Alchemy for Pain

20 Apr 2019
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I have been interviewing counsellors this week.

Not for myself, this time, but for my daughter who is being badly bullied at school. The school has recommended that she speak with someone. Not just about what has happened over the last few months, but about much, so much more.

I won't give more details. She's happy for me to tell you about the bullying, because she now sees that it's all about the bullies, not her – but the rest is personal. Fair enough.

We've decided to go with the woman with whom I spoke this morning. She used two phrases which resonated with me. She said, "I will teach her to be truly herself, and to be true to herself," and "I will teach her how to turn her pain into strength."

My husband is baffled by this counselling business. After all, our daughter has a loving family – surely, she can talk to us (and yes, she does). She has her Godparents who love her – surely, she can talk with them (and yes, she does). Why does she need a professional? He's rather hurt.

The way I look at it, there are some DIY jobs that are, if you have the time and inclination, DIY. There are some jobs which – just aren't. The trick is to know which ones you can tackle yourself, and which ones for which you call in a professional. Even I (total klutz that I am) could probably apply new mastic to my shower tray. Fitting a new bathroom suite? For that, I'd call in the professionals.

This is a job for a professional.

Back to the phrase, "Turn her pain into strength."

This week is Holy Week in the Christian calendar. I know I need to be wary about talking about religion here, but please bear with me for a moment.

I follow the teachings of a Franciscan Friar, Father Richard Rohr. In his meditations in this Holy Week, he has written about how the pain and sufferings of Christ on the cross are transformed into love, acceptance and compassion: his open arms an embrace for the world.

This is truly turning pain into strength.

My daughter needs to understand herself and to understand her strengths and to then be true to those strengths.

She also needs to take her pain: the pain of betrayal and persecution, abandonment and loss, and turn it into strength, compassion and a passion for ministering to the world.

I have faith that she will do that.

It is so easy, it's natural, for pain to become bitterness and for betrayal to turn in on itself. It takes courage and faith to transform that hurt into beauty and strength. And often the help of a professional.

I know my daughter, with that help, will turn her pain into strength.

And, I ask you, what pain do you have? What can you turn into strength? And do you need the help of a professional?

Mary

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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Comments

Orangeblossom

April 21, 2019, 5:17 a.m.

Many thanks for the perceptive & honest blog Mary. Thinking of each of you today. It’s a glorious day in Lampeter, West Wales today & during the whole Easter weekend so far. Kind Regards. Zareen

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Ach UK

April 22, 2019, 4:16 a.m.

@ Mary. ( Sorry to squeeze this comment in on your reply Orange blossom. ) Mary, I have added a postscript this morning at the bottom of the comments. I hope you have managed a paddle in the sea this lovely holiday weekend. XX Ach.

Ruth

April 21, 2019, 6:23 a.m.

Counselling is hard work, but so worth it. Others around might not like how it changes you but that's their problem. Counselling is supposed to change you and help you to be stronger. Praying for you all. XX

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Sally

April 21, 2019, 6:27 a.m.

Interesting blog, Mary. We as a family faced something very similar two decades ago. Daughter got through it with help. But with setbacks too. It is not as easy as sticking a plaster on it, is it? We were told the bullying came because of envy by some others. It didn’t help, but explained to a certain extent...very best wishes to you as a family and it will unite you further . Bullying is torture...whatever the form, whoever the recipient. Counselling, if good, is a vital , specialist provision not to be derided. I believe it saves lives.

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Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 6:55 a.m.

Dear Mary the counsellor sounds wise and I hope your daughter finds strength from her pain. I have so much pain and am currently seeing a counsellor. After initial hope that her methods were different from those I’ve encountered previously, I’m doubting that these sessions are proving helpful. Of course I now worry that I’m somehow reflecting my inadequacies or that I’m not capable of change. I don’t know what to do as I’ve again invested time and a considerable amount of money yet feel quite hopeless x

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Ach UK

April 21, 2019, 10:57 a.m.

