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November


Death of a friend. Thursday November 3, 2016

Flumpy died on Wednesday.

I took her to the Vet.

It was the right thing to do.

I have no regrets.

Nevertheless I am bereft at the loss of my loyal friend who has been there for me everyday, through good times and bad over the last 16 years.

To some my reaction may seem self indulgent, pathetic and weak.

Why should their opinion worry me so?

For the first time in my life, I have decided to show the same level of compassion and understand-ing to myself, that I would freely show to others.

This is something new for me.

They say there are two types on people in the world. Takers and givers. Takers apparently eat better while givers sleep better...hmmm...I don't agree. I have spent all of my life giving..and although I don't regret this, I do regret forgetting to give to me! Over the last year during my recu-peration from 'burn out', I have come to realise this simple mistake that so many of us with depres-sion make.

I now work tirelessly at not feeling selfish when I do small things for me.

I accept that I am as human and emotional as anyone else.

Today I feel as if I have 'rocks in my heart'...and for that I will not apologise.

Life is sometimes painful and that pain is subjective to the individual feeling it. I have chosen this time to accept, respect and heal in my own way and in my own time.

I will forgive those who do not understand.

Marie
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Tracy Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 5:59am

Marie, I do understand the grief you feel over this loss. I know many people don’t understand how losing a pet can be so sad; I just don’t get how it can be so hard to understand that! But I digress.

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad that you've decided to be gentle with yourself. I lost my cat Cassie six years ago and I still feel that loss. She accompanied from the beginning of my adult life and through the next 15 years. She was a huge part of my life for a long time. It sounds like Flumpy was with you for a long time too, and to me it seems strange that it isn’t just a given that we will grieve over a pets loss.

Have you ever read the poem The Rainbow Bridge? Someone gave me that poem when Cassie died and though I don’t consider myself a very religious person, it comforted me and I hope it is true. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to leave a link in the comments here, but if you haven’t read the poem, just do a search and you'll see it. There are variations, but the theme is consistent.

I wish you peace Marie,
Tracy

Marie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:26am

Thank you for your kindness. I will read the poem. M

the room above the garage Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:07am

Marie I'm sorry you have lost a friend. It's a big loss, they know our secrets and have stood strong beside us through all manner of life. Take the time you need. And yes, no apologies. Thinking of you, love ratg x.

Marie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:27am

Thank you for your compassion. M

Mary S Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:19am

Marie,
I am so very sorry for your loss of Flumpy.
I have had to choose euthanasia for two cats, both of whom were with me through so much over 14 and 16 years respectively.
I know what you mean about feeling you have rocks in your heart. When my cats were ill I fought to save them, and when the time came to realise the battle was lost I felt totally numb at the thought I had to not only let go but undertake a conscious decision about euthanasia.
And after they were gone I was of course racked with guilt, doubt, grief, shock, along with a degree of relief that they were no longer suffering (and then more guilt.....)

I can forgive people who dont understand what we are going through, but I honestly have NO time for those people who choose to communicate that fact to someone who is grieving.

You are by NO means alone in your reaction to this. I have seen more than one person say that the loss of a pet has actually affected them more than the loss of a family member.

Try to take care of yourself as best you can, and in time I hope you can begin to enjoy all your treasured memories of good times you shared with Flumpy.
Dont let anyone tell you to rush the grieving process.

Marie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:30am

Thank you. I really relate to your insight. I even gave her a bath every Sunday as near the end with her arthritis she was not so keen on the cleaning! I know I did everything I could, but it's amazing how you still feel guilt. Your kind words are appreciated. M

Sally Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:19am

What a sensible and sensitive blog, Marie . Of course it's time to spend time on you. You have given and given. We are programmed from an early age, girls more so than boys, I think, to care of ,and give to others selflessly.
Flumpy sounds gorgeous. I hope you will treasure many happy memories of her cat life. Wednesday must've raked up a ton of emotions for you. Naturally. Our dear animals/ pets are such a comfort. They seem to understand our moods and respond appropriately. You take care, Marie, and be firm with those who just don't understand the wonders of a loved pet.

Marie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:33am

Thank you. I agree totally with your comments. By nature I nurture! But I am definitely of a generation that has been programmed to care for others to the point of almost self harm..... I now see my burn out as a life saver....as is the Moodscope community:)

M

Adam G Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 7:43am

Well said Marie!

Tutti Frutti Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 7:54am

Marie Of course you will be grieving for a pet who has been part of your immediate family household for such a long time. I remember how sad it was when our rabbit died aged 10 when I was a teenager.

