a daily basis. But I can enjoy music and movies again, time with friends and family, holidays, helping others...loads of little lights in the grey gloom! Don't let the hopelessness that suicidal thoughts whisper at you snatch you from your loved ones. Its a lying voice. There was hope for me, and there is for all of us. Keep fighting back.

Melanie Lowndes Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 12:53pm

Dear Jules and everyone else posting especially Nathanial who shares so honestly, I am so touched by everything said here. I am lucky not to afflicted by suicidal thoughts - just a deep sadness which comes and goes. I read a book recently by Ruth Ozeki - A tale for the time being. It is very relevant and touching. Actually I listened to an audio book of it - read by Ruth Ozeki herself. I recommend it as another way to feel one is not alone. I think sharing with others (friends and family - or whoever is there to listen) is the best way.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 1:21pm

Thank you Jules for writing about this. It's just what I really needed to hear today. In the depths of my despair, I forget why I must keep going on. It helps to hear a sympathetic reminder that there is hope and something more than suicide.

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 1:31pm

Hi Jules, I rarely respond to the blogs, but this one struck a particular chord as a therapist told me that not everybody who suffers from depressive bouts also feels suicidal : It is something peculiar to you and how it manifests itself in you. This helped me as it made it more like a 'medical symptom' and less like a terrible thing I would take action on

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 2:16pm

I wrote a book called 'Footprints in the Sand' by Crawford Buchan to help other people and I also found it helped me to get everything down in writing.

Julia Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 3:04pm

Hi Melanie I too read Ruth Ozeki's A tale for the time being and thought about it instantly on reading Jules' blog today. The Japanese culture has a different perspective on suicide.(I was disappointed by the ending were you?!) but perhaps that is changing with the younger generation. Let's hope so.

Freya Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 3:05pm

Brave post, and very worthwhile. People are too scared to talk about it, but the talking helps to alleviate the isolation. One of my friends killed himself several years ago, and the tremors of that action continue to echo through other lives. Thnak you for this post x

Richard Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 5:03pm

Dear Jules,
I am indebted to you for this post. You have also reminded me of the Peter Gabriel / Kate Bush song. Thankyou. Warmest regards, Richard.

Dear Melanie & Julia,
Thankyou both for the book recommendation. Warmest regards, Richard.

Dear Moodscopers,
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
Warmest Regards,

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 5:23pm

Again, thank you for this post.
Reading it has helped me to feel less isolated in my frequent thoughts of death.
As one of the earlier commenters said, it's vital to find protective factors that will help to keep us safe.

Seonaid Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 5:26pm

Richard - that song runs through my head on an almost daily basis. One of many things that help.
best wishes

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 5:41pm

Hi all,

My dad attempted suicide several years ago. My family are still dealing with the reprecussions, but he gives me faith that someone who has reached a real low has the potential for a more positive life in front of them.

I'm involved with a charity which offers short-term, one off respite care to people who are feeling suicidal ( I wish that we'd known about this when my dad was ill, and I hope that it might be helpful should you find yourself in need in the future.

Best Wishes,


jules Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 8:05pm

Thank you for your heartfelt comments. Keep talking and keep reaching out, don't give up! Lots of love.
Jules x

Anonymous Tue, Apr 1st 2014 @ 11:35pm

Thank you so much for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you <3 Remember to take your own advice, and never give up. It's easier to write and say and think these things when we aren't feeling suicidal, but a lot harder to remember when those feelings are upon us. So please listen to yourself, and never give up <3

Silvia A Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 3:46am

Nice to hear someone speaking about medication because it can really help.
Also , a very good comment.

Lex McKee Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 7:54am

Jules' "hand over the heart" comment really reminds me that we find purpose and make purpose - one of the most important aspects of being human and having consciousness. I'm not sure if there is purpose in the Universe but I do know that humans who find or even invent a purpose in the Universe are happier. I don't care if I'm making it up anymore - as long as I assign a purpose to my day, actions and experiences.

As a result of Jules' comment, I put my hand on my heart and said to myself, "My work here isn't finished." It helped me. Hugely. Whilst my heart may be just a pump, it is the pump that allows consciousness to continue - and while that happens I will find a purpose in it. Having a physical action to remind me of this helps me at a low point in my life.

Thank you Jules.

jules Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 9:06am

Hey Lex, something you might find interesting is heart math. I think if you google heart math institute you can read about it on their website. It's a group of scientists studying neurons in the heart and how central the heart and heart based meditations can be to a feeling of balance.
Jules x