Dear Dragonfly, Wondering if you could say have a sabbatical from your councillor, tell her you need the summer off ( well, even from next week if you feel bogged down) to consolidate what you've been doing up till now . . .and suggest you'd like an appointment in September ! ?? Save a few Mickle and go out and sit under a tree or on the beach . . . . Fear and sadness and cogitation need a vacation, or a hibernation period maybe, else you can't get the joy out of life. And also, now Dragonfly, what's this about " reflecting your inadequacies " and that you're " not capable of change" ?? . . ." Ay up m'duck " here's a hanky. Dear Dragonfly, change doesn't always come quick, things have to bed down and new routes used over and over sometimes. And oh yes , " best beloved", some things we can change and some . . well we just have to accept we can't. And that's very hard to do . . :))) And as for inadequacies -- sigh, haven't I got some too . . . Dear Dragonfly, you've opened the box and let them all fly out round the room . . Well today, take the fly swatter and bat them all back in the box. If you've enough brain today make a list ( written) and stick it on the box. Then at a later date when you can gird up your loins have a look at one off the list and have critical look. Now is that really an inadequacy for every day and always, or merely a peccadillo that really you could just shove down your sock . . .or, maybe it is only a one off boo boo that's been following you around needlessly? :))) I don't know how we ever grow up and prosper, we get more aware of our inadequacies as we get older, but in reality a baby is nothing but inadequacies and an adult has had a great deal of time learning thousands of adequacies (smile) Anyway, I must get on. So dear Dragonfly, I hope you can sit with the sunshine. My thoughts to you. XX Ach.

Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 11:20 a.m.

Dear Ach I was going to say how wise I thought your comment below was then ran out of energy. You must have sensed how much I’m needing some kind words right now even though I feel I’ve been less than kind. I’m not doing well at all today and feel I can’t formulate a reply. I won’t elaborate so I’ll just send my heartfelt thanks xx

Sally

April 21, 2019, 11:44 a.m.

Dear Dragonfly, poppycock! You, inadequate? I think not! Was it not you, who gave succour to the young girl on the train last year, in your frequent trip across the hills to see your late father? That has stayed with me, as a cameo and it was such a good example of human interaction and help coming from left field. When you set out on that journey, you had no idea of the outcome...serendipity took over, didn’t it? Excuse me if I’ve got the wrong person but I THOUGHT it was you? Be comforted by knowing we all feel those feelings on here at some stage. I’ve just come out of 3 things berating myself for negative qualities, unspent energy, neglect of friends etc etc. That mind of mine plays such awful tricks. The scores being super low should’ve pointed to Low mood anxiety and depression but I thought if I hid it all it would just go away. It didn’t ! Now, I can confidently say that I am set to have a better few months,well, I hope so, unless something unplanned and dire hits us...but all this to say, THINKING OF YOU, dear Dragonfly, and hunt out the person or people who are good for you and believe in you for they will prove to be your greatest asset in this low period. From which I fervently hope you will recover VERY SOON. SENDING HUGS, A BARRELLOAD. XX Sally

Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 12:03 p.m.

Oh Sally yes it was me and I’m so very touched that you’ve remembered. Your thoughts and words along with Ach’s have helped me so much. Immeasurably so. Hugs to you too xx

Sally

April 21, 2019, 12:08 p.m.

Not three “things” but three “months”! Was my typo, line 9!

Valerie

April 21, 2019, 12:35 p.m.

Hello Dragon, Counsellors are just human beings at the end of the day.I have known a few people who, having made a real pig's ear of their own lives, went on to retrain as therapists,life coaches,healers of various kinds. There is a fellow dog-walker I chat to (when I can't avoid him!) He is full of self-pity,and bitterness towards his ex-wife.He goes to great lengths to get out of paying child support,and make trouble for her.He is a social worker whose role is to assess couples wishing to adopt! He also has a private practice. If this therapy is making you feel you have failed,it can't be right for you. You'll have gathered that I don't personally have very much confidence in therapy,but others on Moodscope have found it to be of great benefit. Love and Hugs,***

Molly

April 21, 2019, 12:41 p.m.

That’s a lovely message Sally. Hugs from me too Dragon, the negative chatter in your head is not real, it’s just how you feel right now. Sending my love xxxx

Sally

April 21, 2019, 1:19 p.m.

Thanks Molly. Did you have a nice birthday? ***

Molly

April 21, 2019, 1:26 p.m.

Hi Sally, yes I did, we were unable to do anything, but we had some visitors (over a few days) and I got spoilt xxxx

Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 6:04 p.m.

