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July


Art Vs Monsters. Saturday July 29, 2017

I've suffered from depression since I was a teenager. It all came to be because of problems I cannot speak about (yet, one day I'll do it,) and I admit that doing it now may help, but I'm just not sure.

School didn't help. I tried going to a psychologist, but for various reasons I couldn't keep going. Imagine how I felt: alone, like no one cared about me, no one wanted to give me a hand. Too many emotions that a teenage boy should have to deal with, mostly because almost all of them were the result of internal struggles I couldn't share with my family (and I still can't.)

I started to cut, torture myself in many ways and my nail-biting, a lifetime habit I cannot stop, got worse. The hole I was being buried in was becoming deeper and deeper, my voice felt weaker and my dreams became nightmares...

Even suicide came to my thoughts as an exit, so I wrote a letter, made my plans and one day when I felt I couldn't take it anymore, took some deep breaths and prepared to do it: jump from one of my school's buildings so I could kill myself and end it all. One, two, three, four seconds, and suddenly, in the fifth, something clicked in my mind.

Was I really that weak? Was I really going to give up, as easy as that? Was I going to lose all my dreams? Oh hell no! I was fighting back my demons. Thanks to my friends and my headphones, music became an exit, a way to distract my mind, and drawing and writing became another one for my nightmares to get out of my head once and for all; so I stood up, looked for one, anyone, of my friends, and almost ran to her, cried the hell out of me and let her know every single thing.

The next day I was feeling worse than ever, so just put on my headphones, turned the volume up, went to school and faced everyone who knew what happened the day before, all my classmates that had seen the cuts, the dark circles under my eyes, read the Poe-like poems I wrote and acted as if it was just another one of my stories.

Art, in any form, can help you, it's just a matter of finding the one you like. You don't need to be good at it, just to like it and feel great while and after using it as your escape. Theater, writing, music, poems, sculpture, reading, whatever you think it may help, don't stop doing it, ever.

Also try and talk. It gets worse if you don't. They win if you give up and swallow all of those feelings, and deep inside, there's a little part of you screaming "HELL NO!" Listen to it, as I did back then and still do, because there are moments when I want to give up and cut again, but that's just going to help for a couple of seconds. The wounds become another problem later, and we already have enough.

Greetings.

Alan D.D.
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Molly Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 2:41am

Hi Alan. This is a sad blog. Very well written and describes the pain of depression really well. You have shown that you have the strength to overcome your darkest moments. I hope you can take the advice you have given and manage to talk to someone, even if it is not your own family. Arts can certainly help. Good advice here, well done for writing in the way that you have. Keep posting, as you might have read before, we are short of males on here and need more! Look after yourself. Love from Molly xx

Adam G Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 6:51am

Thank you for courageously sharing your post Alan. Your pain comes across so clearly. I am sure that, like me, everyone on Moodscope will be thinking of you and I hope you can draw extra strength from that. I just feel that you are going to be ok.

Marmaladegirl Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 8:07am

Dear Alan - Thank you for so bravely and clearly telling us how you feel. I hope it was cathartic & healing for you and I'm sure it will be helpful for Moodscopers to read. It strikes me that the causes of each individual's depression are as unique as each individual themselves, and yet the things that help, sooth, possibly even take away our anguish are broadly similar. Also that thin line we sometimes want to cross, but the feeling we can have of Hell No, I'm not going to let the demons win - I love how you describe that. And so we go on to fight another day, using all the tools we have found over the years and all the support we can get. You are winning Alan! And you will keep on winning, no matter how hard it is, because you are a courageous, strong survivor. Your blog will help to inspire others to see that strength inside themselves too - it is a beautiful, eloquent reminder to us all. Thank you! MG

ED Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 8:16am

Greetings Alan

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 10:28am

:-)

Jul Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 8:30am

Hello Alan. Great blog and one written from the heart. Was it difficult to write and is writing one of your art forms/ answers to your particular depression and struggles? From what you say, it sounds as if you had really terrible teenage years. So very sad. It's a difficult period for anyone but you seem to have suffered in a way no one should ever have to. But brave you coming out of it with little or no help from anyone except yourself. Do you ever think you may be able to help other young men who are going through similar experiences? Jul xx

Sally Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 8:40am

How very brave of you, Alan D. D. to put into writing and share with us what must be painful recollections for you. It made very interesting reading, and you explained perfectly about that little voice in your head that stopped you from " doing it"...
Go well, and know that here on Moodscope you will always find sympathetic and kind people who know about what you describe as they have often been there too.
You have done a great job sharing. And it's so true that art in any form can help take you out of solitude and sadness and to a better place where you are not alone with your thoughts. Thank you, and take care.

Sally Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 8:44am

P.s. Depression has been called frozen anger, so talking to the right person can often release and extinguish that. Might be worth another try, Alan.

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 10:22am

Sally I've never heard that before and it makes much sense! Thank you for sharing it! Love ratg x.

Sal Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 10:17am

Such a powerful blog Alan, I was really gripped, thank you.

I think you are right about art, certainly for me it's true - and I often forget to use it. But I just spent 15 mins tootling on my recorder (yes, embarrassing school-age instrument!) and felt much better for it.

Thanks again. I hope you will write some more blogs, when you feel ready.
Greetings to you too.

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 10:27am

Hello Alan, I do not know you and yet I'm proud of you. Stepping out the comfort zone and leading by example not to mention carrying the hurt at the same time, I'm proud of you! Please write again, you've a lot to share which is good for you and for us. I'm particularly thinking of the lovely lady who wrote recently of her son who was self harming. I wish for him to read your blog. I hold both of you in my thoughts. Greetings back :-) love ratg x.

Alan Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 4:10pm

Thank you so much, all of you. It means a lot to know that reading this helps you and makes you feel better, even if for a short while, because that's all we need: A break, short, temporary. We only need to breathe a little more. I did it while writing and I'm glad to know you did it while reading.

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 5:23pm

Very true. That little break provides perspective, from which comes a change.

Jul Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 6:02pm

Greetings Alan. I just saw you'd written that at the end of your blog. Yes your blog did help us. I agree sometimes a short break from feeling low is all we need and as ratg said from that can come change. I still feel sad to know how much you have suffered in your life and it would be really good to see your name again either in blog or replying to one but no pressure!! Go well with your art. Jul xx

Jane SG Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 9:37pm

Wow, what a powerful and moving blog Alan. Thank you for sharing.

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