I rarely do the Test. I do not think I have done the Test even once in 2020. But without fail, I read the Blog. And sometimes, I am so moved by what I have read, I save it and keep it as a Word Doc to re-read – and I do, often.

The blogs which appeal to me are all very different; but the ones I save have something in common, they spark a response from me.

Even the ones which I find irritating – some make me swear in fury with the “happy clappy smiley” attitude struck by the writer – even they, if, having sparked a response in me, get saved.

I continue, in my own life, to be totally furious with absolutely EVERYTHING!

The Pandemic! Well if that isn’t cause for fury – what is? The responses to the Pandemic by our Leaders. Fury. The wrecking of our environment, of our planet for “profit” – indescribable fury. The killing of black people - in the USA, and in the UK and anywhere else – incandescent fury. Well. It is a good thing that I live in isolation, still in lockdown, with my civil partner for company. Because if I was let out into the wilds of streets and in company of others… my goodness; I could not be held responsible for my actions. And I speak as a disabled woman, felled by surgery to remove a “benign brain tumour” over a decade ago… leaving me depressed and bitter.

The lockdown has given rise to more “upbeat” reports and bits of writing than almost anything else I can remember. I am so tired of seeing happy smiley people dancing in their homes; of families laughing and smiling together as they make “rainbows for carers”.

What is so wrong in just saying I feel bad tempered. I feel angry. I feel DEPRESSED. I feel scared and I feel like everything is just getting worse?

There feels to me to be a huge burden on us to respond in a positive way – all the time.

In the “good old days” pre-covid-19, we who are depressed also felt a huge and mighty pressure on us to respond positively, to “cheer-up” and get over it… it could be worse they would say. But now it has got worse – almost 9 million people infected world-wide and almost 500,000 dead at the time of writing – and the pressure builds on us all to respond positively. Smile! Show how care-free you are!

Well. I am not. And I give you permission to follow suit, should you feel so inclined. In a few days, often the anger, the blackness, lifts and yes, there may be a feeling of some calm on some future day… but being relentlessly pleasant, and upbeat is adding an extra and unwanted burden to our lives.

And if anyone else dares to call me “lucky” or fortunate” or any other positive thing, I may just spit in their eye.

A Moodscope member.

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