A message of hope

18 Jul 2018
Bookmark

I first started recording my scores on Moodscope at the beginning of 2015 and when I look back at the early comments I can't quite believe I'm the same person. This morning I read this:

"Don't see the point of anything anymore, just don't care. Can't see how, after four years of this anything is going to make a difference. If I could go I would."

It's taken a long time and progress has been gradual, but my life is unrecognisable from where it was in early 2015. I still have occasional dips (mostly menopausal I think!) but mainly things are on an even keel. I love my life, I love my little boy in a way I didn't think possible, and boy have I learnt some big lessons about life.

This blog is very short because all I really want to say is hang in there. Whatever you are facing, whatever you are feeling, whatever space you're in, it will get better. I never thought, when I was lying face-down on the bathroom floor crying and begging not to be here anymore, that things would get better and I would love life again and want to live it. But they did and I do, and I don't just want to live it but I want to live it for a long time.

Never ever give up because you just don't know what's coming next. It might not feel like that right now but trust me, it will change.

Love to you all and much love and gratitude to Moodscope for being with me in the darkest moments of life, you helped carry me through.

Debs xxxx

A Moodscope member.

Moodscope is crowdfunding. Please help. It only takes a couple of minutes to donate:https://bit.ly/2JcDkMm"

By making a donation you will enable Moodscope to make the improvements necessary to offer immediate help to everyone who needs it.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

Email us at support@moodscope.com to submit your own blog post!

Comments

Jon

July 19, 2018, 4:06 a.m.

Oh, Debs. This has made me particularly teary-eyed. Thank you so much for doing such great work, and for believing in yourself, and *especially* (*especially*) for saying this: "I love my little boy in a way I didn't think possible." Wow, just wow. So very proud of you.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 1:51 p.m.

Ah Jon, thanks so much for your beautiful words - my turn to be teary-eyed now! Thank you for commenting and for your pride.. a friend asked me the other day 'what are you most proud of in life?' and I said 'still being here!' It took everything I had to stay alive and I thank myself everyday for not giving up. Sending much love ***

Hopeful One

July 19, 2018, 4:34 a.m.

Hi Debs - Thank you for articulating the exact thoughts that went through my mind when I was in the dumps. That is how I acquired my non de plume. I claim that the thought of ending one’ s life or is the ultimate loss of any hope that things will get better or they will improve. Never ,never,never ,never lose hope. There was something else that I found. Learn or teach oneself again how to laugh- in the depths of depression that is the last think we want to do - but that is precisely what we need to do. Start by going to the numerous joke sites on the net. Get those chuckle muscles going and the depression will start lifting albeit not on day one but in due course. So here is our laugh for today. One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. Thecockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen", he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.

Reply

Bearofliddlebrain

July 19, 2018, 4:52 a.m.

Tee hee HO, tee hee! Bear x

Sally

July 19, 2018, 6:13 a.m.

Nice one, Hopeful One. And good comment too.

Mary Wednesday

July 19, 2018, 6:30 a.m.

Giggle

Oli

July 19, 2018, 7:41 a.m.

:-) And thank you for the blog Debs. Good words. TY.

the room above the garage

July 19, 2018, 7:57 a.m.

HO have I mentioned I love you :-D

Molly

July 19, 2018, 11:57 a.m.

Lol !

Debs

July 19, 2018, 1:52 p.m.

Such true words HO - and good to see you on here still bringing a smile to everyone, you are a gem ;-) xx

Hopeful One

July 19, 2018, 6:34 p.m.

Hi Guys- thank you all for your heartwarming lovely comments.

Bearofliddlebrain

July 19, 2018, 5:02 a.m.

Hi Debs Beautifully written, expressing what so many of us felt like: the despair, misery and hopelessness of a life you don’t want to be leading. Moodscope is a big helping hand on many a day, pulling us up and out...even if it takes a long time. Bear ***

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 4:33 p.m.

Hey lovely Bear, so nice to see your name and read words. I hope you're in a good place hun, sending so much love ***

Jojosinc

July 19, 2018, 5:49 a.m.

Thank you.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 4:52 p.m.

Pleasure Jojosinc, sending love xx

Sally

July 19, 2018, 6:10 a.m.

Wow, Debs! Your blog may be short, but so powerful! And true in its message too. Hang on in there, anyone who is feeling the struggle is just unending. It will get better. And you, Debs, are living proof of that. Facing a difficult situation here where our daughter has just become a single parent. We know she will face hard times ahead, but we’ll always be here for her . Much love, you certainly deserve it, Debs. *** back . You are inspiring.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 4:54 p.m.

Ahh Sally, thanks so much, that's so kind of you. I am a single parent so please reassure your daughter that she's not alone, it's hard but with lovely parents like you she will cope. Send her love from me, I'll be thinking of her ***

Orangeblossom

July 19, 2018, 6:27 a.m.

Thanks Debs for your very encouraging message full of hope!

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 4:56 p.m.