Thanks for your insight Valerie. Hugs to you too x

Sally

April 21, 2019, 8:21 p.m.

Good stuff, Molly. Glad you got spoilt, Molly.

Mary Wednesday

April 21, 2019, 8:36 p.m.

Darling Dragonfly, not all counsellors are created equal. If you are not bonding with this one and/of feeling you are not moving on, then move away and find someone else. I have had good, bad and indifferent counselling over the years. In fact, I blogged about it in "That's not my Therapist" back in July 2013 http://moodscope.blogspot.com/2013/07/thats-not-my-therapist.html. And a good therapist/ counsellor may be good only for a specific time. After that time you may move onto someone else. Good luck with finding yours.

Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 9:15 p.m.

Thank you Mary my love. I’ll revisit that blog tomorrow x

RC

April 24, 2019, 10:21 a.m.

Dragonfly, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences with councelling. I had weekly sessions for four years a long time ago. I stopped because we were going over the same 'stuff' over and over again to no avail. I sometimes think I need to go back and see someone again but have decided against it. My daughter has seen a therapist who has apparently worked wonders with her. I'm pleased but she has now realised that after my marriage broke down and bipolar developed she will never have the same mother again. This upset me greatly; I love her and tell her often. She lives in Edinburgh so I don't see her as much as I would like but she says even if we saw each other more the damage is done. She wants and needs to be mothered and I'm not that person. While I've tried to understand I don't really agree that we can't get back to how we were. She wants our relationship to be 'authentic' which, for her, it has'nt been for a long time. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Can anyone suggest any nuggets of informatio to mend this ( in her eyes) rift? Take care RubyRedd x

Dragonfly

April 24, 2019, 11:52 a.m.

Dear RubyRed, thank you for your thoughts. I'm sorry to hear how things are with your daughter. I feel ill-qualified to offer any help as I have a broken relationship with my son and don't feel I was the mum I might have been. What stands out for me is that you tell your daughter of your love, but I actually wonder if her therapist did work wonders if she's unable to accept the changed dynamics of your relationship. I don't want to appear critical as I'm terrible with change and acceptance. If you're portraying your true self; as you are now, in all its broken-ness then I see that as being completely authentic. Perhaps you may not retrieve what once was, but it might be a case of both adapting to a new authenticity. I say this as if I have the slightest clue about life, relationships or mothering, but it felt like the right thing to write, so perhaps there's a hint of truth in it. I do wish you well x

RC

April 24, 2019, 9:42 p.m.

Thanks so much; your words have given me hope especially about ‘new authenticity’. I believe our relationship can be good again only different. Keep your fingers crossed for me x

DAVE

April 21, 2019, 7:04 a.m.

Hi Mary,Thank you for your blog this morning. There is merit in counselling, finding the empathetic person who is able to listen to your daughter without interrupting, will give her comfort and confidence in knowing that the counsellor has in her mind given your daughter the correct comforting, directive reply that will 'iron out' the issues in hand. There are counsellors who can make thing worse in my experience. For years coming occasionally into contention with others of all ages, has taught me that, if I counter react against the aggressor, it can make things turn nasty. Taking the opposite tract, for me however resolves conflict.. What I mean is if someone says something unpleasant to me, I say, "Ok you're entitled to your opinion, but you're not making a very good job of it, why don't you say something really nasty, and "do it properly. I was queuing up at the Post Office counter, and someone said something unpleasant, in the queue behind me, I turned around in front of all the others queuing, they all laughed and the ;perpetrator, didn't wait and walked out of the Post Office. Taking the opposite line of defense, other than a 'normal' retaliation for me resolves issues of defamation of all sorts. I wish you and your daughter well with the counsellor and I'm sure your daughter will learn in future how to handle aggression or contention of any sort. Have a lovely day Mary. Love Dave XX.

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Justin

April 21, 2019, 7:47 a.m.

