Behind the veil, beneath the surface, lies the truth.

15 Nov 2021
Bookmark

People’s behaviour is rarely what it seems but, instead, is enormously complex.

In fact, people are wonderfully complex.

As Oprah Winfrey and Maya Angelou say in this video (here - https://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/when-people-show-you-who-they-are-believe-them-video ) “When people show you who they are – believe them!”

Alain de Botton says the same thing in different words, “When you meet someone (romantically) for the first time, ask, ‘In what ways are you mad?’” (I paraphrase.)

Thus, if I say, “I am messy,” when demonstrate how messy I am, believe me… don’t be surprised!

In which ways are you ‘mad’? I’m mad about manners, I’m mad about plants, I’m mad about going barefoot as soon as possible in the Spring, I’m mad about saving the Planet, and, to my cost, I’m mad about justice, fairness, and speaking my mind.

Behind the veil, beneath the surface, lies the truth. But what if we had the confidence to pull back the veil with people? I don’t need to be proud about being messy – I simply need to recognise it as a potential weakness. But I do feel free to acknowledge it up front. Hording (being messy) is a trait I have met in many people. It’s usually a sign.

Next time something doesn’t seem quite right with someone, I hope you will find it in your heart to say, “What’s behind the veil? What’s beneath the surface?” And, if you’ve built enough rapport with them, gently ask if they are OK and how specifically you could support them.

Lex

Moodscope

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

Email us at support@moodscope.com to submit your own blog post!

Comments

Orangeblossom

Nov. 15, 2021, 7:11 a.m.

Hi Lex, thanks for the enlightening & uplifting day. Monday is now a very good day for me. It is Open book’s Creative Writing workshop session. This is a good start for the week. Your blog is a very good opening. Hope that you have a fulfilling week ahead.

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:09 a.m.

Hi Orangeblossom... I so resonate with your kind words becasue of two 'art' encounters this week. I think Creative Writing and other creative activities are SO good for our soul. Write well... and may it set the tone for an excellent week. Lx

Liz

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:42 a.m.

Hi Orangeblossom. That sounds wonderful. Could you post a link if possible as I write and belong to a creative writing group but would be interested in this x have a great day

Orangeblossom

Nov. 16, 2021, 7:32 a.m.

www.goldsmiths.ac.uk-OpenBook The main facilitator is Susan Hallissey s.hallissey@gold.ac.uk They are very warm, welcoming & encouraging. They have other courses. This opening came my way as I was approaching retirement.

Bearofliddlebrain

Nov. 15, 2021, 7:37 a.m.

Morning Lex, Tricky situation - because underneath this lady’s anger is her distress…but from Maya Angelou/`Oprah/Alain-de-what’s-it’s perspectives it means she is showing you her anger (and possible jealousy that you, the newbie, has dared to ‘show her up’) by your giving freely - so is that really who she is?? Ahem, ahem, this bearofliddlebrain is ever so slightly confused! I struggle with times like this when someone is mean or unkind to me and ruminate for ages, over the ‘why’s and what did I do’ to cause this reaction until I try to look at it from a different perspective and maybe poke or dig a liddle deeper to see what’s there, what lies beneath and not take them at face value at that moment. So tricksy. Have you given up on this particular job or are you going to keep your head down and koko? Love and thanks for the blog, Bear hugs x x x

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:07 a.m.

Hi Dear Bear I'm still in role because there is much good to do here. I'm giving the lady space and getting on with the many other amazing activities that make a positive impact on Seaside Swanage. I really appreciate the love in your kind comments. Have a great day x x x

Sally

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:16 a.m.

I agree with you, dearest Bear, that jealousy comes into it.

Sarah yellow rose

Nov. 15, 2021, 8 a.m.

Hi Lex thank you for your blog, I am also sensitive to people’s moods and behaviour. But as you say it’s often their stuff. I’ve noticed my Grandson has this trait. He is very emotional. I feel for him at these times.

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:42 a.m.

That's when we wonder whether Emotional Empathy is a gift or a curse... I guess it will come down to what you and your Grandson decide to do with this strength. I wish you both well in this. Lx

Sally

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:13 a.m.

Hi Lex, Brilliant. Reflects too how I feel. I had a similar experience yesterday. I had asked a question of someone in our group and the Bossy-boots in the group texted me to admonish. Now I had not asked anything personal, or invasive , and my husband told me to ignore , as BB was obviously at fault here. But I cogitated....why do people have to take you, an adult in your own right, to task? Moral high ground ? Put down? Like you, Lex, I came to the conclusion that there were other forces at work here. I had acted out of generosity . BB had intervened, suspecting another reason. I know there are myriad reasons people act, react and say what they say, it’s like the spokes in a bicycle wheel. Many forms of the truth. We see what we see,...or want to see...and they see what they see...or choose to see . But hey! Let’s treat each other with respect and dignity, as we would like to be treated. My husband's response to “ignore her“ was right, but to get to the truth of the matter , I had to go back to questioning why. Knowing a person is suffering , has worries, grief, frustration going on in their lives makes it easier to empathise when you stop to cogitate “Why”. Or so I find.

