Moodscope's blog

19

April


Deep Dark Depression. Sunday April 19, 2015

How do we connect,
To the world out there;
When we are lost,
With our souls laid bare?

When we cannot move,
To even eat.
When we have to sit,
In the same old seat.

When we cannot,
Answer the phone.
When we are always,
Home alone.

When we refuse,
That knock on the door.
When we take sanctuary,
Flat on the floor.

When it’s too much,
To write an email.
When we can only,
Always, always fail.

When I cannot,
Simply get dressed.
When answering a question,
Feels like a test.

When coming daylight,
Is the foe.
Because I’m stupid,
Didn’t you know.

Depression is a demon,
That can take you.
It’s an awful obsession,
It’s a black dark hue.

It’s a burning spear,
Right through the heart.
It’s never welcome,
Yet when will it depart?

It’s the death of life,
It’s the death of soul,
It’s the death of everything,
Including your goal.

You can lose your family,
And your job too.
What can depression,
Not do to you?

There’s nothing it leaves,
As it rampages through.
Like a windblown desert,
Burned into you.

It’s twisting and turning,
While holding that knife.
The one you’ll lose most,
Is your husband or wife.

So do not despair,
You’re not alone out there.
Get into Moodscope,
Get in and share.

Some of your hurt,
Some of your heart,
A door may open,
Then you can start.

To take that simple step
That you thought had ended.
And find some feelings,
So you feel befriended.

That single step,
Of those thousand miles.
Where at the end,
Is a host of smiles.

So if you are stuck,
All black and blue,
I ask you what,
Are you going to do?

Whatever it is,
It MUST be done.
Nothing will change,
That first step MUST come.

So good luck to you,
Fighting inside.
It’s never healthy,
To simply hide.

You have to move,
And connect to people.
I know it feels like,
You have to climb a steeple.

It’s nothing so grand,
It’s nothing so high,
It’s a single step,
But please don’t say ‘try’.

To ‘try’ is to fail,
To risk is to win,
That first step,
Is how you begin.

Begin today,
To have your say.
It’s YOUR life,
Begin today.

Les
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Julia Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 8:43am

If only we could blame " society" whatever that is, for our depression and not ourselves. It seems to be on the increase. Why is that? I think the answer is outside ourselves and we should change this culture of personality wealth and power. Easy! Not. Another eloquent poem Les written from the heart.

Julia Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 8:45am

My Internet connection is down at home so using my phone which will explain typos for the next few days.

Jnet Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:35am

Thank you. I find comfort reading Deep Dark Depression having similar experiences myself.

Judirose Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:39am

You are so eloquent in your depression, thank you, just reading your poem gives me comfort.

Elin Piercey Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 11:20am

Bloody brilliant Les! Xxxx

Jac Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 11:40am

Such eloquence to express such pain. I am sure the brain is hot wired. But it doesn't make it any easier. Thank you for sharing so openly and thus allowing all those in pain to not feel quite so alone.

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 12:26pm

Yes this makes sense. But how do we process stuff with out doing this? We have to process our own stuff don't we? Others don't know our stuff with out lots of our talking. Good poem. But I'm struggling. Thanks again. Cheers. Just

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 2:50pm

Eloquent writing as already mentioned and truly touching for me this rainy, dark Sunday in Illinois. I have never posted as I suppose I've been afraid - of what? The monster in my head judging myself and not being able to take a risk and be vulnerable but knowing in my heart it is only through vulnerability that I make connection. I've been thinking for a long time that having a moodscope "buddy" might lessen my depression and anxiety. I wonder if anyone out there might feel the same and want to connect? Sick and tired of living in my head so much of the time! - Kristen

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 3:43pm

pathetic poem but true sentiment

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 3:54pm

Thanks for reaching me.

Julia Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 4:34pm

Hi Kristen. Sio glad you have made contact. Bravo! Caroline may be able to help you with a buddy. She may see this or you can email her at support@moodscope.com

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:45pm

For me, it is because so many of us are having to live lives which are not aligned with our own personal values......stress if often (if not mostly) about not living the lives that are 'inside' us.

If that is the case....using Heartmath we can see how out of coherence we are....and thus every single beat of our hearts is in an incoherent state and thus does not and cannot heal.

