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Determination. Sunday May 29, 2016

You appear at my door and barge through without as much as a 'Hello' or 'How you doing?'
You are my omnipresent shadow
That disappears, lulling me into a false sense of security.

And then wham, bam you return,
With no real notice,
Unwanted and yet...

You are essentially always there,
A presence, sometimes abhorred, sometimes tolerated and sometimes just ignored,
A dark spectre that years of treatment has failed to dissolve.

What now?

I live with you, you vile stalker,
But I will not be reduced to your level.

If you insist on accompanying me on my journey
Do not expect any gratitude,
Because I may acknowledge your presence,
You may make those things I wish to do feel like lumpen weights,

But I will still do them!

Tea with a friend, the warmth of the child who insists on sharing my bed 'just to get to sleep', the crisp January air...I will feel them all and more besides.

So,You, GET THIS, Go home when you want,
But I will make sure I win.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Ruth Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 6:36am

How awesome is your blog for Sunday 29th May!! ????
Today I fly home from Dubai after the most amazing 10 days of my life.......;-)
I,like you,don't ask for much in life...and I acknowledge I am very fortunate to have my holidays in the sun.
I feel rejuvenated and my vitamin D is well topped up and will keep me well along with my meds,acupuncture,exercise and healthy eating.
We all have to face The Black Dog,some more than others,however with using the tools that help ME and my many memories of happy times I,like you,will beat The Stalker,The BlackDog or The Gremlin-who sits in my shoulder and tells me I'm not a good person
I am the Best Person-and so are you Sweetheart
Take care of you remember that because you are SO WORTH IT....??????

Hopeful One Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 6:57am

Hi BrumMum- your poem is just beautiful! It speakers to me of : hope,determination, endeavour,acceptance and a desire to never never never never give in. With those behind us I am sure we will win.

The Squadron's victory against Alzeimer's from claiming two victims or from the The Black Dog from claiming one victim was won with all those tools. The Squdron came out laughing - and laughs to this day as fellow Moodscopers know so well . So here goes today's laugh- a wry observation on marriage from a man's point of view.

I once met a man who had been married for 50 years. "Amazing. 50 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "50 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 7:42am

This made me laugh Hopeful One.Julxx

Tutti Frutti Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:01am

And made me smile. Keep them coming! TF

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 7:51am

Hi Brum Mum. I don't know why but I thought "If you can't beat 'em, join'em" when I was reading your blog today. Whether I have just given up trying to fight my depression and have learnt (reluctantly) to live with it as it's always there I don't know. It's not exactly resignation on my part but more acceptance.However it's not always like that and I did relate to your writing 100%. With my depression, I can do all those things, like coffee with a friend and appreciate the beauty of nature etc, but am unable to be terribly adventurous. When I'm feeling great, I face the world with lots of energy. I liked your blog Brum Mum!Julxx

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:03am

Your blog really resonated with me because however low I feel, or anxious, deep down at the very core of myself is a determination not to allow the daily gifts of life - children being children, kindness of strangers or thoughtfulness of friends & family - to be marred by my mood. I am not my emotions, so I will move through and on........grit & determination are key.

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:03am

Your blog really resonated with me because however low I feel, or anxious, deep down at the very core of myself is a determination not to allow the daily gifts of life - children being children, kindness of strangers or thoughtfulness of friends & family - to be marred by my mood. I am not my emotions, so I will move through and on........grit & determination are key.

Tutti Frutti Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:09am

Great poem Brum Mum.

I sometimes think that sheer determination is one of the most important tools we have to get better when we are really down. If I can make myself just get off the sofa and unstack the dishwasher then other things start to seem more possible and I can start doing other things to help myself like going for a walk. But at times the first step can be really demanding.

Good luck to anyone who is down there today. Love TF

The Gardener Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:54am

Thanks Brum Mum - I needed such encouragement today. I remember my depressions (clinical, as opposed to that of despair at the moment) how they would arrive, like a summer storm - sometimes one went down the slippery slope to the bottom, and, hopefully climbed out the other side. Mostly wham! Where did that come from? And, when it was over, you remembered only too clearly what trouble, and worry you caused, and, usually, how nasty you were. Bear with me for the following - any suggestions gratefully received. Mr G will do nothing for himself if he can help it - his only problem, and it's a big one, is poor eyesight. So the nurses get him up, and depending on the day I thing 'he can't sit there, sun will be in his eyes. Not there, sun will reflect on white wall opposite. Won't sit on our super comfortable Florentine chairs, too heavy. Has own chair - this morning? Draught from he door. I fled to avoid blowing up. Had loads to do upstairs - could hear him yelling for me - against washing machine, radio and mass bells (belfry 50 metres from bedroom, lovely). I refused to go down - if he had come up on his stair-lift (says could not find it, forgotten how to use it). Well, use the stairs, dear Henry, dear Henry (have all words of song There's a hole in my bucket in my desk diary). Luckily (in my post yesterday I said that my father never accepted the word 'can't' from me) I set to and attacked anything that needed attention, and then some - also did some brilliant (I reckon') forward planning, using any visitor or neighbour who does not dodge quickly enough. BUT, bearing on todays blog, I now wake depressed in the morning, because I have to leap over this hurdle of total misery, draw on my inner strength, and keep going.