Hello Mary, I get your husbands thinking. I had counselling about 13 years ago now and managed to find the one person that changed my life. She unlocked so many things for me just by talking and taking my mind to different possibilities for things that happened in my life. I am a very open person and talked to everyone about me and my problems but all it took was that one gifted professional to help me set my self straight and find peace. 13 years later I find myself needing therapy again not for the same reasons but because my marriage has broken down and she has left me not understanding why. There is stuff still not balanced about me that I guess got her down. Unfortunately I can’t afford to pay private fees and am waiting for help for CBT via self referral. If your daughters counsellor is good and your daughter connects with her I am sure it will work for her. Good counsellors are life savers and worth there weight in gold!! Good luck x

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The Gardener

April 21, 2019, 8:29 a.m.

Justin, so glad you can accept help. I still have a very sore place because Mr G would have no truck with any sort of counselling. A social man, he could not talk of his own problems, and he needed to let his anger out.

Valerie

April 21, 2019, 12:39 p.m.

Hello again Justin,hope CBT might help.I saw the logic in the thinking,but I think my damage goes back too far.Still,it was interesting and I don't regret doing it.Some bits did stay with me.Good Luck x

Tutti Frutti

April 21, 2019, 7:55 a.m.

Mary Happy Easter and best wishes to you and your daughter. It sounds a really painful situation as a parent as well as obviously for your daughter. It's really good that you are getting professional help for your daughter and the counsellor sounds good. The only thing I would urge is that you are open to changing counsellor if you find your daughter doesn't get on with her for some reason and make sure your daughter knows this. Love TF x

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Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 10:12 a.m.

Dear TF as you might see from above, I’m wondering whether I should change counsellors or whether I’m part of the problem! I’ve invested quite heavily so far. But again Justin seems to have hit upon a really good counsellor and I know my daughter is now thriving due to hers so perhaps we aren’t the right match. I’m feeling very bleak today xx

Sally

April 21, 2019, 12:12 p.m.

Dragonfly , a change is as good as a rest too. You have nothing to lose by trying a change of counsellors, but everything to gain! From where I’m sitting, anyway...getting the right match is essential. Congruence, and all that. I had a super one, then 2 average. The super one was the most helpful in getting rid of buried cankers...

Jul

April 21, 2019, 1:42 p.m.

If only counselling were not so costly especially if you have to try a few before finding the right one. I think in the USA you can be refunded by your insurance. some Americans I know are always having therapy and counselling and often find really good ones. Jul xx

Molly

April 21, 2019, 2:03 p.m.

It is costly Jul, like you say. Especially if you want a good one. I’ve had some dire experiences with the NHS. If they are good they can go private and charge silly money! Like most things in this life, if you have money etc.... might not bring happiness but gives you access to things that many don’t have access to xx

Tutti Frutti

April 21, 2019, 7:03 p.m.

Hi Dragonfly I think we are all capable of change so don't give up hope. You sound like you are prepared to put the time and the work in so I am sure that you can make changes. Different counsellors are able to help different people and deal with different issues so I would definitely look around for a counsellor who suits you better if you aren't finding your current sessions very useful. Love TF x

Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 7:48 p.m.

Thank you dear TF xx

The Gardener

April 21, 2019, 8:27 a.m.

Mary, I do feel for you so - to accept, rightly, that your daughter needs NON-FAMILY counselling - for you, and more so your husband, you are hurt, pride, feeling of failure, WE should have been able to cope with it, no way. As TF says, choice of counsellor, and willingness to change, is vital. Having gone through 5 children, 6 grand-children and a g-g daughter, you cannot tell who a teen-ager will 'click' with - how often I've heard how 'awful' this or that teacher is. Love and courage to you and your family. xx

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Ach UK

April 21, 2019, 10:17 a.m.

Dear Mary, Your blog post today was like a pebble tossed into my pond . , . A very small pond mine for a pretty huge rock. It has sent splashes and ripples through my mind and memories. I am saddened by your blog and hope your daughter will find meetings with this councellor helpful. I agree to a great extent with TG and Tutti Frutti and Justin: and Dave's first paragraph. But, here's an old saying ( did it come up in yesterday's blog?) . . . " You can take a horse to water; but you can't make it drink" and also " I see a diamond, But you see coal". -It may take some time and I hope this councellor is a listener and a suggester and allows your daughter to explore in a confidential space the issues SHE feels she wishes to , at this time. The word from your blog pushing most ripples was "Teach". It sounds so cut and dried. I think rather than " Teach" gentler words might be; meet with, visit, talk together, listen to the child, . . Is this Councellor going to be helping your daughter feel more comfortable with herself and her understanding of her identity as she moves towards adulthood -- which may not sit comfortably with you and the rest of the family - ? I very much hope your daughter is coming willingly to this councillor, feeling she has an active choice. That the family can all actively support her and accept that differing viewpoints can all be valid and this point not conflicting with overall belonging of you all together. I hope that you Mary are not bogging down into the burden of parental guilt and catastrophysing ( Oh my goodness , has she got my genes will she . . etc etc ), Hugs to you, rooting for you all. Lots of support from all here I think. XX Ach.