Too materialistically / money focussed and thus we literally 'sell' our soul.....without even realising it - as it is so normal to do.

Real courage is to be the person we really are - while the rest of the world attempts to change us into something else.

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:46pm

Thanks.....that is what I hoped when I wrote the blog this week

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:46pm

Again - thanks for that feedback....that was my intention.

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:47pm

:-)

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:48pm

Again - completely my intention - thanks for taking the time for that feedback..

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:51pm

Maybe the challenge is not to 'process stuff'?

I know for me, that thinking really does not work - it's a hamster wheel of IQ thoughts.............when for me, I need some EQ feelings.

The only person we can change in the world is ourselves......and to change the way we think - may just be one of the great challenges for all of us, in so many ways.....as it may just be about feeling.....and not judging ourselves against the one we simply cannot win against - ourselves?

Thanks for putting it out there...............

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 6:57pm

Thanks Anon 1450hrs from over in the US......and great that you have posted your comment :-)

My comments above about self talk for me are the most challenging if I am depressed.

When I am OK tho.....those feelings enable me to see life so much more richly....the black box becomes a gift, even although I cannot see it at the time.

Great idea to et a buddy.........for sure get one through the web......maybe also as powerful to get one in your own geographic area, one who can simply call up and say 'let's go for a coffee'?

Someone local can have a far greater effect........

Caroline at Moodscope may be able to assist as Julia says - let's see.......

Otherwise of course keep posting.... :-)

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 7:02pm

Really positive comment for a mental health web site.....?

Would have read far better as something like 'the words don't do it for me, but the sentiment does'.......

Unless of course you want to seem clever?

Personally I prefer compassionate wisdom to IQ ego cleverness......

Still it is your opinion......and we are all different...better to be positive in life tho than negative I would have thought?

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 7:03pm

That is my aim....

So thanks for your feedback......it helps me.

rosie Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 7:28pm

Thank you for deep dark depression. It reminded me I'm not alone, and that the way I'm feeling and acting are all products of depression. And its challenging to take the one step - the aspect of depression I find most debilitating is the level of anxiety and fear of the simplest things. But I won't give up fighting...

Eliz Piercey Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:03pm

what does that mean Les?

Eliz Piercey Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:06pm

well said Les

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:07pm

It is a smiley face.....well my attempt at it ;-)

That's one with a wink.

To say thanks......

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:12pm

Go do it Rosie.............step......and then another step.......each day a step.

Maybe even don't fight 'it'.....simply step out from it.....the metaphor you use could be important.........?

Robert Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:13pm

I suffered terribly with anxiety and depression since I was 13 and have blogged a bit about it here http://controlyourmindset.com/1 I lost my best years. It was only last year I finally got a hold on my issues.....I was 49.

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:15pm

Hi Robert

So.............your 'best years' could actually be ahead of you.....could they?

SallyAnn Hay Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 9:23pm

I'm always glad to find one of your poems and it seems to me that you have come a long way and give encouragement to many fellow sufferers and you still have a sense of humour :-) despite all the difficulties you've had. You're moving in the right direction :-)

Caroline Ashcroft Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 10:33pm

Hi Kristen, welcome and thanks for commenting. Please do email me and we'll see what we can do about a Moodscope buddy.

Caroline Ashcroft Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 10:43pm

Hi Anonymous, unfortunately I didn't see your comment before Les did because if I had I would have removed it. Everyone has different opinions and we welcome constructive comments, but to say a poem that someone has written from their heart is pathetic, is not constructive in any way. We are all trying to help each other on the Moodscope blog, please bear this in mind when making any future comments. I would also like to apologise to Les for not having removed it which I will do if you’d like me to Les.

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 10:46pm

Thank you Les, it's my life indeed, trying to claim it back. Hope you're doing ok, love from the room above the garage.

Anonymous Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 10:53pm

Hi Robert, for me too, early teens, only I had no idea then. I echo Les, the best may be just up the road. Even if that is simply peace with ourselves it will be the best! Love from the room above the garage.

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 11:05pm

Hi Caroline

Nahhh its OK thanks - just leave it.

That way .....anonymous at least receives feedback which may help guide him/her in the future.

To say that they get 'the true sentiment' cannot possibly be true....as if they did - and they then write such a statement to someone who was depressed and suicidal - it may have rather dire consequences!!!

