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A contradictory enigma. Thursday February 13, 2014

Do you sometimes feel like you are a mass of contractions? Ditto!

I feel strong and yet feel that at any moment, I may snap in two. I'm happy to interact with strangers but put me in room full of people I know, I can feel panic. I'm an extrovert but a virtual recluse. I'm calm and laid back, yet ever anxious. Going to bed, I often feel like I did the day before the start of a new school term - I want the world to end so that I don't have to go through with it. Yet, I push forward with life, scared of missing anything.

I despair at life and yet I love it with equal passion. I feel sadness in everything. I see beauty in everything.

Living and loathing life with equal passion is a delicate and sticky deal. It's like trying to take a tortoise for a walk at the same time as a lively puppy. It's frustrating and wearisome for all involved. When there are two parts of you, complete opposites, constantly vying for supremacy, it's hardly a recipe for emotional equilibrium. I want to 'dance as if no one is watching' and yet I want to fall to my knees and howl at the sadness and disappointments of life.

No other human will ever understand you as you understand you. Plus, understanding how complex and contradictory you are can lead to a greater understanding and empathy of others, not to mention, help forge peace with your biggest nemesis - yourself!

I like me. I dislike me. But I'll always be me. Better to nurture the former then because I sure can't take a holiday from myself.

A Moodscope user.

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Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 12:18pm

Tortoise or puppy Suzy, your blogs always connect with me. Planning ahead can be difficult as I never know how I will feel on the day but experience tells me to give things a go. Sometimes I feel pleased with myself and am glad I made the effort and others not so good. I'm retired but remember so well when I worked how hard it could be on a difficult day when I was lacking in confidence and energy but there would be good ones too. Small steps and little achievements can be built on.

Julia Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 1:05pm

You have summed up EXACTLY how I feel Suzy. I have been thinking since Les' blog the other day who is the real me and I think I may well think of the real me and the one I like which is a mass of contradictions, up and down etc etc, just as you describe yourself. It's good to know there is someone out there who understands. x

Julia Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 1:07pm

I meant...the real me as the one I like...

Julia Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 1:12pm

Oh dear! I had someone talking to me while I was writing the above posts and haven't really expressed myself properly. I shouldn't have sent it but am in a hurry and wanted to thank Suzy. However I do feel like you describe yourself Suzy and am very grateful to you for writing this today!!

Suzy Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 1:49pm

You always make me smile Julia. Your comment was lovely, as was anon's.

I must apologise profusely however for my ghastly spelling blunder in the first line: Contractions instead of contradictions!!! How mortifying! I hope I'm not a mass of contractions! :oI Argh!

Many apologies and hearty greetings to all,
Suzy x x x x

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 3:38pm

I saw it was wrong but immediately understood. Only now I realise the meaning of the error! : ) ( English is not my mother toungue, nor it is spoken in my country). Cheers, Silvia

Caroline Ashcroft Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 4:19pm

Sorry Suzy, I should have spotted that!

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 4:48pm

Thanks for your post Suzy. It's exactly how I feel every day. I thought I was the only person who feels like it, it's a relief to know I'm not.

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 6:04pm

Your comments are classic and very specific feelings of those from an alcoholic and/or dyfunctional family. Look at books about Adult Children of Alcoholics as they have now realised that children brough up in that sort of environment and any dysfunctional family have the same problems. You will be reading about yourselves. We become extraverted introverts or introverted extraverts, always wanting to be normal but not knowing what 'normal' is we learn a default that is of little use to us as adults. Al-anon is a place where you will find people telling your story as it is theirs too. You will find support and validation even if you aren't aware of an alcoholic in the family. It is my story too. When we are children we have no choice but to adapt to the family we are with so we feel trapped yet unloved at the same time because we are not catered to as a child should be. This usually leads to phobias and depression too and post traumatic stress syndome as many family situations do not change so the trauma continues. It is much easier to deal with when you can access help and point at the initial problem rather than the many that develop along the way as a result of something we did not choose initially.

Suzy Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 7:39pm

Hey anonymous,

Thanks for your comments. You have taken time out to do that and that's lovely of you.

Whilst everything you say makes perfect sense and will help folk, I know it will, I do feel it's important to point out that we are complex creatures and can feel at odds with ourselves for a great many reasons other than coming from a dysfunctional or alcoholic family. This was simply not my experience and I feel a primal need to say so. (Not least because my late dad is not here to defend himself and because my mum may read this! ;o)

I have a much misunderstood illness called narcolepsy. This one factor alone can make me feel a mass of contradictions. Why? Because my natural personality is one of buoyant, will-o-the-wisp, energy. Alas, living with ongoing sleep debt leaves me weary, prone to excess sadness, introverted and sensitive (plus I'm a HSP as it is! Double whammy!). If I over do things for a day or so, I become hyper and unable to sleep. This is not the real me either though; The real me may be energetic but not hyper.