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Sally

April 21, 2019, 12:26 p.m.

Such a good reply Ach. I must admit to having reservations about Mary even broaching the subject of her daughter’s counselling on here because of her daughter’s privacy. My own daughter would not have liked to have been mentioned in a blog, I feel. Mary, you say you have passed it by your daughter, and that’s good. But children sometimes say yes when they mean no. My daughter to this day is intensely private. Would be horrified if the subject of a blog, or even a part of it. Just my own opinion. Not a criticism but a view.

Molly

April 21, 2019, 1 p.m.

I agree Sally, it’s the first thing I thought. It would have been better if she wasn’t aware the blog was being written about her as it somewhat puts her in the spotlight and highlights the issues she is already facing and counselling is a very personal thing. She might be thinking, “why am I the one that needs help” she’s the victim here xx

The Gardener

April 21, 2019, 4:44 p.m.

I think Molly and Sally have voiced a problem some of us have here - the fear that we will be recognised by somebody who also posts and offend/upset them. The subject is such a delicate one, has to be dealt with, share or not share? Good luck Mary xx

Molly

April 21, 2019, 8:31 p.m.

Gardener, you are right but Mary told her daughter in which case she might want to read the blog or even know how to read the blog as her mother is quite open about her writing and her name. Anything I write on here about my family, they would never know about xx

Mary Wednesday

April 22, 2019, 8:19 a.m.

My daughter does not read this blog. She has however, specifically told me she is happy for the whole world to know. It was when the bullies started on a vulnerable autistic girl at school that she had that lightbulb moment and realised it was not she who was somehow to blame, but the bullies. At that point she found her anger and was prepared to fight. Part of that fighting is absolute transparency.

Lemon

April 21, 2019, 1:13 p.m.

Hello Mary. Bullying is one of the most destructive things someone can encounter and will do lasting damage. Sometimes the person affected needs to talk to someone who they are not close to, someone removed from the situation, and I think this is where the right counsellor can be of great benefit. Finding the right one can take time as they seem to be fairly thin on the ground! I hope your daughter finds it helpful and emerges from this time as a stronger person who can look back on her experience as a lesson in life.

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Molly

April 21, 2019, 1:19 p.m.

Hi Mary I have seen a lot of professionals in the past, some good, some not so good. But that’s a different kettle of fish really as it’s more mental health related. It sounds like you have made it clear to your daughter that none of this is her fault, as I said above, at such a sensitive age, she could be thinking that if she requires counselling, then it is her fault. And if the bullies find out, it could create more bullying. In general though, it’s important that we keep these young people supported as they don’t necessarily understand what is happening or why. I have a teenage niece with problems but she refuses counselling. So in that respect it is good that your daughter agreed to it. I would suggest that from my experiences, not to make a song and dance out of it, and I wouldn’t push her to tell you what was said. Although you might be going with her, I don’t know her age. Here’s hoping that it helps her and that some progress has been made at the school. Molly xx

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Bailey

April 21, 2019, 4:51 p.m.

Thank you Mary, I reread your blog it was so good. What a great approach the counsellor has; turning scars into stars. Wish you and your famlly health,healing, and wholeness this Easter.

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Dragonfly

April 21, 2019, 6:56 p.m.

Hello Bailey, nice to see you here again. Hope you're well x

The Gardener

April 21, 2019, 4:57 p.m.

The most amazing coincidence - looked up my blog 'Does Counselling do it for you'? on 8/12/16. There was a very large response, masses of experiences, all posts were from 'strangers' to Moodscope posting except for Mary, talking of her wide experience of counsellors. Hope the one chosen for your daughter, Mary, will 'click' first time in such a disturbing experience for a teen-age girl.

