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All I Want for Christmas... Wednesday December 21, 2016

Some of you might have seen this meme before.

Me: I want a unicorn for Christmas.

Santa: That's ridiculous. What would you really like?

Me: Well, I'd settle for ten minutes to drink my coffee in peace before it goes cold and an opportunity go to the bathroom by myself.

Santa: Hmm. What colour unicorn?

Lying in bed and letting my mind wander, as it does very freely – you may have noticed – I wondered what I want (what I really, really want) for Christmas. I mean, besides world peace and a lifetime supply of Jimmy Choo shoes.

What if – the world could be taken away from me? A sort of reverse gift, if you like.

What if I could wake on Christmas morn to a warm white nothingness? What if there were no Christmas dinner to cook, no church to attend, no family disputes to arbitrate? What if I were just warmly wrapped in a white cloud, with no hunger for food and no thirst? What if I could just drift, weightless, with nowhere to be and no time to be anywhere?

With my energy levels close to zero, that thought is enticing. Not so much, "Stop the world; I want to get off!" – more, "just take the world away from me. Please."

Because the responsibility of parenting my beautiful children is too much. The chore of being a wife to my wonderful husband is an intolerable burden, the weight of running the business I love and caring for my clients is overwhelming.

I have no remaining resources. I am empty.

I know, from previous depressive episodes, that when I recover, when I rise to the surface like a champagne cork, this empty time will seem like a half forgotten nightmare. I will not be able to identify with this vampiric ghost of a stranger who inhabits my body for weeks, even months at a time. Once more I will have energy, enthusiasm and determination in abundance.

But right now, that seems like a dream; and not even a welcome dream, since to even dream of that energy takes more energy than I have right now.

So we are going away to the sea for Christmas, just the immediate family; nobody else.

Christmas lunch will be brisket of beef cooked in the slow cooker and shop bought Christmas pudding. There is no TV, so no necessity to watch the Queen at 3pm. We will play board games. We will walk on the beach. We will lie on the sofas and read books. We will sleep.

And all I want for Christmas is for my family to be happy and peaceful.

Well, alright then – could the unicorn be pink and turquoise, please?

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Pablo Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 6:25am

Morning Mary,
May you have the happy and peaceful Christmas that you desire. Get well soon. xx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:23am

You too Pablo

Debs Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 7:45am

Oh Mary, you love just put a big smile on my face!! What a great blog and what a lovely sounding Christmas!! Enjoy it lovely, have a beautiful peaceful Christmas - much love to you all xx

LP Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:00am

Hi Mary,
Thank you for another beatifully written blog. There is a patient awareness that is encouraging.

It sounds like your life is very full. Full time work in my 50's means that I can't fit everything in that needs to be done. No wonder you feel drained. I also hope that the meds that you were going to try either start to help or can be altered.

I'm glad that a Christmas that feels managable is planned.
Wishing you and yours a peaceful Christmas and I too hope that you are feeling a bit better soon.
Well wishes to all. LPxx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:24am

Thank you. LP. Feeling a bit better than I was, thank you

LP Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 11:00am

Oh good. XXx

Sally Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:13am

Thank you for a beautifully written insight into what it is to live with this crippling illness. You put it in a nutshell about the energy levels being close to nil. At a time of year when one is supposed to be zinging with enthusiasm and glee!
I hope this will be a happy and restorative Christmas for you, Mary. Take care and rest up.

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:25am

Bless you Sally

Orangeblossom Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:15am

Hi Mary, thanks for all your blogs. Wishing you & yours a joyfilled & peaceful Christmas which spills over into 2017. Love & affection

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:25am

You too, Orangeblossom

Hopeful One Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:22am

Hi Mary- a well written post as one has come to expect from you."Stop the world; I want to get off!" sounds very enticing but we all know that it is not really an option. So one makes the best of what one has and you seem to have hit the recipe for Xmas that suits your energy level and gets the best out of the circumstances in which you find yourself- a 'win win' in my books.

The Squadron would like to be known for spreading good cheer especially at this time of goodwill to all.

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib so surgery was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that said that God created order from the chaos.That was the biggest and best civil engineering example ever and proved that his profession was the oldest.The computer scientist leaned back in his chair and said "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos in the first place?"

A very Happy Xmas and Happy New Year to all fellow Moodscoppers.

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 8:26am

Love that one! Every blessing on you for Christmas

Tychi's Mum Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 9:04am

Good morning Mary, thank you once again for an amazing blog.
You seem to have the knack of describing perfectly the pain and despair that many of us Moodscopers have to endure at times.
A "warm, white, nothingness" describes absolutely perfectly where I wish to be in the midst of a "crash."
Thankfully I am currently a "champagne cork that has risen to the surface" (a wonderful analogy) but that doesn't stop me being slightly envious of your Christmas plans. They sound idyllic.
Wishing you and your family a serene and peaceful Christmas...oh, and I wish you a pink and torquoise unicorn too xxx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:55pm

Ooh yes!

Poppykins Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 10:09am

Your Christmas plans sound perfect! Wishing you a peaceful Christmas. Ps. Pink and turquoise unicorns are not up to much really from what I have heard! X

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:55pm

Hey - don't spoil it!

