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October


Cold feet syndrome. Tuesday October 14, 2014

Les wrote a great post on embracing change recently. He pipped me to the post (and his was infinitely wiser) but still, here is my offering...

Age 8. I'm invited for tea (dinner) after school at a friend's home. As her dad ascends the stairs, pretending to be a monster, I burst into tears and ask if my daddy can come and pick me up now (I'd only just arrived). I wanted to go home.

Age 11. A friend is having a sleep over. Driving up there, my dad knows well what's coming next (oh we'd been here many times before): (tearful) "Dad, can you pick me up later? I don't mind staying for the afternoon but tonight I just want to come home."

Age 13. Friends of the family invite me on a trip to Ireland. I'm excited! 4am, mum wakes me up for the Liverpool to Dublin boat. "Mum (again tearful), I don't think I can go. I just want to stay at home."

Age 21. 48hrs before a month of traveling in Central America: I pick up a dastardly virus. My body is saying, "You want to stay at home."

You wouldn't think that I love challenge and change would you? Nor would you think all I ever really wanted was to live in far flung deepest darkest Africa!

Ah, but we are all a "tale of two cities" are we not? I'm brave and strong; I'm fragile and fretful. I'm all gung-ho and gregarious yet I'm quiet and pensive.

Some of those moments of fear as I was growing up worked out well, others I backed out of, but all I ever really needed to do was to accept and to nurture the feelings.

Acceptance of feelings is something I've written about often. Whenever I actually manage to do it however (like when facing Cold Feet Syndrome), it never ceases to amaze me the magic that occurs within.

Accept the terror (or sadness, or insert whatever the feeling you're feeling here), and accept that it's probably very normal to be feeling whatever we do, and then the "city" within us can set about putting its positive residents to work.

Age 36. First few nights of living alone. Will I be OK? Do I want to go home? Ah, but I am home!

As Jon Kabat-Zinn's book is entitled (I can't say I've read it but love the title): Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Suzy
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Hopeful One Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 6:18am

Thanks Suzy.A thought provoking post.The operative word here and in many of the previous posts including one from Les recently is to teach ourselves to accept whatever it is that is the source of our angst.Easier said than done ,of course ,but definitely worth the effort.

Anonymous Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 7:33am

This could be partly why I'm struggling so much at the moment. I was filled with this as a child and now 1 of my 3 children struggles in a similar way. Being low also means I find anything out of routine requires much concentration and energy which I simply do not have...and yet 2 (nearly 3) of my children need me to up my game and provide them with the space to grow. Have sleepovers, go on sleepovers, all that 'friends' entails. I don't need that though...I need rest, routine, a trip to the park is change enough and I come back exhausted, The amount of change I need to embrace is breaking me just now. It was easier when they were very little and their world was small...I could hide in that world much more easily. However, knowledge is power and you have given me knowledge to fuel my awareness and that is good, Thank you Suzy. Hope you are enjoying your new place! Love from the room above the garage x.

Rupert Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 8:20am

I vividly remember as a young child at my own birthday party crying because I had "got to much" - too many presents from my friends I guess bscause I didnt feel I deserved it and didnt feel confident enough to ride out the party! Our childhood speaks volumes sometimes often without our realising it!

Anonymous Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 8:44am

Suzy, what a lovely piece. It really spoke to me

Anonymous Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 9:31am

This couldn't have come on a 'better' day, so anxious about a meeting 'the professionals' are having about me (myself not included as it would make me too ill ,their judgement not mine) Realise why I'm in pieces and ride out the storm. Whatever happens it's out of my control and my only choice is how I deal with the whole process

Mary Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 9:48am

This piece is incredibly moving, Suzy. Reading this and the comments makes me realise why I have been constantly holding back with my business - being scared of the big changes, of moving up to playing with the "big girls.". Rupert - thank you. I can see how your comment applies to one of my own daughters, who cannot cope with too many gifts. Her best present this year was guinea pigs, because she chose them and has to look after them and care for them: they depend upon her. Everything else she was given is an irrelevance and makes her uncomfortable.

Mary Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 9:51am

Bless you! Thinking strong thoughts for you and this meeting. I always dislike it when decisions are made for me when I'm ill. My family do it as well as professionals. I would have liked the choice or at least to have been a part of the decision making process. I'm sure you would have too.

Anonymous Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 11:20am

I'm so interested in hearing about the present thing from Rupert and Mary. I'm hugely uncomfortable receiving gifts. People still do it even though I ask them not to. I now find I have to fake my way through it. Ungrateful doesn't begin to cover how I feel I must sound!!

Julia Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 3:05pm

The tale of two cities you write about has always interested me too Suzy as I can be very outgoing, enthusiastic and confident but can also be anxious, introspective and totally lacking in self confidence. I wish I knew which is the real me but your blog has made me think that perhaps I should accept that both are and wherever I go there I am (however down or great I feel)

Di Murphey Tue, Oct 14th 2014 @ 9:53pm

Dearest Suzy,
You are okay. YOU ARE OKAY. You will continue to be okay. We will support you in being okay. Yes, you are home. We are deeply proud of your personal work. Please know that we will continue to lift you up.
Lovingly,
Di Murphey

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