These days we have gerbils and they aren't with you for so long but they are very tame and friendly and perk me up when I am low. I was still really upset when the first one (smoky) died at a respectable but not excessively old age, probably more so than my daughter who is their actual owner. His original cage mate (Syrup) died last week but he was really very old and had been very doddery of recent months and had already had to have an op for a scent gland tumour about 6 months ago. I absolutely agonised about the scent gland tumour and putting an old gerbil through an op but it proved to be fine. Although Syrup did end up get very doddery he was still friendly with us (climbing up your arm to come out of his cage for cuddles) and interacting with the younger gerbils (who we bought as babies to keep Syrup company after Smoky died) up until the day before he died. Given his age and the way he died I don't feel anything like as sad this time but he was still a really lovely gerbil who we miss.

Do give yourself all the time you need to grieve and don't feel you are being unreasonable.
Love and hugs TF xoxo

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 7:55am

Hi Marie,
So sad for you with the loss of Flumpy :/ our pets are our family and we would miss any one of our family, so why not our beloved pets? Remember that by being a giver, you gave Flumpy a wonderful life, and that's the most important thing for her - to be cared for and loved. So now carry on giving...but to yourself.
Big Bear hugs xxxx

Salt Water Mum Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 8:13am

Oh Marie, what a beautiful cat, well done for putting up the picture and writing about Flumpy. You are entitled to grieve and make no apologies to anyone.

We spend so much time caring for others and their needs - right now is your time for Self-Care. It's much needed and deserved - it's 'be kind and gentle to Marie time'.

Hugs,
SWM x

Milliecat Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 8:29am

Aw sending you lots of love today Marie - what a beautiful cat Flumpy looks. I often think that it really doesnt matter who has died, whether it is a human or an animal, as the connection and the loss are just as powerful whatever species has passed. I sense your journey through your grief will bring you a whole lot of insight into compassion, and especially that which we must show ourselves. Kind regards Sx

The Gardener Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 8:38am

Marie - losing an animal is sad, because, I think, for everybody, young, old, with a family, alone, needs what only an animal can give - attention to YOU, with no demands. We have had 5 cats in 62 years of married life - 3 died naturally and peacefully, 2 we had to be unselfish, lose our friend but not let them suffer any more. I've known so many people allow the animals to suffer dreadfully because the could not do without them and could not make that dread phone call to the vet. Like Marie, I'm going to go along the 'selfish' line (that's what I say now, Mr G gone off to day centre, and a week respite in view. I've had two weeks of help, encouragement and praise from a wide range of people. The last two months have driven me to 'misery' eating and drinking, never weighed so much. There are parties coming up - I have a mass of pretty clothes - when I DO manage self indulgence I feel better - at last I have been convinced that enjoying myself despite the awful state of O/H is not a crime. I need to become selectively deaf, and ignore Mr G's horrendous pettiness, accusations of my selfishness, I don't look after him properly. Marie speaks of 'compassion' to self. I am not martyr material - always taken great pleasure in giving pleasure to others - last three days been excellent example - it's all reciprocal, an investment, in fact.

Hopeful One Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 9:09am

Hi Marie- My deepest commiserations at your sad loss of such a lovely looking cat. Being compassionate to one self is the right thing to do as you work your way through your mourning. Hopefully you will come to a gate marked'acceptance' at some point . When you reach that point I hope you will shut the gate firmly behind yourself and consign your deep loss to the past where it belongs. I have never kept a pet since I lost mine when I was 7 and I decided never wanted to experience that sadness again so I know how you feel.

One day you will realise that life goes on and I hope you will not judge me heartless if you accept that my effort below is an attempt to help and smooth your healing process by bringing on a smile that softens the blow.

According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, a country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc...

And yet he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine

That’s what I call a miracle!!!

Sophie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 10:15am

Oh Marie i'm devastated for you :( sending you much love and hugs x

Jane Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 1:22pm

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss Marie. Frumpy looks gorgeous. Sending you warm hugs xx

Jane Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 1:23pm

I'm so sorry - I meant Flumpy xxxx

Jackie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 4:43pm

Hi Marie, i am so sorry for your loss of your beloved friend, losing a pet is still a huge loss as they are always there for you you unconditionally. This is a time to care about yourself i agree and anyone who thinks you are over reacting has not lost. Hugs to you love Jackie xxx

Marie Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 6:13pm

Dear friends

I have just got home from work. Your kind words are sincerely appreciated. Thank you all.

Marie

DAVE Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 10:14pm

Hi Marie,
I can deeply sympathies with the loss of your little friend, but we are told that upon returning back to our Heavenly Father our pets will be there to meet us.

When loosing both cats and Dogs as a child, it is a great comfort to know one day we'll be reunited.

When I was unwell, Dudley who had cancer, died exactly a year ago.
He knew when I was ill, he came onto my bed and lay facing me on my chest...His eyes so wide, sad and deep looking into mine.