Also, HSP's can be wrongly labeled as shy, fearful or lacking in confidence when in fact, they are simply more easily over stimulated. (Page 92 par 3 of Highly Sensitive People by Elaine N. Aron)

You begin to see then, that things are complicated. And things are thus for so, so many people. Rarely, I believe, if ever, can all our nuances, foibles, strange, messy, wonderful ways be put down to one thing. Nothing is straight forward eh?

Someone once wrote a comment on this site: "..difficult business this being human.." Oh how I concur with that!

Hey thanks again for your input anon. Really good of you.

Best wishes,

Suzy Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 7:47pm

P.S. Hey anon, that nutty Suzy again here. I just want to say that you DID acknowledge the complexities of everything because you said: 'You will find support and validation even if you aren't aware of an alcoholic in the family.' So sorry if I didn't point that out in my comment.

Right, over 'n' out, toodle-pip, etc., etc.

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 8:15pm

I love Moodscope.

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 8:29pm

that's the very way I feel. I am really touched by your words. it's so good to know that I am not the only one... thank you.

Anonymous Thu, Feb 13th 2014 @ 8:56pm

This text/note/blog call it whatever you want, is the most inspiring "A daily reminder" I have ever got from Moodscope. It really do make me happy to know I'm not the only one who feel the exact same way as you Suzy. Thank you. Thank you for these words, these perfectly written words who describes so perfectly how I feel each day, I have been trying to figure out how I could describe my feelings too people, but I didn't have a clue, because every time tried to, It sounded wrong and confusing. But now I know what too say. Thanks Suzy!

Handsome Fri, Feb 14th 2014 @ 8:29am

A wonderful insightful piece. I can wholly relate to this. Thank-you.

Anonymous Fri, Feb 14th 2014 @ 8:58am

It's dangerous to compartmentalize people, based on a blog. Suzy's later words explain her emotions more fully and give reasons for them. To label people who feel like this as children of dysfunctional or alcoholic families without detailed background knowledge can be deleterious to their well being.

Anonymous Fri, Feb 14th 2014 @ 9:36am

How true Suzy.

thank you for putting it so well.

Mart Fri, Feb 14th 2014 @ 1:14pm

Heartfelt and eloquently expressed. I particularly like what you said in the last paragraph. Keep up the good work Suzy.

Julia Fri, Feb 14th 2014 @ 2:28pm

Hi Suzy
I felt so sorry for you after reading the post from Anon at 6.04pm. And sorry for myself too as it was addressed to all of us who said they felt the same as you! I was sorry you felt you had to explain yourself but I would have done that too. I sort of found it funny too when thinking about the shock it caused me.To think my parents might have been alcoholics! As for dysfunctional, well they are both dead now and I can say that actually my family was rather dysfunctional in many ways and I am sure they (unwittingly of course) affected my self confidence and the family dynamics as I was growing up meant that I was depressed from a fairly early age. But I don't blame my parents. They were wonderful and did their best. I have re read Anon's post a few times and actually as you acknowledged it did say some interesting things. It was the emphasis on alcoholics, and Al Anon which I found upsetting initially. Perhaps you and I Suzy should head straight for our nearest branch of Al Anon. Lol!! Pity we don't live in the same area as we could meet up and there and have a laugh. (But of course it's not a laugh for those who need to go and I really am not demeaning Al Anon one bit..I know it's a wonderful organisation)

heather Sat, Feb 15th 2014 @ 9:30pm

Dear Suzy, and fellow Bloggers. This wonderfully worded piece resonated with me in a way nothing else has. I am bipolar and do not pretend to know whether this is hereditary or caused by life events - some of each probably, but this blog made me chuckle as it described myself so fluently and accurately. I guess you don't have to be biplar to go up and down so this also seems to resonate with those of you suffering from Depression only ? Thanks Suzy for this amusing insight into myself and best wishes to all my fellow bloggers. Heather x

Julia Sun, Feb 16th 2014 @ 10:02am

Hello Heather
I guess depression leads to up and down moods. It does for me but mainly down moods and the occasional up which lasts one day only. Lucky me eh?! But I am not sure how these relate to bipolar ups and downs. For me this is a puzzle still to be solved by us or researchers.

Carole Mon, Feb 17th 2014 @ 9:38am

This makes so much sense even though i am not bipolar.

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