I'm glad it brought hope Orange! I pinch myself sometimes that my life is real, I just hope anyone who is struggling hangs in there to see the light at the end of the tunnel ***

Salt Water Mum

July 19, 2018, 6:35 a.m.

I felt teary-eyed too reading this Debs. I thought of people who didn't believe the darkness would pass. I wish they had known. It does. It doesn't feel like it but it does. Yours is a powerful, moving blog. I think it could be the blog on the Moodscope crowdfunding page - no other explanation needed, this says it all. There is is hope - hold on tight. SWM x

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 4:59 p.m.

Oh wow, thank you for your words hun, I feel a bit choked! I've put something similar on FB so hopefully it will encourage people to support the crowdfunding. ***

Mary Wednesday

July 19, 2018, 6:43 a.m.

Hello Debs. So funny, reading your blog this morning. Last night I was reading through some old blogs I had written ; written both in mania when I felt I could jump right out of my skin and land on the moon, and in darkest depression when there was no light and no promise of light. Like you, I cannot believe how far I have come. I remember the last time, calculating how many years I have to go on (8), before I could kill myself. In that space, even knowing, intellectually, that the darkness would lift - I still wanted to die. I could see, beyond the next high, to the inevitable shadows behind it, and to the blackness beyond that. As it has been for you, Moodscope has been my lifeline, and my writing the knot which has tied me to it. Thank you for your blog this morning. Today I am battling one of the migraines which are a side effect of the medication that keeps me stable. The migraines always bring me down. But the painkillers are kicking in - and with that, my mood is lifting. Sending you a hug, dear Debs. I am so very glad you are in a better place. Please stay with us: you carry the beacon of hope.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:01 p.m.

Oh Mary, thank you, I'm so touched by your words - you are the person I have followed the most on here. Your blogs always resonate and your journey is so inspiring. I hope your migraine is lifting and your mood with it, sending much lovexxx

Leah

July 19, 2018, 6:49 a.m.

Debs, I was wondering what happened to you. glad things worked out. did that seminar you wrote about help you? it is a good message things will change. Do you think there are people whose lives won’t chnage for the better? Leah

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:07 p.m.

Hey lovey, the seminar (landmark) def helped, as did therapy (I've seen a psychoanalyst for the past 18 months and the healing had been unbelievable) and meditation. I believe without a single doubt that everyone's lives can change, it can take time but there's always something to help everyone. How are you doing at the moment? xxxx

Tutti Frutti

July 19, 2018, 6:51 a.m.

Debs A great blog which I totally identify with and I love today's quote as well ( going to write it in my book later). Your bit about loving your little boy in a way you never thought possible really took me back to the time I was really struggling in hospital when my daughter was a baby. I remember praying with the hospital chaplain to be able to love my daughter. The chaplain assured me that prayer would definitely be answered and I am glad to say that she was absolutely right. Love TF x

Reply

The Gardener

July 19, 2018, 9:07 a.m.

I had a real dilemma re 'loving' my children; could I love the adopted ones as well as the natural born? I found I suffered just as much if they had a bad dental experience, were frightened, and, worst of all, when they were in unhappy relationships.

The Gardener

July 19, 2018, 9:10 a.m.

And the estrangement from the 2nd adopted daughter is the saddest event in my life, think of her most days.

Molly

July 19, 2018, 12:01 p.m.

Dear Gardener, I cannot imagine how it must feel that your adopted daughter chose to lose contact. It happened with a good friend of mine which is nothing like a daughter, but it hurts. I feel powerless to the situation even though I have tried to contact him. Please try and keep your spirits up, I know you have been so down lately and that makes everything feel even worse. Thinking of you xx

Debs

July 19, 2018, 1:55 p.m.

Dearest Gardener, you brought a tear to my as I read that. I never prayed to anyone out loud but I definitely prayed in my head... not loving your child - when the world tells you its innate and the most natural thing in the world - is so very scary. I think I love him twice as much now to make up for it!! I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, that must be so so tough - sending you so much love ***

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:09 p.m.

Sorry Tutti Frutti, I mixed up yours and Gardeners comments! It was you who said about the prayer.... it resonated so much and has helped me see things differently today so thank you. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one to think a thought is the biggest help of all ***

the room above the garage

July 19, 2018, 7:55 a.m.

Hello Debs, I’ve often wondered how you were, it’s fab to hear from you and hear how you’ve travelled! (Was it you who was almost broken by driving on the motorway to drop off your son? It sticks in my mind...it was familiar to me.) I’m smiling. Thank you for showing others the way and leaving candles on for them, love room xx.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 1:58 p.m.

Dearest Room, I think of you often too, as I do all my old friends - you, Mary, Leah, Bear, The Gardener. It may have been me that was broken by the motorway journey, I used to drive to my parents five hours away with a tiny baby just crying and crying. Gawd, I think about it now and it's like another lifetime. Huge love to you hun, I will dip back in here more often I think, it's like coming home. xxxx

Mortimer

July 19, 2018, 8:47 a.m.

Well done Debs great blog lots of heartfelt "me too's", I suspect, out there in the Moodscope world, on reading your blog and thinking, yup, I remember those times!

