20

February

Button Factory

Saturday February 20, 2021


I was driving to a temporary job since I am forced to supplement my disability income. This was day 3 and the previous day had been so chaotic I nearly had a panic attack and breakdown. So as I am driving there I suddenly hit an invisible wall deep inside. I have three days of dietary work left with little to no direction and cantankerous, foreign staff barking orders through masks and shields. Myself in same garb and getup, cannot hear through the barrier, adding to the struggle. 

So I hit the CPTSD wall again: cannot do it. Cannot go forward. Leave. Leave. Leave. Flight flight flight. Take care of me if no one else. I turn around and I go home. It is not ever a lie to call in sick. Not for me.

Guilt is still overtaking me. Why can't I just do this. I gritted my teeth did I not? Prayed? Hoped? Needed the supplementary income? 

I have considered roommates, but oh the specific roommates they would have to be. Healthier than I for one, as I have zero wish to be dealing with others with unresolved, unaddressed mental health issues, unless they are very aware and are doing what they can to be healthy. It simply hasn't happened yet, but it may help with the loneliness. I will screen screen screen before I scream. 

My life goal of simply marrying a rich country star and touring with him as his harmony singer has long awaited fruition and fulfilment. Screaming crowds and crowded areas with noise noise noise... two triggers of CPTSD right there. That ought to go well. Or not. 

I just want to work alone in a button factory stamping holes into plain plastic discs and inventing fancier ones on good days. Some days would be rhinestone and cubic zirconium days, glittering embellishments carefully constructed to be attached to dress clothes. Some days it would be back to stamping discs. It just depends on what the demon CPTSD is up to.

I even changed the meaning of the words to say Coping Promises To Sustain Direction. And most days... it does. I can. 

Bailey
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above, please feel free to post a comment below.


Comments

Comments are viewable only by members. Register Now to participate in the discussion.

Already have an account? Login to leave a comment.

There are 30 comments so far.


What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive

Disclaimer

Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.