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 11:08pm

Hi RATG

I'm doing fine thanks..........

Keep claiming it back.........mind you - I'd rather you just 'did it' than 'try' :-)

Les Sun, Apr 19th 2015 @ 11:10pm

Hi SallyAnn

Thanks for that response.......and yes you are right.....things have moved on considerably and are still moving in the right direction.

I cannae even spell humor / humore / heumore / (see..?) when I'm depressed.

Janet Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 12:01am

Spot on Les - the door, the phone, the email, the question. The day to day things that I find so easy well I'm feeling well are so incredibly difficult when I'm unwell. But what I have learnt thanks to depression is that when I'm not depressed life is fab & I love it. Thank you. Janet x

Les Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 12:08am

Hi Janet

A friend once gave me a black box.....it took me years to realise, that it to, was indeed a gift.

Everything that happens to us can be seen / used in a positive light.

I would not be able to write as I do, if I had not lived in that 'black box' for some of my life.

Sarah M Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 8:01am

Beautiful poem Les. Says it all really well ( and I'm most envious of all the rhyming words! My poetry is a bit more free form but I do like a good rhyme ;)) and yes Moodscope does get you and give you a wee gentle shake and a reminder that you are not alone - thank you :)

Les Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 8:18am

Hi Sarah

Thanks for that......its all about not being alone.

Cat Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 8:46am

Hi Les, it's Cat here, a few weeks ago you held my hand along with other kind souls from moodscope on a very black day. Just one step you said. I am still here and I owe that very fact to you. You have a gift of insight and compassion that is beyond description. Thank you for your poem today, it is exceptionally accurate and eloquent. I am grateful to you for sharing your wisdom and strength, I am still alive taking small steps because of your wisdom and kindness THANKYOU. Perhaps anonymous is in a very very dark place today and their anger and belittling comes from being overwhelmed and fearful. I hope they will reconsider what made them feel the need to be critical and offensive. For my personally your description of depression is insanely accurate. Thank you Les for your strength and compassion you have been a life line for me. Cat

Les Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 8:57am

Hi Cat

FABULOUS to hear :-)

We can all 'offer' thoughts - it is you that has to hear them.......then act.

You are an example to so many others - you didn't 'try' to take that step - you took it.

Fab fab fab...........

Keep stepping (said in the way they say 'keep dancing' in that BBC dance programme......

Cat Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 10:00am

:-) have a positive and joy filled day Les. Warm regards, Cat

Anonymous Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 3:21pm

Thank you for the encouragement and I will email Caroline.
-Kristen

Anonymous Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 9:18pm

I do not believe that you were depressed and suicidal writing this "poem " - it is not that bad as poetry goes and took a lot of energy usually not available to depressed individuals
. I did not mean to hurt you but unfortunately , being very high , got annoyed having to pick at meaning from awkward ..... well I am doing it again ... maybe when my mood kicks me of my high horse I will be able to apologize properly.Thank you for being so gracious and letting the comment remain - it is a warning to me to rain my tongue in - I can see now where trolls come from - however all that positivity here is so sickly sweet......still I am too much of a coward to post anything or even reveal my name so probably I am the pathetic bipolar one. Now I know that Caroline removes all negative comments I will not be tempted to read any as all this mutual admiration does not help my mood at all.

Caroline Ashcroft Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 10:00pm

Hi Anonymous, I do hope you are feeling calmer soon so that you can perhaps post something and appreciate the blogs. I don't remove all negative comments - those that are constructive can be helpful.

Les Mon, Apr 20th 2015 @ 10:44pm

And just to add.......it is the blogger that takes the real risk - to reveal themselves and their thoughts......my aim is to help people feel less alone in that dark place. Surely a good thing?

I wasn't saying 'I' was depressed and suicidal...simply pointing out the fact that if someone in that dark place had had the courage to write something and you came back with such overt negativity....who knows what the consequences could be?

If such supposed 'mutual admiration' or 'sickly sweet' does not suit you......simply read the blog and do not go to the comments page as you say yourself.

Better to prevent than attempt to cure afterwards, especially when you find it difficult to control yourself!

Constructive criticism is fine, as Caroline states.

Plain overt selfish negativity helps no one.

Glad you are becoming more self aware.......as that is the start of all change and the next step is self control.

Good luck.

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