Dudley was a real character, mischievous and irritating, every night when we got home, we're get our dinner on our laps...feeling very tired, that moment...EVERY night, the instant we sat down, he'd be out in the hall scratching the carpet, to be let out ! ! We miss him and loved him so much, he was part of our family, and he knew we loved him that much.

I use to get hold of him, round his neck and pretend to wring it, shacking him as it were...We loved him so much..

He's buried under the front lawn and we have put a little statue of a cat just like him...

When I cut the lawn I talk with him, His twin brother is still with us, Dougey, who misses him also, so Dougey has more attention, his character is so soft and gentle a real beautiful cat.

Please carry on GIVING, but get that balance right, and learn to say 'NO' not today' but TOMORROW, give at a time that fits your schedule, so as you do not become stressed, prior to 'BURN OUT'.

Giving is a gift and is two-sided, it lifts your spirit as you serve God through becoming friends with those whose 'Hands who Hang Down'.
God Bless you in your grief.

Love Dave X

DAVE Thu, Nov 3rd 2016 @ 10:27pm

ps
Marie

Tracy's Rainbow Ridge, I believe is very sound and true.....'Word for Word',

Thank you Tracy I did not know this beautiful verse, that I have just read, thank you it has renewed a certain truth to which as a Mormon makes sense.

Dave X

Eva Fri, Nov 4th 2016 @ 6:50am

Hi Marie, sending you love, Flumpy was a lucky cat to be loved and cherished by you, look after yourself now.

vicki Fri, Nov 4th 2016 @ 12:18pm

Hi Marie

I read your post this morning and it was so poignant to me, as last night our beloved cat Milly was put to sleep. She had developed kidney failure and though we tried to help her through it, she deteriorated last night and we had to do the right thing for her. She has been a loving, constant companion for over 12 years along with her sister Daisy, whom we lost last year. They both were by mine and my husbands side through some really difficult times and we have felt their losses more keenly than some of the human losses in our life.

Flumpy looked like a lovely cat and I send my heartfelt sympathy to you. You are so right that each loss is relative to the meaning that individual, whether human or animal, held for us. Your words and those of the other commenters, who fully appreciate the place our animals hold in our hearts, have offered us comfort today and for that I'm grateful.

Much love
Vicki

Susan Fri, Nov 4th 2016 @ 3:40pm

Marie, so sorry to hear of your loss. I believe that the loss of a pet can be terrible for anyone - it certainly has been for me - and for those with depression, sometimes especially so because a pet doesn't judge or criticize the way outsiders can, or the way we judge ourselves when we feel low. Thank you for sharing your words as a beautiful tribute to your friend.

den Fri, Nov 4th 2016 @ 10:29pm

Hi Marie.
Thanks for posting. I.m sorry to hear your sad news. It reminds us of the real tangible loss we feel when a beloved pet dies. It happened with my lovely feline friend earlier in the year, I don't think people could really understand- they said he wasn't a person, so made me feel i was over-dramatising. in fact he wasn't a person, however a living breathing PERSONALITY. The first living soul i said morning to everyday for 12 years and the last one i said goodnight to, It would be really bizarre if i didn't grieve for him, That's what makes us human and humane,. as i write this, i shed a tear for the loss we all feel, I only console myself with the fact that i was able to love this little animal totally unconditionally! Remember him with LOVE and keep him and the memories in your heart always. xxx

Nicco Sun, Nov 6th 2016 @ 1:41pm

Marie, I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear friend, Flumpy. I, too, have lost cats over the years and each and every one has been very painful and yet I still keep cats - something my mother could never understand if they bring such pain when it's time to say goodbye. The truth is, all the joy and friendship they bring us for many years outweighs the grief. I know some people don't understand the special bond we have with them but in my experience it is like losing a child and a friend at the same time, and they don't understand that either, but other pet-lovers do. There will come a time when you will be able to remember Flumpy with joy rather than sadness and, although Flumpy is gone, the treasured memories are in your heart which no one can take away. I had wonderful experiences after my cats had passed over which brought me much comfort - too long to write here but suffice to say that I think animals are far more attune to spiritual things than we are. Look out for white feathers - I saw many after I lost my Connie 4yrs ago - they would appear from nowhere and are generally thought of as a sign that all is well with our departed loved one. Sending gentle understanding hugs to you. Nicco.

John Tue, Nov 8th 2016 @ 11:00am

Hello Marie,
I had my beloved dog Jaz put to sleep in August, and a few weeks later adopted a beautiful dog, Kira, from Romania. Now after 6 weeks I am rehoming her to someone who has fallen in love with her which I haven't managed to do. It was too soon to start again after Jazzy went and we were family. Kira was a bit big too ! Our pets are treasure to us , especially to those of us who are on our own.
John, Blessings.

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