School is in

Saturday July 13, 2019

Handed down to me, I now realise, were some lessons I'd rather not have been present for. Fear, inhibition, harsh self-criticism and judgements of others to name a few. Its not a great list. It took me a long while to realise that, although ingrained, deep down these words were not me. This inner conflict is perhaps part of my reason for struggling with my mental health.

If conflict exists within us it's no wonder our minds take a battering. Like an invisible tug of war we run from end to end trying to cover both bases. I'm having to distance myself from a person who has made me feel this way. (I notice I can't even describe to you who this is, such is the hold I still feel and guilt for breaking free.) And I cannot distance myself. They are a firm part of my life and impossible to set free from. But I can distance my mind.

I'm practising. Noticing when they judge and scowl and attempt to control with passive aggressive behaviour. Then I only have to counteract this with my internal recognition of the occasion and its done, I'm free to make up my own mind. My own feeling. My own response. I'm sorry that it took so long. But when we learn from others we have trusted, it takes quite a length of time to undo a lesson and write our own.

Very slowly I am re-writing myself. Its hard work, sometimes awful, but interesting. Each step is one closer to freedom. And it feels good, so I keep going. I fear there could be casualties along the way if I'm not ultra-cautious and so I tiptoe still trying to get through leaving everyone unscathed. Yes, hard work.

And you... might it possible you have learned a lesson or a behaviour which is not really you? Something which is no longer serving you and needs to change. Are you acting out a scene from someone else's book or are you sure you are living your own? It's a deep question. And worthy I think.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


Comments are viewable only by members. Register Now to participate in the discussion.

Already have an account? Login to leave a comment.

There are 52 comments so far.

What is Moodscope?

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge.

Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it. Join now.

Blog Archive


Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.