Reply

Bearofliddlebrain

Nov. 15, 2021, 8:44 a.m.

Hi Sally, I don’t understand where BB ‘gets off’ in messaging to admonish you! Did the person you questioned seem upset? I would definitely ignore the BBB (have added an extra cos he/she is ‘blooming’ BB!!) and instead, contact the other person to see if they feel upset or aggrieved. You are right - people see what they want to see and often have selective hearing too! Bear hugs x x x

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:07 a.m.

Thanks for this uplifting comment, Sally... I've got a quote from Anaïs Nin shouting at me... "We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are." People 'project' their own truth into a situation...and it's so rarely 'the' truth!!! Keep smiling and get a BB Gun! Lx

Sally

Nov. 15, 2021, 7:26 p.m.

Bear, not in the slightest! That’s the thing. I am going to get in touch with the person I questioned just to make sure no upset was caused by my question. But her answer certainly did not suggest she took any offence whatsoever! I like to think I am a feeling human being , after all!!

Bearofliddlebrain

Nov. 15, 2021, 10:25 p.m.

Of course you are, Sally…sensitive and kind. Ignore the BBB xx

AndrewH

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:12 a.m.

Hi All. It's me gate-crashing a blog again with a little update. I finished chemo a couple of weeks ago barring one last hit to come on Friday. Then next is a stem cell transplant, my second, which should (hopefully) put me back into remission again. Scary because it's really not a pleasant experience and scary because you're only allowed a maximum of two. Provisional admission date is a week today but that's subject to a bed being available. I waited a week last time (three years ago) but this is likely to be worse. They only have three of the four specialist wards available - I'm guessing because the fourth has had to be switched to other things. Andrew

Reply

Frankie

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:21 a.m.

Wishing you strength, caring professionals and peace of mind and heart. Frankie

Liz

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:39 a.m.

Good luck Andrew. Wishing you well.

Valerie

Nov. 15, 2021, 10:51 a.m.

Sending love and best wishes Andrew.***

Bearofliddlebrain

Nov. 15, 2021, 11:26 a.m.

Sending you Bear hugs Andrew and all good wishes for things to go smoothly and ditto Frankie’s message. Bear xx

Dragonfly

Nov. 15, 2021, 1:01 p.m.

Good to hear from you Andrew and thanks for the update. Sending my very best wishes for your forthcoming procedure and hope it goes ahead as planned x

Patty

Nov. 15, 2021, 4:08 p.m.

Wishing you well Andrew. Thank you for the update. Hope your treatments go well.

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 5:36 p.m.

Wishing you all the best, Andrew. Lx

AndrewH

Nov. 15, 2021, 5:56 p.m.

Thanks all for your messages. Andrew

Sally

Nov. 15, 2021, 7:21 p.m.

AndrewH, sending best wishes, and thank you so much for dropping by! You’ve had soooooo much to contend with ! I wish you well for a good outcome.

Frankie

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:23 a.m.

“Behind the veil” - genius, dear Lex! Frankie x

Reply

Frankie

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:23 a.m.

“Behind the veil” - genius, dear Lex! Frankie x

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 12:58 p.m.

Thank you, Frankie... let me know if you fancy a trip to the Russell Cotes! x

Liz

Nov. 15, 2021, 9:38 a.m.

A very pertinent blog as always Lex. My first thought was her order has been ruffled, it sounds like she is trying to hold on to some kind of anchor of control and your thoughtful (but misunderstood by her) gesture has been taken out of context. Logic would say that her reaction was over-reactive but it sounds like she is standing on ground that has shifted forever. It's very difficult to adjust to organisations and ways of working when you are a business owner - independent and used to doing things your way. I don't mind rules and regulations if they are sensible. I will think of that wonderful phrase "behind the veil" again, I'm sure I will come across it in future in my life and remember those words. I'll also think about my own veil too. Hugs from the Highlands lovely Lex x

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 12:59 p.m.

Thanks for wisdom and hugs from the Highlands, lovely Liz! Lx

Anonymous

Nov. 15, 2021, 10:51 a.m.

Thank you for sharing Lex. You raise important points. One never knows another's story, only what one picks up in front of their veil, filtered by our own veils. And from my filtered veil, another viewpoint about your situation. Firstly not knowing what you purchased I see perhaps that say gifting a box of biscuits might be okay; though sugar addicts may prefer not to have them in plain sight. Equipment however, regardless of need may require discussion around maintenance, user instructions, safety, governance around receiving and accepting gifts. I wonder what we're the unintended consequences of the generous gifting? More emotive is the male and female behaviour at work. You have owned a business and I'm sure carry that confidence and 'can do/will do' attitude. However if she is your line nanager or responsible for what may be gifted, perhaps her anger reflects that she feels disrespected or undermined. Regardless of all the other things that have been going on for her. Giving her a wide berth, or distancing yourself could also be a form of your own anger being expressed? Are you also angry? I love the book "Counselling for Toads" for their spectrum of anger from silent treatment to rage.is distancing yourself a form of silent treatment I wonder. An alternative suggestion might be to lead with curiosity so you understand better what was triggering for you both. She shared after all that communication is an issue and so saying clearly something worth listening to as Alain de Botton states. It takes a brave person to share these tough situations and I thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities. It takes a brave person to be curious too. I hope you find a way to be curious. Hello to sunny Swanage. I recall it with fondness and pleasure of my first sight of black swans!