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 1:27pm

Is this the first time you have ignored Mr G's calling for you? Were you pleased you held out and didn't rush downstairs to help him? Yet again! I hope he finally sorted out for himself what was bothering him? Perhaps you shouldn't jump each time he wants something done, that is, if you do tend to jump. First thing in the morning is always the most depressing for me and many others I gather. But as Brum Mum says in today's blog, determination gets us up and through the most difficult of days. I hope you haven't had too many orages Gardener and also are managing with the strikes and fuel shortages. I cannot use the car here in Limousin as we have a full tank plus a full jerry can and need that to get back to Calais next week. Our Super U fuel station has run out of Diesel. Jul xx

Hopeful One Mon, May 30th 2016 @ 6:16am

Hi Gardner- you are going through a tough time and my heart is with you. In Freudian terms Mr G is using a denial mechanism ,when the Ego is under stress , called regression. It is a movement back in psychological time when an adult man becomes childishly dependent on his wife. His condition means he does not have the mechanisms to correct this. I thought I might mention this to help you understand ,in psychological terms, what may be going on and thereby reduce your own stress.

Anonymous Mon, May 30th 2016 @ 7:39am

This is interesting Hopeful.Is there any treatment or anything one can do to correct this condition? Is the man childishly dependant on the wife in the same way he was dependant on his mother? I wonder if regression would apply to wives too.I guess I can Google Freudian regression or does it apply only to men? If the man has no mechanisms to correct this regression, it all seems rather pointless and depressing. I am not sure I could deal with a husband who had regressed in Freudian terms. Would treating them like a naughty child help? Rewarding them for good behaviour etc? I found your response to Gardener so interesting and surprising and am very glad I looked back to Brum Mum's blog today. Jul xx

Anonymous Mon, May 30th 2016 @ 7:40am

A bit of cut and paste mistakes there. Julx

Another Sally Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 11:37am

Thanks Brum Mum, a good poem. My low moods, thankfully, don't take me too far down but I find they rob me of joy. That gladness of heart that lightens the load. I do enjoy a laugh at HO's jokes and occasionally get a fit of the giggles, but they seem few and far between. I have so many things to be thankful for, but the black dog, even if small, just takes the edge off everything, and drains my energy.

Gardener, I so admire your perseverance. Hang on in there and keep communicating with these lovely Moodscope people. I am so glad you are all there.

Anonymous Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 11:56am

Hi Another Sally. Your depression sounds just like mine. I never go that far down either."The black dog takes the edge off everything". Couldn't put it better. It's nice to know there is someone out there who experiences depression in this way too. Jul xx

Hopeful One Mon, May 30th 2016 @ 6:25am

Hi Brum Mum - thanks for the mention in dispatches and so glad to to read that my attempts at humour bring a lighter moment in you day . Have you tried standing in front of the mirror and just laughing in private for five minutes every day ? Sounds silly I know but you might see a difference . I did. The reason is that the brain will dispense those feel good neuro chemicals regardless as it does not need to know why one is laughing.

The Gardener Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 4:39pm

To anonymous 1.27. We have fuel,since Friday, don't know if it's available rest of France at all, news hazy. It's not the first time I've ignored Mr G - but things get worse by the day. He sits, and, naturally, I put the radio on. He yells, I yell back, to come and find me - ye yells back he can't hear (a bit deaf as well, and starts swearing. Taking considerable flak whilst writing this because I'm 'always doing something'. My mum was just the same 'why don't you come and sit down'. I am battling, and winning, over guilt. I have done everything possible to ease Mr G's path - custom-designed house, warmth, good food, radio/discs. He could walk out and see people. 'Another Sally' said 'Hang on in there'. You can't stick someone in a home, taking up a space for someone with more needs, we could not afford it anyway, for someone who is bone idle, and, as I was warned, manipulative and abusive. But our life is a permanent 'black dog'. When I manage a good laugh with somebody I feel it is some alter ego found from somewhere.

The Gardener Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 7:09pm

I am eating in the office, in full retreat from Mr G. Having provided an excellent meal, before serving it I said please sit where you are comfortable He rejected daylight (no sun, no dazzle) and electric light (dazzle) and no light (can't see) then started yelling about the awfulness of his life. Delightful people, both teachers, coming again to see house which they would love to buy - she teaches Eng Lit, and we are indulging in delightful one-liners on our favourite Evelyn Waugh novels - mine has to be The Loved One. Oh, the relief of correspondence, letting fly, talking nonsense - just getting away from the awfulness of the moment.

the room above the garage Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:33pm

I really like this BrumMum! Getting angry at it and facing it head on, yes! Thank you for strengthening our resolve, love ratg x.

the room above the garage Sun, May 29th 2016 @ 10:34pm

I really like this BrumMum! Getting angry at it and facing it head on, yes! Thank you for strengthening our resolve, love ratg x.

Peter Mon, May 30th 2016 @ 9:40am

Thank you BrumMum. As eloquent and poetic as anything I have ever seen. And very good advice too. Wishing you peace and tranquillity always. ????

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