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Valerie

April 21, 2019, 7:30 p.m.

Hello Mary, I know you understandably did not wish to tackle the source of the bullying,because it is a young lad whose father decamped leaving the mother to struggle. It is still the case though that she should be made aware of what is happening,if only to give her a chance to get help before her son's behaviour escalates.You have not mentioned the form that the bullying takes,but I assume it must be beyond normal banter and teasing if you are seeking professional help? I do see your husband's point,is this an overreaction,and should your daughter be made to feel she has emotional problems if the answer lies in simply making the boy stop what he is doing?

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Molly

April 21, 2019, 8:44 p.m.

Hi Valerie, yes it was what I was trying to say. It appears that the problem has turned around onto the person that doesn’t have the problem (or maybe she does) but I see it as an over reaction because of the blog. Personally I wouldn’t go exposing her ‘out there’ for what is a very private matter, and of course counselling for her does not solve the issue!

Valerie

April 22, 2019, 6:24 a.m.

I fully understand that Mary is a very thoughtful and compassionate person,living according to her religious ethics.I also think that it is not doing the young lad or his mother any favours in the longterm,to cover this up and switch the focus onto the victims. The boy may just be pushing his luck,seeing what he can get away with before someone stops him.Ideally that someone would be a father,but that's not going to happen.***

Mary Wednesday

April 22, 2019, 8:22 a.m.

A bit more complicated than just one boy, Valerie: a group led by two strong characters. The boy concerned is just a willing henchman. We shall see what the school can do.

Ach UK

April 22, 2019, 4:07 a.m.

Dear Mary, I've Come back for another look at this whole blog. I'm wondering if the replies from us all might stand as themselves without necessitating any comment from you. As you were careful of your daughter's and family privacy hopefully there is sufficient support in the comments without the need for us to disturb further. Easter being an important time for you and family, I hope you can have a loving and respectful space, taking stock of the strong childers/young adults you are growing and visions of happy futures. Wishing you quiet waves along the shore, and footsteps to follow. XX Ach .

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Mary Wednesday

April 22, 2019, 8:23 a.m.

Thank you. As this went out on Easter Sunday, and I did not feel the majority of the comments required answers, I chose to stay silent. Yes, a supportive community.

Salt Water Mum

April 22, 2019, 7:32 a.m.

Hi Mary, I wanted to say I am thinking of you and your daughter. It's a difficult time for all your family. There is a v real sense of unfairness when it's our own child going through such a hard time. Why is this happening to her? Why is it my child who is suffering? Why is she the one who has to get counselling when she's done nothing wrong? All very real and valid and human responses. So, what I try to do is turn it around - if possible: My child isn't the problem here but she needs tools to deal with the problem. I can help her as her loving parent but I am so close to her and so emotional about the situation that it's best she receives those tools from a professional. From someone who likes and respects her but is not her close family who would kill for her. I would also add that the desire for every teen to feel 'the same as everyone else' is huge. as we know. And so the thought of counselling can lead to her thinking: 'why me? Why I am the odd one out who needs to go to a counsellor?' I would suggest, even to a teen, that everyone needs tools - different sets of tools but we all need them - and she's getting in there young and finding out what she needs, rather than waiting until she's 20 or 40 or later like so many people. These tools she may well find useful all her life. Because there are bullies everywhere - at all stages of our lives - and she will have the tools to avoid and deal with them in the future. Imagine if we'd all learnt the ability to trust our instincts with people from a much earlier age. It's even before trust - it's listening to and hearing our instincts first and then trusting them. What a life skill to learn early on. And so I hope your daughter and the counsellor you have chosen (who I like the sound of) 'click' and I wish all good things for your daughter. I imagine if they are a good fit, that she will be a quick learner. She has done nothing wrong but by being pro-active, and you and your family supporting her, she will emerge stronger from all of this. SWM x

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anonymous

April 22, 2019, 7:50 a.m.

My pain at the moment is that my commenting account with the Guardian has been 'disabled'. I think that this is because of two unappreciative replies to comments I made about Daniel Kramer quitting the ENO House. My initial comments were tentative, eg, about not being able to get to the opera because of physical and psychological obstacles. The objecting commenters thought that these comments were not 'on-topic' enough, I guess.