Reply

Valerie

Nov. 15, 2021, 10:55 a.m.

You make some very wise comments Ali. I greatly sympathise with Lex,I have encountered people like his colleague,and it is so difficult to handle the situation well.

Bearofliddlebrain

Nov. 15, 2021, 11:30 a.m.

I agree with Valerie, Ali - you make some great and wise comments. Bear x

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 1:02 p.m.

Excellent wisdom, Ali. I'm nothing to do with her in terms of management but she is a leader in the organisation. I think her issue is with change and I'm the most vibrant example of it. "Why do you always have to be so flippant?" is one of her comments. The rest of the tribe love the joie de vive that comes across as flippant. I know you can win all the time.... However, you are right, I may be moderating my response but I am flipping angry!

Valerie

Nov. 15, 2021, 11:02 a.m.

Lex,my first thoughts were that one must cut lots of slack to someone in her sad position.Cynical world-weary Val then butted in saying that she would probably have been just as bad even without these losses in her life.Stress,like alcohol,only removes the inhibitions from what is already there in my humble opinion.***

Reply

The Gardener

Nov. 15, 2021, 12:10 p.m.

Valerie, I agree - if she was in that bad a state she could have got medical leave - but probably scared of losing her job. Having elected to go through with it she should not have taken her angst out against others. xx

The Gardener

Nov. 15, 2021, 12:08 p.m.

Morning Lex. I am surprised at you with your business experience. I worked for 6 months as a full-time journalist, and for over a year as a 'temp', mostly statistics and general secretarial work and realised that I would never fit in. I naively felt that you worked as a 'team' for the benefit of the company which employed you, wrong. You never, never, however altruistically, did anything outside your remit until you saw who had the most painful corns to be trodden on. Your effort (whatever excuses you make for the reaction) would provoke jealousy, implied criticism, more nowadays I think 'Knowing your place'. I am not being cynical, office politics is a battleground. I worked for a big 'Sony' office. Woman boss - I felt sorry for her, though realising I could not work with her. She wanted the bosses to know she was the 'boss', whilst being 'matey' with the office staff, all girls together. Did NOT work.

Reply

The Gardener

Nov. 15, 2021, 12:18 p.m.

one temp job I had was with a major offshot of a big national company. Manager hopeless, always behind - I was always called in a panic to prepare stats for a directors meeting and, regularly, to do their end of year P 45's. One woman was in charge of filing. There was an ancient typewriter, only used for typing labels. She went home at lunch time, I did not, too far - I used the typewriter, no rules. When she found out she no longer went home so she could 'guard' her 'property'. I found it so sad looking back afterwards - on the subject of office politics and your blog - you tread warily.

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 1:03 p.m.

Walking on eggshells, Dear Gardener... and then we'll use the broken ones to keep the slugs away!

Valerie

Nov. 15, 2021, 1:04 p.m.

It's colleagues like that that make some people hate a job that they might otherwise have enjoyed.I can understand dog politics,office politics is beyond me! ***

Bailey

Nov. 15, 2021, 3:38 p.m.

I too have encountered a "church leader," whose position got her the otherwise ill-fitting position. Pardon my backseat humor. Tis true behind every jerk is a sad story, but I am afraid i am losing patience in my ripe old age of 45 and may soon merely start biting people that act like jerks...kidding. This person is nothing more than a gossip, talebearer, meddling everybody who chants "amen," from the back row like she invented something. She also has a merry little band of high school mentalities she jerks the string on and they jump to do her bidding. Typical narsehole (narcissistic a-hole) and the cultish religious tint on this entire sh--show does not compliment the matter. One must simply rise above...read Maya Angelou's poem: Still I Rise.

Reply

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 5:33 p.m.

Narsehole... now that's something I like! On my way to Maya Angelou now... Still I Rise BY MAYA ANGELOU You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? ’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries? Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard ’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin’ in my own backyard. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I’ll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise. Maya Angelou, "Still I Rise" from And Still I Rise: A Book of Poems. Copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou. Used by permission of Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

Lex

Nov. 15, 2021, 5:34 p.m.

...and you may like this: https://youtu.be/hdw1uKiTI5c

Jul

Nov. 18, 2021, 6:25 p.m.

Wonderful words "Still I Rise" from Mary Angelou, Lex. Thank you for enabling us to read this. On another note completely I love "I'm Still Standing" Elton John. Jul xx

Reply

Login or Sign Up to Comment