The black hole

Thursday September 12, 2019

There are lines in one song I listen to a lot lately.

I wanna shed my skin
I wanna see who I really am
I wanna swim with all that drags me in every time.

These lines haunt me.

When I am down, depressed for some reason or another, I think of going deeper. I feel like I need to follow the current that drags me inside of that black hole in the center of any person, go along with it, just fall inside, don't fight it. Don't try to make myself feel better with all the techniques from the psychologist or from my own experience, just go down.

When I am meditating, it can be difficult for me to disengage. I am getting astounded or horrified by the thoughts and fantasies I have, I can feel like that's all that really matters... but I also know that the black hole is just under the surface of all of these thoughts. They cover it, endlessly streaming from some other place, but I still feel its magnet pull.

When I am in the flow state, writing, or planning a lesson, or playing some video game, I sometimes feel like being suspended in the air above this flow. The following correct word or phrase, the next good picture for a presentation for a lesson, another mission accomplished — and the emptiness below it. I can get back in the flow, and that magnet pull is not that strong. But I know it's there.

I don't think this emptiness is something bad. I do think it's unavoidable that we look in this emptiness from time to time. I think that we are the emptiness, actually, and all of our personality, all of our thoughts and ideas are just self-medication, trying to make us feel not empty. We are to acknowledge its existence, we are to accept it and we are to feel it from time to time. All of out thoughts, all of our accomplishments, all of our striving and desires is just a cover-up for the hole inside.

And that's okay. We are all into this together. We are building upon this emptiness. We have already made so much, and we keep getting better. The emptiness is there to try to fill, not to get sucked into.

I have been working on filling this emptiness by myself and with a psychologist for a few years now. I've gotten so much better at being me. I can't say now that I am depressed — most of the time I am at least 'alright'. I am in a very healthy and happy relationship. I am ready to fight for the things I think I want.

And yet...

I do want to go in and never return.

Maybe, that's also okay?


A Moodscope member.

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