Suzy Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 11:38am

Great post Jules. Huuuge well done xx

Chris Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 6:12pm

Well done Jules for a very good and helpful post. Back in 2001 I was actively suicidal, and didn't realise I was ill with severe depression. Luckily I didn't go through with it, managed to get help, and recovered fairly quickly. Last year I got depressed again. Various changes in medication didn't seem to be having any effect, and I was having suicidal thoughts. This time, however, I knew what was happening to me, and half my brain was telling me "OK, you are having these thoughts of killing yourself, but you don't have to act on them". I couldn't make the thoughts go away, but I think I knew I wouldn't act on them, and knew that I would eventually get better. I did tell my psychiatrist about not wanting to wake up. I could have been more honest with him. Luckily I started to feel better just before Xmas, and have been fine ever since. I happen to be a trainer in mental health awareness, and in suicide intervention skills (ASIST - Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training - see - a very good two day course in how to help a person with suicidal thoughts). Yes, it is good to talk to someone if you are having suicidal thoughts. But it is very difficult to do so. And yes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And yes, losing a loved one to suicide is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

Richard Wed, Apr 2nd 2014 @ 8:58pm

Seonaid - It sure is a beautiful song. Music therapy. It works. Thankyou for writing. With Love, From Me to You. Richard.

Nathanael Jones Sun, Apr 6th 2014 @ 9:04pm

Thanks Silvia :-) I had to persist with GP's as they are not always on the ball with Mental health (some are, just not all) it was an urgent appointment with a consultant psychiatrist that helped, after well over a year without success. He tried the older tryclical ones as four types of the more common ones used today were totally without effect. The benefit was quite striking.

Meds are only part of the picture, of course. But definately worthwhile when the battle to function and stay alive is so intense.

Nathanael Jones Sun, Apr 6th 2014 @ 9:23pm

Hi Nicola. Thanks for the Maytree link. I have three children, and they were just young teenagers when I had the breakdown. They were aware of my battle with suicide and I'd love to be able to wind back the clock and spare them the knowledge of that. Just knowing that I was very seriously entertaining the idea of killing myself was very traumatic to them. Two things in particular...1) what had happened to their fun, happy, strong dad, the one they looked up to and the source of their security ..2) why doesn't dad love us enough to want to stay around?

These things are massive blows to anyone, never-mind 10 to 16 year olds.

But the suicidal compulsions triggered by severe depression can steamroller through the most loving and committed fathers defences. Desiring death is not an indication of lack of love, but a sign of extreme desperation in the face of overwhelming turmoil or pain.

I am sure you have worked through this, but as a dad with a daughter I just wanted to cheer you on in your charity work and remind you of what you know.

Dande Lion Fri, Apr 11th 2014 @ 4:15pm

‘Ring the bell that still rings, forget your perfect offering, there’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.’ (Leonard Cohen)
Thank you so much Jules for handling this subject with such grace. I’m in a fairly stable place at the moment, but seem to share similar patters to yourself in my own visits to the dark side. Of course, every word you said made sense, but that sensibility is not even a recognisable or accessible feeling or memory when I am actually engulfed by the dark zone. As many of you will know, the extreme distress and pain is so agonising and all consuming, that suicide seems the only way out. Fortunately, those of you who don’t get suicidal, will not truly be able to fully empathise with this curse, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But I would wish understanding and compassion for all people, as perhaps many of us would suffer less, the isolation of it compounds it greatly. (Feeling that no-one who I know, actually understands, is a common trigger for me when I’m going down the slide into the pit)
Anyway, having battled suicidal depression for 30 plus years successfully, I can concur that it would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I do always feel better and am not suicidal most of the time. Having been convinced that I would one day follow through one of my many plans to end it all, I now realise that because I am identifying more strongly with the Buddhist/Spiritual path, I know that my soul/sprit would not be freed by suicide, only my mind-body. That has been enough to keep me here, often resentfully. But when I am well, I practice an attitude of gratitude and mindfulness (which is proving to be more powerful than I could imagine) and I am reminded that I do make a positive, albeit small difference in this crazy world. I am also reminded that, in real terms, the world is crazy – not me, and that perhaps feeling a deep sense of wanting to cut myself away from the pain of the world with all its injustice and cruelty, poverty, famine, climate damage, greed and falsehood etc is in some ways a very natural response. (I’m practising turning my reactions into responses – choiceful/powerful)
I have a choice to focus on all the wonder and beauty in nature and its countless gorgeous creatures, and the innate goodness in people (lots of you are here), and give thanks for being on the planet at such a time of huge change. I use that awareness as an opportunity to do some political campaigning on facebook to help make a difference to the causes that matter to me, sometimes it works. But the hope keeps me alive (hand on heart) and raises my vibration and there is a lot in that. I don’t watch mainstream news – it’s always a trigger for me but I engage with it constructively as above and read some positive news as well. (There’s a great blog on here about that) I am learning to take care of myself nutritionally and naturally and chose a vegan lifestyle to help end suffering to other living creatures (as I deeply value life – something I forget temporarily when ill); there are countless benefits to me too surprisingly.
I’m transmuting my suffering into light, and am but a small light like a pebble in a big pond, though I take great encouragement by knowing that ‘it’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness’ as Ghandi said. As another wise soul said, ‘that which is revealed to light become slight itself’ It’s been working for me……..
I’m wishing you a heartfelt gentle and increasingly bright day. Remember Leonard Cohen’s words above.
With love
DL x

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