Tutti Frutti Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 10:44am

Mary I feel your pain on the energy levels and what needs doing for Christmas. It would be great to have it all delayed a while while I rest in my fluffy white cloud until I can handle it and enjoy it. I am not actually depressed at the moment but I have had a flu type virus which has knocked me for six for the past 2 1/2 weeks. (I think perhaps my immune system is low following handling some difficult patches earlier in the year.) The doctor I saw wasn't very sympathetic so I dragged myself back to work. I have been ditching as much of the Christmas preparations as I can (including contacting close friends to say please can you buy something for your kids this year and charge me later) but today I really must go into town to do some emergency Santa shopping and buy presents for my nieces. And then I still have some work that needs finishing. Bah humbug. Hoping at least that I can get it all done today and then genuinely rest tomorrow and most of Friday.
Love TF x

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:57pm

Wishing you rest and peace at christmas

Brum Mum Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:37pm

What a lovely plan! Just as you wish for warm, white nothingness I wish for either a fairy to wrap all the presents or a few more days to get things done. I like that you have made a plan to reduce the stress.....we all have to muddle through Christmas in our own way. Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas and respite for you from the black dog xxx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 2:08pm

Thank you

Brum Mum Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:37pm

What a lovely plan! Just as you wish for warm, white nothingness I wish for either a fairy to wrap all the presents or a few more days to get things done. I like that you have made a plan to reduce the stress.....we all have to muddle through Christmas in our own way. Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas and respite for you from the black dog xxx

E Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:38pm

Hi Mary,

A beautifully written blog BTW thank you. When you started asking, “what if I could wake on Christmas morn to a warm white nothingness with no dinner to cook and no church to attend”, I started getting quite concerned for your safety but I am relieved to read that wasn’t what you meant. Could I ask you one question though? Do your depressive episodes follow a predictable pattern or is each one different? And if each one is different how do you hold onto the notion that it will pass like the others and you will rise to the surface like a champagne cork as you have in the past? I hope you have a peaceful and stress free Christmas.

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 2:13pm

They tend to follow a pattern. So yes- I hope to get out of this in a couple or three weeks. And thank you

Benjamin Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 1:57pm

For those of you who think that the lifetime supply of shoes is a pipe dream, I (in some humor) recommend Of course, like the Ford, you can get any color you want, as long as it is black (or brown). And these aren't Choo shoes (though they are arguably better for your ankles).

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 2:12pm

Benjamin - hush your mouth! There is a time and place for DMS. But not in my life and not on my feet! (Humour appreciated. Thank you)

The Gardener Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 4:57pm

Mentioning shoes is mean. I love them. We are invited out to Christmas, with the nuns. It will be low-key - and very kind and peaceful - following mass - but not exactly an excuse for sheer tights and some MOST unsuitable red high-heeled shoes which I adore. Still feeling the utter exhaustion at reaching such a low point - my mind and body are a bit like yours, Mary - in a sort of white limbo - but I can't switch off. I have booked Mr G into respite on 30th December - I re-read last year's diary and the New Year was so utterly miserable I cannot risk getting depressed. I hope someone asks me out - no way I am going to a restaurant on my own - TV is such forced jollity, probably recorded in July, that I shall possibly take to favourite DVD's, My Fair Lady, Fiddler on the Roof, anything with Maggie Smith, with a bottle of champagne. Perhaps a coloured Unicorn will arrive - and I can order it to carry me off - somewhere crazy - New York or Rio de Janeiro. Must be crowds of people and colourful. And not think of being shot, mugged or losing my Credit Cards. Unicorns make one immune to such happenings. I hope your Christmas works, Mary. To avoid family quarrels, manipulation and the dreaded Christmas lunch we used to load all our kids, and their presents, in the Land Rover and head for rented accommodation by the sea in Italy. Remember Christmas lunch of Fritto Misto looking over the sea in Positano. New Year had added interest - waiters at rival restaurants would have a firework competition. Somebody accidentally dropped a cigarette in the firework stock - spectacular result and blew the windows in. Better still, in Sicily, anybody with a revolver 'shoots' the old year out. When we were there (under the table with the kids) they forgot they were more flats with balconies above them and two people were killed. Might have been settling Mafia scores, of course. HO, lovely - somebody tried to explain the chaos 'theory' once, surely a tautology?

Mary Wednesday Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 11:59pm

What a fabulously exciting thing: fireworks without restraint! Amazing memories and thank you for sharing them.

Rachel Wed, Dec 21st 2016 @ 9:24pm

I would love to have a family at Christmas and children to buy Christmas. For as long as I can remember at Christmas all I've wanted is a family but I was diagnosed with infertility a few years ago.

the room above the garage Thu, Dec 22nd 2016 @ 1:19am

Hello Rachel, I wish that you can find that feeling of family in a different way. Same recipe, just a different cake. Love ratg xx.

the room above the garage Thu, Dec 22nd 2016 @ 1:23am

Hello Marydoll, your Christmas sounds like it could be a much needed tonic. Fresh sea air (it will get in, there's no need to brace yourselves and walk in it if you don't want to!!! :-D) and proper unwinding. It sounds wonderful, and I hope the unicorn really does do marshmallow droppings! Keep me ratg x.

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