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:10 p.m.

Indeed Charlie and hopefully lots of people who are through the other side and feeling much brighter! Sending love ***

Molly

July 19, 2018, 8:54 a.m.

Hi Debs I don't remember you so it must have been before 'my time' here. It was lovely to read your blog because although not suicidal, I do feel stuck in a rut, cannot work etc, and have also been thinking "this has gone on too long, it is never going to change". I try to be hopeful but it's not easy. You are a perfect example of how things CAN change and your blog gave me a lift today. I am so pleased for you. Thank you for sharing, Molly xx

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:14 p.m.

Hi Molly, I'm so glad it provided a lift, it's so easy to go into thoughts of 'I can't do this, it will never change' isn't it? I found it difficult after so many years to think it would ever change. But then I started to change my language and praise myself for how far I'd come and what I'd achieved in the day (even if it was only getting out of bed!) and that really helped. I'm sending love and light your way, keep going and be so gentle on yourself, you're doing great and you'll get there xxxx

Molly

July 19, 2018, 10 p.m.

Thank you Debs xx

The Gardener

July 19, 2018, 9:05 a.m.

Great Debs, thanks - 'me too' roller coaster of misery and bright points over 4 + years with Moodscope. Still have to cope with a strong streak of puritanism - my 'Mentor' been in this a.m - really pleased with my 'progress' in picking up my life - fierce about my attitude - hot and tired, but can't go and sit with a book at only 11 a.m. Inertia and limbo also challenges - what a tribute to Moodscope from all those who have written above. Looking back is most useful. xx

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:15 p.m.

Looking back is amazing isn't it?! I love having scores to reflect on and think 'hmmm, that was a good period, what happened there?' and to see the steady rise in scores over three years is really powerful. ***

Lex

July 19, 2018, 10:50 a.m.

Stunning - THANK YOU, Debs xx

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:16 p.m.

Thank you Lexi, that's such a lovely thing to say. I hope you're doing ok ***

Katie S

July 19, 2018, 11:17 a.m.

Deb's, this blog is just what I need at the moment. I'm in the deep dark hole of despair at the moment and this has been a great help (even if I did read it with tears rolling down my face). Thanks for giving me the encouragement to carry on xx

Reply

Molly

July 19, 2018, 12:11 p.m.

Hi Katie, sorry you are in such a bad place at the moment. I am glad Debs's blog helped you. We have to have hope. I have had three depression free days, these are unusual for me. I have a long way to go no doubt but it is a start. I truly feel like a different person right now but in the deep dark holes of despair, we cannot see a way out. Wishing you all the best and sending love and peace of mind. Molly xx

Katie S

July 19, 2018, 12:59 p.m.

Thank you Molly, I hope you're depression free days continue. All the best to you Katie xx

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:24 p.m.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a bad place Katie, it's so flippin tough isn't it?! I'm glad the blog helped and provided some hope.... I promise there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even when all looks black. Hang in there love, be so gentle on yourself and keep reminding yourself that you're doing ok. Even the fact that you took the time to comment is a massive achievement, there were days where I couldn't even open the computer. You're ok under all the dark thoughts, that lovely person is still there, just hidden. Sending so much love xxxxx

Katie S

July 19, 2018, 7:58 p.m.

Thank you Debs. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to copy your blog to my 'go to' files that help when I'm struggling to help me realise I'm not alone when in the dark hole of anxiety, depression and despair. Love and hugs to you xx

Molly

July 19, 2018, 10:01 p.m.

Thank you Katie xx

Mimine

July 19, 2018, 12:02 p.m.

Beautiful blog Debs that gives so much hope and got tears in my eyes too! Mary, I seem to also get dips just before I get a migraine and wonder if it is menopausal as you suggest. Although not desperately low I still find it hard to be positive about my life. I often have negative thoughts such as « What is it all about? » and envy believers who can get help through religion to make sense of it all. I am getting help from talking therapy at the moment and want to keep hope for better days. Thanks again Debs!

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:28 p.m.

Thanks Mimine, it's so encouraging to read all the comments, makes me want to write more when I know it helps people. I think the trick with those thoughts is to know that every single person has them, some of us just get more caught up in them than others. I found The Landmark Forum so powerful for changing my relationship to my thoughts and giving me peace of mind, have a look at it if you feel any of what I've said resonates. It certainly sped up my therapy and the two are a powerful combination. Much love xxxx

Ach UK

July 19, 2018, 5:06 p.m.

Thank you Debs for opening your heart and telling it how it was. So so pleased you battled on and came back. I do wish for you a long and fulfilling life. Telling your story is so important for those struggling. Thank you. Indeed definitely a very important blog. XX Ach.

Reply

Debs

July 19, 2018, 5:30 p.m.

Thanks Ach, I think todays blog has shown me how important it is for me - for all of us - to tell our stories. It really helps doesn't it? It's so healing for everyone. Thanks you for taking the time to comment, everyone's words have meant so much today. Sending loads of love ***

Login or Sign Up to Comment