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anonymous

April 22, 2019, 7:54 a.m.

To continue … my coping strategy at the moment is to be myself, which, perhaps unfortunately, happens to be a (roughly) two-year-old, when I relax, that is. However, this seems to annoy folk.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:07 a.m.

One of the 'objectors' to my comments posted "Nurse!" which I thought was rude and discriminatory, ironic considering this contributor is from an ethnic group himself.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:13 a.m.

the other objecting commenter said that my posts were "f*****g" irritating. As a result, the moderator decided to delete several of them, although these posts had been there quite some time, which lead to my becoming 'disabled' from contributing. Imho, it was gang-like behaviour, and, it felt quite 'animalistic', not to mention, rejecting. Perhaps admitting that I had a mental health difficulty and was on antidepressants was a mistake. The problem is that I am an interactive 'learner' and therefore, feel genuinely 'disabled', now.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:16 a.m.

I feel like I've been 'peeled' - can Moodscope members relate to that feeling?

Mary Wednesday

April 22, 2019, 8:26 a.m.

Yes, and hugs to you. But (a wry smile), it is so tempting to say, "Well, what do you expect from the Guardian? Switch newspapers!" I know that is not the answer and I am sorry you have not received more support, understanding and compassion from that community.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:29 a.m.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:47 a.m.

I think my point is that any engagement, for me, is a personal triumph, but, it takes me some time to engage fully with something (perhaps i'm dyslexic or have some other learning difficulty?). I find the rule to be totally 'on-topic' first-time round, an obstacle to my contributing at all. Lastly, I think it's important for folk with mental health issues to be integrated into 'mainstream society, for their own wellbeing, but also because I do believe that we all have something to offer, no?

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:51 a.m.

Good luck with your counsellor search for your daughter.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:51 a.m.

Good luck with your counsellor search for your daughter.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 8:51 a.m.

Good luck with your counsellor search for your daughter.

anonymous

April 22, 2019, 9:24 a.m.

am now going to give recommendations to folk who disagree with commenters who were unkind to me. a counsellor once told me I should stand-up for myself.

Daisy

April 24, 2019, 11:25 a.m.

Dear Mary I was bullied when I was at school it was really bad. I cried every night- now I realise I was depressed probably triggered by the bullying. The adults my parents teachers and parents friends wanted to help- but the way they communicated showed the worry on their faces and I felt even more of a failure- I think having professional help would have been good- also if you are a teenager you are re-adjusting your relationship with your parents and it is good to keep the two separate The impact of bullying lasts many years or it did for me. For the next 10 years it impacted heavily my view of myself and the decisions I made. If I had been able to handle it better my life and happiness in those years could have been better. It is not a failing of the daughters father that he is not enough but it is a strong and powerful thing for him to endorse the counselling and demonstrate his love for his daughter

Reply

Daisy

April 24, 2019, 11:25 a.m.

Dear Mary I was bullied when I was at school it was really bad. I cried every night- now I realise I was depressed probably triggered by the bullying. The adults my parents teachers and parents friends wanted to help- but the way they communicated showed the worry on their faces and I felt even more of a failure- I think having professional help would have been good- also if you are a teenager you are re-adjusting your relationship with your parents and it is good to keep the two separate The impact of bullying lasts many years or it did for me. For the next 10 years it impacted heavily my view of myself and the decisions I made. If I had been able to handle it better my life and happiness in those years could have been better. It is not a failing of the daughters father that he is not enough but it is a strong and powerful thing for him to endorse the counselling and demonstrate his love for his daughter

Reply

Daisy

April 24, 2019, 11:25 a.m.

Dear Mary I was bullied when I was at school it was really bad. I cried every night- now I realise I was depressed probably triggered by the bullying. The adults my parents teachers and parents friends wanted to help- but the way they communicated showed the worry on their faces and I felt even more of a failure- I think having professional help would have been good- also if you are a teenager you are re-adjusting your relationship with your parents and it is good to keep the two separate The impact of bullying lasts many years or it did for me. For the next 10 years it impacted heavily my view of myself and the decisions I made. If I had been able to handle it better my life and happiness in those years could have been better. It is not a failing of the daughters father that he is not enough but it is a strong and powerful thing for him to endorse the counselling and demonstrate his love for his daughter

Reply

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